Thursday, December 23, 2004

Snowed in

The snow is still falling 2 foot drifts block the doors and I have no shovel! Now this makes life interesting. The ancient one (aka for the 21.5 year old dog) and I will have a dilemma when he wakes. I fear I will have to let him get back to nature in the shower yuck!!!!!!

Still not sleeping, what else is new, ok I get 2 -3 hrs a night of inconsistent sleep but it isn’t enough. I frightened a few friends with my last entry – sorry I guess it does come off a bit disturbing, but then, I’m a little disturbed by mold hell and our futile attempts to find solution to what seems a doomed effort at times.

I do not have the emotional of physical energy at this point to catch things totally up to date in Blogdom so here is the nut shell, trust me this is the short version!

Mom is in rehab for two falls which caused her to break her tail bone and violent illness over the Thanksgiving holiday. She is at a nice nursing home, but I can’t wait to have her home – she is driving me a bit nuts. She over did her therapy about two weeks ago (because the therapist have no clue about Post Polio and mom pushed herself too hard!) and now cannot lift her legs into bed on her own. They still have a goal of release for Jan 5 but I fear it will take longer; I want her strong and home ASAP!

We have not found a lawyer due to conflict of interests at many large firms and most small firm cannot handle a case such as ours due to its complicated nature and the potential expense. We need a miracle I fear we may face bankruptcy I am a deer caught in bright headlights. Friday the large firm I thought might help us said yes but on an hourly basis. Even though they had previously told me they take “contingency” our case is so complicated and may be costly. Um this and another health insurance crisis, the loneliness of the aging and Americans lack of time and compassion for them, and being turned down for a consolidation loan because of the house spurred my last blog rant..

I have taken a needed break from house church until the after the first of the year, it is the place I need to be most, but I haven’t the energy to give and I have been too broken and distracted to receive, so…..

There is the LARGE nutshell – it is scary to think of what is missing, it is way too overwhelming to write more. Everyday I have a new crisis which keeps me from being able to deal with mold hell; I fear it will hurt us in the long run. Sometimes I am too tiered to pray and feel I have no faith left but I continue to pray and a small part of me still clings to hope that justice will be served God please let it be soon.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

LIFELESS

Sinking lifeless to the bottom of the tank watching life crumble before me with no motivation to move or be moved, existing. Self pity my only friend as water pours from my eyes and my body aches from its violence.

So lurkers beware, vague, obscure, and hidden in despair unable to find the road to freedom, the secret language of my heart poured out in cyber hell. Naked and Blind I come clothed only in shame for now, so my mutterings may confuse you at best?

The Pharisaical rule disgusts hypocrisy at its finest, to love my Beloved in all His purity I find myself in a flock of vultures their mission of glamorous intent. Mere words fall meaningless to the pit, only to be devoured by the bottom feeders as they feast on their favorite meal.

I have never been glamorous; life of the pretty involves a status never held, to associate yourself with such without parade so empty a pursuit. Had I been born with more would the vultures stop circling and picking at my flesh and embrace me into the fold?

Admittedly Blue Like Jazz in natural elements of reality holds my heart tighter then Pharisaical lusts but the pain is still their... I hope to join Daniel for a time in a quest if I am strong enough. So far only weakness consumes me, supernatural strength will be my saving grace as I press in and press on in hope of freedom redemption or maybe just life?

Pursuits in the aquarium may continue if I can will myself, less vague and more detail of the latest may find way into my cyber cell, but as I said before it is not glamorous as previous entries will confirm. The darkest places of the soul are never pretty, but then I suppose I am grateful to have one....

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

BITCHINGS

Think I will rename this blog Bitchings, Mutterings sure doesn't fit it huh... mom in hosp at my request so she can go to rehab after falling yesterday, insurance may not cover rehab so she could be back home before she is ready which is dangerous. I want her stronger so she does not hurt herself. Given up on the Pharisees, like I should have expected them to give a damn anyway. Court trials mounting have to go back to re-file stuff cause the Insurance company name was not written out properly - I don't know how to do this stuff. Finally have our case file, pretty sure our former lawyer screwed things up exponentially, the good ol' boys club prevails. No one seems to want to help due to the complications of case our best shot of help may have a conflict of interest. Our house will most likely be condemned because of the new mold - PODS only paid through end of week then back to auction threats. I am tiered dozens of distractions from cut off notices to SSA review, house is a shambles from switching furniture mountains of paper work I don’t know where to begin. If I have to ask one more time for more help I will explode! I need a break but I don’t expect to get one. Couldn't sleep last night so I watched a movie cried all through it ashamed of myself for not handling our situation better, we have so much to be thankful for. The movie was about the quadriplegic who went to Harvard Brook Ellison (SP?) - Very convicting wish I was a stronger person, but I am not.

Friday, October 22, 2004

UP TOO EARLY !

Thought I would dive into Blogdom this morning - tiered of trying to sleep my mind is busy with worry. I keep saying I will update our situation but the stress and my health are getting in the way. Sometimes it feels like I will explode if I have to talk or think about mold hell one more second. There is a part of me that just feels like this blog has become a whinny bitch fest instead of its real purpose it was created for, to be reflective or perhaps even creative as I seek purpose and hopefully draw closer to God in the process but it has been hijacked by my response to our circumstances.

Our situation seems so hopeless at times, we are not alone too many people have lost there lives, health, financial security etc you would think the powers that be would have done something by now to help insure health and safety it has to be wiser and less costly then the current system which is barbaric! We were reminded recently of how lucky we are to have coverage for water damage through our insurance company - there are those who do not. Its scary, we have coverage and we are in a fight that could take years and have lost almost everything what about the people who do not have coverage? Too many people sick dying and in despair if the government does not take a stand as they did with lead and asbestos it can only get worse. But then there will always be the corporate lawyers weighing the cost - if 1% of all manufactured cars by "hot car" roll into the world with faulty breaks that may potentially pose a hazard is it more cost effective to have a recall or pay out a few insurance premiums even if a few lives are lost? We live in a sad world were money is god and lives are cheap....

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Ranting again...

I am suffocated exhausted frustrated and then some - I have given up my whole life - it never has been or will be enough!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Sleeping Better :)

Hey swimmers just wanted to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers, the new meds I am taking at night for Endo are allowing me to sleep about three hours straight at night and it is making a HUGE difference. My usual sleep pattern is sleep one hr, wake up, toss and turn, then repeat all night so I am feeling better and more rational THANK GOD! Don't think I can put up with living with me if that were to continue anyway, just wanted to say thank you.
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Digging out of despair?

I am overwhelmed- so what else is new right? Everything seems in vein I can’t function I am tiered weary bla, bla, bla, same old story. Cant cope, cant function all my energy goes into trying to be normal in front of friends or on the phone being professional and I am failing horribly at that-- no one calls me back anyway so why bother?

Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?

My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.

I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?

So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?

I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!

Monday, September 27, 2004

Fellow tourists - pick yourselves off the floor! sorry I made you faint from shock - the crazy chick finally has something new to say …..

I Just needed to say something to keep my sanity and let everyone still brave enough to read my rantings know that I have not fallen off the side of a cliff, or hurled myself into a volcano, nor am I hitch hiking out west and I have not hopped a plane to back pack across Europe - alas my life is not as exiting as all that.

Although, I am convinced one day in the near future the last four years of my life (at least) will be turned into a horribly written melodrama for the Lifetime Movie Network, and those of you who know me well know what I think about the quality of television oozing it way into the pours of trailer trash America (no offence -- some of my family and friends live in trailers ;) and my mothers room until 2 am every stinken night of the week via Lifetime!

My only concern about our story being submitted to Lifetime is although there is a heck of a lot of drama there just isn't any violence abuse or abduction so our story may be turned down. Unless I loose it and take a machete to the house since it is once again filled with mold or maybe go out get drunk and find someone to beat up which so fits with my violent nature LOL! Don't mess with me I'm a mean ol' chick!

Ok enough of the sarcasm I find myself coping day by day as life becomes increasingly more complicated and overwhelming. Clinging to my faith and praying the nightmare will soon be over or that at least I can learn to live better within the nightmare.

Tonight my mind is stirred with concerns for everyone I know and love in Florida (and those I do not) I continue to cry out for their protection and wait on pins and needles for an e mail confirming their safety. Selfishly wanting Jim to come next weekend even if things did get sticky with the hurricane, sad his wife and the girls will not be coming with him either way- sigh....

