Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Commenting funky again....

Em

Thank you or the encouragement and the prayers good to see you Friday wish I could have hung out more I had a wicked headache. Ricardo and Marilyn’s Hot Tub has spoiled me I dream of one outside my back door with plenty of room for friends! I have decided to name the sofa mount laundry and pretend the hair on the floor from kitty friends is a new decorating idea! (

Amanda,

Hey hope your well we need to try to start walking again on Mondays hopefully things will settle down with my mom soon. Thank you for prayers and for believing I’m not crazy ~ although I would challenge that with I Sure Feel Stinkin Crazy! Stress sucks, hard to think clearly with the entire chaos guess it’s easy just to write yourself off as a total wack job?


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Storm inside

Its 4 am the storm outside is incredible thunder is amazing energy in the air hard to sleep although it would be hard anyway received a very confusing letter from the court today. The opposing counsel refused mediation I was lead to believe it was a done deal that no one would refuse it.

It convinces me more that they are trying to push this thing out of the way ASAP because they have a lot to lose. I will have to find counsel in the next three months for summery judgment and hide this knowledge from mom to protect her. Realistically it will need to happen quicker then that like in the next week! This is the craziest thing I have ever seen to have so much blatant evidence and get this kind of run around is just absurd.

I don’t know how to do this, how to trust, how to surrender, how to just let it flow and not worry as I start the never ending phone calls again? Deep in my gut I feel it so strong the urgency and righteousness of our fight I have no doubt of negligence bad faith breech of contract etc would be proved if someone would only help us. This is crazy how can this go on how can we be left destitute from the negligence of others fighting for justice only to be turned away from blind eyes and deaf ears?

So much for my naiveté but then I’m not in a “everything will work out in the end” kind of mode anymore wish I were I’ve seen too much “reality” I desire so much to believe it will be ok but only a small part of me does. My spirit has been crushed by the everyday toil of survival thankful for a roof over our heads, thankful for friends, praying we can continue to keep our noses above water just a little longer and not sure how long before the water rises the last inch ~still praying for a miracle.

This is hard!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

whining

I bailed early on HC tonight which totally bummed me out rushed to the store to get detergent sorted cloths ~ working on my second load oh what fun! So now the goal is to get all the major stuff done so I can get to bed so I can wake up at an ungodly hour.  Instead of mopping the yucky kitchen floor I sit typing listening to the garden state and wishing I could motivate myself wishing I had not left HC early.

The goal is to only see mom every other day this week and pack as many LSW meetings and dr calls in as I can to prepare for mom’s return home. Praying like crazy it is not premature praying we have all the support in place before next week. Insurance expires for her one month stay on Thanksgiving Day so I will try to find someone to help bring her home Wednesday.

Ok so… I sit frustrated tiered and wishing for hum…. a clean house, folded laundry a good bottle of wine and a hot tub lol ~ I had to add something a little exiting! Well the laundry awaits as does the dishwasher and the trash maybe if I turn the tunes up really loud and jump around a bit I will pump up the adrenalin and at least accomplish one goal for the night.



Saturday, November 05, 2005

False expectations

It just dawned on me, the reason I hurt so much, I allowed myself to hope I expected that after 4 months of investigation they must have found a way to help. How can the evil Insurance company, contractors, inspectors and lawyers get by with this it has ruined our lives.

One way not to hurt so much never ever ever ever have expectation or hope then you wont fall so hard But hey every time I hit rock bottom a whole  is blast into the bed rock I have crumbled to and we sore into oblivion again.

I want to hope I want to have good expectations but with a five year laundry list like ours how can you? I should be thankful for what we have thankful for the roof over our heads but now with what is going on with mom that may even disappear soon.

I really am pathetic, and if you are thinking of giving into my self pity party and commenting please reconsider I am well aware of the truth my heart is just too hurt listen right now. We have been beaten too long and I really don’t want to be job and I am far from cool and strong like Palmer and others that deal with life so sweetly when they face unbelievable hardship.

Everyone says have faith God will restore what the locusts has eaten, well that’s true and He has in the past but will He in our lifetime? I am selfish I want my mom back, I want the time stolen from being with our friends who died in the middle of this, I want my business or at least some little dream hoped of along the way, I want our equity in our house or the house to sell at full value and a home of our own. I want too much and have nothing to give in return.

I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith

Friday, November 04, 2005

pathetic me

I’m numb, a few min ago I cried for a few seconds I quickly shut down. I’m tiered who would ever think life could be so hard. I don’ even know why I’m writing I don’t know if I have anything to say. Just want to escape want to turn back the last 5 years wish we had never heard of CDBG for handicapped it is the most evil thing ever. its so hard to think of what we have the losses are so huge. My business our home our belongings our dignity and now the most heart wrenching ~ has my mother lost her mind?

