Sunday, April 01, 2007

Dangling

I just can’t do it; I stare at it I know what it says I just cant open it. Sometimes it feels like I am dangling from the highest peak with no rescue in sight. Ok, I know what IT says it’s what they all say No, Nope Nada.

This time I allowed myself hope that it would work there is a part of me that feels like I should have known better. The other part still clings to a plan yet to be reviled in the chaos.

God have mercy, I know there must be a plan a purpose in all this but I seem to be blinded to the ultimate reality that awaits us.

Sometimes, as I dangle from my mountain peak all I can see are the jagged rocks at the bottom.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A good life

I just learned a dear friend passed away on Sunday she was 107 years old she was born in 1899. I will try to blog about her later, when I can, she was one of my favorite people ~ an inspiration. I will miss her and our long chats her sweet smile and her quirky humor~ she lived a good life.....

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Home sick etc

I have been working on the never ending battle we are so grateful for our small victory over the summary motion. However, I still find myself a bit overwhelmed by the gravity of it all and feeling incredibly inept especially when I think of a potential trial we cry out praying we find legal council soon.

The hearing went as expected. A few things were said that really frustrated me like the corporate demigods counsel stating we had run through a lot of lawyers hum…. lets see ONE lawyer and a bunch of others who just looked at the case and decided it was not their expertise, too complicated, oh yeah and the biggie wanted a HUGE retainer we didn't have!

The second was a stab in the gut “I believe the judge cut you a break with the summery” OK maybe he did but I would really like to believe he didn't we have good evidence. A paper trail of evidence and I noticed the opposing counsel in our conversation after the hearing kept coming back to a point I truly believe will be easy to discredit. So I am trying really hard not to feel like a total moron!

I feel like we need a break just someone to listen to us to be our rainmaker ~ the clouds in the sky already look promising. It all boils down to money and time. I wish I knew of a “non profit” law firm who goes after injustice. There are non profit firms that deal with social justice but who tackles the true valid case that takes a lot of time and energy? Contingency is fine I have no issue with a firm for profit or non profit being paid it’s the whole idea in law today that if the case isn't worth over a million we don’t take it! I have actually been told this by firms – scary huh? The number of ambulance chasers out there is staggering medical malpractice personal injury etc who tackles true injustice for the average person left destitute by circumstances beyond there control brought about by negligence?

I really feel for everyone like us dealing with this if you do an Internet search you will find thousands of stories like ours some people living in trailers for years or in hotel rooms or with their families others like us relocated to “temporary” housing. There property in ruin filing bankruptcy and the government still allows “them” to get by with it. Loop holes within loop holes, changing the law and instead of honoring the case that has been at court for 5 years based on the law at that time the case is thrown out due to the new law passed. Grandfathered in, in favor of big business where is the justice in that!

The glamour of those struck by Katrina is fading so many still hurting and displaced so we are not alone, what should we do, do we fight? How do we regain our lives in spite of and seek justice in a world corrupted by power? It is so sad I ache for those hurting I especially ache for mom. We may not be victims of a hurricane but we can sure relate to the injustice of insurance companies.

As I sifted through photos to send the “other side” I began crying thoughts going through my head “I want to go home” it may not have been much by today’s standards in the world but it is ours and it was almost paid for. I was looking at the pix of the back field the beautiful blue sky and amber grass on our little hill ~ we have quite a view, it makes me sad I want to go home…….

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

One flew over the coo coos nest!

Ok, partial confession leaving out details they would just send the peep's with the white coats running to my door!.

I totally lost it tonight due to stress insomnia and the continuing chaos of finding legal council lack of a real support system yadda yadda yadda, excuses, excuses. Well anyway I totally blew up tonight at a stranger no less! A poor unsuspecting person just out and about doing their job. I am absolutely mortified! After said incidence, I broke down in frustration and shame and just cried. Then jumped on line in escape mode to research the case until I stopped crying.

Tomorrow I go back to being the great pretender worthy of only the highest Oscar honors "We are hanging in there" can I just say BIG FAT LIE!

I So need a vacation!

We So need a miracle!

Thank God we have come as far as we have in this whole mess but well I am a mess! Oscar performance temporarily halted for a little reality!

Note to self MONEY will buy anyone a lawyer (too bad we have none), people have and always will like "the act" feel more comfortable around the shallow and love hanging out with the really cool people who dress really cool because being famous and or really cool is well just so damn cool!

Where are those peeps with the not so cool white coats ~ they B late!

Ok, don't get your knickers in a knot I am just blowing off steam!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sleepy

I have been up for almost three hours I am sleepy and it just not working I am trying not to worry but that is so easier said than done! It will be better when mom is home and things bounce back to normal it will be better when we find a lawyer my mind is filled with stuff about the case things I need for the meeting on Monday praying this guy is the one. Right now my mind is too busy and I yon more than I am breathing right now lol.

