Friday, April 21, 2006
Error
Sometimes I feel as though I have spent the last five years screaming for help and no one listens, I know it’s not true but its how I feel. I came home Monday feeling so relived so free…. it lasted only a short time until I realized I had omitted a key peace of evidence in the brief and because I was so rushed and to make things worse the dear friend who helped me with typos and editing edited out key legal phrases that sound utterly ridiculous to anyone with half a brain who is not familiar with the legal terms.
It’s not like I have been slacking I have been working myself silly I am trying to correct my error and hoping for the courts favor since I am not a lawyer and truth be told did a hell of a job in spite of but….
I sit in pain from fibro that is catching up with me for overdoing it, a migraine headache and nausea praying to not be fearful and to get this done before 4:30 and suck it up when I get slammed by the other side for my incompetence because I will. Wishing I had a family of support to walk through this with me mad at my bro for not helping out more with mom etc. wishing I were stronger and praying I am there for everyone I love who is in need at least half as much as everyone has been there for me.
I thought this was my week of freedom that after Monday it would be in the hands of God and court and it is except for the fact that now I must wait again I know I m not learning the lessons I just don’t know how. Life happens and we are blessed more then most but bad things occur everyday all my life it seems for every good thing there are double or triple yucky things.
“Things” really don’t matter but don’t mess with my mom she has endured enough loss in her lifetime if I tallied right our losses are over 300K but it could be more or less I’m not sure if I am adding right it really stinks, then there are business losses of close to 100k in funds not to mention the other stuff. I keep telling myself it just money just things but apparently I don’t believe it especially when I look at how my mom has struggled.
I am not a very gracious person I am not strong I have no dignity all I have is confusion and hurt. I wish I could be a noble person who graciously deals with life and loss better but I am where I am and I don’t like it.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
VENTING!
Ok just a couple days to go and I am jumping out of my skin although I should say I am stuck in cement with this whole thing. Then today I discover the master cylinder is toast on my car and we have a leak outside the house and need a plumber just when I was getting on a roll on the case with sorting out the facts I get the word the stupid pipes in the laundry room have spring a leak. I AM SO STINKIN TIERED OF ALL THIS CRAP> oh and I am leaving about a TON of stuff!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Those who go before us.
I wrote this yesterday
Mark Palmer died this morning, it seems surreal we hoped we prayed we fasted we hoped and prayed more It was not to be, I have questions that may never be answered in this earthly dwelling. I have come to terms with the fact that that is ok.
I only met Mark once I liked him right away from his intense passion for God and those he cared for at The Landing Place to his Celtic cross tattoo and the spiritual quest and revelation that went with it. I have followed his journey on his blog his wife Jennifer’s diagnosis with cancer his eternal perspectives and unending hope and faith for this world and the next.
When Jennifer died I asked why? I think she was only 26 her son Micah just a toddler we never met but I felt her passing as though I had experienced the death of a friend. I could not understand why someone so young with clearly so much to give would pass so quickly to leaving behind the two earthly loves of her life.
When I read that Amy and Mark were getting married I cried and thought this is how it should be a friend to both Jennifer and Mark who adored Micah. When the news came shortly there after of his diagnosis with cancer I cried out to God tiered of the sickness in a fallen world filled with disease chemicals and destruction. Tiered of watching the suffering and asked why again why Palmer, hasn’t this one so young endured enough?
Today I sit staring at this screen tears stuck in my throat that refuse to be forced out and free me from the binding. Like so many others including Palmer I held out hope for restoration through miracles of God and science.
I am grieving for sweet little Micah and Amy and the whole community I cannot imagine their pain of having to let go I see the strength and resilience of Amy and know that God gave her to Palmer and Micah as a gift ~ few are brave enough to endure so much with such faith grace and dignity.
I read this on a comment to Amy on Palmers blog a quote from a talk Palmer gave that impacted the life of one briefly yet eternally brushed by the presence of a humble traveler after Jenifer's passing
"I have questions. I want to know why. But, I know where to find the answers. I know who has the answers. So, if I know that why would I run away from Him? I want to be as close to Him as I can."
Palmer was so focused on good and hope and eternal perspectives his story of faith has touched my life like no other.
http://palmerlp.livejournal.com/
Mark Palmer died this morning, it seems surreal we hoped we prayed we fasted we hoped and prayed more It was not to be, I have questions that may never be answered in this earthly dwelling. I have come to terms with the fact that that is ok.
I only met Mark once I liked him right away from his intense passion for God and those he cared for at The Landing Place to his Celtic cross tattoo and the spiritual quest and revelation that went with it. I have followed his journey on his blog his wife Jennifer’s diagnosis with cancer his eternal perspectives and unending hope and faith for this world and the next.
When Jennifer died I asked why? I think she was only 26 her son Micah just a toddler we never met but I felt her passing as though I had experienced the death of a friend. I could not understand why someone so young with clearly so much to give would pass so quickly to leaving behind the two earthly loves of her life.
When I read that Amy and Mark were getting married I cried and thought this is how it should be a friend to both Jennifer and Mark who adored Micah. When the news came shortly there after of his diagnosis with cancer I cried out to God tiered of the sickness in a fallen world filled with disease chemicals and destruction. Tiered of watching the suffering and asked why again why Palmer, hasn’t this one so young endured enough?
Today I sit staring at this screen tears stuck in my throat that refuse to be forced out and free me from the binding. Like so many others including Palmer I held out hope for restoration through miracles of God and science.
I am grieving for sweet little Micah and Amy and the whole community I cannot imagine their pain of having to let go I see the strength and resilience of Amy and know that God gave her to Palmer and Micah as a gift ~ few are brave enough to endure so much with such faith grace and dignity.
I read this on a comment to Amy on Palmers blog a quote from a talk Palmer gave that impacted the life of one briefly yet eternally brushed by the presence of a humble traveler after Jenifer's passing
"I have questions. I want to know why. But, I know where to find the answers. I know who has the answers. So, if I know that why would I run away from Him? I want to be as close to Him as I can."