Tonight at House church we continued our discussion about Saul and David in 1 Sam 24 the topic of Job came up as we talked about various passages and of course the comments made struck a sharp cord with me personally. At one point I just wanted to scream at everyone I love so dearly "you just don't get it!" their lives filled with struggles but so unjaded as of yet I envy them a bit...

Ok this is just my opinion I mean no offence to anyone with differing opinions I would also like to point out I have avoided reading Job lately for obvious reasons - I may need to refresh my memory a bit and read the story again.

In my opinion we seem to put Job up on a pedestal, the idea that Job was super human just doesn't gel with me and maybe in all truthfulness that was not exactly what was being expressed tonight. BTW it was a very small discussion about Job it was big to me because of what I am dealing with.

Job was rightcheaous and did not curse God does that mean he wasn't pissed off frustrated discouraged? Especially when his wife shows up at his ash pit as he mourned encouraging him to curse God and die? I would be pissed, I would have probably told her to get the heck away from me and leave me alone so I could morn and cry and scream in anguish over the hurt I had just gone through - just me and my God!

Sometimes I feel like the Judeo (sp?) Christian community expects people of faith to be superhuman I think sometimes even if we don't really believe it we compare Job to that super human mentality. I am going through hell yet my grief and losses don't even compare to Jobs and although I have no desire to curse God and die I don't feel very rightcheous. I also know that feelings and reality are not always the same.

My question is what am I called to what is "expected" of me ( gosh I hate to use that word!)How am I to respond to the crap I am going through, all pie and the sky everything is sweet and couldn't be better, it's not sweet and it could be a whole hell of a lot better couldn't it? Ok, I admit it, there are sweet things the roof over my head, my friends, my family, my critter friends, beautiful music, sunsets, and children laughing Just to name a few!

But, (don't- cha just hate the but!!!) it sucks to be me right now, could you do it non stop deaths of people you love, non stop trials, non stop health crisis for you and your family, non stop financial struggles, non stop stresses, non stop cut off notices on your door, non stop legal issues you don't understand fully, non stop negligence?

I would like to point out that I also have a non stop God who will never leave me or forsake me! And that everyone I know is going through something especially those in the path of the hurricanes - it is definitely non stop for them. And thank God I don't have cancer I can walk have a roof over my head and loving friends and family!

What I am getting at is I jut don't think life is fair sometimes it just sucks and we were never promised fair or that life that would not have challenges and although it pisses me off to hear people (myself included) whine about the trivial we just should not expect people to be all joy joy happy happy when things are rough.

I want reality I want people to know I give a shit about there lives, the blessings, the mundane, the bitter sweet, the crap that is tearing them apart. I sure as hell don't want to feel like I have to be perfect or make them feel that way either. Just as I believe Job was far from perfect yet he was still a rightchious man! I also know it is better to wake up thankful blessing your life and the day verses waking up miserable and filled with self pity. I also recognize attitudes are contagious and I would like to exude a joyful spirit even in times of adversity. I know I sound like a bundle of contradictions, but in my crazy warped world it actually makes since ;)

Clarifier

Know one at my house church expects my perfection, a cord was struck with me over one innocent sentence. This is about me and the propaganda I believe we all find ourselves inundated with from time to time it is NOT about my friends or my church placing expectations on me. I just needed to vent about the mainstream ideas of the "church" I continue to find myself in opposition to. The church of the Bible unfortunately is not reflected in many of today's churches...

Ok, my rant is over for now maybe I will sleep?

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

It is getting harder by the day, sometimes it feels harder by the moment I am emotionally physically and spiritually exhausted. Came home from an orientation for teaching and crashed into bed. Other then a couple of phone calls and stress of the elec company on our door to shut off electricity I have been in bed. Thankfully my mother’s need of oxygen held them off… I have never been so unproductive, never been so broke I am thankful for the roof over our heads but I know baring another miracle we will drown. I hate feeling like this, I am so tiered, I don’t mean to whine and complain or be all poor pitiful me I just don’t know how to deal with everything I am so incredibly tiered. All we can do is continue to pray and most the time I am too tiered to even so that… God please help us to cling to you and not give up hope….

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Chester A Garfield Sharp Aug 24 1925 - May 22 1985

The following pictures are of my dad who would have turned 79 today, it is hard for me to imagine my father being this age he was very youthful like my mom who is turning 75 and seems like she is 50 something. The photos are a priceless gift given to me many years ago by my aunt who has since passed away. I treasure the few I have of my father as a young man and pray one day I will have more.

My dad was goofy, told corny jokes, and gave great bear hugs, loved kids was sacrificial, played Hymns and Blue Grass on the mandolin and mumbled when he sang even though he had a nice voice. He embarrassed me on a regular basis loved Jesus and would spend many late nights reading the Bible. He liked to push my buttons about the KJB - he being a die hard Baptist did not like his daughter reading the other not nearly as accurate versions - I am sure he had a serious talk with God when I gave my first sermon the year after he died! LOL

he died several hours after talking to me on the phone, our ritual- I would close by saying "bye daddy I love you" and he would say "I do you too" classic response :) the day he died he never gave me a chance to say it, he told me he loved me and as I handed the phone to my mom I LOL and she teased him about it, those were the last words my dad said to me I am thankful for that.

The grief has changed over the years it is bitter sweet now filled with thanksgiving that he is not in pain or miserable because he had to retire so young. He is also free from the travesties of this world like 911 and the current war. He would have a few choice words to say about how women dress today and would probably whoop my butt for even watching extreme makeover even though I am 40! :)

We were making the transition from father daughter to father daughter and friends the year he died; I still think of him every day and miss him terribly....


My Dad in his Teens Posted by Hello

My dad lookin like a gangster :) Posted by Hello

My dad on the farm Posted by Hello

My dad on the farm Jellico Mountain TN Posted by Hello

My Dad and Les Posted by Hello

My dad & my cousin Les Posted by Hello

My dad Posted by Hello

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

INSOMNIA!

Ok, this is getting so old I need to sleep, my mind isn't so busy lately cause we have secured housing and the stress has been reduced considerably. I still worry too much but comparatively my mind is pretty quiet so why cant I stinkin sleep!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Catching up…

I talked with a real lawyer type person Friday, no voice mail no run around no telephone interview. We arranged a real face to face for Tuesday I am elated and pray this is the right person, so far it's the only one so...

Enjoyed my day of freedom Thursday, resisted the urge to run & dance naked through the house ;) - just worked, slept, did laundry and dealt with a broken water heater.

Went to one of the local tech schools Friday and finished my application for Continue ed classes, we will be teaching two aromatherapy workshops, hope it goes well and grows into more classes. The program looks promising and they have a larger Cont ed department then Miami. Found out I have to be finger printed etc, my anonymous existence on planet earth will soon cease!

Received really bad news about my last bit of funding late Fri afternoon, I was devastated had a hard time dealing. Worked myself into a frenzy for the market etc then had insomnia again and didn't fall to sleep until after 5 am - I then overslept and woke up at 10 am totally missed it, will probably burn more bridges although I pray I haven't!

Had a really good night Sat hanging with friends at Temberwolf for great concert it was SO worshipful David Crowder Band, Mercy Me, Michael W Smith it was probably one of the most relaxing worshipful times I have had in a while. I miss singing so much; I really need to try to do something no matter how bad I sound....

Went to hang with a friend for his first sermon today, he did a great job and it was fun cool to see him reaching out and touching lives. Crashed most of today too tiered from the weekend, up in time for house church which was great as always. Happy that students are coming back - sad our in depth discussions will change as time goes on.

Had a great time hanging with a friend tonight up town, lots of LOL and getting to know each other better looking forward to more relaxing nights Lord knows I need them. Now time to hopefully fall asleep - need to deal with funding issues in the morning and have a conference call for a biz venture I have been working on that baring another miracle is now lost. Time will tell, hope I can remain faithful..

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Sweet Sleep!

Things continue to move with the speed of a snail on the legal/mold hell front although I did have a productive day thanks to much needed sleep last night. Yesterday was a nightmare I hadn't slept more the 8-10 hrs in about 6 days, ended up extremely tiered vulnerable i.e. cried at the drop of a hat. Today after getting about 5 hrs sleep I am feeling so much better! It's amazing how much good sleep can make you feel - pray I can sleep again tonight. Looking forward to tomorrow - this sounds bad but my mom will be gone most of the day to a dinner theater so from morning till 3 or 4 I am a free woman I can crank up tunes etc! I love her tons but I rarely get a day just to be so I am looking forward to it.

