Mutterings

awip.us Volume II - Wall Street Money Drop w Shane Claiborne

2007-06-20T12:23:00.001-04:00

wow~ Love this Simple way rocks!

Dove Evolution

2007-06-19T21:32:00.001-04:00

I probably shouldn't be posting this. especially with my self esteem issues and how media and my past experiences have played a roll...but this made me lol so incredibly hard ~ it's hysterical!

Dangling

2007-04-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

I just can’t do it; I stare at it I know what it says I just cant open it. Sometimes it feels like I am dangling from the highest peak with no rescue in sight. Ok, I know what IT says it’s what they all say No, Nope Nada.

This time I allowed myself hope that it would work there is a part of me that feels like I should have known better. The other part still clings to a plan yet to be reviled in the chaos.

God have mercy, I know there must be a plan a purpose in all this but I seem to be blinded to the ultimate reality that awaits us.

Sometimes, as I dangle from my mountain peak all I can see are the jagged rocks at the bottom.

A good life

2007-02-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

I just learned a dear friend passed away on Sunday she was 107 years old she was born in 1899. I will try to blog about her later, when I can, she was one of my favorite people ~ an inspiration. I will miss her and our long chats her sweet smile and her quirky humor~ she lived a good life.....

Home sick etc

2007-01-23T17:37:00.000-05:00

I have been working on the never ending battle we are so grateful for our small victory over the summary motion. However, I still find myself a bit overwhelmed by the gravity of it all and feeling incredibly inept especially when I think of a potential trial we cry out praying we find legal council soon.

The hearing went as expected. A few things were said that really frustrated me like the corporate demigods counsel stating we had run through a lot of lawyers hum…. lets see ONE lawyer and a bunch of others who just looked at the case and decided it was not their expertise, too complicated, oh yeah and the biggie wanted a HUGE retainer we didn't have!

The second was a stab in the gut “I believe the judge cut you a break with the summery” OK maybe he did but I would really like to believe he didn't we have good evidence. A paper trail of evidence and I noticed the opposing counsel in our conversation after the hearing kept coming back to a point I truly believe will be easy to discredit. So I am trying really hard not to feel like a total moron!

I feel like we need a break just someone to listen to us to be our rainmaker ~ the clouds in the sky already look promising. It all boils down to money and time. I wish I knew of a “non profit” law firm who goes after injustice. There are non profit firms that deal with social justice but who tackles the true valid case that takes a lot of time and energy? Contingency is fine I have no issue with a firm for profit or non profit being paid it’s the whole idea in law today that if the case isn't worth over a million we don’t take it! I have actually been told this by firms – scary huh? The number of ambulance chasers out there is staggering medical malpractice personal injury etc who tackles true injustice for the average person left destitute by circumstances beyond there control brought about by negligence?

I really feel for everyone like us dealing with this if you do an Internet search you will find thousands of stories like ours some people living in trailers for years or in hotel rooms or with their families others like us relocated to “temporary” housing. There property in ruin filing bankruptcy and the government still allows “them” to get by with it. Loop holes within loop holes, changing the law and instead of honoring the case that has been at court for 5 years based on the law at that time the case is thrown out due to the new law passed. Grandfathered in, in favor of big business where is the justice in that!

The glamour of those struck by Katrina is fading so many still hurting and displaced so we are not alone, what should we do, do we fight? How do we regain our lives in spite of and seek justice in a world corrupted by power? It is so sad I ache for those hurting I especially ache for mom. We may not be victims of a hurricane but we can sure relate to the injustice of insurance companies.

As I sifted through photos to send the “other side” I began crying thoughts going through my head “I want to go home” it may not have been much by today’s standards in the world but it is ours and it was almost paid for. I was looking at the pix of the back field the beautiful blue sky and amber grass on our little hill ~ we have quite a view, it makes me sad I want to go home…….

One flew over the coo coos nest!

2007-01-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, partial confession leaving out details they would just send the peep's with the white coats running to my door!.

I totally lost it tonight due to stress insomnia and the continuing chaos of finding legal council lack of a real support system yadda yadda yadda, excuses, excuses. Well anyway I totally blew up tonight at a stranger no less! A poor unsuspecting person just out and about doing their job. I am absolutely mortified! After said incidence, I broke down in frustration and shame and just cried. Then jumped on line in escape mode to research the case until I stopped crying.

Tomorrow I go back to being the great pretender worthy of only the highest Oscar honors "We are hanging in there" can I just say BIG FAT LIE!

I So need a vacation!

We So need a miracle!

Thank God we have come as far as we have in this whole mess but well I am a mess! Oscar performance temporarily halted for a little reality!

Note to self MONEY will buy anyone a lawyer (too bad we have none), people have and always will like "the act" feel more comfortable around the shallow and love hanging out with the really cool people who dress really cool because being famous and or really cool is well just so damn cool!

Where are those peeps with the not so cool white coats ~ they B late!

Ok, don't get your knickers in a knot I am just blowing off steam!

Sleepy

2007-01-07T06:02:00.000-05:00

I have been up for almost three hours I am sleepy and it just not working I am trying not to worry but that is so easier said than done! It will be better when mom is home and things bounce back to normal it will be better when we find a lawyer my mind is filled with stuff about the case things I need for the meeting on Monday praying this guy is the one. Right now my mind is too busy and I yon more than I am breathing right now lol.

I am trying so hard to think positive that we will win that this mess will be over soon and it will decrees the stress in our lives, especially want this for mom I want her to be free of stress and at peace for the rest of her life not worried about if we will be homeless or have utilities cut off etc. I ache for her I want her to spend the rest of her life doing what she loves and is called to do ~ not stuck in this horrible mess.

Trying to be thankful in spite of and to a degree I think I am I think we are it will get better and God will show Himself once again as He always does…..

Bureaucracy

2007-01-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

I seemed to be filled with anger and rage today s I deal with medical and insurance bureaucracy I am too tiered to write all the details. But it looks like insurance may not pay for in home treatment we may need to do rehab after all. Finding a place to take someone with a pulmonary infection is a nightmare too few beds to few reliable facilities.

So I battle anger and frustration against my will? I try to get a hold on the rage of insurance hell and question is it righteous or just me wanting my way for what I think is best for my mom? I am angry at hypocrisy and angry at the bureaucratic rule that thinks more of the bottom line than human life. so I b swimmin neked again huh : )

Bloggin in the Weeeee

2007-01-05T03:30:00.000-05:00

So, it is early or late depending on your train of thought. It just took me 22 minutes to get on line. Once I started the computer time slowed to ridiculous now I have lost much of my interest in writing the things that continue to float through my head ~ but I will try anyway for a little while.

Mom is still in hospital its nine days in just a few minutes she is doing well but tiered and even though she is tiered she seems willing to put up wit the tests in an attempt to get to the bottom of things~ not fun but hopefully we will have answers. Anyway it looks like she will be sprung from the big house ie the hospital on Monday and come in every day for IV treatments until the end of the week.

I will be happy to see her home as soon as possible and get back to normal, well as normal as it gets around here anyway. I meet with an attorney on Monday and pray he will work with us pray he is the right person etc.

I had all this stuff floating in my head when I woke up now nada brainus interuptus from computer hell, oh well I do appreciate my aging relic in spite of…..I would go for a walk but it looks a bit foreboding out side a foggy hue of burnt orange and darkness ~ kinda ere.

So I will go back to bed perchance to sleep…

No small victory

2006-12-29T23:47:00.000-05:00

I wanted to post the following, a portion of a letter sent out to a few friends and house church.

It’s been a while life has taken on a busyness that keeps us well… busy! I know it’s been a while and I had planned on sending out an update letter after the first of the year but a letter arrived form the court a few days ago and I just couldn't’t wait to share our Christmas blessing with you!

We received a letter from the court, the letter states that the court has denied our insurance companies motion for summary judgment In other words our case is not being dismissed! So what does this mean? First off it means the court sees evidence that makes them believe a trial could bring about another outcome then the defendants (insurance company) claim. So this means the court agrees with us that there is evidence to proceed with litigation.

When the letter arrived I was elated and truthfully amazed at the outcome I saw glimpses of the old me the one before Fibro not just the crisis we have been fighting. I felt free for the first time in a long time to an extent I still do but I am coming back down from the blissful mountain to a place of thanksgiving and reality. We still need legal counsel and although we have won this battle more will follow until we have justice and deliverance after the long season we have endured.

Maybe that freedom feeling came because I felt as though I had accomplished something ~ I succeeded for the first time in eons at something that mattered? I had help, friends who walked me through gave me advice looked up info on the net held my hand until fear of meltdown subsided. But still, I felt and hopefully still feel, that I did something, used my mind and was useful to my mom in a tangible way. Hopefully my stubbornness will pay off and we will have the justice we so desperately crave.

I am thankful for friends and the knowledge that when the going gets tough as well as the victories you learn just who your friends are and I am thankful for you, you have stood with us threw thick and thin.Hopefully it will just be a little longer and this will be over.

Today is my mom’s 77th birthday and she is in hospital for the first time in 13 months. We are so grateful she has had a break from what seemed to be the never ending hospital stays but frustrated to see her back and praying she is released soon. So far they have kept her busy with continuous tests full body contrast CAT scan, Doppler ultra sound of her veins, and a chemical stress test with a follow up next Tuesday. They also want to do an echo cardiogram and plan on Cath of her arteries in her legs to see what is up. She is on IV sodium and glucose IV prednezone (sp?)and two IV antibiotics and a pill that is antibiotic as well. The cough is not as bad as it was and she had a ravenous appetite today for the first time in weeks.

I am trying to find peace and not allow fear to overwhelm me I feel alone and uncertain of things and continue to pray for mercy for mom as she has endured far more than anyone should have to in ten lifetimes.

Its hard to have our win dampened by our concerns for mom’s health but we are so thankful to have good and thorough doctors for once. I hope she can come straight home and not have to rehab so far she seems to be holding her own walking a bit. It would be nice to have her home and bring in OT and PT if we need to.

This post is a jumble I suppose, my mind is spinning with ideas and possibilities. thinking about the lawyer hunt it should be easier but we have had our first no a friend who is working on a couple of big cases wanted to help but just doesn't have the time. I hope to talk with an attorney on Tuesday when he gets back from vacation praying we find someone before the next hearing it would make things easier….

I am tiered not sleeping as I should mom knows this too which makes it hard she is worried about me think I am trying to fight off a bug had a hard day today. tomorrow will be better.

looking forward to three of my fav peeps coming to see mom from Cinti and hang out and have "brunch" tomorrow night they are a huge blessing in our lives.

So I am off to bed and hopefully peaceful sleep!

Thinking Outloud

2006-10-25T15:13:00.000-04:00

Thought I would catch up on the progress here at the rental house. The bleaching is finished but the garage remains a huge concern in addition to bacteria that may be under the linoleum as a result of the sewer water it dried out but I still have concerns.

I had the CAT scan on my lungs yesterday they injected iodine to look at my lungs. The tech explained I would have a major hot clash and feel as though I was peeing my pants and not to worry. About two minutes later I was amazed at how wrong I thought this woman had to be it was like fire from head to toe even the bottom of my feet were hot and I TOTALLY felt as though I had wet myself. Not a fun feeling! Admittedly it was nice to feel warm they keep the rooms so cold due to the machines.

I had a huge coughing fit at the end of the test and they kinda freaked out a bit but I assured them it was just the way I always cough which surprised them. The taste in my mouth was really yucky like I had been sucking on pennies or nickels for a while I still taste it a bit today but it is not nearly as bad. This test and the one next week a small discomfort to find out what is going on with me I just want to get to the root and find a solution. I did not receive a late night call from my doctor so hopefully no news is good news although they did say the doctor who reads the test would not be able to do so for 2-3 days. But I figure if they had seen a red flag I would have been rushed to the top of the list.

Next week Kimmy has generously agreed to be my baby sitter for the broncoscopy hopefully I will be low maintenance in the past I have not done well coming off the drugs I don’t have much tolerance for them and the side effects can be a bit overwhelming. I hope with this test that is not the case. I can’t wait for next Tuesday to be over and done with!

I have been on the phone for months trying to find a dentist/orthodontist who specializes in TMJ and takes my insurance I have not had any luck. There is one orthodontist in this county who deals with TMJ and they told me it would be about 3000.00 a year to treat in addition to restorative dental work and cleaning NOT done by them but a dentist who treats people with TMJ which could cost another 3-5K!

We are in such a difficult spot I think of how just five years ago we were less the 5 k in debt and how things would be now if we had not heard of CDBG and how we feel as though it ruined our lives. Probably the TMJ wouldn’t be so bad we wouldn’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses and the huge debt hanging over our heads that we just can’t seem to get out from under.

God has been teaching me over the last five years about true forgiveness and I thought I had a pretty good handle on it but over the last couple of weeks I have realized I do not. its like I forgave half way not entirely. Even though I released the contractor attorney adjuster etc from the hatred I felt for them I now realize I have not forgiven them with my whole heart.

In the teaching of a more excellent way one of the pastors I really like is fond of saying “Forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it” it is a gift that I give for me not that other person my lack of forgiveness cannot harm them but it can harm me.

In one of my favorite dog eared books I find these reminders.

Forgiveness is not tolerance.
Forgiveness is not pretending
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is not generosity of spirit.
Forgiveness is not turning the other cheek.
Forgiveness is not making a joke of a wrong.
Forgiveness is not politeness or tactfulness.
Forgiveness is not diplomacy.
Forgiveness is not passive non-response.

Forgiveness is something much deeper!

Forgiveness is a deliberate act of will.
Forgiveness is a full pardon.
Forgiveness is a substitutional act.
Forgiveness is obedience to God’s word.
Forgiveness is an act of love.
Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

Shattering your strongholds
Freedom from your struggles
Liberty Savard
http://www.amazon.com/Shattering-Your-Strongholds-Freedom-Struggles/dp/0882707132

A woman I met last year at a prayer group blessed my at MEW last week with two books

Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/B000JGWE2C/sr=1-1/qid=1161802695/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books

and

Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Forgiveness-R-T-Kendall/dp/0884198898/sr=1-1/qid=1161802763/ref=sr_1_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books

I am a huge fan of Joyce Meyer she is so down to earth real and vulnerable her story puts my whining to shame and makes me reconsider my attitudes a lot. I thought I would read her book first but I just couldn’t get into it for some reason and I must admit that even though I wanted to read the other book it was not top on my list especially when I am just sick and tired of working this stuff out, I just want to learn the lesson and get on with it already.

I first heard RT Kendall several years ago on the radio I remember getting ready to flip the station and hesitating because he said something that cut to the core of my spirit that I knew I needed to deal with.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New King James Version)
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Its hard for me to admit but my forgiveness of those who have wronged us in the last five years has been totally conditional, I am not saying there are not legal consequences to someone’s illegal or negligent actions but that I in my brokenness failed to realize that I expect retribution in this world and the next.

With the contractor I came to a place where I almost totally forgave him I prayed blessings upon him but I also prayed God would convict him and discipline him and have him held accountable here on earth for his actions. But maybe total forgiveness is not caring if he pays the price for his actions but trusting God. Hasn’t God forgiven me when the bible says when I repent God chooses not even to remember my sin it is as though it never happened! This is why I have issues with the toxic church that leads people down a road of guilt God doesn’t do this why should we? So if God forgives in this manor I need to as well, and I must admit that even though I am thankful to be forgiven for my mistakes my attitude is less then generous to those who have hurt us, especially those who hurt my mom.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

There is a consequence a law of the land to malicious behavior and mistakes there is usually not a get out of jail free card and in some cases the innocent are punished and the guilty go free. We may not have earthly justice I pray we do receive compensation for our losses and suffering and that the entities that have wronged us and others will be stopped so they do not continue to harm others. But that just might not happen and I have had to tell myself this for years to keep myself grounded and trust God for His justice and mercy above all others.

The toughest part of this book to read so far was the encouragement to pray for God to forgive the person who has wronged you. I have spent all my time asking God to help me forgive them I really didn’t want to hear that part of the process is me interceding on their behalf. So, this is my goal to willfully work toward total forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Romans 14:10 (New International Version)
10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

Ahhhhh The smell of SEWER GAS in the morning

2006-10-19T07:15:00.000-04:00

Well I am venting have been meaning to blog about stuff but too busy now insomnia urges me forward. The house flooded yesterday what fun I thank God Kara was with me or I am pretty sure the men with the exciting long armed white jackets would have come for a visit.

The first time this house flooded was the night I moved in. The sewer baked up and the hot water heater broke. I didn’t even have a mop and only had the cloths on my back and a towel and pj’s from Mega-Mart. Actually it was putting the cloths on my back in the washing machine that started the flood. Someone from mom’s church had left me sheets and a blanket on the rented bed so I used the blanket to clean up the best I could. I remember crying hard trying to figure out how to deal with the water how to prevent mold growth and air out the house at midnight (and no one to call and help due to the late hour) in February and in the aftermath of a huge blizzard with nothing but a broom and rental furniture in the house.

This neighborhood is notorious for cheaply made houses and we are a plumbers dream come true ~ old farm land near a creak and on a rock and sand bed depending on which side of the street you live on. Yesterdays flood by far the worse then the other three times at this house. The other two were cleaned up with minimal effort and a handy dandy electric snake borrowed from an old friend.

Although there was less water this time then at mom’s house when it flooded ~ the sewer gas was new. The smell was unbelievable the water backed up through a drain pipe in the laundry room and into the back shower. The seepage went behind all the appliances through the walls and into the garage. We moped and bleached the best we could but the next couple of days will be fun. Everything (all our losses) must be removed from the garage and the water damage must be cleaned up.

Ginger borrowed the eclectic snake again (and a manual one) but after hours of working on it with the snakes and chemicals we couldn’t get the clog loose. We just didn’t have the upper body strength even with the electric on and kept hitting a Y pipe. The landlord said he would try to get someone out if he could but they never called me back.

~ humm how much clearer can you be to the enormity of the situation when you tell them toxic sewer gas and water is flooding your house and we cant get it under control and we need help! Now I battle thoughts that our rent will go up if the clean up is extensive and he does send someone out. He needs to see it anyway the damages are pretty bad I think the linoleum and drywall needs to be replaced lord knows it has needed it since we moved in now it is just worse pealing up and with water underneath it.

I coughed a lot Kara and I had to keep going outside to breath I still feel tightness in my chest this morning and have a light burning sensation in my lungs. The pulmonologist is gonna LOVE this! My lips tong and nose still tingle but its better then the burning sensation yesterday! I am betting we should not be here but the budget does not include a hotel stay and we don’t have renters insurance.

Unfortunately that means all the documentation must continue on the losses I gave up with the soaring heat this summer. Thankfully the water in the garage is under our refrigerator and freezer and a utility shelf. The water traveled away from our losses and out the path through the front of the garage.

We had mom stay at the Sr citizens until it closed and my Dr said we should not be in the house when I went for tests results on a cat scan of my sinuses etc. So we tried to talk mom into going to the library after a little picnic outside but she bailed. The sewer gas smell had subsided by that time but the smell still lingered a little bit mixed with an overwhelming chemical smell that made my face burn.

