Commenting funky again....

Em

Thank you or the encouragement and the prayers good to see you Friday wish I could have hung out more I had a wicked headache. Ricardo and Marilyn’s Hot Tub has spoiled me I dream of one outside my back door with plenty of room for friends! I have decided to name the sofa mount laundry and pretend the hair on the floor from kitty friends is a new decorating idea! (

Amanda,

Hey hope your well we need to try to start walking again on Mondays hopefully things will settle down with my mom soon. Thank you for prayers and for believing I’m not crazy ~ although I would challenge that with I Sure Feel Stinkin Crazy! Stress sucks, hard to think clearly with the entire chaos guess it’s easy just to write yourself off as a total wack job?

Storm inside

Its 4 am the storm outside is incredible thunder is amazing energy in the air hard to sleep although it would be hard anyway received a very confusing letter from the court today. The opposing counsel refused mediation I was lead to believe it was a done deal that no one would refuse it.

It convinces me more that they are trying to push this thing out of the way ASAP because they have a lot to lose. I will have to find counsel in the next three months for summery judgment and hide this knowledge from mom to protect her. Realistically it will need to happen quicker then that like in the next week! This is the craziest thing I have ever seen to have so much blatant evidence and get this kind of run around is just absurd.

I don’t know how to do this, how to trust, how to surrender, how to just let it flow and not worry as I start the never ending phone calls again? Deep in my gut I feel it so strong the urgency and righteousness of our fight I have no doubt of negligence bad faith breech of contract etc would be proved if someone would only help us. This is crazy how can this go on how can we be left destitute from the negligence of others fighting for justice only to be turned away from blind eyes and deaf ears?

So much for my naiveté but then I’m not in a “everything will work out in the end” kind of mode anymore wish I were I’ve seen too much “reality” I desire so much to believe it will be ok but only a small part of me does. My spirit has been crushed by the everyday toil of survival thankful for a roof over our heads, thankful for friends, praying we can continue to keep our noses above water just a little longer and not sure how long before the water rises the last inch ~still praying for a miracle.

This is hard!

whining

I bailed early on HC tonight which totally bummed me out rushed to the store to get detergent sorted cloths ~ working on my second load oh what fun! So now the goal is to get all the major stuff done so I can get to bed so I can wake up at an ungodly hour.  Instead of mopping the yucky kitchen floor I sit typing listening to the garden state and wishing I could motivate myself wishing I had not left HC early.

The goal is to only see mom every other day this week and pack as many LSW meetings and dr calls in as I can to prepare for mom’s return home. Praying like crazy it is not premature praying we have all the support in place before next week. Insurance expires for her one month stay on Thanksgiving Day so I will try to find someone to help bring her home Wednesday.

Ok so… I sit frustrated tiered and wishing for hum…. a clean house, folded laundry a good bottle of wine and a hot tub lol ~ I had to add something a little exiting! Well the laundry awaits as does the dishwasher and the trash maybe if I turn the tunes up really loud and jump around a bit I will pump up the adrenalin and at least accomplish one goal for the night.

False expectations

It just dawned on me, the reason I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hope I expected that after 4 months of investigation they must have found a way to help. How can the evil Insurance company, contractors, inspectors and lawyers get by with this it has ruined our lives.

One way not to hurt so much never ever ever ever have expectation or hope then you wont fall so hard But hey every time I hit rock bottom a whole  is blast into the bed rock I have crumbled to and we sore into oblivion again.

I want to hope I want to have good expectations but with a five year laundry list like ours how can you? I should be thankful for what we have thankful for the roof over our heads but now with what is going on with mom that may even disappear soon.

I really am pathetic, and if you are thinking of giving into my self pity party and commenting please reconsider I am well aware of the truth my heart is just too hurt listen right now. We have been beaten too long and I really don’t want to be job and I am far from cool and strong like Palmer and others that deal with life so sweetly when they face unbelievable hardship.

