Fellow tourists - pick yourselves off the floor! sorry I made you faint from shock - the crazy chick finally has something new to say …..

I Just needed to say something to keep my sanity and let everyone still brave enough to read my rantings know that I have not fallen off the side of a cliff, or hurled myself into a volcano, nor am I hitch hiking out west and I have not hopped a plane to back pack across Europe - alas my life is not as exiting as all that.

Although, I am convinced one day in the near future the last four years of my life (at least) will be turned into a horribly written melodrama for the Lifetime Movie Network, and those of you who know me well know what I think about the quality of television oozing it way into the pours of trailer trash America (no offence -- some of my family and friends live in trailers ;) and my mothers room until 2 am every stinken night of the week via Lifetime!

My only concern about our story being submitted to Lifetime is although there is a heck of a lot of drama there just isn't any violence abuse or abduction so our story may be turned down. Unless I loose it and take a machete to the house since it is once again filled with mold or maybe go out get drunk and find someone to beat up which so fits with my violent nature LOL! Don't mess with me I'm a mean ol' chick!

Ok enough of the sarcasm I find myself coping day by day as life becomes increasingly more complicated and overwhelming. Clinging to my faith and praying the nightmare will soon be over or that at least I can learn to live better within the nightmare.

Tonight my mind is stirred with concerns for everyone I know and love in Florida (and those I do not) I continue to cry out for their protection and wait on pins and needles for an e mail confirming their safety. Selfishly wanting Jim to come next weekend even if things did get sticky with the hurricane, sad his wife and the girls will not be coming with him either way- sigh....

Tonight at House church we continued our discussion about Saul and David in 1 Sam 24 the topic of Job came up as we talked about various passages and of course the comments made struck a sharp cord with me personally. At one point I just wanted to scream at everyone I love so dearly "you just don't get it!" their lives filled with struggles but so unjaded as of yet I envy them a bit...

Ok this is just my opinion I mean no offence to anyone with differing opinions I would also like to point out I have avoided reading Job lately for obvious reasons - I may need to refresh my memory a bit and read the story again.

In my opinion we seem to put Job up on a pedestal, the idea that Job was super human just doesn't gel with me and maybe in all truthfulness that was not exactly what was being expressed tonight. BTW it was a very small discussion about Job it was big to me because of what I am dealing with.

Job was rightcheaous and did not curse God does that mean he wasn't pissed off frustrated discouraged? Especially when his wife shows up at his ash pit as he mourned encouraging him to curse God and die? I would be pissed, I would have probably told her to get the heck away from me and leave me alone so I could morn and cry and scream in anguish over the hurt I had just gone through - just me and my God!

Sometimes I feel like the Judeo (sp?) Christian community expects people of faith to be superhuman I think sometimes even if we don't really believe it we compare Job to that super human mentality. I am going through hell yet my grief and losses don't even compare to Jobs and although I have no desire to curse God and die I don't feel very rightcheous. I also know that feelings and reality are not always the same.

My question is what am I called to what is "expected" of me ( gosh I hate to use that word!)How am I to respond to the crap I am going through, all pie and the sky everything is sweet and couldn't be better, it's not sweet and it could be a whole hell of a lot better couldn't it? Ok, I admit it, there are sweet things the roof over my head, my friends, my family, my critter friends, beautiful music, sunsets, and children laughing Just to name a few!

But, (don't- cha just hate the but!!!) it sucks to be me right now, could you do it non stop deaths of people you love, non stop trials, non stop health crisis for you and your family, non stop financial struggles, non stop stresses, non stop cut off notices on your door, non stop legal issues you don't understand fully, non stop negligence?

I would like to point out that I also have a non stop God who will never leave me or forsake me! And that everyone I know is going through something especially those in the path of the hurricanes - it is definitely non stop for them. And thank God I don't have cancer I can walk have a roof over my head and loving friends and family!

What I am getting at is I jut don't think life is fair sometimes it just sucks and we were never promised fair or that life that would not have challenges and although it pisses me off to hear people (myself included) whine about the trivial we just should not expect people to be all joy joy happy happy when things are rough.

I want reality I want people to know I give a shit about there lives, the blessings, the mundane, the bitter sweet, the crap that is tearing them apart. I sure as hell don't want to feel like I have to be perfect or make them feel that way either. Just as I believe Job was far from perfect yet he was still a rightchious man! I also know it is better to wake up thankful blessing your life and the day verses waking up miserable and filled with self pity. I also recognize attitudes are contagious and I would like to exude a joyful spirit even in times of adversity. I know I sound like a bundle of contradictions, but in my crazy warped world it actually makes since ;)

Clarifier

Know one at my house church expects my perfection, a cord was struck with me over one innocent sentence. This is about me and the propaganda I believe we all find ourselves inundated with from time to time it is NOT about my friends or my church placing expectations on me. I just needed to vent about the mainstream ideas of the "church" I continue to find myself in opposition to. The church of the Bible unfortunately is not reflected in many of today's churches...

Ok, my rant is over for now maybe I will sleep?

It is getting harder by the day, sometimes it feels harder by the moment I am emotionally physically and spiritually exhausted. Came home from an orientation for teaching and crashed into bed. Other then a couple of phone calls and stress of the elec company on our door to shut off electricity I have been in bed. Thankfully my mother’s need of oxygen held them off… I have never been so unproductive, never been so broke I am thankful for the roof over our heads but I know baring another miracle we will drown. I hate feeling like this, I am so tiered, I don’t mean to whine and complain or be all poor pitiful me I just don’t know how to deal with everything I am so incredibly tiered. All we can do is continue to pray and most the time I am too tiered to even so that… God please help us to cling to you and not give up hope….