Palmer was so focused on good and hope and eternal perspectives his story of faith has touched my life like no other.
http://palmerlp.livejournal.com/
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Inkling of Hope
I hardly ever take the time to blog anymore due to constant computer issues with the blogger server but I thought I would give it a shot as I am bursting with thoughts that need to be written so I will start with an update I sent to our church families, more will follow as my mind and heart is filled with truths things I ignore and or refuse to accept.
Dear Friends,
I want to give you an update to let you know how God is answering our prayers, this is a little long a bit like a “testimony” I suppose, but I hope you will be patient with me and take the time to read it, I pray it will excite you and encourage you in your faith! :)
Several weeks ago at my More Excellent Way accountability group, we prayed for our situation we prayed for some tough stuff, like releasing the property to the Lord we prayed over the file of legal papers etc. We prayed God would give me (us) wisdom and help me to know what to do etc.
That night I woke up many times and prayed I felt the Lord said I should embrace the responsibility before me of representing myself and to trust Him. I came to terms with this spiritually and asked him to give me the physical and emotional strength necessary. I also asked Him to raise up help for me and a lawyer if it be His will down the road.
The very next day a friend of mine (Shana) called to say she couldn’t stop thinking of us and our situation and asked me to hang out with her and bring with me the legal file box on Sunday so she could help me with a strategy. After three or four hours we had a plan I still didn’t feel I had a real grip on things but faithfully plodded along trying to sort things out and continue to do so.
Two weeks ago a friend invited me to a prayer group that has been meeting in Hamilton for 40 years. It was so wonderful these ladies take prayer very seriously ~ they are tough cookies I'm pretty sure the enemy hides on Wednesday in downtown Hamilton from 10 am till 4 pm! :) This group graciously anointed me with oil and spent much of their time praying over me for our situation, God imparted to them wisdom and discernment as they fervently walked me through prayer and deliverance.
At that meeting I met a man named Tim he rarely gets a chance to come to the prayer group but just "happened" to be there after many months. This is fun because when I was asked to go to this meeting I said I wasn’t sure until Holy Spirit urged me to go and I felt strongly I needed to be there.
Tim is a director of construction for a firm in Cincinnati; he asked me if he could visit with mom and me so he could look over our situation more closely in the next couple of days. He thought he might be able to help sort out our insurance policy and or use his connections to get us answers so we would know what to do next.
This man believes part of the call on his life is to get things done through prayer support and providing practical helps as he fires the body of Christ up and into action according to the scripture in order to help widows, orphans, those who have been wronged, have needs etc. Tim is a busy business man so I did not hear back from him and just figured God had closed another door.
Over the past month Bill has been organizing my wonderful cinti friends to come and have work days to help document our losses another daunting task, the work days have been a huge answer to prayer. During this time Jeff and Bill felt lead by the Holy Spirit to go and pray over our property and ask God to remove hindrances and or curses that may be standing in our way of our freedom over our current situation.
So along with me and our dear friend Elaine we prayed and walked the property seeking wisdom from the Lord and taking back the land with the biblical authority given to us. We prayed Gods abundant blessings be poured out over our family and property and that the Lord would use the land and our situation for His will and purposes.
A few days later my brother went to pick up something on the property and discovered we had been robbed of fuel oil and vandalized so I had to fill out a police report etc. I found myself falling back into frustration, feeling helpless to protect our property and walk out of the mess we are in.
Over the next two weeks I was stonewalled by the insurance company, opposing counsel, and everyone in between we were getting pretty dragged down again. My mother’s battle with insomnia has been increasing with the stress and her faith has been challenged. In addition to her struggles I have just been losing it as I am continually overwhelmed and exhausted all the responsibilities are left to me since we do not have a lawyer, advisors etc. the responsibilities are daunting.
On Thursday I prayed God would continue to bring provision and help us pay our bills that day my mother showed me a beautiful and encouraging card with an anonymous check with just enough money to keep our utilities on again this month! God knows exactly what we need and when we need it we are humbled, blessed, and overwhelmed by Gods blessings and mercy through the body of Christ. So, anonymous friend (or friends) thank you for the bottom of our hearts ~ we are blessed beyond measure.
On Friday I cried out to the Lord for Him to deliver and save us from our situation over and over throughout the day I cried to the Lord and he placed in my heart that everything would be okay that I needed to rest and be at peace.
Before the end of the day I received a call from Tim who asked if he could visit with mom and me the next morning and take a look at our property in the country. At first Tim thought the Lord had sent him to us to help with the paper work as the morning wore on the Lord spoke to his heart and asked him to help us protect our home and property as it is a viable asset for us and it was not being stewarded well since our focus has been on daily survival.
Tim asked me to get as many strong bodies I could to make a commitment to a days work and promised to have a dumpster delivered this week. Two hours later he called to ask my permission to go onto the property to begin clean up the next day.
I called him late Sunday morning and learned he had been working by himself since 7:30 am when I arrived to help at noon I was flabbergasted at all he had accomplished. Tim believes Saturday we could finish the job with a few volunteers by early afternoon if not sooner!
We are so grateful for Gods provision and leadership it has pained us the last three years to watch the property fall further and further into disrepair and feel helpless to care for it. This is the first step; we will take things as the Lord leads. We do not know what this means for us if we will sell it, rent it, move back etc, so it’s best not to ask ;). God holds our future and the future of the property He has entrusted us with in His hands. We are incredibly thankful for His provision and after three years you can imagine our excitement.
We appreciate your continued prayer for God’s Will to be done, we are trying very hard not to pray our will but instead ask the Lord to lead us and direct us as He desires.
Love & Blessings to you all
Dear Friends,
I want to give you an update to let you know how God is answering our prayers, this is a little long a bit like a “testimony” I suppose, but I hope you will be patient with me and take the time to read it, I pray it will excite you and encourage you in your faith! :)
Several weeks ago at my More Excellent Way accountability group, we prayed for our situation we prayed for some tough stuff, like releasing the property to the Lord we prayed over the file of legal papers etc. We prayed God would give me (us) wisdom and help me to know what to do etc.
That night I woke up many times and prayed I felt the Lord said I should embrace the responsibility before me of representing myself and to trust Him. I came to terms with this spiritually and asked him to give me the physical and emotional strength necessary. I also asked Him to raise up help for me and a lawyer if it be His will down the road.