I hurt for her more then I ever thought you could hurt, and then I hurt for me and the lost time of the past five years and wonder if it will ever be redeemed. How can people deal with loosing so very much I know we aren’t alone I just don’t know how others do it? I’m crumbling, actually I have already crumbled big pile of self pity on the floor in a heap of despair - oh what fun I am today.

It could always be worse and it could get worse at least I know no matter what God loves me even if I am pissed at Him for not jumping in here when I want Him too with the big stuff.



blogger glitch

One thing you have to do for a lot of blogs now is type in the word verification so you can prove you're not spam. Could that be the problem?

Posted by Ann to Mutterings at 11/04/2005 09:34:30 AM

I wish that was it, I can’t even do that tried to comment about Oreo on your blog it wouldn’t let me. Apparently my fire wall has blocked me from logging in and posting but I can use the Blogger publish button I installed in Word a while back so until I can figure it out.

We ALL no the spare time I have with driving back and forth 80 + min a day visiting mom hanging out at Dr. appointments dealing with rehab, staff administration and oh wait trying to walk every day and get in bed earlier so I can spend 6- 8 hrs again doing it ALL over again. I am soooooooo tiered ~ sux to be me huh?

I know, I am in rare for today still worried about mom; she seems a little better, still no sign of dementia thankfully but she is way out there at times. They ordered another UTI screen and more blood work. The new Dr said delirium but it has been a month. She is doing very well physically except for not sleeping which is a huge deal ~ they hope a few weeks sleep will help but say the older you are the longer it can take…

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Blog Comments

Blog Comments

hi I wanted to let everyone know I appreciate your comments, unfortunately until I get rid of a comp glitch I cannot respond in the comments section so…. in an attempt to be polite to the wonderful anonymous peeps perusing my crazy I will comment here (

I was looking through some blogs and stumbled upon yours. I too had my 20th year reunion last year...it is amazing how the time flies by. God tells us our life is but a vapor...how true it is.

Hi Dale welcome to my blog sorry for not responding sooner this glitch is a bit of a pain not sure how long till I can work it out.

Congrats on your 20th!  time definitely flies ~ most the time I still think I’m only 20. I totally agree life is but a vapor although 20 yrs ago I would have felt differently. It’s amazing how our lives and perspectives change as we age. One minute we think we can conquer the world because we are invincible the next we are awakened to the sweetness and frailty of life.

Feel free to visit any time hope I haven’t scare you off life has been a challenge lately and I find this blog to be a place of vulnerability as well as freedom as I walk through the madness and lean on God. oh and also let friends and strangers find out how really screwed up I am. ;)

I'm glad you were able to get a taste of, what sounds like, true Christianity. It's joyful and real, with its hope set on Jesus. He's the only perfect one and I'll be the first to say I'm not. Many times I'm a big ol hypocrite and I hate that. I hate that people might not choose Jesus because they see me. If you've not given Him a chance before, I'd encourage you--He's pretty life-changing.

Hi Anonymous

Welcome thanks for your comment – I totally, totally agree with you and contrary to the impression I give in some of my posts. I am a Christian who struggling with my own hypocrisy and that of the church. As a white bread chick from the wrong side of the tracks currently living in Middle America (oh how I wish it were middle earth ;) and disillusioned with the main stream church I get, um, let see, how should I put it, a little wordy at times.

The group I was describing in my post is 90% African American I love their passion for God I love the fact that as a culture the African American Christians I know are not ashamed of saying the name of Jesus and letting their joy be seen. Now I know that a lot of other peeps of different races that aren’t ashamed too, but, it seams sometimes that they are few and far between and when some of them say something “all godly sounding” I just want to hurl cause sometimes it just seems SO fake.

I think my post was, as usual, an attempt at kicking myself in the pants ~ trying to work through my own faith. I grew up in a toxic church filled with sour pusses, crack a smile and I was scared the pastor might think I was up to something and call me out then and there. So ya might say I am a bit jaded, oh also being a former youth minister doesn’t help any either that’s were you see all the fun volunteering is so much nicer. (

Ok, as you can see I am still struggling with a few things, guess I want people to see the love of Christ in me I want it too ooze from my pours. I want everyone to know the love of Christ I have welling inside of me so they may desire to know Christ too because it totally changes your life for the better ~ even if we all so have more then a few warts. I don’t want to stuff it in because I’m too damn cool for Christ.

Anyway be blessed Anonymous and Dale welcome to my crazy anytime.

Political Conversion





Political Conversions

Ok, for a lot of you this will be HIGHLY offensive just remember it is satire a little extreme in parts a little too close to reality in parts either way I LOL until I had tears in my eyes.

http://www.thefrown.com/player.php?/frowners/becomerepublican