Everyone says have faith God will restore what the locusts has eaten, well that’s true and He has in the past but will He in our lifetime? I am selfish I want my mom back, I want the time stolen from being with our friends who died in the middle of this, I want my business or at least some little dream hoped of along the way, I want our equity in our house or the house to sell at full value and a home of our own. I want too much and have nothing to give in return.

I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith

pathetic me

I’m numb, a few min ago I cried for a few seconds I quickly shut down. I’m tiered who would ever think life could be so hard. I don’ even know why I’m writing I don’t know if I have anything to say. Just want to escape want to turn back the last 5 years wish we had never heard of CDBG for handicapped it is the most evil thing ever. its so hard to think of what we have the losses are so huge. My business our home our belongings our dignity and now the most heart wrenching ~ has my mother lost her mind?

I hurt for her more then I ever thought you could hurt, and then I hurt for me and the lost time of the past five years and wonder if it will ever be redeemed. How can people deal with loosing so very much I know we aren’t alone I just don’t know how others do it? I’m crumbling, actually I have already crumbled big pile of self pity on the floor in a heap of despair - oh what fun I am today.

It could always be worse and it could get worse at least I know no matter what God loves me even if I am pissed at Him for not jumping in here when I want Him too with the big stuff.

blogger glitch

One thing you have to do for a lot of blogs now is type in the word verification so you can prove you're not spam. Could that be the problem?

Posted by Ann to Mutterings at 11/04/2005 09:34:30 AM

I wish that was it, I can’t even do that tried to comment about Oreo on your blog it wouldn’t let me. Apparently my fire wall has blocked me from logging in and posting but I can use the Blogger publish button I installed in Word a while back so until I can figure it out.

We ALL no the spare time I have with driving back and forth 80 + min a day visiting mom hanging out at Dr. appointments dealing with rehab, staff administration and oh wait trying to walk every day and get in bed earlier so I can spend 6- 8 hrs again doing it ALL over again. I am soooooooo tiered ~ sux to be me huh?

I know, I am in rare for today still worried about mom; she seems a little better, still no sign of dementia thankfully but she is way out there at times. They ordered another UTI screen and more blood work. The new Dr said delirium but it has been a month. She is doing very well physically except for not sleeping which is a huge deal ~ they hope a few weeks sleep will help but say the older you are the longer it can take…

Blog Comments

Blog Comments

hi I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate your comments, unfortunately until I get rid of a comp glitch I cannot respond in the comments section so…. in an attempt to be polite to the wonderful anonymous peeps perusing my crazy I will comment here (

I was looking through some blogs and stumbled upon yours. I too had my 20th year reunion last year...it is amazing how the time flies by. God tells us our life is but a vapor...how true it is.

Hi Dale welcome to my blog sorry for not responding sooner this glitch is a bit of a pain not sure how long till I can work it out.

Congrats on your 20th!  time definitely flies ~ most the time I still think I’m only 20. I totally agree life is but a vapor although 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently. It’s amazing how our lives and perspectives change as we age. One minute we think we can conquer the world because we are invincible the next we are awakened to the sweetness and frailty of life.

Feel free to visit any time hope I haven’t scare you off life has been a challenge lately and I find this blog to be a place of vulnerability as well as freedom as I walk through the madness and lean on God. oh and also let friends and strangers find out how really screwed up I am. ;)

I'm glad you were able to get a taste of, what sounds like, true Christianity. It's joyful and real, with its hope set on Jesus. He's the only perfect one and I'll be the first to say I'm not. Many times I'm a big ol hypocrite and I hate that. I hate that people might not choose Jesus because they see me. If you've not given Him a chance before, I'd encourage you--He's pretty life-changing.

Hi Anonymous

Welcome thanks for your comment – I totally, totally agree with you and contrary to the impression I give in some of my posts. I am a Christian who struggling with my own hypocrisy and that of the church. As a white bread chick from the wrong side of the tracks currently living in Middle America (oh how I wish it were middle earth ;) and disillusioned with the main stream church I get, um, let see, how should I put it, a little wordy at times.