The very next day a friend of mine (Shana) called to say she couldn’t stop thinking of us and our situation and asked me to hang out with her and bring with me the legal file box on Sunday so she could help me with a strategy. After three or four hours we had a plan I still didn’t feel I had a real grip on things but faithfully plodded along trying to sort things out and continue to do so.
Two weeks ago a friend invited me to a prayer group that has been meeting in Hamilton for 40 years. It was so wonderful these ladies take prayer very seriously ~ they are tough cookies I'm pretty sure the enemy hides on Wednesday in downtown Hamilton from 10 am till 4 pm! :) This group graciously anointed me with oil and spent much of their time praying over me for our situation, God imparted to them wisdom and discernment as they fervently walked me through prayer and deliverance.
At that meeting I met a man named Tim he rarely gets a chance to come to the prayer group but just "happened" to be there after many months. This is fun because when I was asked to go to this meeting I said I wasn’t sure until Holy Spirit urged me to go and I felt strongly I needed to be there.
Tim is a director of construction for a firm in Cincinnati; he asked me if he could visit with mom and me so he could look over our situation more closely in the next couple of days. He thought he might be able to help sort out our insurance policy and or use his connections to get us answers so we would know what to do next.
This man believes part of the call on his life is to get things done through prayer support and providing practical helps as he fires the body of Christ up and into action according to the scripture in order to help widows, orphans, those who have been wronged, have needs etc. Tim is a busy business man so I did not hear back from him and just figured God had closed another door.
Over the past month Bill has been organizing my wonderful cinti friends to come and have work days to help document our losses another daunting task, the work days have been a huge answer to prayer. During this time Jeff and Bill felt lead by the Holy Spirit to go and pray over our property and ask God to remove hindrances and or curses that may be standing in our way of our freedom over our current situation.
So along with me and our dear friend Elaine we prayed and walked the property seeking wisdom from the Lord and taking back the land with the biblical authority given to us. We prayed Gods abundant blessings be poured out over our family and property and that the Lord would use the land and our situation for His will and purposes.
A few days later my brother went to pick up something on the property and discovered we had been robbed of fuel oil and vandalized so I had to fill out a police report etc. I found myself falling back into frustration, feeling helpless to protect our property and walk out of the mess we are in.
Over the next two weeks I was stonewalled by the insurance company, opposing counsel, and everyone in between we were getting pretty dragged down again. My mother’s battle with insomnia has been increasing with the stress and her faith has been challenged. In addition to her struggles I have just been losing it as I am continually overwhelmed and exhausted all the responsibilities are left to me since we do not have a lawyer, advisors etc. the responsibilities are daunting.
On Thursday I prayed God would continue to bring provision and help us pay our bills that day my mother showed me a beautiful and encouraging card with an anonymous check with just enough money to keep our utilities on again this month! God knows exactly what we need and when we need it we are humbled, blessed, and overwhelmed by Gods blessings and mercy through the body of Christ. So, anonymous friend (or friends) thank you for the bottom of our hearts ~ we are blessed beyond measure.
On Friday I cried out to the Lord for Him to deliver and save us from our situation over and over throughout the day I cried to the Lord and he placed in my heart that everything would be okay that I needed to rest and be at peace.
Before the end of the day I received a call from Tim who asked if he could visit with mom and me the next morning and take a look at our property in the country. At first Tim thought the Lord had sent him to us to help with the paper work as the morning wore on the Lord spoke to his heart and asked him to help us protect our home and property as it is a viable asset for us and it was not being stewarded well since our focus has been on daily survival.
Tim asked me to get as many strong bodies I could to make a commitment to a days work and promised to have a dumpster delivered this week. Two hours later he called to ask my permission to go onto the property to begin clean up the next day.
I called him late Sunday morning and learned he had been working by himself since 7:30 am when I arrived to help at noon I was flabbergasted at all he had accomplished. Tim believes Saturday we could finish the job with a few volunteers by early afternoon if not sooner!
We are so grateful for Gods provision and leadership it has pained us the last three years to watch the property fall further and further into disrepair and feel helpless to care for it. This is the first step; we will take things as the Lord leads. We do not know what this means for us if we will sell it, rent it, move back etc, so it’s best not to ask ;). God holds our future and the future of the property He has entrusted us with in His hands. We are incredibly thankful for His provision and after three years you can imagine our excitement.
We appreciate your continued prayer for God’s Will to be done, we are trying very hard not to pray our will but instead ask the Lord to lead us and direct us as He desires.
Love & Blessings to you all
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Commenting funky again....
Em
Thank you or the encouragement and the prayers good to see you Friday wish I could have hung out more I had a wicked headache. Ricardo and Marilyn’s Hot Tub has spoiled me I dream of one outside my back door with plenty of room for friends! I have decided to name the sofa mount laundry and pretend the hair on the floor from kitty friends is a new decorating idea! (
Amanda,
Hey hope your well we need to try to start walking again on Mondays hopefully things will settle down with my mom soon. Thank you for prayers and for believing I’m not crazy ~ although I would challenge that with I Sure Feel Stinkin Crazy! Stress sucks, hard to think clearly with the entire chaos guess it’s easy just to write yourself off as a total wack job?
Thank you or the encouragement and the prayers good to see you Friday wish I could have hung out more I had a wicked headache. Ricardo and Marilyn’s Hot Tub has spoiled me I dream of one outside my back door with plenty of room for friends! I have decided to name the sofa mount laundry and pretend the hair on the floor from kitty friends is a new decorating idea! (
Amanda,
Hey hope your well we need to try to start walking again on Mondays hopefully things will settle down with my mom soon. Thank you for prayers and for believing I’m not crazy ~ although I would challenge that with I Sure Feel Stinkin Crazy! Stress sucks, hard to think clearly with the entire chaos guess it’s easy just to write yourself off as a total wack job?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Storm inside
Its 4 am the storm outside is incredible thunder is amazing energy in the air hard to sleep although it would be hard anyway received a very confusing letter from the court today. The opposing counsel refused mediation I was lead to believe it was a done deal that no one would refuse it.
It convinces me more that they are trying to push this thing out of the way ASAP because they have a lot to lose. I will have to find counsel in the next three months for summery judgment and hide this knowledge from mom to protect her. Realistically it will need to happen quicker then that like in the next week! This is the craziest thing I have ever seen to have so much blatant evidence and get this kind of run around is just absurd.