I am trying so hard to think positive that we will win that this mess will be over soon and it will decrees the stress in our lives, especially want this for mom I want her to be free of stress and at peace for the rest of her life not worried about if we will be homeless or have utilities cut off etc. I ache for her I want her to spend the rest of her life doing what she loves and is called to do ~ not stuck in this horrible mess.

Trying to be thankful in spite of and to a degree I think I am I think we are it will get better and God will show Himself once again as He always does…..

Friday, January 05, 2007

Bureaucracy

I seemed to be filled with anger and rage today s I deal with medical and insurance bureaucracy I am too tiered to write all the details. But it looks like insurance may not pay for in home treatment we may need to do rehab after all. Finding a place to take someone with a pulmonary infection is a nightmare too few beds to few reliable facilities.

So I battle anger and frustration against my will? I try to get a hold on the rage of insurance hell and question is it righteous or just me wanting my way for what I think is best for my mom? I am angry at hypocrisy and angry at the bureaucratic rule that thinks more of the bottom line than human life. so I b swimmin neked again huh : )

Bloggin in the Weeeee

So, it is early or late depending on your train of thought. It just took me 22 minutes to get on line. Once I started the computer time slowed to ridiculous now I have lost much of my interest in writing the things that continue to float through my head ~ but I will try anyway for a little while.

Mom is still in hospital its nine days in just a few minutes she is doing well but tiered and even though she is tiered she seems willing to put up wit the tests in an attempt to get to the bottom of things~ not fun but hopefully we will have answers. Anyway it looks like she will be sprung from the big house ie the hospital on Monday and come in every day for IV treatments until the end of the week.

I will be happy to see her home as soon as possible and get back to normal, well as normal as it gets around here anyway. I meet with an attorney on Monday and pray he will work with us pray he is the right person etc.

I had all this stuff floating in my head when I woke up now nada brainus interuptus from computer hell, oh well I do appreciate my aging relic in spite of…..I would go for a walk but it looks a bit foreboding out side a foggy hue of burnt orange and darkness ~ kinda ere.


So I will go back to bed perchance to sleep…

Friday, December 29, 2006

No small victory

I wanted to post the following, a portion of a letter sent out to a few friends and house church.

It’s been a while life has taken on a busyness that keeps us well… busy! I know it’s been a while and I had planned on sending out an update letter after the first of the year but a letter arrived form the court a few days ago and I just couldn't’t wait to share our Christmas blessing with you!

We received a letter from the court, the letter states that the court has denied our insurance companies motion for summary judgment In other words our case is not being dismissed! So what does this mean? First off it means the court sees evidence that makes them believe a trial could bring about another outcome then the defendants (insurance company) claim. So this means the court agrees with us that there is evidence to proceed with litigation.

When the letter arrived I was elated and truthfully amazed at the outcome I saw glimpses of the old me the one before Fibro not just the crisis we have been fighting. I felt free for the first time in a long time to an extent I still do but I am coming back down from the blissful mountain to a place of thanksgiving and reality. We still need legal counsel and although we have won this battle more will follow until we have justice and deliverance after the long season we have endured.

Maybe that freedom feeling came because I felt as though I had accomplished something ~ I succeeded for the first time in eons at something that mattered? I had help, friends who walked me through gave me advice looked up info on the net held my hand until fear of meltdown subsided. But still, I felt and hopefully still feel, that I did something, used my mind and was useful to my mom in a tangible way. Hopefully my stubbornness will pay off and we will have the justice we so desperately crave.

I am thankful for friends and the knowledge that when the going gets tough as well as the victories you learn just who your friends are and I am thankful for you, you have stood with us threw thick and thin.Hopefully it will just be a little longer and this will be over.

Today is my mom’s 77th birthday and she is in hospital for the first time in 13 months. We are so grateful she has had a break from what seemed to be the never ending hospital stays but frustrated to see her back and praying she is released soon. So far they have kept her busy with continuous tests full body contrast CAT scan, Doppler ultra sound of her veins, and a chemical stress test with a follow up next Tuesday. They also want to do an echo cardiogram and plan on Cath of her arteries in her legs to see what is up. She is on IV sodium and glucose IV prednezone (sp?)and two IV antibiotics and a pill that is antibiotic as well. The cough is not as bad as it was and she had a ravenous appetite today for the first time in weeks.

I am trying to find peace and not allow fear to overwhelm me I feel alone and uncertain of things and continue to pray for mercy for mom as she has endured far more than anyone should have to in ten lifetimes.

Its hard to have our win dampened by our concerns for mom’s health but we are so thankful to have good and thorough doctors for once. I hope she can come straight home and not have to rehab so far she seems to be holding her own walking a bit. It would be nice to have her home and bring in OT and PT if we need to.

This post is a jumble I suppose, my mind is spinning with ideas and possibilities. thinking about the lawyer hunt it should be easier but we have had our first no a friend who is working on a couple of big cases wanted to help but just doesn't have the time. I hope to talk with an attorney on Tuesday when he gets back from vacation praying we find someone before the next hearing it would make things easier….