I was going to give in to the hotel especially since we can’t use the plumbing I thought I would use all the money had had saved up for our gas bill so far but I realized even with Kara’s help we could not lift the oxygen machine for mom. So we put a sheet over mom’s door (the door was removed for her wheelchair) made her put on her oxygen and stay out of the main part of the house we cant flush the toilets or use water so this really sux!

If we can’t get this cleaned up in the next 72 hours we have to move out due to the mold which could be life threatening for both of us. Even if we do get it cleaned I am sure extensive reconstruction will need to be done. I am at my wits end tired angry and emotionally exhausted.

Although I realize it could be worse I am tired of being displaced for our home and property for the last 5 years and wish we had never heard of CDBG for rehabbing houses for the handicapped! It’s hard not to think if we were home at least…… it may not have been much by today’s standards but it was ours. I suppose I should say it still IS ours its just not usable for now I pray we are not doomed to the same fate here!

The courts are slow no ruling yet I pray we here good news soon I just want to move on out of the season of never ending losses and frustration. we will just have to learn a few more life lessons…..

Venting

2006-08-22T12:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, I need to vent - I need this to be a public declaration.

Respect, I am gonna start demanding it, it is not an option! I will with God’s grace NOT allow myself to be sabotaged by well meaning people! In regard to weight loss, our home situation, our dreams of a better life and home for mom.

With God’s help I will NOT listen to negativity I will not tolerate the judgment and accusations of others. I will not become angry when I am ignored and disrespected With God’s help I will be forgiving and give everyone the grace we all so desperately desire.

I will not negate my spiritual gifting and supernatural insight no matter what the skeptic may think. I will with God’s grace live my life humbly before God walking in His truth and seeking His purposes and do my best to do what he has called me to no matter what other people think.

I will with God’s grace not be fearful of man by caring what others think of me and the desires of my heart. I will within my circumstances do my best to creatively find ways to provide a better life for my mother and myself within my physical limitations and not listen to negativity.

I will remember who I am not who I am preserved to be because of our trials and circumstances and I will strive to be a better person and be used to help others in spite of my failings and the unbelief of myself and others.

Matthew 21:18

The Fig Tree Withered

18 Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. 19 And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.” Immediately the fig tree withered away.

The Lesson of the Withered Fig Tree

20 And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?” 21 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. 22 And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”

Mark 9 23b
23b. Jesus (said). "Everything is possible for him who believes" 24.Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Thy will (not mine) be done on earth as it is in heaven…

I feel much better now! :)

Nice to know we are NOT all puppets!

2006-07-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

Disowning Conservative Politics Is Costly for Pastor
By LAURIE GOODSTEIN, The New York Times

MAPLEWOOD, Minn. (July 30) -- Like most pastors who lead thriving evangelical megachurches, the Rev. Gregory A. Boyd was asked frequently to give his blessing -- and the church's -- to conservative political candidates and causes.

The requests came from church members and visitors alike: Would he please announce a rally against gay marriage during services? Would he introduce a politician from the pulpit? Could members set up a table in the lobby promoting their anti-abortion work? Would the church distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates? And with the country at war, please couldn’t the church hang an American flag in the sanctuary?

After refusing each time, Mr. Boyd finally became fed up, he said. Before the last presidential election, he preached six sermons called “The Cross and the Sword” in which he said the church should steer clear of politics, give up moralizing on sexual issues, stop claiming the United States as a “Christian nation” and stop glorifying American military campaigns.
“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

Mr. Boyd says he is no liberal. He is opposed to abortion and thinks homosexuality is not God’s ideal. The response from his congregation at Woodland Hills Church here in suburban St. Paul -- packed mostly with politically and theologically conservative, middle-class evangelicals -- was passionate. Some members walked out of a sermon and never returned. By the time the dust had settled, Woodland Hills, which Mr. Boyd founded in 1992, had lost about 1,000 of its 5,000 members.

But there were also congregants who thanked Mr. Boyd, telling him they were moved to tears to hear him voice concerns they had been too afraid to share.
“Most of my friends are believers,” said Shannon Staiger, a psychotherapist and church member, “and they think if you’re a believer, you’ll vote for Bush. And it’s scary to go against that.”

Sermons like Mr. Boyd’s are hardly typical in today’s evangelical churches. But the upheaval at Woodland Hills is an example of the internal debates now going on in some evangelical colleges, magazines and churches. A common concern is that the Christian message is being compromised by the tendency to tie evangelical Christianity to the Republican Party and American nationalism, especially through the war in Iraq.

At least six books on this theme have been published recently, some by Christian publishing houses. Randall Balmer, a religion professor at Barnard College and an evangelical, has written “Thy Kingdom Come: How the Religious Right Distorts the Faith and Threatens America -- an Evangelical’s Lament.”
And Mr. Boyd has a new book out, “The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church,” which is based on his sermons.

“There is a lot of discontent brewing,” said Brian D. McLaren, the founding pastor at Cedar Ridge Community Church in Gaithersburg, Md., and a leader in the evangelical movement known as the “emerging church,” which is at the forefront of challenging the more politicized evangelical establishment.
“More and more people are saying this has gone too far -- the dominance of the evangelical identity by the religious right,” Mr. McLaren said. “You cannot say the word ‘Jesus’ in 2006 without having an awful lot of baggage going along with it. You can’t say the word ‘Christian,’ and you certainly can’t say the word ‘evangelical’ without it now raising connotations and a certain cringe factor in people.

“Because people think, ‘Oh no, what is going to come next is homosexual bashing, or pro-war rhetoric, or complaining about ‘activist judges.’ ”
Mr. Boyd said he had cleared his sermons with the church’s board, but his words left some in his congregation stunned. Some said that he was disrespecting President Bush and the military, that he was soft on abortion or telling them not to vote.

“When we joined years ago, Greg was a conservative speaker,” said William Berggren, a lawyer who joined the church with his wife six years ago. “But we totally disagreed with him on this. You can’t be a Christian and ignore actions that you feel are wrong. A case in point is the abortion issue. If the church were awake when abortion was passed in the 70’s, it wouldn’t have happened. But the church was asleep.”

Mr. Boyd, 49, who preaches in blue jeans and rumpled plaid shirts, leads a church that occupies a squat block-long building that was once a home improvement chain store.

He is known among evangelicals for a bestselling book, “Letters From a Skeptic,” based on correspondence with his father, a leftist union organizer and a lifelong agnostic -- an exchange that eventually persuaded his father to embrace Christianity.

Mr. Boyd said he never intended his sermons to be taken as merely a critique of the Republican Party or the religious right. He refuses to share his party affiliation, or whether he has one, for that reason. He said there were Christians on both the left and the right who had turned politics and patriotism into “idolatry.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

Patriotic displays are still a mainstay in some evangelical churches. Across town from Mr. Boyd’s church, the sanctuary of North Heights Lutheran Church was draped in bunting on the Sunday before the Fourth of July this year for a “freedom celebration.” Military veterans and flag twirlers paraded into the sanctuary, an enormous American flag rose slowly behind the stage, and a Marine major who had served in Afghanistan preached that the military was spending “your hard-earned money” on good causes.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars.

Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

Mr. Boyd lambasted the “hypocrisy and pettiness” of Christians who focus on “sexual issues” like homosexuality, abortion or Janet Jackson’s breast-revealing performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public.

“Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”

Some Woodland Hills members said they applauded the sermons because they had resolved their conflicted feelings. David Churchill, a truck driver for U.P.S. and a Teamster for 26 years, said he had been “raised in a religious-right home” but was torn between the Republican expectations of faith and family and the Democratic expectations of his union.

When Mr. Boyd preached his sermons, “it was liberating to me,” Mr. Churchill said.

Mr. Boyd gave his sermons while his church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign. But only $4 million came in, and 7 of the more than 50 staff members were laid off, he said.

Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school.

“They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.”

The Rev. Paul Eddy, a theology professor at Bethel College and the teaching pastor at Woodland Hills, said: “Greg is an anomaly in the megachurch world. He didn’t give a whit about church leadership, never read a book about church growth. His biggest fear is that people will think that all church is is a weekend carnival, with people liking the worship, the music, his speaking, and that’s it.”

In the end, those who left tended to be white, middle-class suburbanites, church staff members said. In their place, the church has added more members who live in the surrounding community — African-Americans, Hispanics and Hmong immigrants from Laos.

This suits Mr. Boyd. His vision for his church is an ethnically and economically diverse congregation that exemplifies Jesus’ teachings by its members’ actions. He, his wife and three other families from the church moved from the suburbs three years ago to a predominantly black neighborhood in St. Paul.

Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”

His congregation of about 4,000 is still digesting his message. Mr. Boyd arranged a forum on a recent Wednesday night to allow members to sound off on his new book. The reception was warm, but many of the 56 questions submitted in writing were pointed: Isn’t abortion an evil that Christians should prevent? Are you saying Christians should not join the military? How can Christians possibly have “power under” Osama bin Laden? Didn’t the church play an enormously positive role in the civil rights movement?

One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?”

Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

Shocked

2006-07-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

Ok, I started this 3 hour eating thing I though ok Dr say this is my problem I am in starvation mode and need to eat more and although I have said it is my problem I must be honest I only half believed it. I mean, come on, I eat as much as some anorexics (btw- not my plan to BE anorexic!) daily and I am still getting fat. The Prednisone totally messed me up then the Endo hormones added to the chaos but still most people eat more then me and the only time I do splurge is at a party or at HC.

Ok, this morning I was battling the whole “oh my gosh, this food thing will just make me fatter I am eating so stinking much”. Although I admit my stomach now growls almost every three hours like clockwork in under a week and a half.

Before I started the “plan” I did a few test days to see if I could stick with the schedule and I did but whined a lot about the massive amounts of food, 400 cal three times a day , 100 calorie snacks, one 50 cal treat. That is eat 6X a day a total of 1450 calories NOT the 800-1000 Cal. I usually eat.

So in my cynicism I ran to the scale to prove this is a waist of my time weighed myself in my cloths my initial weigh in I was not clothed. Guess what? I am 6 pounds lighter SIX did you hear me I said SIX stinkin fat pounds lighter ( not the two pounds they guarantee will “melt” away SIX! Is it a fluke is it real will it continue ~ God I really hope so I just can’t believe it!

Camping might be harder tonight I cannot see myself not having a little s’more which might put my eating too close to bedtime. Part of the plan is to not eat 3 hours before bed time and since I have been having my treat with dinner that means it is 5-6 hours for me if I eat dinner at 7 pm.

I just want this to work I NEED this to work………

Fell off the wagon…

2006-07-19T14:24:00.000-04:00

Ok, I fell off the food wagon. For over a week I have forced myself to eat every three hours following the Jorge cruise thing forcing myself to consume massive amounts of food in an attempt to restore my body to a healthy metabolism function. i dont even know if it is really working but nothing else does so it is worth a try.

This morning I saw the soap was ready way ahead of schedule so I took it out of the mold and it crumbled totally falling apart. I am avoiding the other 7 batches fearful my scale was off or that the air conditioner that is totally wacky caused the soap to fail the air conditioner was set on 80 and it was only 68 deg in the house and still running!

so what do I do, well I start making laundry soap as I am the worlds worst rebatcher and I cry and cry and crawl back into bed exhausted and 5.5 hours go by and I forget to eat my snack and lunch on time. ugggggggggggggggggg it is so frustrating most people would eat under stress not me I have to forget!

I was so proud of everyone who helped make it, the soap looks beautiful so thankful for the help hopeful at redeeming a glimpse of vision for my life and thankful of the support of it. Now I am to darn scared to go look at it afraid it will all be ruined.. I have to face the music so when I stop bitching to this blog its off to the kitchen I pray it can be redeemed….

2006-07-10T09:18:00.000-04:00

It is hard to be the solitary to always be told you are wrong and no amount of evidence will change anything ~ evidence is subjective. It’s hard to have a vision those you are closest to do not share. it is hard to swallow pride in order to do anything and everything to protect and care for those you love. It is hard to reach out in humility. It’s hard to pretend to be someone you are not just to keep the peace. I am tiered and wish I could cry I have started to many times in the past 24 only to do what I do best play the roll conform to the crowd give them what they want ~ the truth is not cool.

2006-06-21T12:07:00.000-04:00

This is powerful....

Please pray for an end to the war........

Twenty ~ The Robert Cray Band

Just for Ann :)

2006-06-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

this was taken 1981

Puppy lust, life and an overactive imagination

2006-06-18T15:35:00.000-04:00

Finely made it to a movie it's been months ~ I went to see X Men3 which I loved except for a few events if you haven't seen it wait through the credits for a surprise scene at the end it will make you like the film better it was not as good as X2 but the special effects were fun. Monday I splurged and took mom to see Over the Hedge it was WAY cute the animal lover in me was totally cracking up I think people who aren't into animals will like it but maybe not as much. This week we will hopefully go see Cars if it doesn't rain wish I hadn't promised mom I could wiggle out of it and get it on DVD from the library next year although I hear it is a full screen kind of cartoon. Three movies in less then a week not a good thing I the budget department!

We were blessed again this week by lawn mowing two Birchfields for the price of one they are such a blessing we would be waist deep in grass by end of summer without their generosity. The garden is looking good, I need to weed ~ waiting for rain so it won't be so difficult. In addition to all the plants and seeds I put in we have a ton of volunteers I counted 16 tomatoes plants and 6 zucchini's so we may be feeding the neighborhood this summer and then some. I have been saving back a couple bucks a week to buy a new rose bush for mom I realized we do not have yellow white or red so I think I will work on those colors hoping to find a few discounts like last year.

My cell phone is barely holding on to life, panting its little heart out forgetting to catch calls and delivering my messages late. I really hate cell phone shopping I drool over the one I want but I know it's just not practical right now. I don't even want to think about car problems computer issues and the huge list of things to do, have fixed, and replace! So if you are trying to reach me and don't hear back call again my cell is so not working right....

We totaly surprised mom with the puppies (I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore:), On Tuesday we made her LOL and giggle better than any movie could we went down to Donna's to see the kittens mom drove her wheelchair I brought her walker and she was able to step up the two inch stoop in the garage~ yeah! We played with the little balls of fir for a while then to mom's horror Donna took the kitty box away only after a few minutes ok fifteen or twenty.:)

I wish I had a camera with me. Donna brought the puppies to mom she squealed with delight and shock as they were handed to her. Mom's face was a little light bulb she had a huge open mouth grin and I thought she was going to shed a little tear at one point. I cannot remember a time I saw her so happy so surprised she held the pup's for about 45 minutes it was hard to let them go. Purdy who is a very protective first time mom did not growl at mom like she does her own family and me when we look at the pups. She was totally content with mom wagging her tail and rubbing up against her totally content to have mom hold her wee ones ~ it was so sweet.

I was so sad to learn that the runt died the other two little monsters are doing well still cant believe sweet tiny little Purdy gave birth to such huge puppy's. I am faced with a conundrum I have not seen mom this happy about anything in so long I really want to give her a puppy. It would give her something to focus on and take care of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The expense, the hassle, gerrrrrrrr.

Mom was watching a travel program yesterday so I am drooling again can I just say (since it is a secret) I NEED A VACATION! The destination Hawaii. Ok, to be honest I would be happy goin to Po- dunk Ohio 10 min west of dodge just to git the heck outta here but, Hawaii...Let me dream a little please.

They highlighted several places my three personal favorites

1. Eco tree top tour in Kauai with zip lines once you leave the ground you spend the next three hours 70 foot off the ground the views were beautiful the challenge looked so cool my desire to do this in spite of fibro overwhelmingly strong. http://www.justlive.org/eco-tour.html

2. Paradise air motor powered hand glider tour and flight lessons (you get to fly the glider!) over white sandy beaches and turquoise water sigh In O'ahu sigh.... http://www.paradiseairhawaii.com/photos.htm

3. Last an most certainly not least a four wheeling adventure over Hawaiian farm land beneath the Haupu Maintain Range, beautiful waterfalls, bamboo forest hideaway, cool tunnel, old sugar cane fields, and a rain forest.
http://www.kauaiatv.com/html/tours.html

Add to my fantasy trip a spa retreat, horse back riding, hiking around volcanoes snorkeling, and sunlight sail boat rides and I am almost in heaven sigh... sigh....sigh.....

Hey I can dream can't I BTW I'm SO not picky Jamaica, Costa Rica, Europe, the British Isles, Asia I'm flexible with my fantasy life! hehehe

Shamefully Funny Past

2006-06-18T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hey trying to see if I can figure out how to post pix cleaning out the garage and found an old funny one ya gotta love high school boys in tights! Oh yeah, to my shame I am in there too! This picture was taken Dec 1980 at a Christmas show we performed at the YWCA were I worked ~ I was 16 years old.

The last couple of weeks

2006-06-06T16:22:00.000-04:00

Let’s see what has been going on around here, Paula and Elaine blessed us by coming to town to spend Memorial Day with us Gina came over and we all went hiking at Huston woods, it was beautiful out. Grilled out had great conversation as always and a bit of prayer time. It felt like it had been forever since I had seen them so it was really cool.

Spent most of last week trying to deal with life I still have a million things to do and only one set of hands. I am having camera problems again so it is hard to document losses so I am trying to go through a small container in the garage every few days.

I still haven’t been able to make myself read the legal brief from the opposing counsel which freaks me out a bit because I like knowing what’s going on but I still feel too emotional vulnerable to subject myself to it., we just keep praying for a trial and freedom from all of it. I know I keep saying it and God always pulls us though but I really don’t know how much more we can take at times.

The garden is beautiful I bring fresh roses in the house every few days the perennials are starting to bloom wishing I had a flower budget! although last week I walked with Mom uptown in her wheelchair to the farmers market and the library and we stopped at the little garden store on the way home and burned the rest of our market money on a few annuals for the two pots on the front stoop – they look beautiful and cheer things up a bit more.

We lost almost three quarters of our food in the freezer again everything but the bottom shelf was totally thawed and ruined. I had to bake a twenty pound turkey on Saturday my brother and his wife came for dinner it was good to see them but I get very frustrated I asked for help with the turkey and they blew me off it was so heavy and then I almost cut myself trying to carve the damn thing. As, much as I love them they just tick me off asked for help with the dishes they ignored me again they just don’t seem to have a clue as to how much work it is to wait on them. I feel like the maid every time they come but I am so glad they are visiting (especially for mom) they only live thirty minutes away and they hardly ever visit her. Anyway, we gave Ginger most of the bird for her family I saved some to freeze and we will stop using the freezer it ticks me off cause it did this the first year after we bought it after the warranty was up and the worked fine it still seems to work something is definitely wrong and we cant afford the loss.

My friend’s puppies were born yesterday ~ good thing they weren’t born today or they would be dubbed little demons and no one would want them well maybe Satanists would lol! There are three spotted pups; they look just like their trailer trash daddy poor little things. Actually they are too cute and their dad would be cute too if anyone took the time to clean him up a little. So, now the real dilemma begins. At conception, when Otis violated his restraining order and broke into our sweet little innocent (never impregnated at 8 years old) Purdy’s yard, we were offered pick of the litter.