I don’t know how to do this, how to trust, how to surrender, how to just let it flow and not worry as I start the never ending phone calls again? Deep in my gut I feel it so strong the urgency and righteousness of our fight I have no doubt of negligence bad faith breech of contract etc would be proved if someone would only help us. This is crazy how can this go on how can we be left destitute from the negligence of others fighting for justice only to be turned away from blind eyes and deaf ears?
So much for my naiveté but then I’m not in a “everything will work out in the end” kind of mode anymore wish I were I’ve seen too much “reality” I desire so much to believe it will be ok but only a small part of me does. My spirit has been crushed by the everyday toil of survival thankful for a roof over our heads, thankful for friends, praying we can continue to keep our noses above water just a little longer and not sure how long before the water rises the last inch ~still praying for a miracle.
This is hard!
It convinces me more that they are trying to push this thing out of the way ASAP because they have a lot to lose. I will have to find counsel in the next three months for summery judgment and hide this knowledge from mom to protect her. Realistically it will need to happen quicker then that like in the next week! This is the craziest thing I have ever seen to have so much blatant evidence and get this kind of run around is just absurd.
I don’t know how to do this, how to trust, how to surrender, how to just let it flow and not worry as I start the never ending phone calls again? Deep in my gut I feel it so strong the urgency and righteousness of our fight I have no doubt of negligence bad faith breech of contract etc would be proved if someone would only help us. This is crazy how can this go on how can we be left destitute from the negligence of others fighting for justice only to be turned away from blind eyes and deaf ears?
So much for my naiveté but then I’m not in a “everything will work out in the end” kind of mode anymore wish I were I’ve seen too much “reality” I desire so much to believe it will be ok but only a small part of me does. My spirit has been crushed by the everyday toil of survival thankful for a roof over our heads, thankful for friends, praying we can continue to keep our noses above water just a little longer and not sure how long before the water rises the last inch ~still praying for a miracle.
This is hard!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
whining
I bailed early on HC tonight which totally bummed me out rushed to the store to get detergent sorted cloths ~ working on my second load oh what fun! So now the goal is to get all the major stuff done so I can get to bed so I can wake up at an ungodly hour. Instead of mopping the yucky kitchen floor I sit typing listening to the garden state and wishing I could motivate myself wishing I had not left HC early.
The goal is to only see mom every other day this week and pack as many LSW meetings and dr calls in as I can to prepare for mom’s return home. Praying like crazy it is not premature praying we have all the support in place before next week. Insurance expires for her one month stay on Thanksgiving Day so I will try to find someone to help bring her home Wednesday.
Ok so… I sit frustrated tiered and wishing for hum…. a clean house, folded laundry a good bottle of wine and a hot tub lol ~ I had to add something a little exiting! Well the laundry awaits as does the dishwasher and the trash maybe if I turn the tunes up really loud and jump around a bit I will pump up the adrenalin and at least accomplish one goal for the night.
The goal is to only see mom every other day this week and pack as many LSW meetings and dr calls in as I can to prepare for mom’s return home. Praying like crazy it is not premature praying we have all the support in place before next week. Insurance expires for her one month stay on Thanksgiving Day so I will try to find someone to help bring her home Wednesday.
Ok so… I sit frustrated tiered and wishing for hum…. a clean house, folded laundry a good bottle of wine and a hot tub lol ~ I had to add something a little exiting! Well the laundry awaits as does the dishwasher and the trash maybe if I turn the tunes up really loud and jump around a bit I will pump up the adrenalin and at least accomplish one goal for the night.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
False expectations
It just dawned on me, the reason I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hope I expected that after 4 months of investigation they must have found a way to help. How can the evil Insurance company, contractors, inspectors and lawyers get by with this it has ruined our lives.
One way not to hurt so much never ever ever ever have expectation or hope then you wont fall so hard But hey every time I hit rock bottom a whole is blast into the bed rock I have crumbled to and we sore into oblivion again.
I want to hope I want to have good expectations but with a five year laundry list like ours how can you? I should be thankful for what we have thankful for the roof over our heads but now with what is going on with mom that may even disappear soon.
I really am pathetic, and if you are thinking of giving into my self pity party and commenting please reconsider I am well aware of the truth my heart is just too hurt listen right now. We have been beaten too long and I really don’t want to be job and I am far from cool and strong like Palmer and others that deal with life so sweetly when they face unbelievable hardship.
Everyone says have faith God will restore what the locusts has eaten, well that’s true and He has in the past but will He in our lifetime? I am selfish I want my mom back, I want the time stolen from being with our friends who died in the middle of this, I want my business or at least some little dream hoped of along the way, I want our equity in our house or the house to sell at full value and a home of our own. I want too much and have nothing to give in return.
I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith
One way not to hurt so much never ever ever ever have expectation or hope then you wont fall so hard But hey every time I hit rock bottom a whole is blast into the bed rock I have crumbled to and we sore into oblivion again.
I want to hope I want to have good expectations but with a five year laundry list like ours how can you? I should be thankful for what we have thankful for the roof over our heads but now with what is going on with mom that may even disappear soon.
I really am pathetic, and if you are thinking of giving into my self pity party and commenting please reconsider I am well aware of the truth my heart is just too hurt listen right now. We have been beaten too long and I really don’t want to be job and I am far from cool and strong like Palmer and others that deal with life so sweetly when they face unbelievable hardship.
Everyone says have faith God will restore what the locusts has eaten, well that’s true and He has in the past but will He in our lifetime? I am selfish I want my mom back, I want the time stolen from being with our friends who died in the middle of this, I want my business or at least some little dream hoped of along the way, I want our equity in our house or the house to sell at full value and a home of our own. I want too much and have nothing to give in return.
I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith
Friday, November 04, 2005
pathetic me
I’m numb, a few min ago I cried for a few seconds I quickly shut down. I’m tiered who would ever think life could be so hard. I don’ even know why I’m writing I don’t know if I have anything to say. Just want to escape want to turn back the last 5 years wish we had never heard of CDBG for handicapped it is the most evil thing ever. its so hard to think of what we have the losses are so huge. My business our home our belongings our dignity and now the most heart wrenching ~ has my mother lost her mind?