I am tiered not sleeping as I should mom knows this too which makes it hard she is worried about me think I am trying to fight off a bug had a hard day today. tomorrow will be better.

looking forward to three of my fav peeps coming to see mom from Cinti and hang out and have "brunch" tomorrow night they are a huge blessing in our lives.

So I am off to bed and hopefully peaceful sleep!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Thinking Outloud

Thought I would catch up on the progress here at the rental house. The bleaching is finished but the garage remains a huge concern in addition to bacteria that may be under the linoleum as a result of the sewer water it dried out but I still have concerns.

I had the CAT scan on my lungs yesterday they injected iodine to look at my lungs. The tech explained I would have a major hot clash and feel as though I was peeing my pants and not to worry. About two minutes later I was amazed at how wrong I thought this woman had to be it was like fire from head to toe even the bottom of my feet were hot and I TOTALLY felt as though I had wet myself. Not a fun feeling! Admittedly it was nice to feel warm they keep the rooms so cold due to the machines.

I had a huge coughing fit at the end of the test and they kinda freaked out a bit but I assured them it was just the way I always cough which surprised them. The taste in my mouth was really yucky like I had been sucking on pennies or nickels for a while I still taste it a bit today but it is not nearly as bad. This test and the one next week a small discomfort to find out what is going on with me I just want to get to the root and find a solution. I did not receive a late night call from my doctor so hopefully no news is good news although they did say the doctor who reads the test would not be able to do so for 2-3 days. But I figure if they had seen a red flag I would have been rushed to the top of the list.

Next week Kimmy has generously agreed to be my baby sitter for the broncoscopy hopefully I will be low maintenance in the past I have not done well coming off the drugs I don’t have much tolerance for them and the side effects can be a bit overwhelming. I hope with this test that is not the case. I can’t wait for next Tuesday to be over and done with!

I have been on the phone for months trying to find a dentist/orthodontist who specializes in TMJ and takes my insurance I have not had any luck. There is one orthodontist in this county who deals with TMJ and they told me it would be about 3000.00 a year to treat in addition to restorative dental work and cleaning NOT done by them but a dentist who treats people with TMJ which could cost another 3-5K!

We are in such a difficult spot I think of how just five years ago we were less the 5 k in debt and how things would be now if we had not heard of CDBG and how we feel as though it ruined our lives. Probably the TMJ wouldn’t be so bad we wouldn’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses and the huge debt hanging over our heads that we just can’t seem to get out from under.

God has been teaching me over the last five years about true forgiveness and I thought I had a pretty good handle on it but over the last couple of weeks I have realized I do not. its like I forgave half way not entirely. Even though I released the contractor attorney adjuster etc from the hatred I felt for them I now realize I have not forgiven them with my whole heart.

In the teaching of a more excellent way one of the pastors I really like is fond of saying “Forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it” it is a gift that I give for me not that other person my lack of forgiveness cannot harm them but it can harm me.

In one of my favorite dog eared books I find these reminders.

Forgiveness is not tolerance.
Forgiveness is not pretending
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is not generosity of spirit.
Forgiveness is not turning the other cheek.
Forgiveness is not making a joke of a wrong.
Forgiveness is not politeness or tactfulness.
Forgiveness is not diplomacy.
Forgiveness is not passive non-response.

Forgiveness is something much deeper!

Forgiveness is a deliberate act of will.
Forgiveness is a full pardon.
Forgiveness is a substitutional act.
Forgiveness is obedience to God’s word.
Forgiveness is an act of love.
Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

Shattering your strongholds
Freedom from your struggles
Liberty Savard
http://www.amazon.com/Shattering-Your-Strongholds-Freedom-Struggles/dp/0882707132


A woman I met last year at a prayer group blessed my at MEW last week with two books

Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/B000JGWE2C/sr=1-1/qid=1161802695/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


and

Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Forgiveness-R-T-Kendall/dp/0884198898/sr=1-1/qid=1161802763/ref=sr_1_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


I am a huge fan of Joyce Meyer she is so down to earth real and vulnerable her story puts my whining to shame and makes me reconsider my attitudes a lot. I thought I would read her book first but I just couldn’t get into it for some reason and I must admit that even though I wanted to read the other book it was not top on my list especially when I am just sick and tired of working this stuff out, I just want to learn the lesson and get on with it already.

I first heard RT Kendall several years ago on the radio I remember getting ready to flip the station and hesitating because he said something that cut to the core of my spirit that I knew I needed to deal with.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New King James Version)
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Its hard for me to admit but my forgiveness of those who have wronged us in the last five years has been totally conditional, I am not saying there are not legal consequences to someone’s illegal or negligent actions but that I in my brokenness failed to realize that I expect retribution in this world and the next.