Still amazed and grateful to have a roof over our heads, it is AMAZING that someone would do this for us; I still can't believe it at times. I fantasize about being able to help people one day in a significant way....

Tomorrow I plan to call an attorney a friend told me about today we also have a phone interview with a lawyer at 4 pm hopefully we will find someone soon who will do a great job, take the case on contingency etc.

Trying to decide if I have enough energy to go to a meteor shower party tonight, looks like it will be cold and a little cloudy but we might actually get to see a few little heavenly fireworks now all I have to do is get motivated and find some warm cloths to wear or crawl into bed and be lazy.

I keep forgetting to journal the latest happenings other then mold hell cause of the hectic nature of the past couple weeks. My friend is HOME from the hospital her surgery was a success and she is recovering. Her little friend (ok NOT so little:) Pan is now home with her and we miss her terribly, accept for the chunks of hair all over the house and yard! Two months ago we though she might die now there is hope although I continue to pray she can find the willpower to quit smoking before that takes its toll!

Monday, August 09, 2004

God is always good

It's been awhile since I have written, stress taking its toll this past week as I battled multiple migraine headaches sleeplessness and fatigue. Our blessing came in a phone call early Saturday morning I was dazed and sleepy after being up all night ill. It still seems surreal, a gift too big to fathom to large to find the words to express the full extent of what dwells in the heart.

Ok, what is this huge blessing I must try to find the words to express? A local Christian businessman bought the house we are currently living in, and paid the back rent so we would have a place to live! How do you come to terms with the magnitude of his generosity the magnitude of our God and how our prayers are always answered on time even when we think they are not being answered at all. My faith has been shaken, and I admit it still is as the events of today unfolded and now crush hard against my spirit - my human nature revealed once again.

Even so, we are not homeless, when all was lost and seemed hopeless, when we were crying out to our Lord in despair a man we have barely seen in a multitude of years stepped forward and did the unimaginable. How do we come to terms with his generosity how do we come to terms with the doubt that has been in our heart as we have cried out to our God have you forsaken us?

At first we were in shock and as the day went on joy permeated our souls and filled us with light hearts our relief indescribable. A friend’s mom took one look at me at an Open House and said you look so light, the blessing lifted our spirits lighted our load and humbled us in new ways with gratitude immeasurable.

This morning we were almost robbed of that joy, at 8:30 am a fax arrived from our former attorney notifying us our case has been dismissed. On Friday shortly after the judges clerk assured me we could share our concerns with the judge on Tuesday and ask for a continuance the judge dismissed our case. No one called there was no significant notice given, maybe it was a blessing we had two days of unbelievable hope.

Ok, its not like we don’t have hope now but we are feeling the weight of the significance of this event. We are uncertain what the judge will do, I have tried writing him a letter several times but I am at a loss as to what needs to be said. My heart too close and too devastated by the circumstances and what this means if they refuse to reopen our case.

I cannot imagine not reopening the case it is a strong one, I find it hard to believe the actions of our insurance company could be justified. I ask myself where is justice and what kind of world do we live in? I remain hopeful but the hope I felt yesterday makes today’s feelings seem insignificant. I find myself crying out again where are you God have you forsaken us? Yet yesterday all I could do is say our God is a great God! Like the children of God wandering in the desert I have too quickly forgotten who my deliver is.

We will press on, we will not give up even though we feel as David as he hid in the mountains with his enemies surrounding him, betrayed by those he loved - we will continue to believe and reach for eternal joy. But I will not lie to myself or anyone else, I am broken, hurt, lonely and desperately want to walk in freedom and see justice served. All we can ever really do is pray continue to trust and ask God to increase our faith....



Monday, August 02, 2004

Veritasian wedding II

All I can say is WOW ok, I can say more then that :) in two weeks I have seen two beautiful couples marry both totally in love with each other and Jesus. Each wedding unique and a sweet reflection of the relationship Christ longs to have with us. Erik and Christi had a simple traditional wedding and I found myself fighting back tears before Christi made it three steps into the room. The ceremony the vows beautiful and reveling the truth of there hearts.

Jason and Andrea chose to have there wedding on Saturday at the home we meet in for house church. Quiet intimate and very family oriented we all pitched in some way and it reminded me of stories I have heard about weddings hundreds if not thousands of years ago. It was touching I am sure the whole place was in tears at some point I know I was. It was sweet words seem inappropriate I think if you were there you would understand what I mean. The presence of God lay thick all around us there were times I felt I could look up and see Christ.

Two couples you cannot help but love, I look forward to watching them grow closer to each other there community and God :)

Typical Friday

Friday was a totally strange day; I have given up on anyone returning phone calls it was another day of strategizing and researching with no results to speak of. I have to believe there is a reason for this or I will go crazy maybe it is just life just the circumstances of the culture we live in. but my heart longs for a reason a delay with a greater purpose for a greater good?

I had planed to go to cinti to hang with friends but my bro and his wife ended up coming over to do laundry and have dinner with us so I changed my plans - then they showed up two hrs late! I was so pissed off it was frustrating didn’t bother to heat up there dinner either tell me your coming at 6 pm you sure as hell should be there within reason and not at 8pm, and not with some lame ass excuse about playing a stupid video game, he is not 10 years old but 42!

Friday, July 30, 2004

stressing!

Running out of Time...

Lets see what is going on, hung out with Kimmy on wed had a great time, she highlighted my hair turned out pretty good and made me feel a little better. Too bad you can’t spend an hour and take off 20 pounds! I am pretty  sure the hair experience was more traumatic for Kim then me, the whole oh my gosh what if I ruin your hair thing but hey she didn't mess it up it looks good and even if she did I would only torture her for a few measly years! :)  That girl is SO talented I think she can pretty much do anything she sets her mind too - oozes gifts and talents, I will write more about that later.

Misplaced my cell phone sometime yesterday, it is most likely set on vibrate doesn't help when I need people to call me back but I do leave my home number in messages too and always ask people to call that number first so..?

Things are still overwhelming talked to our landlord the other day he has been gracious to us in this situation but we need to give him an answer about if we are going to by the house etc. Everything is tied up in red tape I just don't know what can or will happen. We don’t have time to fool around and wait for people to call us back, but if we press too hard we end up with the crap from VLP don’t call us we will call you and its been over a month and they have not called us back. We only have a short time to find a GREAT lawyer willing to take the case on contingency because we don’t have a dime!

I am still in a depressive funk, I play the game pretty well out in public or hanging with friends but it is hard. Pretty much, at this moment I just don’t want to be around people, I am tired negative, depressed, etc. The thing we need is a solid support system an advocate because we just don’t have it in us emotionally or physically and we just don’t know enough about the legal system.

We are scheduled to meet with our friend the realtor and another guy we have known for many years about the house situation on Wednesday not sure what will happen I jut pray we can find answers this is horrible. We have talked on the phone about many options, but nothing is certain. There have been times in my life I have judged homeless people especially ones with children and have said why did they allow that to happen to them, end up living in a car or shelter etc… I had no idea how easy it is to be lost in bureaucracy, too easy to judge when you haven't walked their path.....


Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Dark Night of the Soul

This night has been the longest so far, moving at an unnaturally slow pace my heart cannot find the peace that it longs for, it is there quiet unassuming so close it brushes against me but for some reason I cannot touch it.

Only Seventeen days left, we still have no answers caught up in red tape and one of society's greatest sins - not returning phone calls. The thing is if someone called and said sorry can’t help or we don't know or can we get back to you at our convenience that would be cool, that would be respectful, that would ooze integrity instead we are stuck, not knowing which way to turn what to do what not to do.

If something does not happen in the next day or two, we have no choice but to start packing, we probably should have done this already, I have just been trying to spare my mom but now that seems in vein. The thought of calling the media comes to mind, but then I think of sensationalism and find myself uncomfortable with that but it may be our only course of action?

As I think about were we can go its overwhelming, who could or would take us in, what would we do about accessibility for my mom, who would take in or care for our 21 year old dog and the kitties. My mom cannot even stay temporarily at a nursing home because of insurance issues or we would at least have 21 days of grace after Aug 14.