I hurt for her more then I ever thought you could hurt, and then I hurt for me and the lost time of the past five years and wonder if it will ever be redeemed. How can people deal with loosing so very much I know we aren’t alone I just don’t know how others do it? I’m crumbling, actually I have already crumbled big pile of self pity on the floor in a heap of despair - oh what fun I am today.
It could always be worse and it could get worse at least I know no matter what God loves me even if I am pissed at Him for not jumping in here when I want Him too with the big stuff.
I hurt for her more then I ever thought you could hurt, and then I hurt for me and the lost time of the past five years and wonder if it will ever be redeemed. How can people deal with loosing so very much I know we aren’t alone I just don’t know how others do it? I’m crumbling, actually I have already crumbled big pile of self pity on the floor in a heap of despair - oh what fun I am today.
It could always be worse and it could get worse at least I know no matter what God loves me even if I am pissed at Him for not jumping in here when I want Him too with the big stuff.
blogger glitch
One thing you have to do for a lot of blogs now is type in the word verification so you can prove you're not spam. Could that be the problem?
Posted by Ann to Mutterings at 11/04/2005 09:34:30 AM
I wish that was it, I can’t even do that tried to comment about Oreo on your blog it wouldn’t let me. Apparently my fire wall has blocked me from logging in and posting but I can use the Blogger publish button I installed in Word a while back so until I can figure it out.
We ALL no the spare time I have with driving back and forth 80 + min a day visiting mom hanging out at Dr. appointments dealing with rehab, staff administration and oh wait trying to walk every day and get in bed earlier so I can spend 6- 8 hrs again doing it ALL over again. I am soooooooo tiered ~ sux to be me huh?
I know, I am in rare for today still worried about mom; she seems a little better, still no sign of dementia thankfully but she is way out there at times. They ordered another UTI screen and more blood work. The new Dr said delirium but it has been a month. She is doing very well physically except for not sleeping which is a huge deal ~ they hope a few weeks sleep will help but say the older you are the longer it can take…
Posted by Ann to Mutterings at 11/04/2005 09:34:30 AM
I wish that was it, I can’t even do that tried to comment about Oreo on your blog it wouldn’t let me. Apparently my fire wall has blocked me from logging in and posting but I can use the Blogger publish button I installed in Word a while back so until I can figure it out.
We ALL no the spare time I have with driving back and forth 80 + min a day visiting mom hanging out at Dr. appointments dealing with rehab, staff administration and oh wait trying to walk every day and get in bed earlier so I can spend 6- 8 hrs again doing it ALL over again. I am soooooooo tiered ~ sux to be me huh?
I know, I am in rare for today still worried about mom; she seems a little better, still no sign of dementia thankfully but she is way out there at times. They ordered another UTI screen and more blood work. The new Dr said delirium but it has been a month. She is doing very well physically except for not sleeping which is a huge deal ~ they hope a few weeks sleep will help but say the older you are the longer it can take…
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Blog Comments
Blog Comments
hi I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate your comments, unfortunately until I get rid of a comp glitch I cannot respond in the comments section so…. in an attempt to be polite to the wonderful anonymous peeps perusing my crazy I will comment here (
I was looking through some blogs and stumbled upon yours. I too had my 20th year reunion last year...it is amazing how the time flies by. God tells us our life is but a vapor...how true it is.
Hi Dale welcome to my blog sorry for not responding sooner this glitch is a bit of a pain not sure how long till I can work it out.
Congrats on your 20th! time definitely flies ~ most the time I still think I’m only 20. I totally agree life is but a vapor although 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently. It’s amazing how our lives and perspectives change as we age. One minute we think we can conquer the world because we are invincible the next we are awakened to the sweetness and frailty of life.
Feel free to visit any time hope I haven’t scare you off life has been a challenge lately and I find this blog to be a place of vulnerability as well as freedom as I walk through the madness and lean on God. oh and also let friends and strangers find out how really screwed up I am. ;)
I'm glad you were able to get a taste of, what sounds like, true Christianity. It's joyful and real, with its hope set on Jesus. He's the only perfect one and I'll be the first to say I'm not. Many times I'm a big ol hypocrite and I hate that. I hate that people might not choose Jesus because they see me. If you've not given Him a chance before, I'd encourage you--He's pretty life-changing.
Hi Anonymous
Welcome thanks for your comment – I totally, totally agree with you and contrary to the impression I give in some of my posts. I am a Christian who struggling with my own hypocrisy and that of the church. As a white bread chick from the wrong side of the tracks currently living in Middle America (oh how I wish it were middle earth ;) and disillusioned with the main stream church I get, um, let see, how should I put it, a little wordy at times.
The group I was describing in my post is 90% African American I love their passion for God I love the fact that as a culture the African American Christians I know are not ashamed of saying the name of Jesus and letting their joy be seen. Now I know that a lot of other peeps of different races that aren’t ashamed too, but, it seams sometimes that they are few and far between and when some of them say something “all godly sounding” I just want to hurl cause sometimes it just seems SO fake.
I think my post was, as usual, an attempt at kicking myself in the pants ~ trying to work through my own faith. I grew up in a toxic church filled with sour pusses, crack a smile and I was scared the pastor might think I was up to something and call me out then and there. So ya might say I am a bit jaded, oh also being a former youth minister doesn’t help any either that’s were you see all the fun volunteering is so much nicer. (
Ok, as you can see I am still struggling with a few things, guess I want people to see the love of Christ in me I want it too ooze from my pours. I want everyone to know the love of Christ I have welling inside of me so they may desire to know Christ too because it totally changes your life for the better ~ even if we all so have more then a few warts. I don’t want to stuff it in because I’m too damn cool for Christ.
Anyway be blessed Anonymous and Dale welcome to my crazy anytime.
hi I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate your comments, unfortunately until I get rid of a comp glitch I cannot respond in the comments section so…. in an attempt to be polite to the wonderful anonymous peeps perusing my crazy I will comment here (
I was looking through some blogs and stumbled upon yours. I too had my 20th year reunion last year...it is amazing how the time flies by. God tells us our life is but a vapor...how true it is.