So, I swore the neighbors and everyone else to secrecy and so far mom is clueless she says she never wants another dog but then oggels every dog on the block and is almost gleeful when I pet sit and she can take them for walks with her wheelchair, I just don’t know what to do. I SO want a dog but I’m not sure if it is practical (fence vet bills etc) but I am already in love with them especially the runt I have always been a sucker for the underdog and his big brothers are already pushing him around. They probably bullied him from the womb! Actually I think he is a little fighter and helped push puppy number one the huge mammoth of a creature out of the way as he was the tiniest and the second born . First born was medium size oh no what if the huge mammoth is the underdog is stupid and adorable that’s all I need.

The kittens are getting big when I was over looking at the pups I saw them too they are growing eyes are opened but one looks like it is gonna be cross eyed so now my friend has three pups and five kittens born a little over a week apart to find homes for! So far I am resisting but one of them looks like my sweet kitty friend Je taime who I miss terribly ~ it will be a year in a few day’s I still live with the horrible memories of last year and it is difficult.

If we do take a pup I will need to get permission to build a fence then there are the expenses but my argument is what price for mom a little friend to take care of she is so lonely without Peanut. The pups mom is pure bread Shih Tzu dad is part Shih Tzu and mutt they are gonna be so, so cute, as if they aren’t now!

Responding to Em..

2006-06-01T16:34:00.000-04:00

My Dear Em,

Well this wont fit in the comment box so...

Please forgive me for not responding to your comment sooner I wanted to give you the time you deserve and only respond after much prayer, and no, I do not mind a good devils advocate. Dialog is healthy espescially when we respect one another our boundaries and our differences. I was saddened to hear of your grandmother's death yet relieved that she is no longer in pain and that the burden your mother (and your whole family) has endured for so long has been lifted.

I too believe God's desire is for "Thy (His) will to be done on earth as it is in heaven" therefore, when people limit God by saying He only heals one certain way, or only in heaven, or that the miracles and gifts of biblical times no longer exist I remind them of that verse and a few others. I believe God's will in heaven according to His word is for total healing lack of stress and strife and the fulfillment of our lives with Him.

Therefore we should be able to experience a mirror of this in our world today shouldn't we? If Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever (as scripture states) I believe this would be true. It seams that our civilized culture has anesthetizes us from a truly Holy and Sacred experience with God. That experience began in the garden and continued throughout biblical history with the prophets and became full with the birth of the living Messiah.

I have become terribly frustrated at the lack of belief in our culture ~ I believe underdeveloped countries like Africa have something we in the west cannot seem to hold onto. The faith of believers in some villages is so strong that miracles occur daily allowing the lame walk, blind to see, deaf to hear and the dead are occasionally even raised! Since my mother and I have both experienced supernatural healings and I know many others that have as well, I suppose, it sounds lame for me to say this? Unfortunately, I know more people who have been consumed by disease then healed of it.

I personally believe our modern culture to be a huge inhibitor, we are so rational, so scientific, and heck God is the father of science and rational thinking so I am not saying its wrong just out of balance. I could bring up the other side of the coin my other big frustration, Christians throwing out their God given intellect by letting emotional experience rule them with absolutely no rational thought or ideas in sight!

Ok sorry for the rabbit trail (I do have a purpose- really;) getting back to the subject at hand I believe grief to be a healthy emotion I am not sure if it does or doesn't fit into the "On earth as it is in heaven" scripture because grief is a natural God given emotion we need to experience to be healthy. Have your read The Final Quest by Rick joiner ~ I highly recommend it! (Link above) I have never heard an eternal perspective of feelings emotions realities etc, so eloquently stated as in The Final Quest.

I want to clarify what I meant by grief in my journal entry about my Dad. I think of my father (and Jane ~ Jim's mom) almost daily (ok, daily :) I feel a significant place they filled in my life is missing. It does not mean God cannot fill this place here on earth, I believe He has. It means that I remember them, I notice there absence, I do not wallow in tears. Although, occasionally I am touched by a memory or reminded of them I think that its a healthy thing to do. So many people wont even talk about a loved one after their passing it's like they never existed. I want to honor the lives of those I have loved and now miss and there are many. I would like to point out again this does not mean despair just a noticeable absence.

I was reminded of the following passage in John.

John 11: 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.35 Jesus wept.36 Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Did Jesus weep because of their unbelief, or did he weep because Mary and all the others were grieving and it hurt Him to see their pain? If Grief is a natural emotion just as love and anger are. We need to express these emotions, to cleanse ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physicaly by dealing with them rather then suppressing them. The empty space left by a loved one's passing is always noticeable, but grief does change over time. The grief I felt upon my father's death and Jane's death is not the same today as it was initially. I hope I am making some sort of since to you.

I read someplace that scientist had discovered that when tears are released toxic chemicals are purged from the body. They also found that people who don't deal well with their emotions-those who suppress them have more chronic diseases. This is one of the key things dealt with in MEW the physiological (scientifically verified) responses in the body as a result of issues that have not been properly dealt with. This does in NO WAY mean I belive all illnesses are a result of lack of dealing with emotions and so on, genetic predisposition, enviornment and other factors can all come into play.

When we find the root (many emotional & spiritual) and address them, we are cleansed emotionally, spiritualy and physicaly as a response we give God authority in our life to bring healing, the symptoms and the disease is reversed and we are healed. I don't have answers, I dont have it all figured out in my life but I have been Endo and IBS symptom free for over a year and thank God daily. I know I have a long way to go more healing is coming as I allow God to pull off the layers and go deeper into my life.

MEW is great and my understandings of the theory behind the teachings do not do it justice besides it's not a formula it's not fool proof (Gods not into formulas from my point of view) there are many ways He chooses to heal and there is the obvious "a time to live and a time to die" that must be factored in. I don't believe that God has limits or expect Him to mold Himself to my beliefs (which is so noticeably a trend throughout history) most want a God but on our own terms. Few want to let Him be who He is, we want to make Him into something we are comfortable with, mold Him into our image our ways of thinking ~ not the reverse.

Ok, I know your asking what on earth does this rabbit trail have to do with Grief well if I suppress my feelings (which I have done most my life) and don't deal with my emotions and grief I may allow toxins to build up in my body that could cause disease. I am not saying we need to lose control of our emotions just that we need to find a safe and healthy way to express them. My failure to do this has literally caused me great pain and suffering. After much reflection over the last several years I see how I inadvertently caused my body and spirit more harm. I stuffed everything down about my dad's death for years along with other things then when I returned home I relived all the pain and then some and was faced with the realities of the effects of suppressing thise emotions.

Btw I am exited you may be going to the MEW conference it could change your life and bring you new freedom and understanding. I also want to point out that MEW focuses on many aspects blocks to healing the least of which is unresolved emotions.

Finely, I wanted to respond to your concerns about your grandmother's final destination. I was grieved for you when you expressed your hurt in not knowing if she had committed her heart to Christ. I too believe in hell I believe it is biblically the separation from Christ a choosing we make not God. As I see it from my weak understanding of scripture (and contrary to folk lore) nowhere in God's word does it indicate His desire for anyone to be separated from Him. The bible states repeatedly a message of love and unity that God through Christ desires with us.

I do not know if hell is a literal fiery eternity or not? it may NOT be a metaphor as so many belive but a real place where fire is eternal. For me the thought of being separate from The One who loves me, accepts me, and died for me grieves me far more then the thought of burning eternally. No matter what Hell truly is I do not think The Lover of our soul would want us to focus on that realm but on Him and the Love He has for ALL His children and the Grace He extends to everyone.

One thing I have learned is to not over analyze the salvation (relationship with God) of others. We are responsible for our own salvation and cannot judge another's soul. I believe this is especially important to remember when it involves a loved one. It will do us absolutely no good whatsoever to judge the heart of a loved one, we cannot truly know their hearts only God does. Who can know what another's relationship with God is truly like, who knows the last minutes of your grandmother's life or perhaps the quiet faith she had during her lifetime?

Well I think I am finished rambling, I just want to point out that even with all the above mentioned opinions I know nothing! I am on a quest same as you for truth, for understanding, for a life of completion with Christ. Hope this has made since and that I have not confused you further.

I pray all things said in this post that are absolute nonsense will drift away like sand and that anything valid will engrave itself on our hearts.

I am praying ~ miss you!

Memoirs

2006-05-28T15:59:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to redefine the way I look at my life and writing while at the same time pay heed to the chanting “writing your memoir will be good therapy, you have so much to say” blah blah blah (sorry love you guys – really :) I have been reading a lot of memoirs.

Most have been horrible involving painful determination to make it through to the end so I can hopefully get an idea of how this sort of thing is done and to clarify if I have a life story worthy of anyone’s time. So one minute I think sure why not write my own story it would be good even if I am never published then again I think most of the crap I have been reading is so boring I would not want someone saying “wow did you read her story, it was just awful why on earth would anyone want to read about her life yadda, yadda, yadda!” so since I find it hard to believe my life experiences would be desired knowledge the thought of following through with the suggestion remains daunting for now…..

I have read more then twenty memoirs over the last year (I so wish this was an exaggeration) finally I have found one that was really enjoyable and worth my time. Funny in Farsi has been added to my short list or worthy memoirs. I picked the book up at the library because I recognized Farsi as a Persian language and thought it might be interesting to read. Admittedly I would probably not have recognized the word Farsi had it not been for an old boy friend who is Iranian American (father Persian mother American) my curiosity fully peaked I dumped it into my book bag with about five others, three of which I read (now with regret) before cracking a page of this cute and quirky little book ~ it was a fun read I laughed a lot sometimes belly laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Interestingly enough the day after I picked up the book at the library my Iranian American friend called to catch up on life. We have a strange vibe kinda friendship if you ask me~ if I pray for him he calls, find a book about Iranians in America he calls ~ freaky huh. So anyway I told him of the book and now that I have read it I have visions of spamming him constantly with web links until he reads it ~ it is well worth the read, sadly I doubt he will be running to the local library or bookstore to pick it up.

I think the reason I enjoyed the book so much is that I understood some of the cultural stereotypes exaggerated in the humor of the book. Then there was the descriptions of food that made me want to hop in the car to my new favorite place to eat at the food court in the mall ~ the closest thing to authentic Persian food (run by Iranian’s) I am likely to find around here. Even though it is “fast food” it is really yummy they even added French fries to their menu to appeal to kids…. so sad, I prefer basmati rice with my kabob!

The book was fun because it was cute and sentimental but also because it evoked sweet memories for me, if I think back twenty years I can smell basmati rice steaming on the stove and remember the kitchen table covered in phyllo dough and the smell of baklava wafting through the house. Persian rugs layered everywhere with funky lamps, the decorations in the house comfy with an eclectic Middle Eastern flare. I wont even attempt to describe the sink stopper in the upstairs bathroom. Ok Ann, I can hear you laughing :)

I have seen my friends beautiful mother a couple times over the years she is sweet and thoughtful but I have not seen his father who rarely spoke to me and probably never looked me in the eyes. My memories of him are of him yelling for his son with his thick accent down the stars where we had sequestered ourselves away from adult supervision. When I walked upstairs to make my escape the TV would be blaring and he would peer up over the newspaper briefly watching me leave the house the only thing visible to me was a balding head with curly dark hair on the sides and two hairy arms holding up the newspaper. That’s the most I saw of him unless of course he was looking for his son all too happy to get him away from the Christian girlfriend. To this day I think he sighed with great relief each time I exited his home and moaned upon my return lol ~ which was quite often.

From what I do remember of my friend’s family they are very different then the family in the book, they are much more Americanized most likely because only one parent is from Iran I’m not sure if they would consider this a compliment I do hope it would not be insult. The likelihood of them discovering this blog is slim although I am pretty sure the old BF has a link which he probably never uses (sigh of relief) my memories of them are fond and I would not want to offend them. Anyway the book was fun and brought back many memories forgotten twenty years past and more recently the Persian cooking lessens (can I just say YUM) from my friends cousin when she was going to school here at Miami several years ago. The food the cultural personality quirks and thick accent long forgotten now fresh in my mind.

Firoozeh’s (the author) story was worth writing (and reading) and since we are the same age and have similar memories it was fun but I am still not sure if I have a story. Ok well I do have a story but it so damn pathetic and depressing I find it hard to imagine anyone even believes it is true ~ as I have stated before, it sounds like a horrible Lifetime movie.

Another old BF recently told me (yes I know I am strange they just keep calling and yes were all just friends and no I wont tell you how many call ~ it’s way too scary!) anyway he was explaining the mathematical and statistical improbability of the chaos in my families lives. Well, I had thought of this before but in a so not mathematical way. since I would rather be doing anything but thinking of math including ditch digging and toilet cleaning. being such a literary historian as the old BF is it surprised me that he came up with this highly mathematical thought as well.

So I will continue to ponder the possibility not like it would really hurt to write it all down most of it is in journals hidden from prying eyes and in prayer letters I will continue contemplation and maybe I will do it published of not it would be healthy I suppose hummmm sounds as though I am trying to talk myself into this, time will tell.

blogging life

2006-05-24T17:57:00.000-04:00

I have promised myself I would try to blog more often about life so this is my feeble attempt we will see how long it lasts. Ok I am in selfish mode today I am frustrated that I cannot join a gym like the Rec or curves (curves is having a special and caters to fibro) I had hope to go to the Tri but it will not work due to the independent nature of the thing. Dr nixed that said I needed a trainer or supervision I suppose I could just do it anyway but with my luck I would hurt myself further.

The veggie garden is in thanks to a little extra help and barrowed tools. We have planted heirloom, grape, roma tomatoes I um.. went a little tomato crazy this year. We also planted red and gold sweet peppers, red and green cabbage, cucumbers, green and yellow zucchini, butternut squash, basil, fennel, edible flowers and green beans I should try to post a picture for fun.

I finally gave in and posted a request on free cycle for a bunch of needs garden tools regular tools there is only so much that can be done with a hammer and screwdriver also trying to find a collapsible wheelchair for mom hope I get a few hits it would make life easier.

I went to see the neighbors kitten’s today they were way cute I am in love but must resist must resist must reeeeesist; actually we will not be adopting any kittens until nature takes its course in our rapidly aging kitties. The dog thing is another issue we really miss having a dog not sure if we should go there or not. I think of the expense the need for two fence sides to finish the yard and I say no way! But then, I look at how mom is when friends bring their dog for a visit or I pet sit she is in absolute bliss so the emotional benefits for her may out way the financial and physical inconveniences.

Shana surprised us the other day while Spenny was mowing (yeah Spen) she gifted us with irises so I was totally exited she has blessed us so much and is responsible for most the perennials in our flower beds. It’s so much fun to play in the garden something about getting dirt under your nails and smelling the soil and flowers it’s the walking after that’s the literal pain in the boot~ay.

This morning about 5 am as I was being pawed by the four legged male in my bed (hehe) the fragrance of fresh roses and lavender wafted through my bedroom window it was absolutely wonderful even though I had no desire to be awake after only a couple hours sleep. Anyway, I realized that I subconsciously planted almost all the herbs in the flower bed behind my room along with two fragrant rose bushes. So we have under my window sill two rose bushes two varieties of lavender, two varieties of thyme, three sages and beautiful but not so fragrant Coriopsis and a Japanese iris.

in order to relieve myself of further suffering from the nagging of four legged critters who think the world revolves around them I went to open the back door for the little varmints. When i did I rubbed up against the jasmine plant in the kitchen wow… if only the gardenias would cooperate and bloom again I would be in sure ecstasy lol. Plants and kitty’s in spite my protests are very good medicine.

We took mom to the Dr today trying new meds to help with anxiety she has been having problems sleeping since the Rec closed for cleaning hopefully she will go back next week and that should help a lot also trying to talk her into going to the therapist to help with the PTSD she so needs to deal with this so do I but she has better insurance lol.

We are still waiting to hear from the court I pray we get a trial I still have not read the final papers from the opposing counsel there is really no need it is all in the hands of God and the Judge so nothing I read can change anything other then frustrate me so why bother.

We have a huge to do list which includes finishing the documentation of losses in the garage, picking up my things in storage and dumping what we no longer need. We need to finish the spread sheets and organize them if we go to trial, we need a task force to help with our property which is currently a jungle, have to wash windows here look into equity loans again re-due a video update for the not so top secret project, see the credit counselor again and oh all this should be done asap and this is just the beginning of the list.

Such a boring uneventful life I lead what will I do with ALL my spare time? lol

Dad

2006-05-22T23:14:00.000-04:00

21 years ago today my dad died. I still think of him every day I miss his corny humor the silly way he danced around the house his laugh and the smile lines around his blue eyes. Although I rarely see my uncles when I do its hard to look them in the eyes they look so much like him, in the eyes....

Everyone says you eventually get over losing those you love ~ they are either people who have little understanding of love or have never felt loss from the death of someone close to them I admit the grief changes with time but the spot they filled in your life is noticeably gone.

Jane died in May too I still think of her every day she and dad have a good gig I need to remember that. Grief is a strange thing I am confident that I will see them again but I hate missing them. I want to call Jane when I see cute cuddly critters or e mail her belly laughing stories or just call and chat about everything and nothing. I want to ask dad tons of historical family questions about his life in the mountains in a two room cabin I want to hear his voice I want him to argue theology with me get mad when I refuse to use KJV and tell me to act like a lady when I do something he thinks is not lady like LOL.

I want dad to tell me what to do with everything in the chaos but most of all I just want to see him hug him tell him I love him ~ I know he knows but i wish i could tell him. I wish he were here but I'm glad he is there.....

Error

2006-04-21T14:46:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel as though I have spent the last five years screaming for help and no one listens, I know it’s not true but its how I feel. I came home Monday feeling so relived so free…. it lasted only a short time until I realized I had omitted a key peace of evidence in the brief and because I was so rushed and to make things worse the dear friend who helped me with typos and editing edited out key legal phrases that sound utterly ridiculous to anyone with half a brain who is not familiar with the legal terms.

It’s not like I have been slacking I have been working myself silly I am trying to correct my error and hoping for the courts favor since I am not a lawyer and truth be told did a hell of a job in spite of but….

I sit in pain from fibro that is catching up with me for overdoing it, a migraine headache and nausea praying to not be fearful and to get this done before 4:30 and suck it up when I get slammed by the other side for my incompetence because I will. Wishing I had a family of support to walk through this with me mad at my bro for not helping out more with mom etc. wishing I were stronger and praying I am there for everyone I love who is in need at least half as much as everyone has been there for me.

I thought this was my week of freedom that after Monday it would be in the hands of God and court and it is except for the fact that now I must wait again I know I m not learning the lessons I just don’t know how. Life happens and we are blessed more then most but bad things occur everyday all my life it seems for every good thing there are double or triple yucky things.

“Things” really don’t matter but don’t mess with my mom she has endured enough loss in her lifetime if I tallied right our losses are over 300K but it could be more or less I’m not sure if I am adding right it really stinks, then there are business losses of close to 100k in funds not to mention the other stuff. I keep telling myself it just money just things but apparently I don’t believe it especially when I look at how my mom has struggled.