The only things I do know for sure to do is pray and praise God for life and a wonderful mom and good friends. I think a lot about Job, who lost everything and mourned, covered in ashes. It dawns on me that although this was most likely a cultural as well as spiritual act that is really all there was for him to mourn and grieve in the ashes of everything earthly that was lost and to cry out to God to bring comfort.

I was talking to a friend about a really faithful guy I met a couple of years ago, a short time after that meeting his wife was diagnosed with cancer, she died last summer. His blog is filled with faith trust and peace, its not that they did not struggle or that they did not have there moments of utter despair but they had and he still has a supernatural understanding of the eternal that is hard to grasp when going through difficult seasons of life. The archives are worth reading.  http://www.livejournal.com/~palmerlp/                  ok, guess I will try to go sleep again.......                                                                             


Sunday, July 25, 2004

I called my ol' friend Pope to catch up this week he moved back home to Ohio after being in Atlanta for a couple of years. Good to catch up and LOL looking forward to a visit soon – hey babe you reading this, that means SOON or I will get out my can of Whoop Ass! :) 

This trial and trib thing is moving like molasses its frighteningly scary we just try to remind ourselves we have a God who likes to build our faith and blow us out of the water with His creativity at the last min. Two things that Pope said really stuck in my head the first was that it was like I was a leaf on a tree being shaken and that Job was so much better off after the chaos. That is the hope that whether it be practical or spiritual the journey will have been worth it and in the deepest places of my heart I believe that is true, it’s the selfish whinny part that struggles!

Found out my friend who has been ill was moved from the Cardiac ICU to a step down, she is really having a hard time recovering lots of pain and lung issues, not surprised due to the smoking. They are not sure if the surgery worked I pray it did, I can’t imagine spending the rest of your life dealing with what she has had deal with…

Went to celebrate a friends birthday and wigged out with the introvert thing I almost left a few times but I kept praying, seemed to settle down after it got dark easier to hide I suppose. I have been at social functions with these people for 2-3 years not sure exactly what happened, sometimes the hardest places to fit in are like this one good people but they are so close new peeps have a hard time connecting.

Didn't sleep well again last night filed with thoughts of anything and everything, time is running out and I am feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. My mom is really hurting and scared feeling like a burden to me her church etc it will be five weeks if the "forget" her again today she is crushed….

Looked up the OTR link for a friend and came across there new MP3 on line you have to check it out it is very impressive let me know what you think IMHO high class quality entertainment BTW  the back up vocalists ROCK! ;) http://www.overtherhine.com//////music/mp3rarity/index.html


Friday, July 23, 2004

Embarrassing but funny :)

 
Trying this again Posted by Hello

OK - I can finally see this silly picture hope I have made you all have a good LOL! I am new to this picture thing not really sure how I got this to work! Oh well C'mon LOL at my hair my cloths my gosh those earrings! :)

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Cracking myself up! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Reflective

It was a long and unproductive day not feeling well temp is 100 very fatigued and have a headache did not sleep well last night yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh well hopefully I will feel better soon I really need to beat this fatigue thing.
 
I have been reflective today about  conversations over the past few days, a close friend really challenged me by saying my mind is too busy and ya know what its true for the past year my mind is busy with worry, something I was freed from many years ago.  I will never forget being at Morning star with  Erika & the Mags, Beck and I went for prayer and this cool Messianic Jew prayed for me (us) at the time my head was filed with negativity and worry about Fibro, Endo etc.
 
He was from California and his name was David he was definitely gifted, one of the first things he prayed for me was that my mind be silenced from worry and be at peace. He then proceeded to pray for me for probably a half hour or so it was very powerful the manifest presence of God was burning hot on my hands as they trembled. That next morning when I woke up my mind was silent it was so quiet I was not bombarded by constant negative thoughts and it stayed away until mold hell I don’t ever remember it coming back until a  year or so ago….
 
So, at this point I find myself looking for that freedom once again I know it can happen I think maybe that is the currant thing to pray for that the worry to silence it takes too much energy and I suspect it to be causing most if not all the fatigue.
 
Another reflection on life a close friend of mine is having fertility problems, I grieve for her she and her husband will be great parents it’s hard to see them long for a child so much and struggle to get pregnant. Her last words to me yesterday were about how thankful she was for her husband and how she never imagined she could ever feel the way she does be loved the way she is etc it choked me up because I hear so many people say it can NEVER happen to them, not that this applies to me :) 
 
Later while chatting with a friend at 3 trees the truth bubbled close to the surface as I fought back tears. The rejection I fear as a result of Fibro and Endo the longing in my heart for unfulfilled dreams and desires wanting to sing more then anything and never being good enough. Wanting to be in theater or dance like years ago and never having the opportunities, longing to minister, to have a successful career. wondering if I am loveable or even worthy of love or for that matter can I really truly love others? Looking at the sacrifices I have made for my mom and wondering if that is the right path then quickly think what other choice have I had?
 
I don’t like who I have become in some ways, I opened a box that contained many photos and several letters I had not seen in years. They are mostly of my life in the 80’s and 90’s before Prednisone of course it seems that is how I look at the timelines of my life before and after steroids. I was so thin and kinda cute although I didn’t have a clue at the time, I don’t really think I gave much thought to those things I was a different person. I have always battled my self image and esteem but I was more confident and accepting of myself then which is scary.  I definitely know the problem existed twenty years ago but I also know it has grown worse and I have become somewhat of a reflection of the lies. I don’t want to live in the past but I would like to learn from it when I wrote I remember it was easy to see where some of my issues came from, but it is not an excuse to continue to live there! I have never been so obsessed with these issues ever in my life every waking moment my mind seems to have the potential to drift to my physical emotional and spiritual inadequacies.
 
I read a few of the letters today while resting did not really fully recognize the girl they were written too I laughed as I read my secret admirer mail from college my three closest guy friends were relentless with there flirtations and quest to help me see I was beautiful inside and out and all truly liked me for me I think love letters from my college boyfriend that although sweet and revealing should probably be thrown away. looked closely at the photos too and raised I did not recognize the girl who was not afraid of cameras who looked happy with sparkling eyes, of course this was before my diagnosis with fibro.
 
The truth is I feel sorry for myself it is  not a pretty thing I whine about my circumstances and grieve for the life I have “lost” without giving much thought to the life I have, broken as it is it is still a priceless gift. My desire to have children is not strong yet the infertility issues I have make me whine and say well if I ever got married I would at least like the choice or who the hell wants to marry a fat ugly potentially infernal chick with fibro. Self pity is a lie from the pit of hell and I have allowed the negative busy thoughts in my head to consume me. Then I think of my beautiful friend who is married and how desperately they want children and I am ashamed of my attitudes. All I can do is continue to call out to God to change my heart to help me not to drown in the lies to deliver me from the negative thoughts that have seeped into my mind.

Monday, July 19, 2004

I want my own space!

Let’s see what I have been up to… Spent Sunday morning recuperating from Sat night had lunch at Kona (YUM!) and spent the afternoon with a good friend. Picked up Joe to hang out and go to Veritas and was sweetly surprise that two of my fav peeps came to check out the Veritasian house church experience, hope they were blessed. Got an emergency call and rescued a friend with a flat tier - had to take a road trip to Hoosier Ville. Went back to Veritas too late to hang out etc on home and back up town for a crazy car ride to nowhere with a preoccupied friend - sounds terribly exciting huh?
 
Received great news about my friend who has been ill, I talked to her daughter in this morning. The surgery was Friday her mom is well but having a lot of post opp pain and discomfort, not sure if she will be going back to the nursing home to rehab or directly home. The best news is her son recommitted his life to Christ and has moved back home to live with her and hopefully help take care of her when she gets home until she is on her feet. I pray he can get the support and counsel he needs to change his life it could be a hard road. He told his sister he realized the only time he was happy and had peace in his life was when he was walking with Christ! J Even with all the trials we are going through I still can relate to that same experience.
 
On to my exiting day today business meetings this morning with potential but I just don’t have peace not sure if the offer is a wise one at this time. We will continue to explore the possibilities and see what happens, I really need discernment. My bro hooked me up with a potential biz contact so I am praying the doors open it could be a great place to wholesale with.  Made tons of phone calls when I returned home haven’t had one returned and it is now after 5 pm the questing is why am I surprised by this, you would think I would be used to it by now we really have to find a lawyer and secure housing ASAP!
 