Hi Dale welcome to my blog sorry for not responding sooner this glitch is a bit of a pain not sure how long till I can work it out.
Congrats on your 20th! time definitely flies ~ most the time I still think I’m only 20. I totally agree life is but a vapor although 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently. It’s amazing how our lives and perspectives change as we age. One minute we think we can conquer the world because we are invincible the next we are awakened to the sweetness and frailty of life.
Feel free to visit any time hope I haven’t scare you off life has been a challenge lately and I find this blog to be a place of vulnerability as well as freedom as I walk through the madness and lean on God. oh and also let friends and strangers find out how really screwed up I am. ;)
I'm glad you were able to get a taste of, what sounds like, true Christianity. It's joyful and real, with its hope set on Jesus. He's the only perfect one and I'll be the first to say I'm not. Many times I'm a big ol hypocrite and I hate that. I hate that people might not choose Jesus because they see me. If you've not given Him a chance before, I'd encourage you--He's pretty life-changing.
Hi Anonymous
Welcome thanks for your comment – I totally, totally agree with you and contrary to the impression I give in some of my posts. I am a Christian who struggling with my own hypocrisy and that of the church. As a white bread chick from the wrong side of the tracks currently living in Middle America (oh how I wish it were middle earth ;) and disillusioned with the main stream church I get, um, let see, how should I put it, a little wordy at times.
The group I was describing in my post is 90% African American I love their passion for God I love the fact that as a culture the African American Christians I know are not ashamed of saying the name of Jesus and letting their joy be seen. Now I know that a lot of other peeps of different races that aren’t ashamed too, but, it seams sometimes that they are few and far between and when some of them say something “all godly sounding” I just want to hurl cause sometimes it just seems SO fake.
I think my post was, as usual, an attempt at kicking myself in the pants ~ trying to work through my own faith. I grew up in a toxic church filled with sour pusses, crack a smile and I was scared the pastor might think I was up to something and call me out then and there. So ya might say I am a bit jaded, oh also being a former youth minister doesn’t help any either that’s were you see all the fun volunteering is so much nicer. (
Ok, as you can see I am still struggling with a few things, guess I want people to see the love of Christ in me I want it too ooze from my pours. I want everyone to know the love of Christ I have welling inside of me so they may desire to know Christ too because it totally changes your life for the better ~ even if we all so have more then a few warts. I don’t want to stuff it in because I’m too damn cool for Christ.
Anyway be blessed Anonymous and Dale welcome to my crazy anytime.
Political Conversion
Political Conversions
Ok, for a lot of you this will be HIGHLY offensive just remember it is satire a little extreme in parts a little too close to reality in parts either way I LOL until I had tears in my eyes.
http://www.thefrown.com/player.php?/frowners/becomerepublican
Monday, October 31, 2005
REAL NIGHTMARE
REAL NIGHTMARE
This is really scary beats most Halloween nightmares now I know the system is far form perfect is this really the way to solve the deficit?
I agree as a government its stupid to spend money it doesn’t have how bout calling in a few IOU’s or cutting hummmmm lets see spending on a WAR IN IRAQ brought about by suspicious non existent Intel!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/food_farm_programs
House Panel OKs School Lunch Funding CutBy LIBBY QUAID, Associated Press Writer Fri Oct 28, 8:22 PM ETWASHINGTON - The House Agriculture Committee approved budget cuts Fridaythat would take food stamps away from an estimated 300,000 people and couldcut off school lunches and breakfasts for 40,000 children.The action came as the government reported that the number of people who arehungry because they can't afford to buy enough food rose to 38.2 million in2004, an increase of 7 million in five years. The number represents nearly12 percent of U.S. households."If there are cuts to be made, why should we make them on food stamps?" saidRep. David Scott (news, bio, voting record), D-Ga. "This is the meanest cutof all." The cuts, approved by the Republican-controlled committee on aparty-line vote, are part of an effort by the House GOP to curb federalspending by $50 billion. The food and agriculture cuts would reduce spendingby $3.7 billion, including $844 million on nutrition, $760 million onconservation and $212 million on payments to farmers."The fact is, our country is going broke," said Rep. John Boehner (news,bio, voting record), R-Ohio. "We're spending money we don't have and passingit onto our kids, and at some point, somebody's got to say, `Enough'senough.' " The $574 million reduction in food stamp spending would affectfamilies who receive food stamps because they receive other non-cashgovernment assistance. The change is estimated to shut up to 300,000 peopleout of the program. The restriction also could take free meals away from anestimated 40,000 school children, because children in many states areautomatically eligible for school meals when they get food stamps, accordingto the Congressional Budget Office. The White House proposed the restrictionearlier this year.The bill would also raise the waiting period for food stamps for legalimmigrants from five to seven years.
Senate GOP leaders are seeking to curb spending by $39 billion, and havebeen more reluctant to cut government benefit programs. The SenateAgriculture Committee spared food stamps in approving a similar budget billlast week and voted for greater reductions in farm payments andconservation.The House committee voted to shave $212 million from direct payments tofarmers, a 1 percent reduction over the next four years. Cuts to commodityprograms totaled $1 billion and include repeal of a federal cotton subsidyto comply with a World Trade Organization ruling against the program.In a separate action Friday, the House voted 318-63 to approve the finalversion of a $100 billion spending bill for food and farm programs for thebudget year that began Oct. 1. The Senate must approve the measure before itcan go to President Bush for his signature.The bill delays until 2008 a meat labeling law that was to have gone intoeffect last year. Pressure from meatpackers and supermarkets has blocked thelabels, which would tell shoppers what country their meat comes from.The measure also overrides a court ruling on whether products with theround, green "USDA Organic" seal can contain small amounts of non-organicingredients. An appeals court decided earlier this year that non-organicsubstances - things like vitamins or baking powder - are not allowed in foodbearing the seal. But more than 200 companies and trade groups said theycan't make organic yogurt and many other products without the ingredients inquestion, and congressional negotiators agreed. An industry group, theOrganic Trade Association, said the ruling could cost manufacturers $758million annually. Organic food has grown rapidly, from a $1 billion industryin 1990 to an estimated $14.5 billion this year.