I am not a very gracious person I am not strong I have no dignity all I have is confusion and hurt. I wish I could be a noble person who graciously deals with life and loss better but I am where I am and I don’t like it.

VENTING!

2006-04-11T15:12:00.000-04:00

Ok just a couple days to go and I am jumping out of my skin although I should say I am stuck in cement with this whole thing. Then today I discover the master cylinder is toast on my car and we have a leak outside the house and need a plumber just when I was getting on a roll on the case with sorting out the facts I get the word the stupid pipes in the laundry room have spring a leak. I AM SO STINKIN TIERED OF ALL THIS CRAP> oh and I am leaving about a TON of stuff!

Those who go before us.

2006-03-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

I wrote this yesterday

Mark Palmer died this morning, it seems surreal we hoped we prayed we fasted we hoped and prayed more It was not to be, I have questions that may never be answered in this earthly dwelling. I have come to terms with the fact that that is ok.

I only met Mark once I liked him right away from his intense passion for God and those he cared for at The Landing Place to his Celtic cross tattoo and the spiritual quest and revelation that went with it. I have followed his journey on his blog his wife Jennifer’s diagnosis with cancer his eternal perspectives and unending hope and faith for this world and the next.

When Jennifer died I asked why? I think she was only 26 her son Micah just a toddler we never met but I felt her passing as though I had experienced the death of a friend. I could not understand why someone so young with clearly so much to give would pass so quickly to leaving behind the two earthly loves of her life.

When I read that Amy and Mark were getting married I cried and thought this is how it should be a friend to both Jennifer and Mark who adored Micah. When the news came shortly there after of his diagnosis with cancer I cried out to God tiered of the sickness in a fallen world filled with disease chemicals and destruction. Tiered of watching the suffering and asked why again why Palmer, hasn’t this one so young endured enough?

Today I sit staring at this screen tears stuck in my throat that refuse to be forced out and free me from the binding. Like so many others including Palmer I held out hope for restoration through miracles of God and science.

I am grieving for sweet little Micah and Amy and the whole community I cannot imagine their pain of having to let go I see the strength and resilience of Amy and know that God gave her to Palmer and Micah as a gift ~ few are brave enough to endure so much with such faith grace and dignity.

I read this on a comment to Amy on Palmers blog a quote from a talk Palmer gave that impacted the life of one briefly yet eternally brushed by the presence of a humble traveler after Jenifer's passing

"I have questions. I want to know why. But, I know where to find the answers. I know who has the answers. So, if I know that why would I run away from Him? I want to be as close to Him as I can."

Palmer was so focused on good and hope and eternal perspectives his story of faith has touched my life like no other.

http://palmerlp.livejournal.com/

Inkling of Hope

2006-02-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

I hardly ever take the time to blog anymore due to constant computer issues with the blogger server but I thought I would give it a shot as I am bursting with thoughts that need to be written so I will start with an update I sent to our church families, more will follow as my mind and heart is filled with truths things I ignore and or refuse to accept.

Dear Friends,

I want to give you an update to let you know how God is answering our prayers, this is a little long a bit like a “testimony” I suppose, but I hope you will be patient with me and take the time to read it, I pray it will excite you and encourage you in your faith! :)

Several weeks ago at my More Excellent Way accountability group, we prayed for our situation we prayed for some tough stuff, like releasing the property to the Lord we prayed over the file of legal papers etc. We prayed God would give me (us) wisdom and help me to know what to do etc.

That night I woke up many times and prayed I felt the Lord said I should embrace the responsibility before me of representing myself and to trust Him. I came to terms with this spiritually and asked him to give me the physical and emotional strength necessary. I also asked Him to raise up help for me and a lawyer if it be His will down the road.

The very next day a friend of mine (Shana) called to say she couldn’t stop thinking of us and our situation and asked me to hang out with her and bring with me the legal file box on Sunday so she could help me with a strategy. After three or four hours we had a plan I still didn’t feel I had a real grip on things but faithfully plodded along trying to sort things out and continue to do so.

Two weeks ago a friend invited me to a prayer group that has been meeting in Hamilton for 40 years. It was so wonderful these ladies take prayer very seriously ~ they are tough cookies I'm pretty sure the enemy hides on Wednesday in downtown Hamilton from 10 am till 4 pm! :) This group graciously anointed me with oil and spent much of their time praying over me for our situation, God imparted to them wisdom and discernment as they fervently walked me through prayer and deliverance.

At that meeting I met a man named Tim he rarely gets a chance to come to the prayer group but just "happened" to be there after many months. This is fun because when I was asked to go to this meeting I said I wasn’t sure until Holy Spirit urged me to go and I felt strongly I needed to be there.

Tim is a director of construction for a firm in Cincinnati; he asked me if he could visit with mom and me so he could look over our situation more closely in the next couple of days. He thought he might be able to help sort out our insurance policy and or use his connections to get us answers so we would know what to do next.

This man believes part of the call on his life is to get things done through prayer support and providing practical helps as he fires the body of Christ up and into action according to the scripture in order to help widows, orphans, those who have been wronged, have needs etc. Tim is a busy business man so I did not hear back from him and just figured God had closed another door.

Over the past month Bill has been organizing my wonderful cinti friends to come and have work days to help document our losses another daunting task, the work days have been a huge answer to prayer. During this time Jeff and Bill felt lead by the Holy Spirit to go and pray over our property and ask God to remove hindrances and or curses that may be standing in our way of our freedom over our current situation.

So along with me and our dear friend Elaine we prayed and walked the property seeking wisdom from the Lord and taking back the land with the biblical authority given to us. We prayed Gods abundant blessings be poured out over our family and property and that the Lord would use the land and our situation for His will and purposes.

A few days later my brother went to pick up something on the property and discovered we had been robbed of fuel oil and vandalized so I had to fill out a police report etc. I found myself falling back into frustration, feeling helpless to protect our property and walk out of the mess we are in.

Over the next two weeks I was stonewalled by the insurance company, opposing counsel, and everyone in between we were getting pretty dragged down again. My mother’s battle with insomnia has been increasing with the stress and her faith has been challenged. In addition to her struggles I have just been losing it as I am continually overwhelmed and exhausted all the responsibilities are left to me since we do not have a lawyer, advisors etc. the responsibilities are daunting.

On Thursday I prayed God would continue to bring provision and help us pay our bills that day my mother showed me a beautiful and encouraging card with an anonymous check with just enough money to keep our utilities on again this month! God knows exactly what we need and when we need it we are humbled, blessed, and overwhelmed by Gods blessings and mercy through the body of Christ. So, anonymous friend (or friends) thank you for the bottom of our hearts ~ we are blessed beyond measure.

On Friday I cried out to the Lord for Him to deliver and save us from our situation over and over throughout the day I cried to the Lord and he placed in my heart that everything would be okay that I needed to rest and be at peace.

Before the end of the day I received a call from Tim who asked if he could visit with mom and me the next morning and take a look at our property in the country. At first Tim thought the Lord had sent him to us to help with the paper work as the morning wore on the Lord spoke to his heart and asked him to help us protect our home and property as it is a viable asset for us and it was not being stewarded well since our focus has been on daily survival.

Tim asked me to get as many strong bodies I could to make a commitment to a days work and promised to have a dumpster delivered this week. Two hours later he called to ask my permission to go onto the property to begin clean up the next day.

I called him late Sunday morning and learned he had been working by himself since 7:30 am when I arrived to help at noon I was flabbergasted at all he had accomplished. Tim believes Saturday we could finish the job with a few volunteers by early afternoon if not sooner!

We are so grateful for Gods provision and leadership it has pained us the last three years to watch the property fall further and further into disrepair and feel helpless to care for it. This is the first step; we will take things as the Lord leads. We do not know what this means for us if we will sell it, rent it, move back etc, so it’s best not to ask ;). God holds our future and the future of the property He has entrusted us with in His hands. We are incredibly thankful for His provision and after three years you can imagine our excitement.

We appreciate your continued prayer for God’s Will to be done, we are trying very hard not to pray our will but instead ask the Lord to lead us and direct us as He desires.

Love & Blessings to you all

Commenting funky again....

2005-11-16T09:02:00.000-05:00

Em

Thank you or the encouragement and the prayers good to see you Friday wish I could have hung out more I had a wicked headache. Ricardo and Marilyn’s Hot Tub has spoiled me I dream of one outside my back door with plenty of room for friends! I have decided to name the sofa mount laundry and pretend the hair on the floor from kitty friends is a new decorating idea! (

Amanda,

Hey hope your well we need to try to start walking again on Mondays hopefully things will settle down with my mom soon. Thank you for prayers and for believing I’m not crazy ~ although I would challenge that with I Sure Feel Stinkin Crazy! Stress sucks, hard to think clearly with the entire chaos guess it’s easy just to write yourself off as a total wack job?

Storm inside

2005-11-15T09:47:00.000-05:00

Its 4 am the storm outside is incredible thunder is amazing energy in the air hard to sleep although it would be hard anyway received a very confusing letter from the court today. The opposing counsel refused mediation I was lead to believe it was a done deal that no one would refuse it.

It convinces me more that they are trying to push this thing out of the way ASAP because they have a lot to lose. I will have to find counsel in the next three months for summery judgment and hide this knowledge from mom to protect her. Realistically it will need to happen quicker then that like in the next week! This is the craziest thing I have ever seen to have so much blatant evidence and get this kind of run around is just absurd.

I don’t know how to do this, how to trust, how to surrender, how to just let it flow and not worry as I start the never ending phone calls again? Deep in my gut I feel it so strong the urgency and righteousness of our fight I have no doubt of negligence bad faith breech of contract etc would be proved if someone would only help us. This is crazy how can this go on how can we be left destitute from the negligence of others fighting for justice only to be turned away from blind eyes and deaf ears?

So much for my naiveté but then I’m not in a “everything will work out in the end” kind of mode anymore wish I were I’ve seen too much “reality” I desire so much to believe it will be ok but only a small part of me does. My spirit has been crushed by the everyday toil of survival thankful for a roof over our heads, thankful for friends, praying we can continue to keep our noses above water just a little longer and not sure how long before the water rises the last inch ~still praying for a miracle.

This is hard!

whining

2005-11-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

I bailed early on HC tonight which totally bummed me out rushed to the store to get detergent sorted cloths ~ working on my second load oh what fun! So now the goal is to get all the major stuff done so I can get to bed so I can wake up at an ungodly hour. Instead of mopping the yucky kitchen floor I sit typing listening to the garden state and wishing I could motivate myself wishing I had not left HC early.

The goal is to only see mom every other day this week and pack as many LSW meetings and dr calls in as I can to prepare for mom’s return home. Praying like crazy it is not premature praying we have all the support in place before next week. Insurance expires for her one month stay on Thanksgiving Day so I will try to find someone to help bring her home Wednesday.

Ok so… I sit frustrated tiered and wishing for hum…. a clean house, folded laundry a good bottle of wine and a hot tub lol ~ I had to add something a little exiting! Well the laundry awaits as does the dishwasher and the trash maybe if I turn the tunes up really loud and jump around a bit I will pump up the adrenalin and at least accomplish one goal for the night.

False expectations

2005-11-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

It just dawned on me, the reason I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hope I expected that after 4 months of investigation they must have found a way to help. How can the evil Insurance company, contractors, inspectors and lawyers get by with this it has ruined our lives.

One way not to hurt so much never ever ever ever have expectation or hope then you wont fall so hard But hey every time I hit rock bottom a whole is blast into the bed rock I have crumbled to and we sore into oblivion again.

I want to hope I want to have good expectations but with a five year laundry list like ours how can you? I should be thankful for what we have thankful for the roof over our heads but now with what is going on with mom that may even disappear soon.

I really am pathetic, and if you are thinking of giving into my self pity party and commenting please reconsider I am well aware of the truth my heart is just too hurt listen right now. We have been beaten too long and I really don’t want to be job and I am far from cool and strong like Palmer and others that deal with life so sweetly when they face unbelievable hardship.

Everyone says have faith God will restore what the locusts has eaten, well that’s true and He has in the past but will He in our lifetime? I am selfish I want my mom back, I want the time stolen from being with our friends who died in the middle of this, I want my business or at least some little dream hoped of along the way, I want our equity in our house or the house to sell at full value and a home of our own. I want too much and have nothing to give in return.

I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith

pathetic me

2005-11-04T17:02:00.000-05:00

I’m numb, a few min ago I cried for a few seconds I quickly shut down. I’m tiered who would ever think life could be so hard. I don’ even know why I’m writing I don’t know if I have anything to say. Just want to escape want to turn back the last 5 years wish we had never heard of CDBG for handicapped it is the most evil thing ever. its so hard to think of what we have the losses are so huge. My business our home our belongings our dignity and now the most heart wrenching ~ has my mother lost her mind?

I hurt for her more then I ever thought you could hurt, and then I hurt for me and the lost time of the past five years and wonder if it will ever be redeemed. How can people deal with loosing so very much I know we aren’t alone I just don’t know how others do it? I’m crumbling, actually I have already crumbled big pile of self pity on the floor in a heap of despair - oh what fun I am today.

It could always be worse and it could get worse at least I know no matter what God loves me even if I am pissed at Him for not jumping in here when I want Him too with the big stuff.

blogger glitch

2005-11-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

One thing you have to do for a lot of blogs now is type in the word verification so you can prove you're not spam. Could that be the problem?

Posted by Ann to Mutterings at 11/04/2005 09:34:30 AM

I wish that was it, I can’t even do that tried to comment about Oreo on your blog it wouldn’t let me. Apparently my fire wall has blocked me from logging in and posting but I can use the Blogger publish button I installed in Word a while back so until I can figure it out.

We ALL no the spare time I have with driving back and forth 80 + min a day visiting mom hanging out at Dr. appointments dealing with rehab, staff administration and oh wait trying to walk every day and get in bed earlier so I can spend 6- 8 hrs again doing it ALL over again. I am soooooooo tiered ~ sux to be me huh?

I know, I am in rare for today still worried about mom; she seems a little better, still no sign of dementia thankfully but she is way out there at times. They ordered another UTI screen and more blood work. The new Dr said delirium but it has been a month. She is doing very well physically except for not sleeping which is a huge deal ~ they hope a few weeks sleep will help but say the older you are the longer it can take…

Blog Comments

2005-11-03T19:24:00.000-05:00

Blog Comments

hi I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate your comments, unfortunately until I get rid of a comp glitch I cannot respond in the comments section so…. in an attempt to be polite to the wonderful anonymous peeps perusing my crazy I will comment here (

I was looking through some blogs and stumbled upon yours. I too had my 20th year reunion last year...it is amazing how the time flies by. God tells us our life is but a vapor...how true it is.

Hi Dale welcome to my blog sorry for not responding sooner this glitch is a bit of a pain not sure how long till I can work it out.

Congrats on your 20th! time definitely flies ~ most the time I still think I’m only 20. I totally agree life is but a vapor although 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently. It’s amazing how our lives and perspectives change as we age. One minute we think we can conquer the world because we are invincible the next we are awakened to the sweetness and frailty of life.

Feel free to visit any time hope I haven’t scare you off life has been a challenge lately and I find this blog to be a place of vulnerability as well as freedom as I walk through the madness and lean on God. oh and also let friends and strangers find out how really screwed up I am. ;)

I'm glad you were able to get a taste of, what sounds like, true Christianity. It's joyful and real, with its hope set on Jesus. He's the only perfect one and I'll be the first to say I'm not. Many times I'm a big ol hypocrite and I hate that. I hate that people might not choose Jesus because they see me. If you've not given Him a chance before, I'd encourage you--He's pretty life-changing.

Hi Anonymous

Welcome thanks for your comment – I totally, totally agree with you and contrary to the impression I give in some of my posts. I am a Christian who struggling with my own hypocrisy and that of the church. As a white bread chick from the wrong side of the tracks currently living in Middle America (oh how I wish it were middle earth ;) and disillusioned with the main stream church I get, um, let see, how should I put it, a little wordy at times.

The group I was describing in my post is 90% African American I love their passion for God I love the fact that as a culture the African American Christians I know are not ashamed of saying the name of Jesus and letting their joy be seen. Now I know that a lot of other peeps of different races that aren’t ashamed too, but, it seams sometimes that they are few and far between and when some of them say something “all godly sounding” I just want to hurl cause sometimes it just seems SO fake.

I think my post was, as usual, an attempt at kicking myself in the pants ~ trying to work through my own faith. I grew up in a toxic church filled with sour pusses, crack a smile and I was scared the pastor might think I was up to something and call me out then and there. So ya might say I am a bit jaded, oh also being a former youth minister doesn’t help any either that’s were you see all the fun volunteering is so much nicer. (

Ok, as you can see I am still struggling with a few things, guess I want people to see the love of Christ in me I want it too ooze from my pours. I want everyone to know the love of Christ I have welling inside of me so they may desire to know Christ too because it totally changes your life for the better ~ even if we all so have more then a few warts. I don’t want to stuff it in because I’m too damn cool for Christ.

Anyway be blessed Anonymous and Dale welcome to my crazy anytime.

Political Conversion

2005-11-03T08:36:00.000-05:00

Political Conversions

Ok, for a lot of you this will be HIGHLY offensive just remember it is satire a little extreme in parts a little too close to reality in parts either way I LOL until I had tears in my eyes.

http://www.thefrown.com/player.php?/frowners/becomerepublican

REAL NIGHTMARE

2005-10-31T21:22:00.000-05:00

REAL NIGHTMARE

This is really scary beats most Halloween nightmares now I know the system is far form perfect is this really the way to solve the deficit?