The group I was describing in my post is 90% African American I love their passion for God I love the fact that as a culture the African American Christians I know are not ashamed of saying the name of Jesus and letting their joy be seen. Now I know that a lot of other peeps of different races that aren’t ashamed too, but, it seams sometimes that they are few and far between and when some of them say something “all godly sounding” I just want to hurl cause sometimes it just seems SO fake.

I think my post was, as usual, an attempt at kicking myself in the pants ~ trying to work through my own faith. I grew up in a toxic church filled with sour pusses, crack a smile and I was scared the pastor might think I was up to something and call me out then and there. So ya might say I am a bit jaded, oh also being a former youth minister doesn’t help any either that’s were you see all the fun volunteering is so much nicer. (

Ok, as you can see I am still struggling with a few things, guess I want people to see the love of Christ in me I want it too ooze from my pours. I want everyone to know the love of Christ I have welling inside of me so they may desire to know Christ too because it totally changes your life for the better ~ even if we all so have more then a few warts. I don’t want to stuff it in because I’m too damn cool for Christ.

Anyway be blessed Anonymous and Dale welcome to my crazy anytime.

Political Conversion

Political Conversions

Ok, for a lot of you this will be HIGHLY offensive just remember it is satire a little extreme in parts a little too close to reality in parts either way I LOL until I had tears in my eyes.

http://www.thefrown.com/player.php?/frowners/becomerepublican

REAL NIGHTMARE

REAL NIGHTMARE

This is really scary beats most Halloween nightmares now I know the system is far form perfect is this really the way to solve the deficit?

I agree as a government its stupid to spend money it doesn’t have how bout calling in a few IOU’s or cutting hummmmm lets see spending on a WAR IN IRAQ brought about by suspicious non existent Intel!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/food_farm_programs
House Panel OKs School Lunch Funding CutBy LIBBY QUAID, Associated Press Writer Fri Oct 28, 8:22 PM ETWASHINGTON - The House Agriculture Committee approved budget cuts Fridaythat would take food stamps away from an estimated 300,000 people and couldcut off school lunches and breakfasts for 40,000 children.The action came as the government reported that the number of people who arehungry because they can't afford to buy enough food rose to 38.2 million in2004, an increase of 7 million in five years. The number represents nearly12 percent of U.S. households."If there are cuts to be made, why should we make them on food stamps?" saidRep. David Scott (news, bio, voting record), D-Ga. "This is the meanest cutof all." The cuts, approved by the Republican-controlled committee on aparty-line vote, are part of an effort by the House GOP to curb federalspending by $50 billion. The food and agriculture cuts would reduce spendingby $3.7 billion, including $844 million on nutrition, $760 million onconservation and $212 million on payments to farmers."The fact is, our country is going broke," said Rep. John Boehner (news,bio, voting record), R-Ohio. "We're spending money we don't have and passingit onto our kids, and at some point, somebody's got to say, `Enough'senough.' " The $574 million reduction in food stamp spending would affectfamilies who receive food stamps because they receive other non-cashgovernment assistance. The change is estimated to shut up to 300,000 peopleout of the program. The restriction also could take free meals away from anestimated 40,000 school children, because children in many states areautomatically eligible for school meals when they get food stamps, accordingto the Congressional Budget Office. The White House proposed the restrictionearlier this year.The bill would also raise the waiting period for food stamps for legalimmigrants from five to seven years.
Senate GOP leaders are seeking to curb spending by $39 billion, and havebeen more reluctant to cut government benefit programs. The SenateAgriculture Committee spared food stamps in approving a similar budget billlast week and voted for greater reductions in farm payments andconservation.The House committee voted to shave $212 million from direct payments tofarmers, a 1 percent reduction over the next four years. Cuts to commodityprograms totaled $1 billion and include repeal of a federal cotton subsidyto comply with a  World Trade Organization ruling against the program.In a separate action Friday, the House voted 318-63 to approve the finalversion of a $100 billion spending bill for food and farm programs for thebudget year that began Oct. 1. The Senate must approve the measure before itcan go to President Bush for his signature.The bill delays until 2008 a meat labeling law that was to have gone intoeffect last year. Pressure from meatpackers and supermarkets has blocked thelabels, which would tell shoppers what country their meat comes from.The measure also overrides a court ruling on whether products with theround, green "USDA Organic" seal can contain small amounts of non-organicingredients. An appeals court decided earlier this year that non-organicsubstances - things like vitamins or baking powder - are not allowed in foodbearing the seal. But more than 200 companies and trade groups said theycan't make organic yogurt and many other products without the ingredients inquestion, and congressional negotiators agreed. An industry group, theOrganic Trade Association, said the ruling could cost manufacturers $758million annually. Organic food has grown rapidly, from a $1 billion industryin 1990 to an estimated $14.5 billion this year.