This is really scary beats most Halloween nightmares now I know the system is far form perfect is this really the way to solve the deficit?
I agree as a government its stupid to spend money it doesn’t have how bout calling in a few IOU’s or cutting hummmmm lets see spending on a WAR IN IRAQ brought about by suspicious non existent Intel!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/food_farm_programs
House Panel OKs School Lunch Funding CutBy LIBBY QUAID, Associated Press Writer Fri Oct 28, 8:22 PM ETWASHINGTON - The House Agriculture Committee approved budget cuts Fridaythat would take food stamps away from an estimated 300,000 people and couldcut off school lunches and breakfasts for 40,000 children.The action came as the government reported that the number of people who arehungry because they can't afford to buy enough food rose to 38.2 million in2004, an increase of 7 million in five years. The number represents nearly12 percent of U.S. households."If there are cuts to be made, why should we make them on food stamps?" saidRep. David Scott (news, bio, voting record), D-Ga. "This is the meanest cutof all." The cuts, approved by the Republican-controlled committee on aparty-line vote, are part of an effort by the House GOP to curb federalspending by $50 billion. The food and agriculture cuts would reduce spendingby $3.7 billion, including $844 million on nutrition, $760 million onconservation and $212 million on payments to farmers."The fact is, our country is going broke," said Rep. John Boehner (news,bio, voting record), R-Ohio. "We're spending money we don't have and passingit onto our kids, and at some point, somebody's got to say, `Enough'senough.' " The $574 million reduction in food stamp spending would affectfamilies who receive food stamps because they receive other non-cashgovernment assistance. The change is estimated to shut up to 300,000 peopleout of the program. The restriction also could take free meals away from anestimated 40,000 school children, because children in many states areautomatically eligible for school meals when they get food stamps, accordingto the Congressional Budget Office. The White House proposed the restrictionearlier this year.The bill would also raise the waiting period for food stamps for legalimmigrants from five to seven years.
Senate GOP leaders are seeking to curb spending by $39 billion, and havebeen more reluctant to cut government benefit programs. The SenateAgriculture Committee spared food stamps in approving a similar budget billlast week and voted for greater reductions in farm payments andconservation.The House committee voted to shave $212 million from direct payments tofarmers, a 1 percent reduction over the next four years. Cuts to commodityprograms totaled $1 billion and include repeal of a federal cotton subsidyto comply with a World Trade Organization ruling against the program.In a separate action Friday, the House voted 318-63 to approve the finalversion of a $100 billion spending bill for food and farm programs for thebudget year that began Oct. 1. The Senate must approve the measure before itcan go to President Bush for his signature.The bill delays until 2008 a meat labeling law that was to have gone intoeffect last year. Pressure from meatpackers and supermarkets has blocked thelabels, which would tell shoppers what country their meat comes from.The measure also overrides a court ruling on whether products with theround, green "USDA Organic" seal can contain small amounts of non-organicingredients. An appeals court decided earlier this year that non-organicsubstances - things like vitamins or baking powder - are not allowed in foodbearing the seal. But more than 200 companies and trade groups said theycan't make organic yogurt and many other products without the ingredients inquestion, and congressional negotiators agreed. An industry group, theOrganic Trade Association, said the ruling could cost manufacturers $758million annually. Organic food has grown rapidly, from a $1 billion industryin 1990 to an estimated $14.5 billion this year.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Mugs
Mugs
Wednesday night on the way to MEW accountability I found myself at an introduction concert for the campus gospel singers. I have to admit I didn’t want to be there and had not seen this group “perform” in years.
They were amazing well directed great sound enthusiastic and just down right joyful and the soloist just down right rocked! Pretty sure the lights could have been off and we would have seen little lights oozing from the choirs pores.
Ok, forgive the sarcasm
As I watched and listened I was lifted up, it was contagious unfortunately I was a little embarrassed by this because you see I’m just too cool for my own faith sometimes.
I started looking around the room at people some whom I know, there were acquaintances and friends Christian and non Christian, a couple who have no belief system I am aware of, a man I know casually from the hospital - he might be Jewish I think I recall him in a yamaka one Friday night?
The audience all grinned ear to ear clapping their hands some were even dancing when we were asked to stand. It began slowly I couldn’t resist a closed mouth smile then before I new what was happening I was jubilant! I couldn’t stop myself the joy was so contagious the music so compelling I had to feel good I had to LOL I had to clap my hands and let the goodness of it all vibrate into my soul.
By the end of the event we joked with friends and expressed our need to find a gospel church to go to occasionally to get a fun playful joy fix. But then a little inkling a whisper piped into my mind and reminded me that I’m just too cool for that sort of thing. I mean why would I lower myself to expressing joy openly without shame someone might confuse me with the Biblical description of a……….. Christian!
Wednesday night on the way to MEW accountability I found myself at an introduction concert for the campus gospel singers. I have to admit I didn’t want to be there and had not seen this group “perform” in years.
They were amazing well directed great sound enthusiastic and just down right joyful and the soloist just down right rocked! Pretty sure the lights could have been off and we would have seen little lights oozing from the choirs pores.
Ok, forgive the sarcasm
As I watched and listened I was lifted up, it was contagious unfortunately I was a little embarrassed by this because you see I’m just too cool for my own faith sometimes.
I started looking around the room at people some whom I know, there were acquaintances and friends Christian and non Christian, a couple who have no belief system I am aware of, a man I know casually from the hospital - he might be Jewish I think I recall him in a yamaka one Friday night?
The audience all grinned ear to ear clapping their hands some were even dancing when we were asked to stand. It began slowly I couldn’t resist a closed mouth smile then before I new what was happening I was jubilant! I couldn’t stop myself the joy was so contagious the music so compelling I had to feel good I had to LOL I had to clap my hands and let the goodness of it all vibrate into my soul.