I agree as a government its stupid to spend money it doesn’t have how bout calling in a few IOU’s or cutting hummmmm lets see spending on a WAR IN IRAQ brought about by suspicious non existent Intel!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/food_farm_programs
House Panel OKs School Lunch Funding CutBy LIBBY QUAID, Associated Press Writer Fri Oct 28, 8:22 PM ETWASHINGTON - The House Agriculture Committee approved budget cuts Fridaythat would take food stamps away from an estimated 300,000 people and couldcut off school lunches and breakfasts for 40,000 children.The action came as the government reported that the number of people who arehungry because they can't afford to buy enough food rose to 38.2 million in2004, an increase of 7 million in five years. The number represents nearly12 percent of U.S. households."If there are cuts to be made, why should we make them on food stamps?" saidRep. David Scott (news, bio, voting record), D-Ga. "This is the meanest cutof all." The cuts, approved by the Republican-controlled committee on aparty-line vote, are part of an effort by the House GOP to curb federalspending by $50 billion. The food and agriculture cuts would reduce spendingby $3.7 billion, including $844 million on nutrition, $760 million onconservation and $212 million on payments to farmers."The fact is, our country is going broke," said Rep. John Boehner (news,bio, voting record), R-Ohio. "We're spending money we don't have and passingit onto our kids, and at some point, somebody's got to say, `Enough'senough.' " The $574 million reduction in food stamp spending would affectfamilies who receive food stamps because they receive other non-cashgovernment assistance. The change is estimated to shut up to 300,000 peopleout of the program. The restriction also could take free meals away from anestimated 40,000 school children, because children in many states areautomatically eligible for school meals when they get food stamps, accordingto the Congressional Budget Office. The White House proposed the restrictionearlier this year.The bill would also raise the waiting period for food stamps for legalimmigrants from five to seven years.
Senate GOP leaders are seeking to curb spending by $39 billion, and havebeen more reluctant to cut government benefit programs. The SenateAgriculture Committee spared food stamps in approving a similar budget billlast week and voted for greater reductions in farm payments andconservation.The House committee voted to shave $212 million from direct payments tofarmers, a 1 percent reduction over the next four years. Cuts to commodityprograms totaled $1 billion and include repeal of a federal cotton subsidyto comply with a World Trade Organization ruling against the program.In a separate action Friday, the House voted 318-63 to approve the finalversion of a $100 billion spending bill for food and farm programs for thebudget year that began Oct. 1. The Senate must approve the measure before itcan go to President Bush for his signature.The bill delays until 2008 a meat labeling law that was to have gone intoeffect last year. Pressure from meatpackers and supermarkets has blocked thelabels, which would tell shoppers what country their meat comes from.The measure also overrides a court ruling on whether products with theround, green "USDA Organic" seal can contain small amounts of non-organicingredients. An appeals court decided earlier this year that non-organicsubstances - things like vitamins or baking powder - are not allowed in foodbearing the seal. But more than 200 companies and trade groups said theycan't make organic yogurt and many other products without the ingredients inquestion, and congressional negotiators agreed. An industry group, theOrganic Trade Association, said the ruling could cost manufacturers $758million annually. Organic food has grown rapidly, from a $1 billion industryin 1990 to an estimated $14.5 billion this year.

Mugs

2005-10-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

Mugs

Wednesday night on the way to MEW accountability I found myself at an introduction concert for the campus gospel singers. I have to admit I didn’t want to be there and had not seen this group “perform” in years.

They were amazing well directed great sound enthusiastic and just down right joyful and the soloist just down right rocked! Pretty sure the lights could have been off and we would have seen little lights oozing from the choirs pores.

Ok, forgive the sarcasm

As I watched and listened I was lifted up, it was contagious unfortunately I was a little embarrassed by this because you see I’m just too cool for my own faith sometimes.

I started looking around the room at people some whom I know, there were acquaintances and friends Christian and non Christian, a couple who have no belief system I am aware of, a man I know casually from the hospital - he might be Jewish I think I recall him in a yamaka one Friday night?

The audience all grinned ear to ear clapping their hands some were even dancing when we were asked to stand. It began slowly I couldn’t resist a closed mouth smile then before I new what was happening I was jubilant! I couldn’t stop myself the joy was so contagious the music so compelling I had to feel good I had to LOL I had to clap my hands and let the goodness of it all vibrate into my soul.

By the end of the event we joked with friends and expressed our need to find a gospel church to go to occasionally to get a fun playful joy fix. But then a little inkling a whisper piped into my mind and reminded me that I’m just too cool for that sort of thing. I mean why would I lower myself to expressing joy openly without shame someone might confuse me with the Biblical description of a……….. Christian!

Stupid blog

2005-10-18T22:39:00.000-04:00

Stupid blog

Well I really didn’t mean to publish the thing I just wrote; blogger has blocked me apparently a cookie or anti virus issue. So I cannot log in to write or comment on the blog but by some amazing miracle I hit the publish button in Word and there you have it my psycho dribble unedited and pathetic at best with no way to delete the damn thing. It Suxs to be me huh? Lol, oh well there are worse things in life besides bad poetic writing laced with pathetic thoughts.

I rally hurt for my mom ~ tons of questions spinning in my head… why? Such a hard life deserves a break and God knows I need one or I am one step behind her. God have mercy.

hurting for mom

2005-10-18T22:25:00.000-04:00

The moon is full the sky bright the stars gaze back at me as I sit wailing with Sara on the box and sipping Shiraz. The window is open I gaze out in wonder at the beauty of it all the power of creation then worry can anyone hear?

Shadows fall candlelight dancing across the floor, my attempt at solitude, at peace cluttered with reality.

I sing louder wishing I was better, wishing for something never gained. The bleak places of the heart cloud the beauty of the moment as I wonder, why?

My heart drifts to and from the beauty to pain and sadness so deep only the supernatural can sustain me.

To be covered and beauty yet blind as I selfishly crumble I gaze at my existence in wonder and ask what makes a valid life? Trying to make since of those blessed or cursed finding myself in both realities fighting to make since of it all.

As I sit wailing with Sara tears steaming down my face sipping Shiraz and wondering at the beauty of it all but can anyone hear the sadness?

Posting this for a friend

2005-09-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

Hey, everyone, I am not a "blogger" and it's not often that I use e-mail as an opinionforum. But as I was watching the hurricane coverage on TV tonight, athought hit me between the eyes.Many people are upset with the government (FEMA, etc.) for failing to actfast enough to help the hurricane victims. Perhaps the criticism isjustified. State, local, and federal officials did not implement aneffective plan for meeting basic, immediate needs--with some really direconsequences. But ordinary people all over this country have pulled together withoutwaiting for the government to step in. Several of us at my church in Ohiospent the midday organizing donations in the back of a U-Haul (thank you,Patty E., for your hard work--it was all worth it!). I saw a similareffort at a gas station down the street. I've heard of people going downto shelters and taking entire families home with them for an indefinitestay. A black church in Biloxi has become a de-facto community center,serving hundreds of meals and hosting relief groups coming in from allover. Where government fell through, churches and other groups have donewhat they've always done--stepped in and met the people's needs withevery resource that God provided to them.I know a day might come that I need the services of the feds. Moreover,it may well be that only the government's pockets are deep enough toprovide assistance for "the great rebuild." But isn't it nice that thegood Lord gave us all a brain, a heart, and two hands to use until thesheriff rides into Dodge? Just a thought. May God bless everyone whohas stepped in to help those whose hands are tied......Elena Stevenson

Responding to Katrina

2005-09-03T14:55:00.000-04:00

~Jen~

2005-09-02T11:48:00.000-04:00

For fun I thought I would add these pic’s of my beautiful friend Jen ~ she just moved for MN to CT which is still the same driving distance from me which really sux! She had her 20 yr high school reunion so i swiped her pics, *evil wicked Grin* anyway I need to learn how to upload photos so I thought I would torture her with these:)

Jen and I met what seems a lifetime ago, I was a seasonal radio announcer. Translation I was a DJ for a 24 hr Christmas music station! I know it’s scary shush don’t tell anyone k :) she also worked for that station a year or so before. One of the DJ’s kept telling each of us we should meet she was a nanny in CT as I had been before I went into Youth Ministry, she was also a person of faith and according to Jim a hell of a lot of fun and he was sure we would hit it off.

One night while Jim was up to his usual shenanigans trying to get me to screw up on the air, this girl breezed in with a cream coat and bright red hair perhaps not so natural lol. She invited me to a party at her house New Years B-day haven’t a clue her family adopted me and I spent every chance I could with them. The rest is history now 16 or 17 years (gotta count the big numbers:) later she has a fab hubby two beautiful kids one in each flavor and is still an awesome friend and a great encouragement to me.

Katrina

2005-08-31T21:58:00.000-04:00

I hurt it’s hard to watch the news to see the suffering I want to help but I have nothing to give? I think of my whining and complaining about insurance and injustice and negligence. How many will be left with so much less then us? How many will not even have a chance to see someone the love again? The devastation is numbing…..

I recognize nature is a powerful force and perhaps Gods design is to allow these things to clean the earth’s surface for new beginnings, none the less it is harsh as a human being to sit by and watch the suffering. Most of us can only pray or send a measly check and hope it actually reaches those in need and not the greedy.

I whine about insurance and contractors and gas and food prices as I sit dry and comfortable in a house provided to us in mercy. I have so much to be thankful for I wish I had more to give…..

Access Rant!

2005-08-28T11:23:00.000-04:00

This town so sux if you have a disability helped mom get to church this morning can’t count the number or cars sitting across driveways that she had to maneuver around and cars parked diagonally sticking 2-4 foot out in the street ~ if students don’t know how to drive or park send their cars home!

Most of the grated curbs in town are a mess I had to get her unstuck from an “ADA” ramp and she has 4in clearance with her new ride. I expect problems with trash usually beer cans when student are back, I expect a few buckling sidewalks around overgrown trees.

I suppose I thought Miami’s curbs would be better due to all their endowments for every cause in the universe but no it was almost as bad. The shame is mom could have driven herself and felt more independent and been safer if our society cared to think of something other then their selves.

I have a proposal every person in government including all university big dog’s around the world. Should be requires to spend a week (big gov. need a month!) in a wheelchair using public transportation and sidewalks ~ I give them all less then a day and they would be crying for change.

I wish I could do something, I know its expensive but I also know if a town is not too lazy they can get CDBG grants for ADA needs. So I complain and pray and maybe I will scream a little might make me feel better!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting, Waiting....

2005-08-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

Thought I better blog before the “blogger Nazi’s” show up at my door ready for torture :)

Over a week ago we were given an extension and two lawyers are investigating the case. Thanks to Elaine who saved the day by dropping off our file box we hope to hear something soon, um… like we think you have a great case and would LOVE to represent you and your mother!

I’m trying not to be anxious, praying like crazy for peace justice etc. I thought I would be happy about the continuance the fear I battle is that it is just drawing out things and “what if?” - trying not to think of it.

The last couple days have been good; I have started playing internet detective looking for old collage friends for a potential reunion next year. I have talked to almost half the class; don’t be impressed it is a very small school in the mountains and half the class is like 25 people! hehehe

The sucky thing is I have never been good at idle chit chat, I like reality so… although I would love to be all superficial about my life due to its pathetic nature, I find myself spilling….oh well.

The funniest thing about calling everyone has been there reaction to my singleness, apparently (and this will come as a shock to those who know me Now ferrsure! hehehe) People are in shock. I overheard someone whisper on the phone that I was her age and still single in a shocked southern accent. I on the other hand, was trying to be quiet as I lol so hard I had tears in my eyes trying desperately not to let this person know I had overheard her!

Another old friend from my dorm let out what sounded like a whimper of pain when I told her the news! I have also had the following other responses "your time will come" "I’m so sorry, that must be hard for you?" "So are you dating anyone?" yadda, yadda, yadda!

Last but not least the first response I received was one of my favovites ~ cause the guy who said it is too cool.

"CANT BELIVE YOU HAVNT SNAGGED A MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO FALL OFF THE SINGLE BAND WAGON....AFTER SCHOOL. OH WELL, REMEMBER WHAT PAUL SAID, "DONT SEEK A DUDE" ~~~~~~ "THEY JUST MUCK UP YOUR PLANS" ...:)

Gosh ya gotta luvim!

Maybe I was a different person then less jaded by the world I haven't dated as much since moving home compared to my early twenties. I think it is hard for some people to realize single is not a dirty word; I actually enjoy it most of the time and find myself blessed with freedoms my married friends do not have. Although I have many married friends with boat loads of kids that do everything you can think of so maybe it's your philosophy or maybe more realistically it’s how comfortable you and your mate are with your relationship, who knows?

So I am planning a reunion I may not even get to go too, but it is keeping my mind off gutted house stuff so... I do have to start documenting losses again and spread sheets of bills etc for our claim. Then there are the other three lawyers I need to call just in case. I am so not motivated and really don’t want to, it effects me in a not so nice way; its like I'm standing on a grenade and waiting for it to go off.

So I will try to call one lead or go threw one file or maybe take another hour today and play internet detective?

BLOG SPAM!

2005-08-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

I am pissed my blogs have been spammed 6 times nothing is sacred anymore I thought SPAM on my fax was annoying enough!

Reprieve?

2005-08-15T14:49:00.000-04:00

As I lay in bed praying in the spirit and asking God for mercy I also prayed that if He has no lawyer for us that this thing would just end. During this time the phone rang and the secretary of one of the lawyers I spoke to was relaying that the judge has given us a thirty day continuance on our case, so the two new guys can investigate our case.

We have a reprieve for a while, is it an answer to prayer ~ I hope it’s the answer we want, I don’t believe my prayers are wasted and I don’t believe our God would allow this to happen without purpose.

My prayer

God please have mercy and allow us to rind a lawyer and a resolution to our situation. Thy will be done cause we know your plan is best.

Like a deer caught in the headlights

2005-08-15T12:22:00.000-04:00

It’s almost 1 pm and I have done nothing but stare at the numbers and look up a few things on the net about or situation. I should be making calls but I’m so frightened I’m almost paralyzed.

Friday’s conference call went well, I suppose, the two lawyers said they need time to evaluate everything and will look at the case at the court house today and talk to the judge. They told me not to get my hopes up and to keep making phone calls to other lawyers.

I feel sick inside and pray they take the case, we so desperately need a break in all this, God gave us a roof over our heads one week before our eviction would have had us out on our bums. Trying desperately to believe there is a miracle just around the corner and we have started to turn…..

Another no rejection sux!

2005-08-11T15:03:00.000-04:00

Angels Hiding in the Midst

2005-08-11T11:19:00.000-04:00

Paula saved the day by clearing the jungle, nice to walk in the yard barefoot and not trip! We had such a nice time praying lunch and tons of needed encouragement. We were joined by Kara who continued to pray with us throughout the day and “held my hand” while I made calls. Breaking into tears so easily it was hard to do anything, if it were not for Paula and Kara I would have laid in bed and not bothered with anything anymore.

The law firm that has been putting off talking with me, the one that and I quote said “I promise you this if we cant take your case I will find someone who will”. Finely said “no” “our firm to small would not have time for any case but you’re if we took it” bla bla bla ok, not my best attitude, after six week of reviewing the case he did give me two names and Kara gave me a name so I have calls into everyone and a conference call set for tomorrow at 3:30. I pray we find someone quickly. I really wish people would not make promises they can’t keep especially lawyers. Only four biz days left…..

During this time I received a three way call from two wonderful ladies who lifted my spirit and placed truth in my heart. Admonishing me to play and rest and give it over to God because if he wants us to find legal counsel it will happen. Their prayers went deep, I find myself in awe of the people in my life and the love and support they poor out to my mother and I…..

About the time I was getting ready to lie down to rest Ginger (my moms home care worker) said we have company and to go out side. I should point out that Ginger had a huge smile on her face and her eyes are bugging out! :) I proceed outside in my scruffy cloths not showered and with my hair up in a pony tail to find Kimmy leaning over my car with a camera, with a huge grin on her face – a conspiracy a foot!

Kara and Christy come from hiding behind my car with huge smiles pushing a brand new top of the line Troy Built, Self Propelled, Candy Apple Red, Mulching Lawnmower covered with ribbons!

Well hey, I did what I do best lately and burst into tears mixed with much laughter while screaming Kim don’t you dare take a picture of me looking like hell! Christy stood oh so shyly and cute while giggling as only she can, to know my sweet friend Christy is to fall in love with adorable almost instantly!

Bearing hugs and a card signed by some of my fav Veritasian peeps they explained the conspiracy that was withheld from me to my amazement for a couple of weeks - I can figure most conspiracies out quicker then a snap. We were in shock to say the least; mom joined us as we were walked through the finer features of the new mower by Kara whose uncle works for the manufacturer and was in on the plot.

Kara’s uncle and a friend from work used their employee discounts that they receive only one day of the year to buy the mower at a huge savings. Two men we have never met reached out to us and blessed us – words, they just don’t cut it most of the time!

Over the summer our friends and our neighbors have offered to help cut the grass knowing our situation but we didn’t have a mower so a jungle was born, we never imagined such a sweet and generous gift.

When things are going so horribly wrong God sends angles baring gifts and encouragement, it’s His way of showering us with kisses and giving us hope. Our Bridegroom wants nothing more then to lavish us with His love especially when we get caught up in lies and forget His promises.

I know I’m sappy get over it hehehe.

After practically being dragged to the shower and yelled at, I decided to pull myself together and go to Ladies night out at Kona, which until last night was my all time fav restaurant but the took all my favorite things off their menu! So, so sad am I….;( Anyway was good to catch up with everyone and it did help me to lighten up a bit.

One more sappy thing k – no matter what anyone says I know with all my heart I have been blessed with better friends then thousands could have in ten lifetimes…. I love you guys so much - just when I wanted to crawl in a hole and thought I was all alone you reminded me (us!) that we are not!

I do have one concern my mother being a bit adventurous and hum how I should put this discreetly HELL ON WHEELS hehehe. May get crazy thoughts in her head that since the mower in self propelled and she can hot rod the chair behind it…… God help us!

Now I’m off to steal the film or memory card from Kim and if I can’t find the evidence I will be forced to inflict mortal harm….. ;)

truth

2005-08-10T09:24:00.000-04:00

This is what I really need to focus on!

Lord, I will not fear the situation that is before me, knowing that if I fear, I may be the one who is putting into motion that very thing I fear.

Based on Numbers 14:28

Five days and counting......

2005-08-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

Five business days left to see a miracle?

Not very productive in the mist of the count down to ????

Mom is not well every day we have fought going to the hospital - she needs meds I just want her off the evil drug that turns her inside out every time we run out and cant get it for her.

I just remembered all the spread sheets I was supposed to have in to the powers that be before next week. Not only are they about 40 hrs not finished I feel trapped and unable to make rational decisions right now. Actually my memory and concentration are so bad it hard to get anything done.

Still having nightmares – something about being at the hearing I was crying hysterically fell down sobbing and passed out. Oh what fun! Emotions are a crazy thing actually not far from thinking I have finely stepped off the path of all rationality. How do people in war torn countries with REAL problems survive?

Don"t get me wrong our problems are real and more serious then most people know or care to know. I just can’t imagine... We are so spoiled by our American culture!

Trying not to feel abandoned trying not to be pissed at the well meaning people who think loosing everything is a great way to "start over" and are orgasmic that my mom is living in town even though the bills are pilling up and this is killing us.

What a joy I am today huh?

Dear friends coming to help out for which we are so incredibly grateful. We are finely going to get the jungle mowed after about 5 + weeks, then another friend is coming to call lawyers with me -- hopefully we will find help this is horrible!

A friend yesterday asked for the best and worst case scenario to try to help me rationally think things out - it didn’t work I cried for hrs then woke up crying today. Bring on the little men with white jacket and don’t forget a nose wiper - my hands will be tied behind my back! ha ha

Ok, overly sarcastic and procrastinating the inevitable... have to stop writing and start making phone calls. I really hate this!

Crumbling Fast

2005-08-09T08:44:00.000-04:00

Only six more days until… we are falling apart physically and emotionally we pray Thy will be done but really we want our way. A quick and easy get out of jail free card to rescue us from impending ruin.

Fear is a nasty thing – doing a horrible job trusting we just don’t know what to do or where to turn. Guess we are supposed to be all noble and say positive things? I’m petrified the “what ifs” screaming in my head… God have mercy if this thing is thrown out what will I do with my mom and no place to go?

This is so frustrating!

