Blessings

The weekend was strange, Saturday night I hung out with a few friends celebrating three birthdays including my own. shooting a little pool, eating pizza and cake – we laughed so hard we were falling over barely able to breath, all without the help of intoxication - an amazement to most the world as we know it I am sure….:)

I am so blessed by the people in my life; Em opened her home showered us with hospitality- it was a different night, about “being” and feeling comfortable with those around you - I am so thankful for their friendship. I brought home two great books which included one of my fav authors’ John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire. Searching For the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of - I am looking forward to reading it.

Sunday, I received an emergency call and rushed a friend to the hospital only to be turned away to my utter disgust and frustration. Communication problems between nurse practitioner, physician and maybe me fueled my anger. How someone so ill can be turned away after being told to go to the ER for admittance to the hospital is beyond my comprehension!

Late to Veritas but it was still good to try to go and be normal in spite of fighting back tears. Watching a friend suffer is so hard but there is a sweet intimate friendship that comes from it as well, a sacred journey of the unknown and leaning close to the Father for strength. It’s hard to explain but even in my exhaustion I am thankful for the road. Although, I will have to stay firm and set boundaries my heart rejects at this point ... I guess sometimes you have to set boundaries in order to help someone fly?

Rushed home from Veritas, sad to see God move another member of our community in another direction not the end of a friendship by any means but it is an end in some way for our community of faith and a new beginning for her, for which I am thankful. My mind racing with our conversations about things that even after 30+ years of walking with Christ I do not fully understand, but that’s ok - its part of the journey.

Pulled myself together and went uptown to listen to a local band and celebrate 40, arrived to find a balloon proclaiming that fact and was promptly adorned with a plastic tiara announcing my status as birthday princess! It was a strange night in a strange world I rarely see, cute rugby players offering to buy us drinks, dozens of people in awe of my youthful appearance and wanting to know my secret. Of course this was a great marketing opportunity for my aromatherapy - although I did admit that genes play a roll in the illusion we all long for.

Unfortunately my feelings associated with these comments are rooted in an abundance of insecurity wanting to loose weight to feel young to feel accepted and even though the flattery boosted my mood it also brought me sadness, as I see myself fall into the self absorbed society God so desperately wants to rescue us from, I am sure this issue will come up many times - today is just not that day.

So 40 begins no bells or whistles - sweet friends with well wishes and prayers and an abundance of love I can barely comprehend at times, every person in my life is a priceless gift from God that I treasure. I feel no different then yesterday, a surreal lament of life floods my mind at times as I contemplate my being but other then that it IS just another day, not that I really expected it to be anything else. The journey continues and as I swim now naked in my aquarium I am vulnerable but find the grace of my heavenly Father reaching out to me and cloaking me with His love. -vir

Skinny Dipping in Blogdom

Finley, I have taken the leap into the unknown - the internet aquarium called the BLOG, into the chasm we call the mind I stumble..... I admit my nervousness but on the eve of 40 this 'thing' seems appropriate. As I reflect on my life and the feelings invoked by such a milestone I feel it is time to come to terms with who I am, and who I'm not. Swimming in the fish bowl for all to see totally freaks me out - but I will press on.

in my heart its just another approaching Monday but the flooding of gray matter that is supposed to reflect some form of intellect rejects this idea and fights back that it should mean something, that I should 'BE' somewhere or someone by now?

So, I will reflect and laugh and cry and contemplate my life inside the tank, like an exhibit at sea world. Sometimes I will swim gracefully other times I will sink behind a rock in shame of the nature we call human.

Ok, don't get me wrong, I hope this will not be a melancholy reflection of life lost or self pity, but one of beauty and grace tragedy and grief, my hope is to reflect life as I stumble or fly through it week by week, month by month, year by year. Maybe during this long swim I will come to terms with truth or maybe I will try to hold on to a few lies - time will tell...

my humanness my sinfulness my life torn and broken may still mirror although dim, a reflection of my lovely creator that will burst forth into new beauty and new light as I grow ever closer to His presence.

if you decide to gaze through the glass watching the ebb and flow of the water, the colors of life floating by, the dark cold places or the sunny warm spots perfect for resting, you are welcome to do so, this should be a safe place. But if you decide to jump in, free yourself from what binds you and come for a swim, you never know who you might encounter...... vir