Had a bit of a melt down about my life today I love my mom and believe I am called to live with her for this season, but there are times when I just want to live on my own. I really need my own space to be alone to hang with friends to crank up the tunes and not worry about disturbing her. Gosh sometimes I just feel like a teenager who has no real independence of her own. Maybe I need to try to house/pet sit a little bit more I do miss my little critter friends and I definitely miss the money, but I just don’t feel very reliable considering our current situation.
 
On a lighter note Pan one of my fav puppy friends who is currently living with us, has started steeling my bras yes BRAS! She likes to lick them which is totally gross Cathy said Vega does this too and that is it a deodorant thing so all you dog lovers has your dog ever licked your Bra! I await your stories with much anticipation LOL!









Sunday, July 18, 2004

Wedding Cont...

The wedding was beautiful, Christi was breathtaking and so were the bridesmaids Eric was handsome, I loved seeing the look on his face when he caught his first glimpse of Christi as her father walked her down the isle. His eyes were as big as saucers his mouth dropped - not sure if he remembered to breathe for a minute :)  It was like he was thinking WOW I get to marry her, it was nice to see there love for one another and for God. I see couples like them and think hey maybe love is real and not an illusion? Ok, I believe in love but the boy girl I love you enough to die for you or follow you to the ends of the earth thing is just too much for me to believe in sometimes. I know it exists for some just not me well at least not for a long time anyway and I doubt it ever will. The music was incredibly beautiful too many talented people all in all a great evening it went perfectly, I am so thankful God brought them together. 
 
Stopped at Borders on the way home a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket so I bought myself a CD (Reel Big Fish) and a book (By Terry Goodkind) I have been waiting to come out in paperback for what seems like forever, it was NEVER at the library, RATS!
 
Tried to keep the focus on the wedding but my mind and conversations drifted a few times to mold hell, when I finally arrived back home I walked through the door and my mom said hi, we have mail from " the court", Not a how are you, Not how was the wedding, Not did you have a nice night? – But, read this letter Now, see what we have to deal with Now, what are we going to do Now etc!  I just started crying, hell I'm still crying I just don't know how I am supposed to deal I feel so damn alone in all this!  I am so jealous of people who struggle with petty little problems what to do on a Sat night or I wonder if he/she likes me….Gosh I am so far from where I want to be with Jesus right now, I rally hate it I hate the loneliness the frustration not knowing what to do or not to do I pray we have a breakthrough soon, less then four weeks everything seems to be coming hard all at once and I fall crumbled beneath it with my hands lifted up saying please hold on to me tighter. 
  
 

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Veritasian Wedding

Getting ready for the fist ever Veritasian wedding, looking forward to it, it will be fun hopefully I can hold it together and be an encouragement and not have a pity party about my life or in some opinions lack of one. Thought I would just write a little bit cause this new blogger upgrade sux I have not been able to do much with it so here goes…?

Friday, July 16, 2004

Driving me crazy!

Ok, for some reason my post did not work it the first time it disapeared into blogger hell - from the new upgrade maybe? Well to recap - I am stressed and want to scream whish I could just get in the car and drive - go hang on a beach  or go out west and climb in the mountains and soak it all in. It seems to be the thing that constantly ocupies my mind when I have had enough financial and legal stuff so I day dream about Hawii or Jamaca or going out west to Montana then on  to the black hills and down to Colorado. Of course, I would have to vistit about a dozen of my fav peeps along the way. :) Mom is having a hard day med complications again if she isn't better soon she may have to go to the hospital, I am worried for her it just never seems to end its hard to whatch her hurt! then i am also pretty selfish and dream of my escape, she need a break to a visit to her fav peeps out west would do her a world of good as well.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Catching Up..

Still no lawyer still no answers can we sell can we buy where will we go what can we do time is running out the current runs fast and the time warp keeps me trapped nothing resolved.

Since walking at the Woods with Gina on Monday I cannot get Montana out of my mind (fantasizing a road trip :) this should not be a surprise considering our history. I do miss it the smell the peace the beauty of it all it is easy to take for granted the beauty around us when we have climbed a mountain and felt as though our next step would bring us into the presence of God, cause I am sure Montana is His fav place to visit and take a stroll :) I find myself nostalgic and thinking of my three fav guys from back in the day all living out west, maybe a few phone calls are in order one night it has been too long...

Sat on the stoop Tuesday night soaking in the most beautiful sunset created by a storm far off, the wind whipping through the trees the smell of rain wafting through the air it was amazing it was powerful wish we had had a real storm. The power of a thunderstorm is so energizing there is just nothing like it next storm I'm gonna dance in it :)

That same night I was hit hard by the reality of how far the broken will go to manipulate and try to salvage what they have lost, at first I was angered then just sad. The depths a person is willing to go to redeem what they have lost frightening. More then anything I guess it was a lesson learned not sure if any real harm was done at least for me but the misunderstandings of the broken heart will take time to heal, I pray it will come quickly and wise choices will be made.

Mom's surgery went well, they found veins that worked so she did not have to under go full anesthesia which could have brought with it time on a ventilator, so thankful she did not have to deal with that! Her mobility is much challenged I was feeding her but she managed a little lunch without much assistance and is maneuvering a little better in the wheelchair this afternoon. I had hoped to go see one of my fav bands tonight at the music fest but I am not sure if it is wise to leave her alone. Sometimes it sux to be me this is the only group I have really looked forward to seeing all summer especially since they ousted Kogge which was so not cool in my opinion!

Certified mail just delivered new info from our former lawyer the spiel familiar from other malpractice cases we read on the net filed against him I am concerned all we can do is pray. Can't even begin to express how tired I am of it all. Think I will grab the phones and head to the tub to soak in the essence of choice for today, not exactly sure what that is yet but I am thinking frivolous so maybe rose or jasmine. Wish I could ditch the phones and just escape for a little while but I can't chance missing a phone call. Well mom needs me again and my bath awaits hopefully good news will come quickly...





Monday, July 12, 2004

Busy weekend

Fabulous Bachelorette (sp?) party on Fri night Kim amazes me she is so incredibly talented the whole apartment was decorated in great detail and abfab! Great food great friends a total hit, hard to believe there will be two Veritasion weddings in the next three weeks definitely a milestone for us. Also found out Shaina was expecting she will be a great mom but wow to be 19- 20 in pregnant, I am just not old enough to have kids so I don't understand ;)!!

Went to celebrate my two fav girls from Seattle's birthdays Sat night it was great, fun friends, fireworks and great food. They are good kids I hope they bypass teenage rebellion they are really exceptional the fam has done a good job - it has been fun to watch them grow up, time is passing fast.

Went back and taught the girls how to make a simple water and oil emulsion aka lotion had fun, I think the girls did too. Unfortunately I was crying a lot Sunday I had to wait for them so I hung out and prayed under a beautiful tree. My heart still tender and tiered from the current…Pulled myself together for them but found myself more vulnerable again at Veritas I wanted to stay and pretend everything was ok but I just couldn't to be fair they don’t expect me to always have it together and they have definitely seen me at my worst! I couldn't stay my heart was too tender it would have been all about me and not the other important things going on like the upcoming weddings and house purchase for Veritas. I had to step out twice in the first half hour because I started to cry, cried on the way out and all the way home too - I was not alone another friend was having a hard night too.

I went up town to the fountains to meet a friend to distract me from the heaviness It started raining hard it would have been nice to just stay there and soak it all in. being an adult type person sux sometimes I should have I just lain down and watched the storm explode overhead and worry about wet cloths later. Ended up getting a video don't remember the name, but I laughed through the whole thing which I really needed. Escape is good but not always wise responsibilities continue to press hard against me the time to escape too short. I dread the phone calls the business meetings of the week mom's surgery is a concern that something so simple could be so..

Had a productive day for the most part lots of phone calls this morning and biz apt this afternoon that may bring potential working relationships. Mom really saved the day I guess my melt down on sat got through to her She made tons of phone calls while I was in Middletown, I was so thankful it was a blessing to have a little help. Gina and I went walking for a couple miles tonight at the woods it was great I have been slacking on the walking schedule I need to get back to six days a week. If I don't loose this stupid wait soon I feel like I will explode, it sux that the self image thing is such a battle of late not good timing with all the other stuff going on not that there is a good time to deal with it..