Please God help us to trust that everything will work out, please pick up the pieces of our lives and help us to remember your promises.

Self Hatred

2005-08-05T12:38:00.000-04:00

I wrote the following to a friend struggling with some of the same issues I do. Actually, they are some of the same issues that most of us struggle with, if we are brave enough to admit it. I edited it a bit but hope the heart of what God is doing will be evident. I feel as though something evil has finally been pried free, now comes the challenge of not ever allowing myself to be romanced again by deception.

Warning conservative blog peeps:

I know that some of you who read this blog are extremely conservative and find certain ideas and language to be offensive. I do not personally believe I have written anything all that extreme or offensive but you may? Please understand I seek nothing more then truth and sometimes it is delivered bluntly.

The lies that find their way into our minds and try to take root are so incredibly believable at times, it hard to know which way you are coming or going. Lies rob our joy beat us down and rob us from our destiny and they must be silence!

I could start making a list of lies next to the real truth about myself and others but I know from past experience it doesn't work. The lies manipulate our thoughts and make us think that people are just saying things to make us feel better. I do know that I’m getting angrier by the day and I‘m convinced it’s not an unrighteous kind of anger although I have been known to have a change of heart in these matters. ;)

I am PISSED OFF at the lies and at the human condition that allow those lies to cuddle up to us sensually and wrap themselves tightly around us like they are our lover.

Our true Lover does not inflame us to hatred against ourselves or others, He seeks to lavish His blessings and His tender words of endearment upon us because we are His finest creation, His life's work, His masterpiece. We are the love of His life and for Him, there is no other He would rather be with. He wants us to be aligned heart mind and soul with His truth, yet we create our own perverted realities that sicken His heart and crush Him.

On our wedding day when our husband or wife stands (or stood) gazing into our eyes and speaks to us before God, will we (did we?) stop them and say oh everything you just said is not true I am a worthless peace of SHIT? How then, can we daily stand before our God who gave up everything to embrace us in perfect beauty and grace not only say those vial words but fling the nasty stuff at Him?

He stands before us ignoring the excrement, tears pouring from His eyes saying I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful and I find no flaw in you.... I am not ashamed to admit I am sobbing now because I am guilty we all are to some degree. It needs to stop, the truth has to win or we will be lost and take with it every good and perfect gift that comes from God.

Sorry I’m preaching, well maybe not that sorry:) I am screaming to myself as well. The other night I spent 2 hrs on the phone with an old friend who challenged me and I was numb, anaesthetize to all but the lies. The lies make me feel, the lies are my friends, the lies are my lover. After that conversation I spent the next two hrs IM'ing with Kara, the lies seduced me again wrapping their perversion around me and I found comfort in them.

My sweet Beloved cried and grieved as He stood by me saying do not listen, don't be deceived, don't be ashamed, I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful, and I find no flaw in you....

Earlier when I read the words of my dear friend’s blog something snapped in me I was so enraged that she had been seduced by lies. I was outraged and I hurt for her and wanted so desperately for her to see that she was being deceived!

Then it hit me like never before, I realized we share the same lover and find similar comfort in the perverse deception he lavishes on us with a gleam in his eye as if to say I win, I am the master, the world is my brothel and I am its god.

To say the least this is a radical thought and for those of you who practice other religions or no religion. You will most likely roll your eyes and state “whatever” or sweetly tolerate our differences without much understanding laced maybe with a little fear that this chick has finely soared off the edge :)

~ just want you to know that’s ok I’m a big girl and can take it! :)

Before you have me committed think about this, every day we have things that float through our heads, ideas our culture or so called friends throw at us, or the thoughts that come at us out of a screwed up childhood, marriage etc.

When we embrace those negative thoughts they take root in us and we mold ourselves into their image as opposed to molding ourselves in the image of truth (which for me is God) and since we are buying into the narrow minded lie we never feel peace or fulfillment. We allow the lies to trap us in negative patterns of thinking and our lives are not as full, we become so entangled at times in the lies it is hard to love to be loved or even feel!

I would love to say that I will never again be in the same mess I have been, but I know that’s a dangerous thing to believe. I do know that every day I will have to take my thoughts captive and replace the negative with the truth.

I need friends who are not afraid to kick my Ass when I screw up and love me in spite of – LOL; but i'm pretty sure I have that covered already ;)

So I will press in and press on in hope that in replacing the lies with truth that my true self will finely emerge into freedom. I pray that for all of us........

How NOT to find a good Lawyer for a legitimate case in 400 days or less

2005-08-03T10:20:00.000-04:00

Be honest

Make sure you have no money and are on the verge of bankruptcy

Have a nervous breakdown every two weeks that snows you under for days or weeks

Utilize pro bono programs that hook you up with Shysters

Tell other potential litigators about former shyster
Be sure to cover all details about shyster, no insurance assets hidden in family names, filing bankruptcy etc.

Tell small firms upfront you know the case is complicated

Tell large firms the same

Tell huge mega firms with 100 employee's the same

Hints for Lawyers: what to say to a client (with no money) to let them down easy.

Your case is Very complicated

We are a Very small firm and your case is Very complicated

We are a large firm and we have a business to run and your case is Very complicated

We are a mega firm with over 100 lawyers on staff and we do pro bono ,but not for you, its too complicated for such an understaffed firm as ourselves, sorry

I feel for you, but I have to feed my kids and keep a roof over our head It's a shame corporationsons get by with what they do today isn't it?

You can't make any money off insurance negligence in your state anymore - I really feel for you.

Your case could take 5K to 50K to prosecute and your don't have any money So sorry this dreaful thing has happened to you.

You have one of the best cases we have ever seen, we just are too understaffed to handle it right now - so keep looking for a lawyer

The number one The best excuse you can say to a potential client who has lost everything

Your case appears to be in the medium - low range we only take "large" multi million doller cases!

You to can be a victom!

be honest, pay your bills, buy appropriat insurance coverage, and let shyster contractors, remedeation teams, insurance adjustors, and attorneys walk all over you until you have nothing.

simple as breathing, let me know how it works out for you k :)

Drunkard's Prayer

2005-08-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

After many conversations ending with “you need to blog” I am, well sorta? I find myself unmotivated by physical and emotional pain that traps me in a season of winter unending, so we will see how long this lasts.

Once again I am in awe of the love in my life the “little” blessings so huge (to me) and to numerous to count flowing into my life…..

Looking at who I am, or maybe who I have become I find no deserving nature in me, yet love pours over me like a flood. Not just the gifts and sacrifice given when life has sucked me up and spit me out and I have nothing left and feel know one could possibly care (a blatant lie btw) but the sweet friendships and love I come so far from deserving that embraces me daily overwhelms me.

The tunes of OTR sooth my soul and speak to my heart the and although I casually know the authors they will probably never know that our hearts are entangled with the same questions and sentiments about life love and the ultimate relationship that binds closer then brothers.

My sweet Kara and Kimmy bless me endlessly Drunkard’s Prayer sits close by along with countless others it should be easier to remember the blessings, but even with the reminders I fail horribly in my despair and grief.

This forum doesn’t contain enough room for gratitude my wonderful cartoonist, the stone gunman, my personal gardeners, the not so top secret project team. My soapmaker/bakers who touch me with their servant hood and sweetness. The surprise answers to prayer that come in the mail with love flowing out so rich I cannot even grasp it all

Yet I sit angry beyond comprehension at the injustice the world throws toward us all, favoring the almighty dollar and power to decency. There is nothing good in my but my beloved because I know my secret desire... I want to rip the heart out of evil and banish it forever.

Thus my ridiculous obsession with fantasy adventure I suppose…..;)

if only i had a real case like this one sigh.....

2005-07-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

AOL News - Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Probe

The institution of Law may it one day be relieved from stupidity!

2005-05-17T11:13:00.000-04:00

OK I know it's shocking I am finely posting something. This forward a friend sent me to day just pisses me off - no I haven't taken the time to verify all the info but it really doesn't surprise me.

Maybe if our case was not so legitimate we could also be awarded mammoth amounts of money for our pain suffering and losses - I m pretty sure our losses and pain and suffering over the last two years have been more severe then the ridiculous cases below.

HUM..... We wonder WHY The current powers that be want to stop frivolous law suits? But hey with my luck our real case would be viewed much the same way by the current corporate "political powers that be" in office!!!! Ohhhh..... to spare the poor little insurance companies from ruin while their clients fight for survival, face homelessness and financial despair- can you feel the love?

@&%$#%&#%&^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh.....

I feel much better now ;)

INSANE is too little a word to describe these law suits!

"The Stella Awards"
It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck,who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM).
That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous,
ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (3-way tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas,
was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle,
tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store...
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict,considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
~~~~~~~~~~
5th Place (3-way tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor
ran over his hand with a Honda Accord...
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at thewheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.~~~~~~~~~~
5th Place (3-way tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania,
was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage...
He was not able to get the garage door to go up,
since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning...
He couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut... The family was on vacation,
and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.
He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks
by his next door neighbor's beagle...
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought, because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time,
by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard
and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson
of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone)...
The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it
at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware,
successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city
when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
and knocked out her two front teeth...This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the windowin the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge...
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
~~~~~~~~~~

AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST...

~~~~~~~~~~
1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski
of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...
Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home...
On her first trip home, (from an OU football game),
having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich...
Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her
in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this...
The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home!

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit,
just in case there were any other complete morons around!~~~~~~~~~~
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Snowed in

2004-12-23T06:25:00.000-05:00

The snow is still falling 2 foot drifts block the doors and I have no shovel! Now this makes life interesting. The ancient one (aka for the 21.5 year old dog) and I will have a dilemma when he wakes. I fear I will have to let him get back to nature in the shower yuck!!!!!!

Still not sleeping, what else is new, ok I get 2 -3 hrs a night of inconsistent sleep but it isn’t enough. I frightened a few friends with my last entry – sorry I guess it does come off a bit disturbing, but then, I’m a little disturbed by mold hell and our futile attempts to find solution to what seems a doomed effort at times.

I do not have the emotional of physical energy at this point to catch things totally up to date in Blogdom so here is the nut shell, trust me this is the short version!

Mom is in rehab for two falls which caused her to break her tail bone and violent illness over the Thanksgiving holiday. She is at a nice nursing home, but I can’t wait to have her home – she is driving me a bit nuts. She over did her therapy about two weeks ago (because the therapist have no clue about Post Polio and mom pushed herself too hard!) and now cannot lift her legs into bed on her own. They still have a goal of release for Jan 5 but I fear it will take longer; I want her strong and home ASAP!

We have not found a lawyer due to conflict of interests at many large firms and most small firm cannot handle a case such as ours due to its complicated nature and the potential expense. We need a miracle I fear we may face bankruptcy I am a deer caught in bright headlights. Friday the large firm I thought might help us said yes but on an hourly basis. Even though they had previously told me they take “contingency” our case is so complicated and may be costly. Um this and another health insurance crisis, the loneliness of the aging and Americans lack of time and compassion for them, and being turned down for a consolidation loan because of the house spurred my last blog rant..

I have taken a needed break from house church until the after the first of the year, it is the place I need to be most, but I haven’t the energy to give and I have been too broken and distracted to receive, so…..

There is the LARGE nutshell – it is scary to think of what is missing, it is way too overwhelming to write more. Everyday I have a new crisis which keeps me from being able to deal with mold hell; I fear it will hurt us in the long run. Sometimes I am too tiered to pray and feel I have no faith left but I continue to pray and a small part of me still clings to hope that justice will be served God please let it be soon.

LIFELESS

2004-12-18T07:44:00.000-05:00

Sinking lifeless to the bottom of the tank watching life crumble before me with no motivation to move or be moved, existing. Self pity my only friend as water pours from my eyes and my body aches from its violence.

So lurkers beware, vague, obscure, and hidden in despair unable to find the road to freedom, the secret language of my heart poured out in cyber hell. Naked and Blind I come clothed only in shame for now, so my mutterings may confuse you at best?

The Pharisaical rule disgusts hypocrisy at its finest, to love my Beloved in all His purity I find myself in a flock of vultures their mission of glamorous intent. Mere words fall meaningless to the pit, only to be devoured by the bottom feeders as they feast on their favorite meal.

I have never been glamorous; life of the pretty involves a status never held, to associate yourself with such without parade so empty a pursuit. Had I been born with more would the vultures stop circling and picking at my flesh and embrace me into the fold?

Admittedly Blue Like Jazz in natural elements of reality holds my heart tighter then Pharisaical lusts but the pain is still their... I hope to join Daniel for a time in a quest if I am strong enough. So far only weakness consumes me, supernatural strength will be my saving grace as I press in and press on in hope of freedom redemption or maybe just life?

Pursuits in the aquarium may continue if I can will myself, less vague and more detail of the latest may find way into my cyber cell, but as I said before it is not glamorous as previous entries will confirm. The darkest places of the soul are never pretty, but then I suppose I am grateful to have one....

BITCHINGS

2004-10-26T13:50:00.000-04:00

Think I will rename this blog Bitchings, Mutterings sure doesn't fit it huh... mom in hosp at my request so she can go to rehab after falling yesterday, insurance may not cover rehab so she could be back home before she is ready which is dangerous. I want her stronger so she does not hurt herself. Given up on the Pharisees, like I should have expected them to give a damn anyway. Court trials mounting have to go back to re-file stuff cause the Insurance company name was not written out properly - I don't know how to do this stuff. Finally have our case file, pretty sure our former lawyer screwed things up exponentially, the good ol' boys club prevails. No one seems to want to help due to the complications of case our best shot of help may have a conflict of interest. Our house will most likely be condemned because of the new mold - PODS only paid through end of week then back to auction threats. I am tiered dozens of distractions from cut off notices to SSA review, house is a shambles from switching furniture mountains of paper work I don’t know where to begin. If I have to ask one more time for more help I will explode! I need a break but I don’t expect to get one. Couldn't sleep last night so I watched a movie cried all through it ashamed of myself for not handling our situation better, we have so much to be thankful for. The movie was about the quadriplegic who went to Harvard Brook Ellison (SP?) - Very convicting wish I was a stronger person, but I am not.

UP TOO EARLY !

2004-10-22T07:14:00.000-04:00

Thought I would dive into Blogdom this morning - tiered of trying to sleep my mind is busy with worry. I keep saying I will update our situation but the stress and my health are getting in the way. Sometimes it feels like I will explode if I have to talk or think about mold hell one more second. There is a part of me that just feels like this blog has become a whinny bitch fest instead of its real purpose it was created for, to be reflective or perhaps even creative as I seek purpose and hopefully draw closer to God in the process but it has been hijacked by my response to our circumstances.

Our situation seems so hopeless at times, we are not alone too many people have lost there lives, health, financial security etc you would think the powers that be would have done something by now to help insure health and safety it has to be wiser and less costly then the current system which is barbaric! We were reminded recently of how lucky we are to have coverage for water damage through our insurance company - there are those who do not. Its scary, we have coverage and we are in a fight that could take years and have lost almost everything what about the people who do not have coverage? Too many people sick dying and in despair if the government does not take a stand as they did with lead and asbestos it can only get worse. But then there will always be the corporate lawyers weighing the cost - if 1% of all manufactured cars by "hot car" roll into the world with faulty breaks that may potentially pose a hazard is it more cost effective to have a recall or pay out a few insurance premiums even if a few lives are lost? We live in a sad world were money is god and lives are cheap....

Ranting again...

2004-10-10T09:14:00.000-04:00

I am suffocated exhausted frustrated and then some - I have given up my whole life - it never has been or will be enough!

Sleeping Better :)

2004-10-06T19:18:00.000-04:00

Hey swimmers just wanted to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers, the new meds I am taking at night for Endo are allowing me to sleep about three hours straight at night and it is making a HUGE difference. My usual sleep pattern is sleep one hr, wake up, toss and turn, then repeat all night so I am feeling better and more rational THANK GOD! Don't think I can put up with living with me if that were to continue anyway, just wanted to say thank you.
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)

Digging out of despair?

2004-10-05T03:34:00.000-04:00

I am overwhelmed- so what else is new right? Everything seems in vein I can’t function I am tiered weary bla, bla, bla, same old story. Cant cope, cant function all my energy goes into trying to be normal in front of friends or on the phone being professional and I am failing horribly at that-- no one calls me back anyway so why bother?

Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?

My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.

I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?

So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?

I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!

Fellow tourists - pick yourselves off the floor! sorry I made you faint from shock - the crazy chick finally has something new to say …..

2004-09-27T01:19:00.000-04:00

I Just needed to say something to keep my sanity and let everyone still brave enough to read my rantings know that I have not fallen off the side of a cliff, or hurled myself into a volcano, nor am I hitch hiking out west and I have not hopped a plane to back pack across Europe - alas my life is not as exiting as all that.

Although, I am convinced one day in the near future the last four years of my life (at least) will be turned into a horribly written melodrama for the Lifetime Movie Network, and those of you who know me well know what I think about the quality of television oozing it way into the pours of trailer trash America (no offence -- some of my family and friends live in trailers ;) and my mothers room until 2 am every stinken night of the week via Lifetime!

My only concern about our story being submitted to Lifetime is although there is a heck of a lot of drama there just isn't any violence abuse or abduction so our story may be turned down. Unless I loose it and take a machete to the house since it is once again filled with mold or maybe go out get drunk and find someone to beat up which so fits with my violent nature LOL! Don't mess with me I'm a mean ol' chick!

Ok enough of the sarcasm I find myself coping day by day as life becomes increasingly more complicated and overwhelming. Clinging to my faith and praying the nightmare will soon be over or that at least I can learn to live better within the nightmare.

Tonight my mind is stirred with concerns for everyone I know and love in Florida (and those I do not) I continue to cry out for their protection and wait on pins and needles for an e mail confirming their safety. Selfishly wanting Jim to come next weekend even if things did get sticky with the hurricane, sad his wife and the girls will not be coming with him either way- sigh....

Tonight at House church we continued our discussion about Saul and David in 1 Sam 24 the topic of Job came up as we talked about various passages and of course the comments made struck a sharp cord with me personally. At one point I just wanted to scream at everyone I love so dearly "you just don't get it!" their lives filled with struggles but so unjaded as of yet I envy them a bit...

Ok this is just my opinion I mean no offence to anyone with differing opinions I would also like to point out I have avoided reading Job lately for obvious reasons - I may need to refresh my memory a bit and read the story again.

In my opinion we seem to put Job up on a pedestal, the idea that Job was super human just doesn't gel with me and maybe in all truthfulness that was not exactly what was being expressed tonight. BTW it was a very small discussion about Job it was big to me because of what I am dealing with.

Job was rightcheaous and did not curse God does that mean he wasn't pissed off frustrated discouraged? Especially when his wife shows up at his ash pit as he mourned encouraging him to curse God and die? I would be pissed, I would have probably told her to get the heck away from me and leave me alone so I could morn and cry and scream in anguish over the hurt I had just gone through - just me and my God!

Sometimes I feel like the Judeo (sp?) Christian community expects people of faith to be superhuman I think sometimes even if we don't really believe it we compare Job to that super human mentality. I am going through hell yet my grief and losses don't even compare to Jobs and although I have no desire to curse God and die I don't feel very rightcheous. I also know that feelings and reality are not always the same.

My question is what am I called to what is "expected" of me ( gosh I hate to use that word!)How am I to respond to the crap I am going through, all pie and the sky everything is sweet and couldn't be better, it's not sweet and it could be a whole hell of a lot better couldn't it? Ok, I admit it, there are sweet things the roof over my head, my friends, my family, my critter friends, beautiful music, sunsets, and children laughing Just to name a few!

But, (don't- cha just hate the but!!!) it sucks to be me right now, could you do it non stop deaths of people you love, non stop trials, non stop health crisis for you and your family, non stop financial struggles, non stop stresses, non stop cut off notices on your door, non stop legal issues you don't understand fully, non stop negligence?

I would like to point out that I also have a non stop God who will never leave me or forsake me! And that everyone I know is going through something especially those in the path of the hurricanes - it is definitely non stop for them. And thank God I don't have cancer I can walk have a roof over my head and loving friends and family!

What I am getting at is I jut don't think life is fair sometimes it just sucks and we were never promised fair or that life that would not have challenges and although it pisses me off to hear people (myself included) whine about the trivial we just should not expect people to be all joy joy happy happy when things are rough.

I want reality I want people to know I give a shit about there lives, the blessings, the mundane, the bitter sweet, the crap that is tearing them apart. I sure as hell don't want to feel like I have to be perfect or make them feel that way either. Just as I believe Job was far from perfect yet he was still a rightchious man! I also know it is better to wake up thankful blessing your life and the day verses waking up miserable and filled with self pity. I also recognize attitudes are contagious and I would like to exude a joyful spirit even in times of adversity. I know I sound like a bundle of contradictions, but in my crazy warped world it actually makes since ;)

Clarifier

Know one at my house church expects my perfection, a cord was struck with me over one innocent sentence. This is about me and the propaganda I believe we all find ourselves inundated with from time to time it is NOT about my friends or my church placing expectations on me. I just needed to vent about the mainstream ideas of the "church" I continue to find myself in opposition to. The church of the Bible unfortunately is not reflected in many of today's churches...

Ok, my rant is over for now maybe I will sleep?

2004-09-01T21:26:00.000-04:00

It is getting harder by the day, sometimes it feels harder by the moment I am emotionally physically and spiritually exhausted. Came home from an orientation for teaching and crashed into bed. Other then a couple of phone calls and stress of the elec company on our door to shut off electricity I have been in bed. Thankfully my mother’s need of oxygen held them off… I have never been so unproductive, never been so broke I am thankful for the roof over our heads but I know baring another miracle we will drown. I hate feeling like this, I am so tiered, I don’t mean to whine and complain or be all poor pitiful me I just don’t know how to deal with everything I am so incredibly tiered. All we can do is continue to pray and most the time I am too tiered to even so that… God please help us to cling to you and not give up hope….

Chester A Garfield Sharp Aug 24 1925 - May 22 1985

2004-08-24T22:50:00.000-04:00

The following pictures are of my dad who would have turned 79 today, it is hard for me to imagine my father being this age he was very youthful like my mom who is turning 75 and seems like she is 50 something. The photos are a priceless gift given to me many years ago by my aunt who has since passed away. I treasure the few I have of my father as a young man and pray one day I will have more.

My dad was goofy, told corny jokes, and gave great bear hugs, loved kids was sacrificial, played Hymns and Blue Grass on the mandolin and mumbled when he sang even though he had a nice voice. He embarrassed me on a regular basis loved Jesus and would spend many late nights reading the Bible. He liked to push my buttons about the KJB - he being a die hard Baptist did not like his daughter reading the other not nearly as accurate versions - I am sure he had a serious talk with God when I gave my first sermon the year after he died! LOL

he died several hours after talking to me on the phone, our ritual- I would close by saying "bye daddy I love you" and he would say "I do you too" classic response :) the day he died he never gave me a chance to say it, he told me he loved me and as I handed the phone to my mom I LOL and she teased him about it, those were the last words my dad said to me I am thankful for that.

The grief has changed over the years it is bitter sweet now filled with thanksgiving that he is not in pain or miserable because he had to retire so young. He is also free from the travesties of this world like 911 and the current war. He would have a few choice words to say about how women dress today and would probably whoop my butt for even watching extreme makeover even though I am 40! :)

We were making the transition from father daughter to father daughter and friends the year he died; I still think of him every day and miss him terribly....

2004-08-24T22:38:00.000-04:00

My Dad in his Teens

2004-08-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

My dad lookin like a gangster :)

2004-08-24T22:36:00.001-04:00

My dad on the farm

2004-08-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

My dad on the farm Jellico Mountain TN

2004-08-24T22:34:00.001-04:00

My Dad and Les

2004-08-24T22:34:00.000-04:00

My dad & my cousin Les

2004-08-24T22:31:00.000-04:00

My dad

INSOMNIA!

2004-08-17T05:52:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is getting so old I need to sleep, my mind isn't so busy lately cause we have secured housing and the stress has been reduced considerably. I still worry too much but comparatively my mind is pretty quiet so why cant I stinkin sleep!

Catching up…

2004-08-16T01:21:00.000-04:00

I talked with a real lawyer type person Friday, no voice mail no run around no telephone interview. We arranged a real face to face for Tuesday I am elated and pray this is the right person, so far it's the only one so...

Enjoyed my day of freedom Thursday, resisted the urge to run & dance naked through the house ;) - just worked, slept, did laundry and dealt with a broken water heater.

Went to one of the local tech schools Friday and finished my application for Continue ed classes, we will be teaching two aromatherapy workshops, hope it goes well and grows into more classes. The program looks promising and they have a larger Cont ed department then Miami. Found out I have to be finger printed etc, my anonymous existence on planet earth will soon cease!

Received really bad news about my last bit of funding late Fri afternoon, I was devastated had a hard time dealing. Worked myself into a frenzy for the market etc then had insomnia again and didn't fall to sleep until after 5 am - I then overslept and woke up at 10 am totally missed it, will probably burn more bridges although I pray I haven't!

Had a really good night Sat hanging with friends at Temberwolf for great concert it was SO worshipful David Crowder Band, Mercy Me, Michael W Smith it was probably one of the most relaxing worshipful times I have had in a while. I miss singing so much; I really need to try to do something no matter how bad I sound....

Went to hang with a friend for his first sermon today, he did a great job and it was fun cool to see him reaching out and touching lives. Crashed most of today too tiered from the weekend, up in time for house church which was great as always. Happy that students are coming back - sad our in depth discussions will change as time goes on.

Had a great time hanging with a friend tonight up town, lots of LOL and getting to know each other better looking forward to more relaxing nights Lord knows I need them. Now time to hopefully fall asleep - need to deal with funding issues in the morning and have a conference call for a biz venture I have been working on that baring another miracle is now lost. Time will tell, hope I can remain faithful..

Sweet Sleep!

2004-08-11T21:06:00.000-04:00

Things continue to move with the speed of a snail on the legal/mold hell front although I did have a productive day thanks to much needed sleep last night. Yesterday was a nightmare I hadn't slept more the 8-10 hrs in about 6 days, ended up extremely tiered vulnerable i.e. cried at the drop of a hat. Today after getting about 5 hrs sleep I am feeling so much better! It's amazing how much good sleep can make you feel - pray I can sleep again tonight. Looking forward to tomorrow - this sounds bad but my mom will be gone most of the day to a dinner theater so from morning till 3 or 4 I am a free woman I can crank up tunes etc! I love her tons but I rarely get a day just to be so I am looking forward to it.

Still amazed and grateful to have a roof over our heads, it is AMAZING that someone would do this for us; I still can't believe it at times. I fantasize about being able to help people one day in a significant way....

Tomorrow I plan to call an attorney a friend told me about today we also have a phone interview with a lawyer at 4 pm hopefully we will find someone soon who will do a great job, take the case on contingency etc.

Trying to decide if I have enough energy to go to a meteor shower party tonight, looks like it will be cold and a little cloudy but we might actually get to see a few little heavenly fireworks now all I have to do is get motivated and find some warm cloths to wear or crawl into bed and be lazy.

I keep forgetting to journal the latest happenings other then mold hell cause of the hectic nature of the past couple weeks. My friend is HOME from the hospital her surgery was a success and she is recovering. Her little friend (ok NOT so little:) Pan is now home with her and we miss her terribly, accept for the chunks of hair all over the house and yard! Two months ago we though she might die now there is hope although I continue to pray she can find the willpower to quit smoking before that takes its toll!

God is always good

2004-08-09T22:51:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I have written, stress taking its toll this past week as I battled multiple migraine headaches sleeplessness and fatigue. Our blessing came in a phone call early Saturday morning I was dazed and sleepy after being up all night ill. It still seems surreal, a gift too big to fathom to large to find the words to express the full extent of what dwells in the heart.

Ok, what is this huge blessing I must try to find the words to express? A local Christian businessman bought the house we are currently living in, and paid the back rent so we would have a place to live! How do you come to terms with the magnitude of his generosity the magnitude of our God and how our prayers are always answered on time even when we think they are not being answered at all. My faith has been shaken, and I admit it still is as the events of today unfolded and now crush hard against my spirit - my human nature revealed once again.

Even so, we are not homeless, when all was lost and seemed hopeless, when we were crying out to our Lord in despair a man we have barely seen in a multitude of years stepped forward and did the unimaginable. How do we come to terms with his generosity how do we come to terms with the doubt that has been in our heart as we have cried out to our God have you forsaken us?

At first we were in shock and as the day went on joy permeated our souls and filled us with light hearts our relief indescribable. A friend’s mom took one look at me at an Open House and said you look so light, the blessing lifted our spirits lighted our load and humbled us in new ways with gratitude immeasurable.

This morning we were almost robbed of that joy, at 8:30 am a fax arrived from our former attorney notifying us our case has been dismissed. On Friday shortly after the judges clerk assured me we could share our concerns with the judge on Tuesday and ask for a continuance the judge dismissed our case. No one called there was no significant notice given, maybe it was a blessing we had two days of unbelievable hope.

Ok, its not like we don’t have hope now but we are feeling the weight of the significance of this event. We are uncertain what the judge will do, I have tried writing him a letter several times but I am at a loss as to what needs to be said. My heart too close and too devastated by the circumstances and what this means if they refuse to reopen our case.

I cannot imagine not reopening the case it is a strong one, I find it hard to believe the actions of our insurance company could be justified. I ask myself where is justice and what kind of world do we live in? I remain hopeful but the hope I felt yesterday makes today’s feelings seem insignificant. I find myself crying out again where are you God have you forsaken us? Yet yesterday all I could do is say our God is a great God! Like the children of God wandering in the desert I have too quickly forgotten who my deliver is.

We will press on, we will not give up even though we feel as David as he hid in the mountains with his enemies surrounding him, betrayed by those he loved - we will continue to believe and reach for eternal joy. But I will not lie to myself or anyone else, I am broken, hurt, lonely and desperately want to walk in freedom and see justice served. All we can ever really do is pray continue to trust and ask God to increase our faith....

Veritasian wedding II

2004-08-02T10:17:00.000-04:00

All I can say is WOW ok, I can say more then that :) in two weeks I have seen two beautiful couples marry both totally in love with each other and Jesus. Each wedding unique and a sweet reflection of the relationship Christ longs to have with us. Erik and Christi had a simple traditional wedding and I found myself fighting back tears before Christi made it three steps into the room. The ceremony the vows beautiful and reveling the truth of there hearts.

Jason and Andrea chose to have there wedding on Saturday at the home we meet in for house church. Quiet intimate and very family oriented we all pitched in some way and it reminded me of stories I have heard about weddings hundreds if not thousands of years ago. It was touching I am sure the whole place was in tears at some point I know I was. It was sweet words seem inappropriate I think if you were there you would understand what I mean. The presence of God lay thick all around us there were times I felt I could look up and see Christ.

Two couples you cannot help but love, I look forward to watching them grow closer to each other there community and God :)

Typical Friday

2004-08-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

Friday was a totally strange day; I have given up on anyone returning phone calls it was another day of strategizing and researching with no results to speak of. I have to believe there is a reason for this or I will go crazy maybe it is just life just the circumstances of the culture we live in. but my heart longs for a reason a delay with a greater purpose for a greater good?

I had planed to go to cinti to hang with friends but my bro and his wife ended up coming over to do laundry and have dinner with us so I changed my plans - then they showed up two hrs late! I was so pissed off it was frustrating didn’t bother to heat up there dinner either tell me your coming at 6 pm you sure as hell should be there within reason and not at 8pm, and not with some lame ass excuse about playing a stupid video game, he is not 10 years old but 42!

stressing!

2004-07-30T17:52:00.000-04:00

Running out of Time...

2004-07-30T11:47:00.000-04:00

Lets see what is going on, hung out with Kimmy on wed had a great time, she highlighted my hair turned out pretty good and made me feel a little better. Too bad you can’t spend an hour and take off 20 pounds! I am pretty sure the hair experience was more traumatic for Kim then me, the whole oh my gosh what if I ruin your hair thing but hey she didn't mess it up it looks good and even if she did I would only torture her for a few measly years! :) That girl is SO talented I think she can pretty much do anything she sets her mind too - oozes gifts and talents, I will write more about that later.

Misplaced my cell phone sometime yesterday, it is most likely set on vibrate doesn't help when I need people to call me back but I do leave my home number in messages too and always ask people to call that number first so..?

Things are still overwhelming talked to our landlord the other day he has been gracious to us in this situation but we need to give him an answer about if we are going to by the house etc. Everything is tied up in red tape I just don't know what can or will happen. We don’t have time to fool around and wait for people to call us back, but if we press too hard we end up with the crap from VLP don’t call us we will call you and its been over a month and they have not called us back. We only have a short time to find a GREAT lawyer willing to take the case on contingency because we don’t have a dime!

I am still in a depressive funk, I play the game pretty well out in public or hanging with friends but it is hard. Pretty much, at this moment I just don’t want to be around people, I am tired negative, depressed, etc. The thing we need is a solid support system an advocate because we just don’t have it in us emotionally or physically and we just don’t know enough about the legal system.