Mugs

Mugs

Wednesday night on the way to MEW accountability I found myself at an introduction concert for the campus gospel singers. I have to admit I didn’t want to be there and had not seen this group “perform” in years.

They were amazing well directed great sound enthusiastic and just down right joyful and the soloist just down right rocked! Pretty sure the lights could have been off and we would have seen little lights oozing from the choirs pores.

Ok, forgive the sarcasm

As I watched and listened I was lifted up, it was contagious unfortunately I was a little embarrassed by this because you see I’m just too cool for my own faith sometimes.

I started looking around the room at people some whom I know, there were acquaintances and friends Christian and non Christian, a couple who have no belief system I am aware of, a man I know casually from the hospital - he might be Jewish I think I recall him in a yamaka one Friday night?

The audience all grinned ear to ear clapping their hands some were even dancing when we were asked to stand. It began slowly I couldn’t resist a closed mouth smile then before I new what was happening I was jubilant! I couldn’t stop myself the joy was so contagious the music so compelling I had to feel good I had to LOL I had to clap my hands and let the goodness of it all vibrate into my soul.

By the end of the event we joked with friends and expressed our need to find a gospel church to go to occasionally to get a fun playful joy fix. But then a little inkling a whisper piped into my mind and reminded me that I’m just too cool for that sort of thing. I mean why would I lower myself to expressing joy openly without shame someone might confuse me with the Biblical description of a……….. Christian!

Stupid blog

Stupid blog

Well I really didn’t mean to publish the thing I just wrote; blogger has blocked me apparently a cookie or anti virus issue. So I cannot log in to write or comment on the blog but by some amazing miracle I hit the publish button in Word and there you have it my psycho dribble unedited and pathetic at best with no way to delete the damn thing. It Suxs to be me huh?  Lol, oh well there are worse things in life besides bad poetic writing laced with pathetic thoughts.

I rally hurt for my mom ~ tons of questions spinning in my head… why? Such a hard life deserves a break and God knows I need one or I am one step behind her. God have mercy.

hurting for mom

The moon is full the sky bright the stars gaze back at me as I sit wailing with Sara on the box and sipping Shiraz. The window is open I gaze out in wonder at the beauty of it all the power of creation then worry can anyone hear?

Shadows fall candlelight dancing across the floor, my attempt at solitude, at peace cluttered with reality.

I sing louder wishing I was better, wishing for something never gained. The bleak places of the heart cloud the beauty of the moment as I wonder, why?

My heart drifts to and from the beauty to pain and sadness so deep only the supernatural can sustain me.

To be covered and beauty yet blind as I selfishly crumble I gaze at my existence in wonder and ask what makes a valid life? Trying to make since of those blessed or cursed finding myself in both realities fighting to make since of it all.