With the contractor I came to a place where I almost totally forgave him I prayed blessings upon him but I also prayed God would convict him and discipline him and have him held accountable here on earth for his actions. But maybe total forgiveness is not caring if he pays the price for his actions but trusting God. Hasn’t God forgiven me when the bible says when I repent God chooses not even to remember my sin it is as though it never happened! This is why I have issues with the toxic church that leads people down a road of guilt God doesn’t do this why should we? So if God forgives in this manor I need to as well, and I must admit that even though I am thankful to be forgiven for my mistakes my attitude is less then generous to those who have hurt us, especially those who hurt my mom.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

There is a consequence a law of the land to malicious behavior and mistakes there is usually not a get out of jail free card and in some cases the innocent are punished and the guilty go free. We may not have earthly justice I pray we do receive compensation for our losses and suffering and that the entities that have wronged us and others will be stopped so they do not continue to harm others. But that just might not happen and I have had to tell myself this for years to keep myself grounded and trust God for His justice and mercy above all others.

The toughest part of this book to read so far was the encouragement to pray for God to forgive the person who has wronged you. I have spent all my time asking God to help me forgive them I really didn’t want to hear that part of the process is me interceding on their behalf. So, this is my goal to willfully work toward total forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Romans 14:10 (New International Version)
10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Ahhhhh The smell of SEWER GAS in the morning

Well I am venting have been meaning to blog about stuff but too busy now insomnia urges me forward. The house flooded yesterday what fun I thank God Kara was with me or I am pretty sure the men with the exciting long armed white jackets would have come for a visit.

The first time this house flooded was the night I moved in. The sewer baked up and the hot water heater broke. I didn’t even have a mop and only had the cloths on my back and a towel and pj’s from Mega-Mart. Actually it was putting the cloths on my back in the washing machine that started the flood. Someone from mom’s church had left me sheets and a blanket on the rented bed so I used the blanket to clean up the best I could. I remember crying hard trying to figure out how to deal with the water how to prevent mold growth and air out the house at midnight (and no one to call and help due to the late hour) in February and in the aftermath of a huge blizzard with nothing but a broom and rental furniture in the house.

This neighborhood is notorious for cheaply made houses and we are a plumbers dream come true ~ old farm land near a creak and on a rock and sand bed depending on which side of the street you live on. Yesterdays flood by far the worse then the other three times at this house. The other two were cleaned up with minimal effort and a handy dandy electric snake borrowed from an old friend.

Although there was less water this time then at mom’s house when it flooded ~ the sewer gas was new. The smell was unbelievable the water backed up through a drain pipe in the laundry room and into the back shower. The seepage went behind all the appliances through the walls and into the garage. We moped and bleached the best we could but the next couple of days will be fun. Everything (all our losses) must be removed from the garage and the water damage must be cleaned up.

Ginger borrowed the eclectic snake again (and a manual one) but after hours of working on it with the snakes and chemicals we couldn’t get the clog loose. We just didn’t have the upper body strength even with the electric on and kept hitting a Y pipe. The landlord said he would try to get someone out if he could but they never called me back.

~ humm how much clearer can you be to the enormity of the situation when you tell them toxic sewer gas and water is flooding your house and we cant get it under control and we need help! Now I battle thoughts that our rent will go up if the clean up is extensive and he does send someone out. He needs to see it anyway the damages are pretty bad I think the linoleum and drywall needs to be replaced lord knows it has needed it since we moved in now it is just worse pealing up and with water underneath it.

I coughed a lot Kara and I had to keep going outside to breath I still feel tightness in my chest this morning and have a light burning sensation in my lungs. The pulmonologist is gonna LOVE this! My lips tong and nose still tingle but its better then the burning sensation yesterday! I am betting we should not be here but the budget does not include a hotel stay and we don’t have renters insurance.

Unfortunately that means all the documentation must continue on the losses I gave up with the soaring heat this summer. Thankfully the water in the garage is under our refrigerator and freezer and a utility shelf. The water traveled away from our losses and out the path through the front of the garage.

We had mom stay at the Sr citizens until it closed and my Dr said we should not be in the house when I went for tests results on a cat scan of my sinuses etc. So we tried to talk mom into going to the library after a little picnic outside but she bailed. The sewer gas smell had subsided by that time but the smell still lingered a little bit mixed with an overwhelming chemical smell that made my face burn.

I was going to give in to the hotel especially since we can’t use the plumbing I thought I would use all the money had had saved up for our gas bill so far but I realized even with Kara’s help we could not lift the oxygen machine for mom. So we put a sheet over mom’s door (the door was removed for her wheelchair) made her put on her oxygen and stay out of the main part of the house we cant flush the toilets or use water so this really sux!

If we can’t get this cleaned up in the next 72 hours we have to move out due to the mold which could be life threatening for both of us. Even if we do get it cleaned I am sure extensive reconstruction will need to be done. I am at my wits end tired angry and emotionally exhausted.

Although I realize it could be worse I am tired of being displaced for our home and property for the last 5 years and wish we had never heard of CDBG for rehabbing houses for the handicapped! It’s hard not to think if we were home at least…… it may not have been much by today’s standards but it was ours. I suppose I should say it still IS ours its just not usable for now I pray we are not doomed to the same fate here!