We are scheduled to meet with our friend the realtor and another guy we have known for many years about the house situation on Wednesday not sure what will happen I jut pray we can find answers this is horrible. We have talked on the phone about many options, but nothing is certain. There have been times in my life I have judged homeless people especially ones with children and have said why did they allow that to happen to them, end up living in a car or shelter etc… I had no idea how easy it is to be lost in bureaucracy, too easy to judge when you haven't walked their path.....

Dark Night of the Soul

2004-07-28T06:29:00.000-04:00

This night has been the longest so far, moving at an unnaturally slow pace my heart cannot find the peace that it longs for, it is there quiet unassuming so close it brushes against me but for some reason I cannot touch it.

Only Seventeen days left, we still have no answers caught up in red tape and one of society's greatest sins - not returning phone calls. The thing is if someone called and said sorry can’t help or we don't know or can we get back to you at our convenience that would be cool, that would be respectful, that would ooze integrity instead we are stuck, not knowing which way to turn what to do what not to do.

If something does not happen in the next day or two, we have no choice but to start packing, we probably should have done this already, I have just been trying to spare my mom but now that seems in vein. The thought of calling the media comes to mind, but then I think of sensationalism and find myself uncomfortable with that but it may be our only course of action?

As I think about were we can go its overwhelming, who could or would take us in, what would we do about accessibility for my mom, who would take in or care for our 21 year old dog and the kitties. My mom cannot even stay temporarily at a nursing home because of insurance issues or we would at least have 21 days of grace after Aug 14.

The only things I do know for sure to do is pray and praise God for life and a wonderful mom and good friends. I think a lot about Job, who lost everything and mourned, covered in ashes. It dawns on me that although this was most likely a cultural as well as spiritual act that is really all there was for him to mourn and grieve in the ashes of everything earthly that was lost and to cry out to God to bring comfort.

I was talking to a friend about a really faithful guy I met a couple of years ago, a short time after that meeting his wife was diagnosed with cancer, she died last summer. His blog is filled with faith trust and peace, its not that they did not struggle or that they did not have there moments of utter despair but they had and he still has a supernatural understanding of the eternal that is hard to grasp when going through difficult seasons of life. The archives are worth reading. http://www.livejournal.com/~palmerlp/ ok, guess I will try to go sleep again.......

2004-07-25T08:15:00.000-04:00

I called my ol' friend Pope to catch up this week he moved back home to Ohio after being in Atlanta for a couple of years. Good to catch up and LOL looking forward to a visit soon – hey babe you reading this, that means SOON or I will get out my can of Whoop Ass! :)

This trial and trib thing is moving like molasses its frighteningly scary we just try to remind ourselves we have a God who likes to build our faith and blow us out of the water with His creativity at the last min. Two things that Pope said really stuck in my head the first was that it was like I was a leaf on a tree being shaken and that Job was so much better off after the chaos. That is the hope that whether it be practical or spiritual the journey will have been worth it and in the deepest places of my heart I believe that is true, it’s the selfish whinny part that struggles!

Found out my friend who has been ill was moved from the Cardiac ICU to a step down, she is really having a hard time recovering lots of pain and lung issues, not surprised due to the smoking. They are not sure if the surgery worked I pray it did, I can’t imagine spending the rest of your life dealing with what she has had deal with…

Went to celebrate a friends birthday and wigged out with the introvert thing I almost left a few times but I kept praying, seemed to settle down after it got dark easier to hide I suppose. I have been at social functions with these people for 2-3 years not sure exactly what happened, sometimes the hardest places to fit in are like this one good people but they are so close new peeps have a hard time connecting.

Didn't sleep well again last night filed with thoughts of anything and everything, time is running out and I am feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. My mom is really hurting and scared feeling like a burden to me her church etc it will be five weeks if the "forget" her again today she is crushed….

Looked up the OTR link for a friend and came across there new MP3 on line you have to check it out it is very impressive let me know what you think IMHO high class quality entertainment BTW the back up vocalists ROCK! ;) http://www.overtherhine.com//////music/mp3rarity/index.html

Embarrassing but funny :)

2004-07-23T14:32:00.000-04:00

Trying this again

OK - I can finally see this silly picture hope I have made you all have a good LOL! I am new to this picture thing not really sure how I got this to work! Oh well C'mon LOL at my hair my cloths my gosh those earrings! :)

2004-07-22T22:38:00.000-04:00

Cracking myself up!

Reflective

2004-07-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

It was a long and unproductive day not feeling well temp is 100 very fatigued and have a headache did not sleep well last night yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh well hopefully I will feel better soon I really need to beat this fatigue thing.

I have been reflective today about conversations over the past few days, a close friend really challenged me by saying my mind is too busy and ya know what its true for the past year my mind is busy with worry, something I was freed from many years ago. I will never forget being at Morning star with Erika & the Mags, Beck and I went for prayer and this cool Messianic Jew prayed for me (us) at the time my head was filed with negativity and worry about Fibro, Endo etc.

He was from California and his name was David he was definitely gifted, one of the first things he prayed for me was that my mind be silenced from worry and be at peace. He then proceeded to pray for me for probably a half hour or so it was very powerful the manifest presence of God was burning hot on my hands as they trembled. That next morning when I woke up my mind was silent it was so quiet I was not bombarded by constant negative thoughts and it stayed away until mold hell I don’t ever remember it coming back until a year or so ago….

So, at this point I find myself looking for that freedom once again I know it can happen I think maybe that is the currant thing to pray for that the worry to silence it takes too much energy and I suspect it to be causing most if not all the fatigue.

Another reflection on life a close friend of mine is having fertility problems, I grieve for her she and her husband will be great parents it’s hard to see them long for a child so much and struggle to get pregnant. Her last words to me yesterday were about how thankful she was for her husband and how she never imagined she could ever feel the way she does be loved the way she is etc it choked me up because I hear so many people say it can NEVER happen to them, not that this applies to me :)

Later while chatting with a friend at 3 trees the truth bubbled close to the surface as I fought back tears. The rejection I fear as a result of Fibro and Endo the longing in my heart for unfulfilled dreams and desires wanting to sing more then anything and never being good enough. Wanting to be in theater or dance like years ago and never having the opportunities, longing to minister, to have a successful career. wondering if I am loveable or even worthy of love or for that matter can I really truly love others? Looking at the sacrifices I have made for my mom and wondering if that is the right path then quickly think what other choice have I had?

I don’t like who I have become in some ways, I opened a box that contained many photos and several letters I had not seen in years. They are mostly of my life in the 80’s and 90’s before Prednisone of course it seems that is how I look at the timelines of my life before and after steroids. I was so thin and kinda cute although I didn’t have a clue at the time, I don’t really think I gave much thought to those things I was a different person. I have always battled my self image and esteem but I was more confident and accepting of myself then which is scary. I definitely know the problem existed twenty years ago but I also know it has grown worse and I have become somewhat of a reflection of the lies. I don’t want to live in the past but I would like to learn from it when I wrote I remember it was easy to see where some of my issues came from, but it is not an excuse to continue to live there! I have never been so obsessed with these issues ever in my life every waking moment my mind seems to have the potential to drift to my physical emotional and spiritual inadequacies.

I read a few of the letters today while resting did not really fully recognize the girl they were written too I laughed as I read my secret admirer mail from college my three closest guy friends were relentless with there flirtations and quest to help me see I was beautiful inside and out and all truly liked me for me I think love letters from my college boyfriend that although sweet and revealing should probably be thrown away. looked closely at the photos too and raised I did not recognize the girl who was not afraid of cameras who looked happy with sparkling eyes, of course this was before my diagnosis with fibro.

The truth is I feel sorry for myself it is not a pretty thing I whine about my circumstances and grieve for the life I have “lost” without giving much thought to the life I have, broken as it is it is still a priceless gift. My desire to have children is not strong yet the infertility issues I have make me whine and say well if I ever got married I would at least like the choice or who the hell wants to marry a fat ugly potentially infernal chick with fibro. Self pity is a lie from the pit of hell and I have allowed the negative busy thoughts in my head to consume me. Then I think of my beautiful friend who is married and how desperately they want children and I am ashamed of my attitudes. All I can do is continue to call out to God to change my heart to help me not to drown in the lies to deliver me from the negative thoughts that have seeped into my mind.

I want my own space!

2004-07-19T17:12:00.000-04:00

Let’s see what I have been up to… Spent Sunday morning recuperating from Sat night had lunch at Kona (YUM!) and spent the afternoon with a good friend. Picked up Joe to hang out and go to Veritas and was sweetly surprise that two of my fav peeps came to check out the Veritasian house church experience, hope they were blessed. Got an emergency call and rescued a friend with a flat tier - had to take a road trip to Hoosier Ville. Went back to Veritas too late to hang out etc on home and back up town for a crazy car ride to nowhere with a preoccupied friend - sounds terribly exciting huh?

Received great news about my friend who has been ill, I talked to her daughter in this morning. The surgery was Friday her mom is well but having a lot of post opp pain and discomfort, not sure if she will be going back to the nursing home to rehab or directly home. The best news is her son recommitted his life to Christ and has moved back home to live with her and hopefully help take care of her when she gets home until she is on her feet. I pray he can get the support and counsel he needs to change his life it could be a hard road. He told his sister he realized the only time he was happy and had peace in his life was when he was walking with Christ! J Even with all the trials we are going through I still can relate to that same experience.

On to my exiting day today business meetings this morning with potential but I just don’t have peace not sure if the offer is a wise one at this time. We will continue to explore the possibilities and see what happens, I really need discernment. My bro hooked me up with a potential biz contact so I am praying the doors open it could be a great place to wholesale with. Made tons of phone calls when I returned home haven’t had one returned and it is now after 5 pm the questing is why am I surprised by this, you would think I would be used to it by now we really have to find a lawyer and secure housing ASAP!

Had a bit of a melt down about my life today I love my mom and believe I am called to live with her for this season, but there are times when I just want to live on my own. I really need my own space to be alone to hang with friends to crank up the tunes and not worry about disturbing her. Gosh sometimes I just feel like a teenager who has no real independence of her own. Maybe I need to try to house/pet sit a little bit more I do miss my little critter friends and I definitely miss the money, but I just don’t feel very reliable considering our current situation.

On a lighter note Pan one of my fav puppy friends who is currently living with us, has started steeling my bras yes BRAS! She likes to lick them which is totally gross Cathy said Vega does this too and that is it a deodorant thing so all you dog lovers has your dog ever licked your Bra! I await your stories with much anticipation LOL!

Wedding Cont...

2004-07-18T00:20:00.000-04:00

The wedding was beautiful, Christi was breathtaking and so were the bridesmaids Eric was handsome, I loved seeing the look on his face when he caught his first glimpse of Christi as her father walked her down the isle. His eyes were as big as saucers his mouth dropped - not sure if he remembered to breathe for a minute :) It was like he was thinking WOW I get to marry her, it was nice to see there love for one another and for God. I see couples like them and think hey maybe love is real and not an illusion? Ok, I believe in love but the boy girl I love you enough to die for you or follow you to the ends of the earth thing is just too much for me to believe in sometimes. I know it exists for some just not me well at least not for a long time anyway and I doubt it ever will. The music was incredibly beautiful too many talented people all in all a great evening it went perfectly, I am so thankful God brought them together.

Stopped at Borders on the way home a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket so I bought myself a CD (Reel Big Fish) and a book (By Terry Goodkind) I have been waiting to come out in paperback for what seems like forever, it was NEVER at the library, RATS!

Tried to keep the focus on the wedding but my mind and conversations drifted a few times to mold hell, when I finally arrived back home I walked through the door and my mom said hi, we have mail from " the court", Not a how are you, Not how was the wedding, Not did you have a nice night? – But, read this letter Now, see what we have to deal with Now, what are we going to do Now etc! I just started crying, hell I'm still crying I just don't know how I am supposed to deal I feel so damn alone in all this! I am so jealous of people who struggle with petty little problems what to do on a Sat night or I wonder if he/she likes me….Gosh I am so far from where I want to be with Jesus right now, I rally hate it I hate the loneliness the frustration not knowing what to do or not to do I pray we have a breakthrough soon, less then four weeks everything seems to be coming hard all at once and I fall crumbled beneath it with my hands lifted up saying please hold on to me tighter.

Veritasian Wedding

2004-07-17T15:29:00.000-04:00

Getting ready for the fist ever Veritasian wedding, looking forward to it, it will be fun hopefully I can hold it together and be an encouragement and not have a pity party about my life or in some opinions lack of one. Thought I would just write a little bit cause this new blogger upgrade sux I have not been able to do much with it so here goes…?

Driving me crazy!

2004-07-16T15:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, for some reason my post did not work it the first time it disapeared into blogger hell - from the new upgrade maybe? Well to recap - I am stressed and want to scream whish I could just get in the car and drive - go hang on a beach or go out west and climb in the mountains and soak it all in. It seems to be the thing that constantly ocupies my mind when I have had enough financial and legal stuff so I day dream about Hawii or Jamaca or going out west to Montana then on to the black hills and down to Colorado. Of course, I would have to vistit about a dozen of my fav peeps along the way. :) Mom is having a hard day med complications again if she isn't better soon she may have to go to the hospital, I am worried for her it just never seems to end its hard to whatch her hurt! then i am also pretty selfish and dream of my escape, she need a break to a visit to her fav peeps out west would do her a world of good as well.

Catching Up..

2004-07-15T14:33:00.000-04:00

Still no lawyer still no answers can we sell can we buy where will we go what can we do time is running out the current runs fast and the time warp keeps me trapped nothing resolved.

Since walking at the Woods with Gina on Monday I cannot get Montana out of my mind (fantasizing a road trip :) this should not be a surprise considering our history. I do miss it the smell the peace the beauty of it all it is easy to take for granted the beauty around us when we have climbed a mountain and felt as though our next step would bring us into the presence of God, cause I am sure Montana is His fav place to visit and take a stroll :) I find myself nostalgic and thinking of my three fav guys from back in the day all living out west, maybe a few phone calls are in order one night it has been too long...

Sat on the stoop Tuesday night soaking in the most beautiful sunset created by a storm far off, the wind whipping through the trees the smell of rain wafting through the air it was amazing it was powerful wish we had had a real storm. The power of a thunderstorm is so energizing there is just nothing like it next storm I'm gonna dance in it :)

That same night I was hit hard by the reality of how far the broken will go to manipulate and try to salvage what they have lost, at first I was angered then just sad. The depths a person is willing to go to redeem what they have lost frightening. More then anything I guess it was a lesson learned not sure if any real harm was done at least for me but the misunderstandings of the broken heart will take time to heal, I pray it will come quickly and wise choices will be made.

Mom's surgery went well, they found veins that worked so she did not have to under go full anesthesia which could have brought with it time on a ventilator, so thankful she did not have to deal with that! Her mobility is much challenged I was feeding her but she managed a little lunch without much assistance and is maneuvering a little better in the wheelchair this afternoon. I had hoped to go see one of my fav bands tonight at the music fest but I am not sure if it is wise to leave her alone. Sometimes it sux to be me this is the only group I have really looked forward to seeing all summer especially since they ousted Kogge which was so not cool in my opinion!

Certified mail just delivered new info from our former lawyer the spiel familiar from other malpractice cases we read on the net filed against him I am concerned all we can do is pray. Can't even begin to express how tired I am of it all. Think I will grab the phones and head to the tub to soak in the essence of choice for today, not exactly sure what that is yet but I am thinking frivolous so maybe rose or jasmine. Wish I could ditch the phones and just escape for a little while but I can't chance missing a phone call. Well mom needs me again and my bath awaits hopefully good news will come quickly...

Busy weekend

2004-07-12T23:19:00.000-04:00

Fabulous Bachelorette (sp?) party on Fri night Kim amazes me she is so incredibly talented the whole apartment was decorated in great detail and abfab! Great food great friends a total hit, hard to believe there will be two Veritasion weddings in the next three weeks definitely a milestone for us. Also found out Shaina was expecting she will be a great mom but wow to be 19- 20 in pregnant, I am just not old enough to have kids so I don't understand ;)!!

Went to celebrate my two fav girls from Seattle's birthdays Sat night it was great, fun friends, fireworks and great food. They are good kids I hope they bypass teenage rebellion they are really exceptional the fam has done a good job - it has been fun to watch them grow up, time is passing fast.

Went back and taught the girls how to make a simple water and oil emulsion aka lotion had fun, I think the girls did too. Unfortunately I was crying a lot Sunday I had to wait for them so I hung out and prayed under a beautiful tree. My heart still tender and tiered from the current…Pulled myself together for them but found myself more vulnerable again at Veritas I wanted to stay and pretend everything was ok but I just couldn't to be fair they don’t expect me to always have it together and they have definitely seen me at my worst! I couldn't stay my heart was too tender it would have been all about me and not the other important things going on like the upcoming weddings and house purchase for Veritas. I had to step out twice in the first half hour because I started to cry, cried on the way out and all the way home too - I was not alone another friend was having a hard night too.

I went up town to the fountains to meet a friend to distract me from the heaviness It started raining hard it would have been nice to just stay there and soak it all in. being an adult type person sux sometimes I should have I just lain down and watched the storm explode overhead and worry about wet cloths later. Ended up getting a video don't remember the name, but I laughed through the whole thing which I really needed. Escape is good but not always wise responsibilities continue to press hard against me the time to escape too short. I dread the phone calls the business meetings of the week mom's surgery is a concern that something so simple could be so..

Had a productive day for the most part lots of phone calls this morning and biz apt this afternoon that may bring potential working relationships. Mom really saved the day I guess my melt down on sat got through to her She made tons of phone calls while I was in Middletown, I was so thankful it was a blessing to have a little help. Gina and I went walking for a couple miles tonight at the woods it was great I have been slacking on the walking schedule I need to get back to six days a week. If I don't loose this stupid wait soon I feel like I will explode, it sux that the self image thing is such a battle of late not good timing with all the other stuff going on not that there is a good time to deal with it..

Great pix and a letter arrived from my fav friend and his two beautiful girls I miss them so much, don't think they could get any prettier but I know they will. That is a concern too.. thankful they have such wonderful parents. So now I procrastinate, writing in the blog trying not to think about what I must do tomorrow trying hard not to think about the self image issues trying hard not to think about how horribly written this blog is and its need for editing - not that I am very good at that either but oh well at least I am getting things out of my system..

Let me be angary a little while

2004-07-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

It's never enough I am never good enough and it's always something just when you think things cant possibly get worse they do. I am tiered I am tiered of being strong... we foolishly think of suffering as though it were a right of passage of a gift for the strong or faithful. I don't want to be strong and I don't want God to be strong for me, in this moment right now I need to feel this and although I know this feeling will pass soon as truth engulfs me I need to be angry I need to cry and scream I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, I just want to run away with no cares. My heart cries out for the truth that I long to drench myself in and I know will soon it's the race against time to write the anger before the truth comes.

I know it sounds crazy and it is.. maybe the past 4.5 years have made me a little crazy but I need to be mad I need to be pissed off. Pissed at our disgusting lawyer and the corporate insurance company that doesn't give a damn that any day our electric could be turned off in less then five weeks we are out on our asses with little hope of saving our house selling our house buying or renting baring a miracle that I know in my heart can happen. I want to be mad I want to be pissed off I want to hate them if only for a little while. Then the peace will come and truth will flood my soul bringing with it forgiveness. A little of the hurt will remain and too much of the despair and I will go about my life and people will say, you are so strong you are so faithful it cant get any worse then it is. And my heart will be faithful and I will agree because in my own strength I can do nothing and I know every good thing in me comes from God.

But it can get worse and it may and I will want to scream at my mother again as she constantly nags me because of her own hurt and fear and I will face life like always. But for now I want to be angry I want to scream I want to pound my fist against the wall and cry out WHY I am so tiered of phone calls so tired of reaching out in humility it all feels in vain. I need to be mad I need to let it out without restraint, if only for a little while.

Kimmy just stopped she is a blessing listening patiently as I vented, it felt good!

I Remember

2004-07-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

This is part of my history, the dark part I did not grow up in a large city as one would assume upon reading these memories. The events of the past have shaped my life some have made me stronger some have not. In my sleeplessness I have tried to discover the roots of my brokenness the purpose is NOT to wallow in self pity I have too much to be thankful for. Maybe this list will grow as time goes on maybe it will not this is only a small part of the first 12-14 years of my life. The other side the sweeter side will follow soon as the waters continue to stir.

I remember growing up on the wrong side of the tracks
I remember the squalor of poverty
I remember the shame and embarrassment
I remember never fitting in no matter how hard I tried
I remember that I hated being different
I remember the loneliness

I remember Tammy shoving me in front of the car her hands crashing hard into the small of my back catapulting me forward, the feel of the black top as it scuffed and burned my hands my face a foot away from the front of the green car as it screeched to a stop
I remember Ruthie locking me in her yard and later in the basement and torturing me
With her words and the tools on hand I remember her mother coming home and sending me on my way without much thought to what was really going on
I remember Melissa swinging my arm hard and my body crushing into the brick wall with the jagged pieces
I remember the 3 or was is 5 who held me down and beat me the boys heavy foot that held down my head as the others kicked as the crossing guard turned away - I chipped my tooth that day
I remember the boy who ran over me with his bike and the spoke that went straight through the side of my knee - I can still see the scar
I remember playing through the fence with Kim because I was rarely allowed in her yard
I remember hurting with pain far deeper then bruises

I remember hell fire and brimstone
I remember hating church but loving Jesus
I remember overhearing children and adults plot to keep us from youth group outings the looks on their faces and fumbled excuses when they were caught
I remember being taunted by "good" Christian kids as parents looked on - my parents clueless and forgiving
I remember not fitting in and never being good enough

I remember the boy who fathered three children by his fourteenth birthday being cornered by the police and our dog in the back yard
I remember the same boy threw a chair through our front window
I remember coming home to learn my father was attached at gun point
I remember the stalker and how scared my father was
I remember being frightened and shaken hard by the two guys in the red car on drugs getting away and running to school and having to file a police report
I remember the guy with long blond hair shooting up across the street I watched him through the front window
I remember the smell of pot wafting through our windows on warm summer nights
I remember JR and the huge garbage bag of marijuana and the girl who screamed and cried for help that night as a policeman walked down the street ignoring her
I remember living in fear

I remember being ashamed of having a handicapped parent and afraid of loosing her
I remember my dad driving himself to the hospital when he had his first heart attach and the constant worry that followed
I remember my grandmother's cancer and being by her side when she died
I remember too many funerals
I remember learning to expect the worst

2004-07-07T02:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight I feel awful - not sure if I am sick having a panic attach or just exhausted. Physically it's hard to describe I really hate going to doctors and dealing with hospitals but if this doesn't stop soon I will have to do something.

I am tiered worn angry... Tiered of being responsible, tiered of swimming in circles wish I could just run away sometimes - well at least go on a vacation! I think of a friend too far away to help who plans her own death because she is angry that life has not gone her way and It sickens. The selfishness the emotional black mail the manipulation the guilt the lies and the despair she allows rob her of the beauty of life and it grieves me. As I contemplate life what it has and has not given I see even through the muck that it is a sweet gift. I look at the losses throughout my life especially those of the last four years, the dreams and desires of the heart unfulfilled as of yet and can honestly say it is worth it if only to step on inch closer to my God and I am thankful for that.

The PODS have been repossessed along with almost all our belongings our future dimmed by our earthly eyes. The muck at the bottom of this little experiment is murky at best. Remembering days gone by at the pet store, cleaning out the tanks with the hydro - clean all the nasty mucky stuff being sucked up off the bottom of the tank in a simple but magical plastic tube muddy yellowed putrid rocks left clean, glass sparkling like crystals. Maybe that is the process the churning of the water filtering out everything that clouds so we can see clear?

For all of you who have called, e mailed and posted asking for an update thank you I will try to do that soon your love and friendship are beyond measure - I may be broken and tiered but a pretty rich chick :)