Great pix and a letter arrived from my fav friend and his two beautiful girls I miss them so much, don't think they could get any prettier but I know they will. That is a concern too.. thankful they have such wonderful parents. So now I procrastinate, writing in the blog trying not to think about what I must do tomorrow trying hard not to think about the self image issues trying hard not to think about how horribly written this blog is and its need for editing - not that I am very good at that either but oh well at least I am getting things out of my system..

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Let me be angary a little while

It's never enough I am never good enough and it's always something just when you think things cant possibly get worse they do. I am tiered I am tiered of being strong... we foolishly think of suffering as though it were a right of passage of a gift for the strong or faithful. I don't want to be strong and I don't want God to be strong for me, in this moment right now I need to feel this and although I know this feeling will pass soon as truth engulfs me I need to be angry I need to cry and scream I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, I just want to run away with no cares. My heart cries out for the truth that I long to drench myself in and I know will soon it's the race against time to write the anger before the truth comes.

I know it sounds crazy and it is.. maybe the past 4.5 years have made me a little crazy but I need to be mad I need to be pissed off. Pissed at our disgusting lawyer and the corporate insurance company that doesn't give a damn that any day our electric could be turned off in less then five weeks we are out on our asses with little hope of saving our house selling our house buying or renting baring a miracle that I know in my heart can happen. I want to be mad I want to be pissed off I want to hate them if only for a little while. Then the peace will come and truth will flood my soul bringing with it forgiveness. A little of the hurt will remain and too much of the despair and I will go about my life and people will say, you are so strong you are so faithful it cant get any worse then it is. And my heart will be faithful and I will agree because in my own strength I can do nothing and I know every good thing in me comes from God.

But it can get worse and it may and I will want to scream at my mother again as she constantly nags me because of her own hurt and fear and I will face life like always. But for now I want to be angry I want to scream I want to pound my fist against the wall and cry out WHY I am so tiered of phone calls so tired of reaching out in humility it all feels in vain. I need to be mad I need to let it out without restraint, if only for a little while.

Kimmy just stopped she is a blessing listening patiently as I vented, it felt good!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

I Remember

This is part of my history, the dark part I did not grow up in a large city as one would assume upon reading these memories. The events of the past have shaped my life some have made me stronger some have not. In my sleeplessness I have tried to discover the roots of my brokenness the purpose is NOT to wallow in self pity I have too much to be thankful for. Maybe this list will grow as time goes on maybe it will not this is only a small part of the first 12-14 years of my life. The other side the sweeter side will follow soon as the waters continue to stir.

I remember growing up on the wrong side of the tracks
I remember the squalor of poverty
I remember the shame and embarrassment
I remember never fitting in no matter how hard I tried
I remember that I hated being different
I remember the loneliness

I remember Tammy shoving me in front of the car her hands crashing hard into the small of my back catapulting me forward, the feel of the black top as it scuffed and burned my hands my face a foot away from the front of the green car as it screeched to a stop
I remember Ruthie locking me in her yard and later in the basement and torturing me
With her words and the tools on hand I remember her mother coming home and sending me on my way without much thought to what was really going on
I remember Melissa swinging my arm hard and my body crushing into the brick wall with the jagged pieces
I remember the 3 or was is 5 who held me down and beat me the boys heavy foot that held down my head as the others kicked as the crossing guard turned away - I chipped my tooth that day
I remember the boy who ran over me with his bike and the spoke that went straight through the side of my knee - I can still see the scar
I remember playing through the fence with Kim because I was rarely allowed in her yard
I remember hurting with pain far deeper then bruises

I remember hell fire and brimstone
I remember hating church but loving Jesus
I remember overhearing children and adults plot to keep us from youth group outings the looks on their faces and fumbled excuses when they were caught
I remember being taunted by "good" Christian kids as parents looked on - my parents clueless and forgiving
I remember not fitting in and never being good enough

I remember the boy who fathered three children by his fourteenth birthday being cornered by the police and our dog in the back yard
I remember the same boy threw a chair through our front window
I remember coming home to learn my father was attached at gun point
I remember the stalker and how scared my father was
I remember being frightened and shaken hard by the two guys in the red car on drugs getting away and running to school and having to file a police report
I remember the guy with long blond hair shooting up across the street I watched him through the front window
I remember the smell of pot wafting through our windows on warm summer nights
I remember JR and the huge garbage bag of marijuana and the girl who screamed and cried for help that night as a policeman walked down the street ignoring her
I remember living in fear

I remember being ashamed of having a handicapped parent and afraid of loosing her
I remember my dad driving himself to the hospital when he had his first heart attach and the constant worry that followed
I remember my grandmother's cancer and being by her side when she died
I remember too many funerals
I remember learning to expect the worst


Tonight I feel awful - not sure if I am sick having a panic attach or just exhausted. Physically it's hard to describe I really hate going to doctors and dealing with hospitals but if this doesn't stop soon I will have to do something.

I am tiered worn angry... Tiered of being responsible, tiered of swimming in circles wish I could just run away sometimes - well at least go on a vacation! I think of a friend too far away to help who plans her own death because she is angry that life has not gone her way and It sickens. The selfishness the emotional black mail the manipulation the guilt the lies and the despair she allows rob her of the beauty of life and it grieves me. As I contemplate life what it has and has not given I see even through the muck that it is a sweet gift. I look at the losses throughout my life especially those of the last four years, the dreams and desires of the heart unfulfilled as of yet and can honestly say it is worth it if only to step on inch closer to my God and I am thankful for that.

The PODS have been repossessed along with almost all our belongings our future dimmed by our earthly eyes. The muck at the bottom of this little experiment is murky at best. Remembering days gone by at the pet store, cleaning out the tanks with the hydro - clean all the nasty mucky stuff being sucked up off the bottom of the tank in a simple but magical plastic tube muddy yellowed putrid rocks left clean, glass sparkling like crystals. Maybe that is the process the churning of the water filtering out everything that clouds so we can see clear?

For all of you who have called, e mailed and posted asking for an update thank you I will try to do that soon your love and friendship are beyond measure - I may be broken and tiered but a pretty rich chick :)

Monday, June 28, 2004

The Notebook

Spent most of the day on the phone again today searching for solutions not one person returned a call, it was frustrating. Don't get to see the potential rental, after talking it over with my friend I realize the likelihood of it being handicapped accessible is extremely small.

Plans to go see my fav band Over the Rhine were dashed Fri night had a little pity party then decided to shrug it off and have fun with Kimmy. Spent a wonderful night with her fam at the movies and dinner. We went to see The Notebook it is probably considered a chick flick, not my fav type of movie at least not the commercial ones. This however was different, it is one of the most beautiful movies I have seen in a long time the cinematography was exceptional, the story beautiful.

It really made me think about life and love and the depths that two people can love, something I avoid thinking about too much. It was about a powerful passionate love Something I have a hard time believing in although I know it can exist from a time long ago in a land far far away lost and forgotten...

When you see a movie like this it is so easy to just chalk it us as fantasy like the happily ever after it seems serial like it could never really happen in real life. But then you see a look pass between a young couple or an older one married for 50 years and it's not so hard to believe More could be said this is just not the day to say it....

Friday, June 25, 2004

Chaotic Phone calls and Blessings

So much happened yesterday, I awoke and began to pray and had a sense it would be a difficult God spoke to my heart about trust and pressing in it was all I could do the calls began early and the chaos continued. I spent more then 6 hrs on the phone almost non stop our situation seems to have become my full time job. It started with a business crisis then on to the real-estate agent calling to say they have potential renters in town to view the house and can they come to see it in an hr - thank goodness the 24 hr law saved us we will see if they come today?

Sent out an urgent prayer request and a friend was standing at our door with a proposition from a local businessman and a potential place to move. I will most likely see it today with my tape measure in hand unfortunately it sounds like it is not handicapped accessible and would require the selling or storage of most of our belongings and of course no room for business. Gosh, I sound ungrateful I hate that it has to be so complicated every road we seem to walk down seems to be a road block so…. We need to find the right road!

A cool call came from a business associate with a contact to investigate - that was encouraging we scheduled a meeting in a couple weeks and will see where we go from there. Hopefully things will just flow and begin to move in a new direction, time will tell...