By the end of the event we joked with friends and expressed our need to find a gospel church to go to occasionally to get a fun playful joy fix. But then a little inkling a whisper piped into my mind and reminded me that I’m just too cool for that sort of thing. I mean why would I lower myself to expressing joy openly without shame someone might confuse me with the Biblical description of a……….. Christian!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Stupid blog
Stupid blog
Well I really didn’t mean to publish the thing I just wrote; blogger has blocked me apparently a cookie or anti virus issue. So I cannot log in to write or comment on the blog but by some amazing miracle I hit the publish button in Word and there you have it my psycho dribble unedited and pathetic at best with no way to delete the damn thing. It Suxs to be me huh? Lol, oh well there are worse things in life besides bad poetic writing laced with pathetic thoughts.
I rally hurt for my mom ~ tons of questions spinning in my head… why? Such a hard life deserves a break and God knows I need one or I am one step behind her. God have mercy.
Well I really didn’t mean to publish the thing I just wrote; blogger has blocked me apparently a cookie or anti virus issue. So I cannot log in to write or comment on the blog but by some amazing miracle I hit the publish button in Word and there you have it my psycho dribble unedited and pathetic at best with no way to delete the damn thing. It Suxs to be me huh? Lol, oh well there are worse things in life besides bad poetic writing laced with pathetic thoughts.
I rally hurt for my mom ~ tons of questions spinning in my head… why? Such a hard life deserves a break and God knows I need one or I am one step behind her. God have mercy.
hurting for mom
The moon is full the sky bright the stars gaze back at me as I sit wailing with Sara on the box and sipping Shiraz. The window is open I gaze out in wonder at the beauty of it all the power of creation then worry can anyone hear?
Shadows fall candlelight dancing across the floor, my attempt at solitude, at peace cluttered with reality.
I sing louder wishing I was better, wishing for something never gained. The bleak places of the heart cloud the beauty of the moment as I wonder, why?
My heart drifts to and from the beauty to pain and sadness so deep only the supernatural can sustain me.
To be covered and beauty yet blind as I selfishly crumble I gaze at my existence in wonder and ask what makes a valid life? Trying to make since of those blessed or cursed finding myself in both realities fighting to make since of it all.
As I sit wailing with Sara tears steaming down my face sipping Shiraz and wondering at the beauty of it all but can anyone hear the sadness?
Shadows fall candlelight dancing across the floor, my attempt at solitude, at peace cluttered with reality.
I sing louder wishing I was better, wishing for something never gained. The bleak places of the heart cloud the beauty of the moment as I wonder, why?
My heart drifts to and from the beauty to pain and sadness so deep only the supernatural can sustain me.
To be covered and beauty yet blind as I selfishly crumble I gaze at my existence in wonder and ask what makes a valid life? Trying to make since of those blessed or cursed finding myself in both realities fighting to make since of it all.
As I sit wailing with Sara tears steaming down my face sipping Shiraz and wondering at the beauty of it all but can anyone hear the sadness?
Friday, September 09, 2005
Posting this for a friend
Hey, everyone, I am not a "blogger" and it's not often that I use e-mail as an opinionforum. But as I was watching the hurricane coverage on TV tonight, athought hit me between the eyes.Many people are upset with the government (FEMA, etc.) for failing to actfast enough to help the hurricane victims. Perhaps the criticism isjustified. State, local, and federal officials did not implement aneffective plan for meeting basic, immediate needs--with some really direconsequences. But ordinary people all over this country have pulled together withoutwaiting for the government to step in. Several of us at my church in Ohiospent the midday organizing donations in the back of a U-Haul (thank you,Patty E., for your hard work--it was all worth it!). I saw a similareffort at a gas station down the street. I've heard of people going downto shelters and taking entire families home with them for an indefinitestay. A black church in Biloxi has become a de-facto community center,serving hundreds of meals and hosting relief groups coming in from allover. Where government fell through, churches and other groups have donewhat they've always done--stepped in and met the people's needs withevery resource that God provided to them.I know a day might come that I need the services of the feds. Moreover,it may well be that only the government's pockets are deep enough toprovide assistance for "the great rebuild." But isn't it nice that thegood Lord gave us all a brain, a heart, and two hands to use until thesheriff rides into Dodge? Just a thought. May God bless everyone whohas stepped in to help those whose hands are tied......Elena Stevenson
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Friday, September 02, 2005
~Jen~
For fun I thought I would add these pic’s of my beautiful friend Jen ~ she just moved for MN to CT which is still the same driving distance from me which really sux! She had her 20 yr high school reunion so i swiped her pics, *evil wicked Grin* anyway I need to learn how to upload photos so I thought I would torture her with these:)Jen and I met what seems a lifetime ago, I was a seasonal radio announcer. Translation I was a DJ for a 24 hr Christmas music station! I know it’s scary shush don’t tell anyone k :) she also worked for that station a year or so before. One of the DJ’s kept telling each of us we should meet she was a nanny in CT as I had been before I went into Youth Ministry, she was also a person of faith and according to Jim a hell of a lot of fun and he was sure we would hit it off.
One night while Jim was up to his usual shenanigans trying to get me to screw up on the air, this girl breezed in with a cream coat and bright red hair perhaps not so natural lol. She invited me to a party at her house New Years B-day haven’t a clue her family adopted me and I spent every chance I could with them. The rest is history now 16 or 17 years (gotta count the big numbers:) later she has a fab hubby two beautiful kids one in each flavor and is still an awesome friend and a great encouragement to me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Katrina
I hurt it’s hard to watch the news to see the suffering I want to help but I have nothing to give? I think of my whining and complaining about insurance and injustice and negligence. How many will be left with so much less then us? How many will not even have a chance to see someone the love again? The devastation is numbing…..
I recognize nature is a powerful force and perhaps Gods design is to allow these things to clean the earth’s surface for new beginnings, none the less it is harsh as a human being to sit by and watch the suffering. Most of us can only pray or send a measly check and hope it actually reaches those in need and not the greedy.
I whine about insurance and contractors and gas and food prices as I sit dry and comfortable in a house provided to us in mercy. I have so much to be thankful for I wish I had more to give…..
I recognize nature is a powerful force and perhaps Gods design is to allow these things to clean the earth’s surface for new beginnings, none the less it is harsh as a human being to sit by and watch the suffering. Most of us can only pray or send a measly check and hope it actually reaches those in need and not the greedy.
I whine about insurance and contractors and gas and food prices as I sit dry and comfortable in a house provided to us in mercy. I have so much to be thankful for I wish I had more to give…..
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