As I sit wailing with Sara tears steaming down my face sipping Shiraz and wondering at the beauty of it all but can anyone hear the sadness?

Posting this for a friend

Hey, everyone, I am not a "blogger" and it's not often that I use e-mail as an opinionforum. But as I was watching the hurricane coverage on TV tonight, athought hit me between the eyes.Many people are upset with the government (FEMA, etc.) for failing to actfast enough to help the hurricane victims. Perhaps the criticism isjustified. State, local, and federal officials did not implement aneffective plan for meeting basic, immediate needs--with some really direconsequences. But ordinary people all over this country have pulled together withoutwaiting for the government to step in. Several of us at my church in Ohiospent the midday organizing donations in the back of a U-Haul (thank you,Patty E., for your hard work--it was all worth it!). I saw a similareffort at a gas station down the street. I've heard of people going downto shelters and taking entire families home with them for an indefinitestay. A black church in Biloxi has become a de-facto community center,serving hundreds of meals and hosting relief groups coming in from allover. Where government fell through, churches and other groups have donewhat they've always done--stepped in and met the people's needs withevery resource that God provided to them.I know a day might come that I need the services of the feds. Moreover,it may well be that only the government's pockets are deep enough toprovide assistance for "the great rebuild." But isn't it nice that thegood Lord gave us all a brain, a heart, and two hands to use until thesheriff rides into Dodge? Just a thought. May God bless everyone whohas stepped in to help those whose hands are tied......Elena Stevenson

Responding to Katrina

~Jen~

For fun I thought I would add these pic’s of my beautiful friend Jen ~ she just moved for MN to CT which is still the same driving distance from me which really sux! She had her 20 yr high school reunion so i swiped her pics, *evil wicked Grin* anyway I need to learn how to upload photos so I thought I would torture her with these:)

Jen and I met what seems a lifetime ago, I was a seasonal radio announcer. Translation I was a DJ for a 24 hr Christmas music station! I know it’s scary shush don’t tell anyone k :) she also worked for that station a year or so before. One of the DJ’s kept telling each of us we should meet she was a nanny in CT as I had been before I went into Youth Ministry, she was also a person of faith and according to Jim a hell of a lot of fun and he was sure we would hit it off.

One night while Jim was up to his usual shenanigans trying to get me to screw up on the air, this girl breezed in with a cream coat and bright red hair perhaps not so natural lol. She invited me to a party at her house New Years B-day haven’t a clue her family adopted me and I spent every chance I could with them. The rest is history now 16 or 17 years (gotta count the big numbers:) later she has a fab hubby two beautiful kids one in each flavor and is still an awesome friend and a great encouragement to me.

Katrina

I hurt it’s hard to watch the news to see the suffering I want to help but I have nothing to give? I think of my whining and complaining about insurance and injustice and negligence. How many will be left with so much less then us? How many will not even have a chance to see someone the love again? The devastation is numbing…..

I recognize nature is a powerful force and perhaps Gods design is to allow these things to clean the earth’s surface for new beginnings, none the less it is harsh as a human being to sit by and watch the suffering. Most of us can only pray or send a measly check and hope it actually reaches those in need and not the greedy.

I whine about insurance and contractors and gas and food prices as I sit dry and comfortable in a house provided to us in mercy. I have so much to be thankful for I wish I had more to give…..

Access Rant!

This town so sux if you have a disability helped mom get to church this morning can’t count the number or cars sitting across driveways that she had to maneuver around and cars parked diagonally sticking 2-4 foot out in the street ~ if students don’t know how to drive or park send their cars home!

Most of the grated curbs in town are a mess I had to get her unstuck from an “ADA” ramp and she has 4in clearance with her new ride. I expect problems with trash usually beer cans when student are back, I expect a few buckling sidewalks around overgrown trees.

I suppose I thought Miami’s curbs would be better due to all their endowments for every cause in the universe but no it was almost as bad. The shame is mom could have driven herself and felt more independent and been safer if our society cared to think of something other then their selves.