Went to hang out with a friend to escape for an hr up town at the water fountains then on to Three Tree's it was nice but there was an undercurrent of stress we are both going through and exhaustion to match. A friend used to say to me jokingly Life is a bitch and then it makes puppies :) I think we have a large litter LOL!

The water fountains were nice tonight, but because of the music festival there must have been 20-30 high school students milling about it was still nice in spite of the crowd. Little kids ran and played with no cares screaming and giggling in delight the colors of the lights making there faces glow red white and blue (except for the mutant purple one which of course is my fav! :)

I was never a fan of tearing down The Tower because of its historical elements and fond memories but I have to admit the park has become a nice place to be. I have loved the peacefulness of hanging out uptown especially by the fountains at night.

I am finally getting sleepy again up and down writing in the blog and poking on the commputer all night daylight is breaking maybe I will catch an hr or two sleep before....?

Thursday, June 24, 2004

The Never ending Blog entry :)

Last week

Started writing this several days ago thought I would bring things up to date.

Guess I need to catch up on my weekly events, not that they are so exiting but a couple cool things happened. A neat God thing happened last week, my friends dog Pan disappeared from her yard, I went into a panic calling people praying someone had taken her to the nursing home for a visit. There was nothing that could be done but wait and pray so I went uptown and hung out with two fab chicks I really like and admire had a wonderful time hanging out and laughing and sharing stories.

Ran into an old friend from trek that I had been praying for a lot and hoping to connect with it was greeted to see her and exchange numbers. She learned of the dog saga and promised to keep her eyes open, Not 5 min passed and she called asking if the dog was gold and explained she was at Pizza Hut and saw a stray I new it was her due to the proximity to my house (figured she was looking for me :) we rushed over and all I had to do was call her name and she came running!

What a relief The coolest thing was the divine connection at least that is what I call it, I suppose the cynic would say it wasn't significant just a mere coincidence, but since I don't believe in coincidence ;) makes me think about the chain of events in our lives, Jamie saw us uptown and followed us in her car so we could connect I mentioned my stress about the dog because I was on the phone with a family member trying to find out if someone had taken her.

What would have happened if we had never connected would Pan have found her way just a few houses down the street, would she have been hurt or worse. The possibility of either scenario is great the cynic in me (yes unfortunately there is one ;) could say she would have found her way to me eventually. But the person of faith in me is reminded that the lilies of the fields and birds of the air have no need of worry, so then how much more will the loving Father care for His children? A thought that needs to be permeated on my heart as I toss and turn in my bed living on little sleep and too much stress...

Went on a spontaneous trip Friendship Fri night with JD to connect with old friends and deal with a little business. As always it was a hoot and a blessing to find myself in the midst of muzzle loaders rebel flags and Native American and African traders. I am amazed by the extremes there one booth will have glass blown beads carvings or hand made native wares that blow your mind the next plastic crap and odds and ends of things with no obvious purpose. Can I hook anyone up with a velvet pic of Elvis the latter year's, or maybe a 30 foot rebel flag to announce where the party is? hehehe:)


Like the booths the people are all different and eclectic as well most have lead interesting lives with great stories to tell more then a few faced with tragedy and unhappiness and there are those who I find myself friends with who bless my life and make me laugh, more treasure hidden within the strange tapestry of a tacky little flea market in the middle of know where.

The heartbreak of friendship for me this year was a friend's confession of only drinking water coffee and B vitamins for three months she explained her process of purging toxins from the body and that I should not worry, she is not anorexic but just did not really like food anymore and was eating enough to survive! To say the least I was concerned so I told her so, she is a beautiful woman it hurt to see what she has done to herself all I can do is pray whatever is going on in her life is addressed so that she can find healing.

Back to the farmers market on sat, it was slow hopefully it will pick up as the summer continues and I will be able to continue without interruption. Slept most of the day on Saturday thank goodness it was about time not sure how much more of this insomnia thing I can handle. Had a drink with a friend at Three Trees Sat night good conversation had much fun and even ended up being challenged on multiple levels about life.

Reflective and prayerful Sunday morning soaking in the sun and listening to the birds sing then out to Huston woods for a walk on the beach and a short hike before the craziness of the day even started my responsibilities stared me in the face. Great night at Veritas also with challenging conversation I missed an event I was really looking forward too which really sux but all in all a good but tiring day.

Pissed off VLP on Monday by calling them at my moms insistence, she is just so stressed she wont let up and I worry it will hurt us is she doesn't take stock in what is at stake with the legal issues we are facing. I don't want to blame her but when she constantly nags me with her worries and have you called when will you call what is going on it not only drives me nut it puts me off guard and I make mistakes.

So to my ultimate embarrassment the pressure cooker exploded and the tears flowed while on the phone as the lawyer explained that my two other messages were annoying - so don't call me I will call you. She pretty much threw in my face that calling our lawyer like 4-6 times and leaving messages on his machine over the past 6-7 mo had most likely damaged our relationship with him.

Mind you she drilled me with questions about this and that legal issues and other info expecting me to know all the answers and understand the foreign language that the courts speak. I can't even get an update from the lawyer who wants to withdraw or a legitimate reason for him to want to do this after spending 75 hrs on the case. It make no since to me why he would choose this, I don't know what we will do if he does withdraw and tries to collect money we don't have, hopefully the volunteer part of our agreement will click in and spare us?

If I had spent 75 hrs on a case I would do everything to win that case so I could be paid, I am so nervous about this thing, something just isn't right It's the same gnawing in my spirit I had while the contractor was doing the negligent work at the house and know one would listen to us. There is more here that meets the eye hopefully that will be reviled soon all we can do is trust and believe it will all work out.

Ok, the never ending journal entry has brought me up to date my excuse is I can't sleep and working on business projects are too noisy and my mom is finely back to sleep. So if someone out there did more then skim this page, if you read every single word of this Blog we SO need to talk I'll help find you a hobby, my garage needs cleaning ;) hehehe...
well it is late or should i saw early, maybe I can catch a couple hrs of sleep before I have to be a responsible adult again?



Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Reality check

My last post was not my finest hour I look at were I have allowed this whole thing to take me and I shudder. Sometimes I am too reflective other times not reflective enough, to say what I did about the secretary far from appropriate and not my place. Even if some of the feelings associated with those comments were valid - others were not.

Fear and confusion are not cool things and they certainly do not come from God but they are the two things that best describe my current state. I have always been affirmed for my faith and strength which is both humbling and scary. The truth is I am weak any strength or faith I have at times come from God alone and are not mine but borrowed gifts from my Lord. Unfortunately, I find myself trying to do things in my own strength and it just does not work I am called to an active faith but this does not mean I should rely on my own strength to get things done.

I am realizing I must become weaker not stronger which to some will sound absolutely crazy I need to fall upon my face before my God in wholehearted surrender and allow Him to pick me up and help me to stand. I have allowed the constant pressure of this situation to weigh me down in more ways then I care to admit and it flows over into every area of my life as I battle the dreaded self pity and righteous indignation we as humans feel we deserve to boost ourselves up, I do not want these things to continue to poisoning my life!

Even though I am a person of deep thought I have always loved to laugh and play with my friends and have many silly stories that never find there way to this blog I have been asking myself why that is? I do look at this as a form of therapy for myself it's not just about being vulnerable but walking through the emotions and thoughts that find there way into my life. I would like to see a transformation over time that includes more humor more faith more belief that things will be ok. I would like to see the beliefs I have in my head saturate every corner of my heart and spill over into every area of my life including this blog.

There are things I know without a shadow of a doubt that have become too clouded by fear confusion and other negative emotions that I have given permission to. I haven't a clue how to go about doing this but I will start by placing my trust in God moment by moment hour by hour and day by day, filling my mind with His promises. I will continue to write and to pray and to seek out other believers to pray with me and try to remain humble and allow God to provide my strength...


Monday, June 21, 2004

Truth eludes me

Tossed and turned all night woke up every hour for 15-20 min before falling back to sleep mini dreams of the lawyer yelling at me which he has done before in real life hearing him say over and over you have really screwed things up calling in my dream repeatedly and getting nowhere. I keep asking myself what did we do, did I call him too much not enough is there a conflict of interest? To be honest I really can't stand the guy he is arrogant and cocky but he is good at what he does and loosing him this far in is just too much to deal with for me right now...