The courts are slow no ruling yet I pray we here good news soon I just want to move on out of the season of never ending losses and frustration. we will just have to learn a few more life lessons…..

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Venting

Ok, I need to vent - I need this to be a public declaration.

Respect, I am gonna start demanding it, it is not an option! I will with God’s grace NOT allow myself to be sabotaged by well meaning people! In regard to weight loss, our home situation, our dreams of a better life and home for mom.

With God’s help I will NOT listen to negativity I will not tolerate the judgment and accusations of others. I will not become angry when I am ignored and disrespected With God’s help I will be forgiving and give everyone the grace we all so desperately desire.

I will not negate my spiritual gifting and supernatural insight no matter what the skeptic may think. I will with God’s grace live my life humbly before God walking in His truth and seeking His purposes and do my best to do what he has called me to no matter what other people think.

I will with God’s grace not be fearful of man by caring what others think of me and the desires of my heart. I will within my circumstances do my best to creatively find ways to provide a better life for my mother and myself within my physical limitations and not listen to negativity.

I will remember who I am not who I am preserved to be because of our trials and circumstances and I will strive to be a better person and be used to help others in spite of my failings and the unbelief of myself and others.

Matthew 21:18

The Fig Tree Withered

18 Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. 19 And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.” Immediately the fig tree withered away.

The Lesson of the Withered Fig Tree

20 And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?” 21 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. 22 And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.

Mark 9 23b
23b. Jesus (said). "Everything is possible for him who believes" 24.Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Thy will (not mine) be done on earth as it is in heaven…

I feel much better now! :)

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Nice to know we are NOT all puppets!

Disowning Conservative Politics Is Costly for Pastor
By LAURIE GOODSTEIN, The New York Times

MAPLEWOOD, Minn. (July 30) -- Like most pastors who lead thriving evangelical megachurches, the Rev. Gregory A. Boyd was asked frequently to give his blessing -- and the church's -- to conservative political candidates and causes.

The requests came from church members and visitors alike: Would he please announce a rally against gay marriage during services? Would he introduce a politician from the pulpit? Could members set up a table in the lobby promoting their anti-abortion work? Would the church distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates? And with the country at war, please couldn’t the church hang an American flag in the sanctuary?

After refusing each time, Mr. Boyd finally became fed up, he said. Before the last presidential election, he preached six sermons called “The Cross and the Sword” in which he said the church should steer clear of politics, give up moralizing on sexual issues, stop claiming the United States as a “Christian nation” and stop glorifying American military campaigns.
“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

Mr. Boyd says he is no liberal. He is opposed to abortion and thinks homosexuality is not God’s ideal. The response from his congregation at Woodland Hills Church here in suburban St. Paul -- packed mostly with politically and theologically conservative, middle-class evangelicals -- was passionate. Some members walked out of a sermon and never returned. By the time the dust had settled, Woodland Hills, which Mr. Boyd founded in 1992, had lost about 1,000 of its 5,000 members.

But there were also congregants who thanked Mr. Boyd, telling him they were moved to tears to hear him voice concerns they had been too afraid to share.
“Most of my friends are believers,” said Shannon Staiger, a psychotherapist and church member, “and they think if you’re a believer, you’ll vote for Bush. And it’s scary to go against that.”

Sermons like Mr. Boyd’s are hardly typical in today’s evangelical churches. But the upheaval at Woodland Hills is an example of the internal debates now going on in some evangelical colleges, magazines and churches. A common concern is that the Christian message is being compromised by the tendency to tie evangelical Christianity to the Republican Party and American nationalism, especially through the war in Iraq.

At least six books on this theme have been published recently, some by Christian publishing houses. Randall Balmer, a religion professor at Barnard College and an evangelical, has written “Thy Kingdom Come: How the Religious Right Distorts the Faith and Threatens America -- an Evangelical’s Lament.”
And Mr. Boyd has a new book out, “The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church,” which is based on his sermons.

“There is a lot of discontent brewing,” said Brian D. McLaren, the founding pastor at Cedar Ridge Community Church in Gaithersburg, Md., and a leader in the evangelical movement known as the “emerging church,” which is at the forefront of challenging the more politicized evangelical establishment.
“More and more people are saying this has gone too far -- the dominance of the evangelical identity by the religious right,” Mr. McLaren said. “You cannot say the word ‘Jesus’ in 2006 without having an awful lot of baggage going along with it. You can’t say the word ‘Christian,’ and you certainly can’t say the word ‘evangelical’ without it now raising connotations and a certain cringe factor in people.

“Because people think, ‘Oh no, what is going to come next is homosexual bashing, or pro-war rhetoric, or complaining about ‘activist judges.’ ”
Mr. Boyd said he had cleared his sermons with the church’s board, but his words left some in his congregation stunned. Some said that he was disrespecting President Bush and the military, that he was soft on abortion or telling them not to vote.