I have a proposal every person in government including all university big dog’s around the world. Should be requires to spend a week (big gov. need a month!) in a wheelchair using public transportation and sidewalks ~ I give them all less then a day and they would be crying for change.

I wish I could do something, I know its expensive but I also know if a town is not too lazy they can get CDBG grants for ADA needs. So I complain and pray and maybe I will scream a little might make me feel better!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting, Waiting....

Thought I better blog before the “blogger Nazi’s” show up at my door ready for torture :)

Over a week ago we were given an extension and two lawyers are investigating the case. Thanks to Elaine who saved the day by dropping off our file box we hope to hear something soon, um… like we think you have a great case and would LOVE to represent you and your mother!

I’m trying not to be anxious, praying like crazy for peace justice etc. I thought I would be happy about the continuance the fear I battle is that it is just drawing out things and “what if?” - trying not to think of it.

The last couple days have been good; I have started playing internet detective looking for old collage friends for a potential reunion next year. I have talked to almost half the class; don’t be impressed it is a very small school in the mountains and half the class is like 25 people! hehehe

The sucky thing is I have never been good at idle chit chat, I like reality so… although I would love to be all superficial about my life due to its pathetic nature, I find myself spilling….oh well.

The funniest thing about calling everyone has been there reaction to my singleness, apparently (and this will come as a shock to those who know me Now ferrsure! hehehe) People are in shock. I overheard someone whisper on the phone that I was her age and still single in a shocked southern accent. I on the other hand, was trying to be quiet as I lol so hard I had tears in my eyes trying desperately not to let this person know I had overheard her!

Another old friend from my dorm let out what sounded like a whimper of pain when I told her the news! I have also had the following other responses "your time will come" "I’m so sorry, that must be hard for you?" "So are you dating anyone?" yadda, yadda, yadda!

Last but not least the first response I received was one of my favovites ~ cause the guy who said it is too cool.

"CANT BELIVE YOU HAVNT SNAGGED A MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO FALL OFF THE SINGLE BAND WAGON....AFTER SCHOOL. OH WELL, REMEMBER WHAT PAUL SAID, "DONT SEEK A DUDE" ~~~~~~ "THEY JUST MUCK UP YOUR PLANS" ...:)

Gosh ya gotta luvim!

Maybe I was a different person then less jaded by the world I haven't dated as much since moving home compared to my early twenties. I think it is hard for some people to realize single is not a dirty word; I actually enjoy it most of the time and find myself blessed with freedoms my married friends do not have. Although I have many married friends with boat loads of kids that do everything you can think of so maybe it's your philosophy or maybe more realistically it’s how comfortable you and your mate are with your relationship, who knows?

So I am planning a reunion I may not even get to go too, but it is keeping my mind off gutted house stuff so... I do have to start documenting losses again and spread sheets of bills etc for our claim. Then there are the other three lawyers I need to call just in case. I am so not motivated and really don’t want to, it effects me in a not so nice way; its like I'm standing on a grenade and waiting for it to go off.

So I will try to call one lead or go threw one file or maybe take another hour today and play internet detective?

BLOG SPAM!

I am pissed my blogs have been spammed 6 times nothing is sacred anymore I thought SPAM on my fax was annoying enough!

Reprieve?

As I lay in bed praying in the spirit and asking God for mercy I also prayed that if He has no lawyer for us that this thing would just end. During this time the phone rang and the secretary of one of the lawyers I spoke to was relaying that the judge has given us a thirty day continuance on our case, so the two new guys can investigate our case.

We have a reprieve for a while, is it an answer to prayer ~ I hope it’s the answer we want, I don’t believe my prayers are wasted and I don’t believe our God would allow this to happen without purpose.

My prayer

God please have mercy and allow us to rind a lawyer and a resolution to our situation. Thy will be done cause we know your plan is best.