“When we joined years ago, Greg was a conservative speaker,” said William Berggren, a lawyer who joined the church with his wife six years ago. “But we totally disagreed with him on this. You can’t be a Christian and ignore actions that you feel are wrong. A case in point is the abortion issue. If the church were awake when abortion was passed in the 70’s, it wouldn’t have happened. But the church was asleep.”

Mr. Boyd, 49, who preaches in blue jeans and rumpled plaid shirts, leads a church that occupies a squat block-long building that was once a home improvement chain store.

He is known among evangelicals for a bestselling book, “Letters From a Skeptic,” based on correspondence with his father, a leftist union organizer and a lifelong agnostic -- an exchange that eventually persuaded his father to embrace Christianity.

Mr. Boyd said he never intended his sermons to be taken as merely a critique of the Republican Party or the religious right. He refuses to share his party affiliation, or whether he has one, for that reason. He said there were Christians on both the left and the right who had turned politics and patriotism into “idolatry.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

Patriotic displays are still a mainstay in some evangelical churches. Across town from Mr. Boyd’s church, the sanctuary of North Heights Lutheran Church was draped in bunting on the Sunday before the Fourth of July this year for a “freedom celebration.” Military veterans and flag twirlers paraded into the sanctuary, an enormous American flag rose slowly behind the stage, and a Marine major who had served in Afghanistan preached that the military was spending “your hard-earned money” on good causes.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars.

Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

Mr. Boyd lambasted the “hypocrisy and pettiness” of Christians who focus on “sexual issues” like homosexuality, abortion or Janet Jackson’s breast-revealing performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public.

“Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”

Some Woodland Hills members said they applauded the sermons because they had resolved their conflicted feelings. David Churchill, a truck driver for U.P.S. and a Teamster for 26 years, said he had been “raised in a religious-right home” but was torn between the Republican expectations of faith and family and the Democratic expectations of his union.

When Mr. Boyd preached his sermons, “it was liberating to me,” Mr. Churchill said.

Mr. Boyd gave his sermons while his church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign. But only $4 million came in, and 7 of the more than 50 staff members were laid off, he said.

Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school.

“They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.”

The Rev. Paul Eddy, a theology professor at Bethel College and the teaching pastor at Woodland Hills, said: “Greg is an anomaly in the megachurch world. He didn’t give a whit about church leadership, never read a book about church growth. His biggest fear is that people will think that all church is is a weekend carnival, with people liking the worship, the music, his speaking, and that’s it.”

In the end, those who left tended to be white, middle-class suburbanites, church staff members said. In their place, the church has added more members who live in the surrounding community — African-Americans, Hispanics and Hmong immigrants from Laos.

This suits Mr. Boyd. His vision for his church is an ethnically and economically diverse congregation that exemplifies Jesus’ teachings by its members’ actions. He, his wife and three other families from the church moved from the suburbs three years ago to a predominantly black neighborhood in St. Paul.

Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”

His congregation of about 4,000 is still digesting his message. Mr. Boyd arranged a forum on a recent Wednesday night to allow members to sound off on his new book. The reception was warm, but many of the 56 questions submitted in writing were pointed: Isn’t abortion an evil that Christians should prevent? Are you saying Christians should not join the military? How can Christians possibly have “power under” Osama bin Laden? Didn’t the church play an enormously positive role in the civil rights movement?

One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?”

Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

Friday, July 21, 2006

Shocked

Ok, I started this 3 hour eating thing I though ok Dr say this is my problem I am in starvation mode and need to eat more and although I have said it is my problem I must be honest I only half believed it. I mean, come on, I eat as much as some anorexics (btw- not my plan to BE anorexic!) daily and I am still getting fat. The Prednisone totally messed me up then the Endo hormones added to the chaos but still most people eat more then me and the only time I do splurge is at a party or at HC.

Ok, this morning I was battling the whole “oh my gosh, this food thing will just make me fatter I am eating so stinking much”. Although I admit my stomach now growls almost every three hours like clockwork in under a week and a half.

Before I started the “plan” I did a few test days to see if I could stick with the schedule and I did but whined a lot about the massive amounts of food, 400 cal three times a day , 100 calorie snacks, one 50 cal treat. That is eat 6X a day a total of 1450 calories NOT the 800-1000 Cal. I usually eat.

So in my cynicism I ran to the scale to prove this is a waist of my time weighed myself in my cloths my initial weigh in I was not clothed. Guess what? I am 6 pounds lighter SIX did you hear me I said SIX stinkin fat pounds lighter ( not the two pounds they guarantee will “melt” away SIX! Is it a fluke is it real will it continue ~ God I really hope so I just can’t believe it!

Camping might be harder tonight I cannot see myself not having a little s’more which might put my eating too close to bedtime. Part of the plan is to not eat 3 hours before bed time and since I have been having my treat with dinner that means it is 5-6 hours for me if I eat dinner at 7 pm.

I just want this to work I NEED this to work………

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fell off the wagon…

Ok, I fell off the food wagon. For over a week I have forced myself to eat every three hours following the Jorge cruise thing forcing myself to consume massive amounts of food in an attempt to restore my body to a healthy metabolism function. i dont even know if it is really working but nothing else does so it is worth a try.

This morning I saw the soap was ready way ahead of schedule so I took it out of the mold and it crumbled totally falling apart. I am avoiding the other 7 batches fearful my scale was off or that the air conditioner that is totally wacky caused the soap to fail the air conditioner was set on 80 and it was only 68 deg in the house and still running!

so what do I do, well I start making laundry soap as I am the worlds worst rebatcher and I cry and cry and crawl back into bed exhausted and 5.5 hours go by and I forget to eat my snack and lunch on time. ugggggggggggggggggg it is so frustrating most people would eat under stress not me I have to forget!

I was so proud of everyone who helped make it, the soap looks beautiful so thankful for the help hopeful at redeeming a glimpse of vision for my life and thankful of the support of it. Now I am to darn scared to go look at it afraid it will all be ruined.. I have to face the music so when I stop bitching to this blog its off to the kitchen I pray it can be redeemed….

Monday, July 10, 2006

It is hard to be the solitary to always be told you are wrong and no amount of evidence will change anything ~ evidence is subjective. It’s hard to have a vision those you are closest to do not share. it is hard to swallow pride in order to do anything and everything to protect and care for those you love. It is hard to reach out in humility. It’s hard to pretend to be someone you are not just to keep the peace. I am tiered and wish I could cry I have started to many times in the past 24 only to do what I do best play the roll conform to the crowd give them what they want ~ the truth is not cool.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

This is powerful....

Please pray for an end to the war........

Twenty ~ The Robert Cray Band

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Just for Ann :)


this was taken 1981

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Puppy lust, life and an overactive imagination

Finely made it to a movie it's been months ~ I went to see X Men3 which I loved except for a few events if you haven't seen it wait through the credits for a surprise scene at the end it will make you like the film better it was not as good as X2 but the special effects were fun. Monday I splurged and took mom to see Over the Hedge it was WAY cute the animal lover in me was totally cracking up I think people who aren't into animals will like it but maybe not as much. This week we will hopefully go see Cars if it doesn't rain wish I hadn't promised mom I could wiggle out of it and get it on DVD from the library next year although I hear it is a full screen kind of cartoon. Three movies in less then a week not a good thing I the budget department!

We were blessed again this week by lawn mowing two Birchfields for the price of one they are such a blessing we would be waist deep in grass by end of summer without their generosity. The garden is looking good, I need to weed ~ waiting for rain so it won't be so difficult. In addition to all the plants and seeds I put in we have a ton of volunteers I counted 16 tomatoes plants and 6 zucchini's so we may be feeding the neighborhood this summer and then some. I have been saving back a couple bucks a week to buy a new rose bush for mom I realized we do not have yellow white or red so I think I will work on those colors hoping to find a few discounts like last year.

My cell phone is barely holding on to life, panting its little heart out forgetting to catch calls and delivering my messages late. I really hate cell phone shopping I drool over the one I want but I know it's just not practical right now. I don't even want to think about car problems computer issues and the huge list of things to do, have fixed, and replace! So if you are trying to reach me and don't hear back call again my cell is so not working right....

We totaly surprised mom with the puppies (I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore:), On Tuesday we made her LOL and giggle better than any movie could we went down to Donna's to see the kittens mom drove her wheelchair I brought her walker and she was able to step up the two inch stoop in the garage~ yeah! We played with the little balls of fir for a while then to mom's horror Donna took the kitty box away only after a few minutes ok fifteen or twenty.:)

I wish I had a camera with me. Donna brought the puppies to mom she squealed with delight and shock as they were handed to her. Mom's face was a little light bulb she had a huge open mouth grin and I thought she was going to shed a little tear at one point. I cannot remember a time I saw her so happy so surprised she held the pup's for about 45 minutes it was hard to let them go. Purdy who is a very protective first time mom did not growl at mom like she does her own family and me when we look at the pups. She was totally content with mom wagging her tail and rubbing up against her totally content to have mom hold her wee ones ~ it was so sweet.

I was so sad to learn that the runt died the other two little monsters are doing well still cant believe sweet tiny little Purdy gave birth to such huge puppy's. I am faced with a conundrum I have not seen mom this happy about anything in so long I really want to give her a puppy. It would give her something to focus on and take care of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The expense, the hassle, gerrrrrrrr.

Mom was watching a travel program yesterday so I am drooling again can I just say (since it is a secret) I NEED A VACATION! The destination Hawaii. Ok, to be honest I would be happy goin to Po- dunk Ohio 10 min west of dodge just to git the heck outta here but, Hawaii...Let me dream a little please.

They highlighted several places my three personal favorites

1. Eco tree top tour in Kauai with zip lines once you leave the ground you spend the next three hours 70 foot off the ground the views were beautiful the challenge looked so cool my desire to do this in spite of fibro overwhelmingly strong. http://www.justlive.org/eco-tour.html

2. Paradise air motor powered hand glider tour and flight lessons (you get to fly the glider!) over white sandy beaches and turquoise water sigh In O'ahu sigh.... http://www.paradiseairhawaii.com/photos.htm

3. Last an most certainly not least a four wheeling adventure over Hawaiian farm land beneath the Haupu Maintain Range, beautiful waterfalls, bamboo forest hideaway, cool tunnel, old sugar cane fields, and a rain forest.
http://www.kauaiatv.com/html/tours.html

Add to my fantasy trip a spa retreat, horse back riding, hiking around volcanoes snorkeling, and sunlight sail boat rides and I am almost in heaven sigh...… sigh....sigh.....

Hey I can dream can't I BTW I'm SO not picky Jamaica, Costa Rica, Europe, the British Isles, Asia I'm flexible with my fantasy life! hehehe

Shamefully Funny Past


Hey trying to see if I can figure out how to post pix cleaning out the garage and found an old funny one ya gotta love high school boys in tights! Oh yeah, to my shame I am in there too! This picture was taken Dec 1980 at a Christmas show we performed at the YWCA were I worked ~ I was 16 years old.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The last couple of weeks

Let’s see what has been going on around here, Paula and Elaine blessed us by coming to town to spend Memorial Day with us Gina came over and we all went hiking at Huston woods, it was beautiful out. Grilled out had great conversation as always and a bit of prayer time. It felt like it had been forever since I had seen them so it was really cool.

Spent most of last week trying to deal with life I still have a million things to do and only one set of hands. I am having camera problems again so it is hard to document losses so I am trying to go through a small container in the garage every few days.

I still haven’t been able to make myself read the legal brief from the opposing counsel which freaks me out a bit because I like knowing what’s going on but I still feel too emotional vulnerable to subject myself to it., we just keep praying for a trial and freedom from all of it. I know I keep saying it and God always pulls us though but I really don’t know how much more we can take at times.

The garden is beautiful I bring fresh roses in the house every few days the perennials are starting to bloom wishing I had a flower budget! although last week I walked with Mom uptown in her wheelchair to the farmers market and the library and we stopped at the little garden store on the way home and burned the rest of our market money on a few annuals for the two pots on the front stoop – they look beautiful and cheer things up a bit more.

We lost almost three quarters of our food in the freezer again everything but the bottom shelf was totally thawed and ruined. I had to bake a twenty pound turkey on Saturday my brother and his wife came for dinner it was good to see them but I get very frustrated I asked for help with the turkey and they blew me off it was so heavy and then I almost cut myself trying to carve the damn thing. As, much as I love them they just tick me off asked for help with the dishes they ignored me again they just don’t seem to have a clue as to how much work it is to wait on them. I feel like the maid every time they come but I am so glad they are visiting (especially for mom) they only live thirty minutes away and they hardly ever visit her. Anyway, we gave Ginger most of the bird for her family I saved some to freeze and we will stop using the freezer it ticks me off cause it did this the first year after we bought it after the warranty was up and the worked fine it still seems to work something is definitely wrong and we cant afford the loss.

My friend’s puppies were born yesterday ~ good thing they weren’t born today or they would be dubbed little demons and no one would want them well maybe Satanists would lol! There are three spotted pups; they look just like their trailer trash daddy poor little things. Actually they are too cute and their dad would be cute too if anyone took the time to clean him up a little. So, now the real dilemma begins. At conception, when Otis violated his restraining order and broke into our sweet little innocent (never impregnated at 8 years old) Purdy’s yard, we were offered pick of the litter.

So, I swore the neighbors and everyone else to secrecy and so far mom is clueless she says she never wants another dog but then oggels every dog on the block and is almost gleeful when I pet sit and she can take them for walks with her wheelchair, I just don’t know what to do. I SO want a dog but I’m not sure if it is practical (fence vet bills etc) but I am already in love with them especially the runt I have always been a sucker for the underdog and his big brothers are already pushing him around. They probably bullied him from the womb! Actually I think he is a little fighter and helped push puppy number one the huge mammoth of a creature out of the way as he was the tiniest and the second born . First born was medium size oh no what if the huge mammoth is the underdog is stupid and adorable that’s all I need.

The kittens are getting big when I was over looking at the pups I saw them too they are growing eyes are opened but one looks like it is gonna be cross eyed so now my friend has three pups and five kittens born a little over a week apart to find homes for! So far I am resisting but one of them looks like my sweet kitty friend Je taime who I miss terribly ~ it will be a year in a few day’s I still live with the horrible memories of last year and it is difficult.


If we do take a pup I will need to get permission to build a fence then there are the expenses but my argument is what price for mom a little friend to take care of she is so lonely without Peanut. The pups mom is pure bread Shih Tzu dad is part Shih Tzu and mutt they are gonna be so, so cute, as if they aren’t now!