Maybe its Gods grace, maybe there is a conflict of interest, maybe I should have kept calling back to talk to psycho secretary and not just be satisfied with voice mail. I should not call her psycho secretary she seems nice but I just cant handle her at times and I feel bad like I should be more compassionate to her especially after her confession of contemplating suicide. I think her Catholicism is too important to her to really go through with it, but I am concerned. Should I do more then pray is it just another distraction with no substance or a distraction with substance I can do nothing about anyway?

We only have a few weeks, will God allow us to become homeless to tech us will we find a way out of this mess? There is a part of me that wants to start packing just in case I know our God will never leave us or forsake us but that does not guarantee our understanding of the process it does not mean we get everything our way.

The losses are becoming a burden I don't know how to deal with I tell myself over and over they were never mine to loose the people or the things but so far that reality barely scratches the surface of my heart. I have not heard from my closest friend in a while I tell myself I must have hurt their feelings - negativity seems to have wormed its way into my mind and I am fearful.

I feel another friendship close by slipping away and there is probably nothing I can do to change the circumstances behind that either, you cannot undo what has been said and done. I am still grieving and perhaps in my process allowing untruths to fill my mind and distract me further. I hurt, I feel alone and abandoned yet I recognize feelings and reality are often at odds - the truth should comfort me but instead eludes my heart.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Restless

Made a futile attempt at writing my weekly events for the blog and failed miserably. My mind is just not focusing I am restless, feel like I am swimming in circles. To much loss to comprehend I am fearful of more losses, not trusting with my whole heart not resting in His peace. I will get around to journaling the events of the past week soon if I can walk out of this. Tired of feeling alone through this whole thing and even though I recognize this in my head as a lie my heart has not caught up as yet....

The human condition

The past week was off the charts I am struggling and exhausted my mom is much better she went back to church today hopefully she will go back to water therapy soon. Worked on the funding thing non stop thankfully grace was given for do diligence this does not however mean I am out of the woods... New doors are opening we will see in time if I am allowed to enter not sure I am up for the wait patients seems to eludes my life currently.

Foremost on my mind of late is the human condition and how what we say and do can greatly affect those around us whether that being for good or ill; There are some things that can never be taken back. I am not sure were this leaves us, humbled hopefully and more aware of our humanness, maybe the hope is to give grace where it is needed and to find humor in this condition if it can be found. Maybe I will write more on this later....?

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Life

Mom sick all day today, I spent the day on the phone playing phone tag with doctor’s legal aid and fed funding reps. Worried about mom, questioning her release from the hospital. Questioning the layers withdraw from mold hell, what did we do what didn’t we do what WILL we do? Anxious about the hearing confused depressed, not productive, not sleeping - I hate this!

Something’s got to give, we need a miracle we need direction we need to learn the lesson and move on. Time seems to speed forward we are caught in a vortex nothing is really happening or getting done. At times I envy those who seem to have everything together there lives touched by simplicity everything at there fingertips the only stress what to wear or where to send the kids to school next year, not that I personally know any of these charmed souls LOL! Maybe they are fiction too maybe they don’t really exist, another elusion to distract us from reality and turn us from truth?

My friend entered a nursing home while my mom was in the hospital, the biopsy negative her first order of business, take off the damn patch and start smoking again! Gods grace was poured upon her once again and she spit at it, I hate her a little for that but in the same breath I recant and realize I cannot hate her but I desperately want to... Maybe that would make it easier, hate her for her destructive tendencies I don’t want to watch her do this, do we blame it on addiction or the choice - should we blame at all?

Her family thinks I am over reacting maybe I am but it just doesn’t seem right to continue and know the benign tumor could become cancer in her throat at any moment! What brings a person to self destruction to self hatred what does it take to value the life we have with all its cruelty and beauty? A friend told me once I had too many friends and loved too deeply the numbers have dwindled considerably in the end who will be left?

Explanations

Thankfully after a 9 day hospital stay my mother returned home yesterday, clutter rambling in my mind has been fidgeting, now it has the freedom to escape.

About misconceptions, sorry I gave the wrong impression, thankful three loving friends called, thankful I could say no my mom is alive and well! Pink was about Jane, I rented Calendar Girls to take my mind off the struggles of late. Somewhere in the middle I broke down and sobbed, crying harder then what seemed forever raw emotions crashing hard against the surface like a title wave. The grief that needed to escape after being trapped in the post trauma of rapid fire events of the last few years finally freed from its cage.

If I were to think too much about what I write in this Aquarium nothing would be said, although a detail person I find that cryptic becomes the flow as I process in blogdom. I try not to edit other then the occasional typo or spell check if I were to think too much edit too much my heart would not be bare and this skinny dipping experiment would be over.

There are days I just get down right wiggy and think oh my gosh friends and strangers are reading this BLOG the temptation follows delete the whole thing and hide in a cave for a few years? Even so, my commitment to the nakedness remains strong not all post are connected, not all thoughts make sense, not all emotions are pure, and not all bloggers like being naked and pressed against the glass...



Monday, June 07, 2004

Misconceptions....

Doris is ALIVE and Well, her daughter on the other hand needs to place strange thoughts in context.... I will explain later :)

Saturday, June 05, 2004

PINK

I will wear pink, actually fuchsia and praise God for life and love and humor I will watch British comedy like Calendar Girls and exalt the almighty for the life that was yours and I will morn your passing and be thankful for your life. I will choose not to dwell on the past and the lives yet to loose or new lives that were never mine to loose anyway. I will choose solitude and love over the alternative :)

Hospitals

It’s my mom this time, I hate hospitals I am tiered I am scared, just when you think the tears have come they cease. I love her so much and hate to see her hurt I hate my self absorbed attitudes of who will take care of me etc. she is my family she is my friend she is the best mom I could have asked for. Like dad she is too good for this world but I want her here longer. I don’t know what to do I am so overwhelmed and feel so alone at least I know that is a lie…..

Friday, June 04, 2004

The Fantasy Cont....

Writing too much crap in this blog of late, but I wanted to continue the vacation fantasy - maybe I need too in order to keep my sanity. Ok I have already decided the vacation will include a beach a book and good music but it should also be in or near a spa. I am thinking full body massage daily, a sea weed wrap to flush out the toxins, um and a little too much water weight :) heck a whole makeover would be nice to... The idea, come back totally refreshed, relaxed and more confident, Hey maybe a fat farm to loose 20 pounds, LOL! It sounds like a nice fantasy but rally any trip away from the madness would help. Still fantasizing about that European trip occasionally or any other exciting place off this continent and away from stress, hey I can justify frivolity in the midst of financial ruin - just try me :)


Twenty Cans of Success & Who I Am in Christ

In an attempt to end the melancholy crap I keep struggling with I thought I would copy a couple of positives that keep me a float, need to read them more often!


Twenty Cans of Success

1 Why should I say I can't when the Bible says I can do all
things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians
4:13)?

2 Why should I lack when I know that God shall supply all my
needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:19)?

3 Why should I fear when the Bible says God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Timothy 1:7)?

4 Why should I lack faith to fulfill my calling, knowing that God has allotted to me a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)?

5 Why should I be weak when the Bible says that the Lord is the strength of my life and that I will display strength and take action because I know God (Psalm 27:1; Daniel 11:32)?

6 Why should I allow Satan supremacy over my life when He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4)?

7 Why should I accept defeat when the Bible says that God
always leads me in triumph (2 Corinthians 2:14)?

8 Why should I lack wisdom when Christ became wisdom to me from God and God gives wisdom to me generously when I ask Him for it (1 Corinthians 1:30; James 1:5)?

9 Why should I be depressed when I can recall to mind God's
lovingkindness, compassion and faithfulness, and have hope
(Lamentations 3:21-23)?

10 Why should I worry and fret when I can cast all my anxiety on Christ who cares for me (1 Peter 5:7)?

11 Why should I ever be in bondage knowing that there is liberty where the Spirit of the Lord is (2 Corinthians 3:17)?

12 Why should I feel condemned when the Bible says I am not
condemned because I am in Christ (Romans 8:1)?

13 Why should I feel alone when Jesus said He is with me always and He will never leave me nor forsake me (Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5)?

14 Why should I feel accursed or that I am the victim of bad
luck when the Bible says that Christ redeemed me from the
curse of the law that I might receive His Spirit(Galatians
3:13, 14)?

15 Why should I be discontented when I, like Paul, can learn to be content in all my circumstances (Philippians 4:11)?

16 Why should I feel worthless when Christ became sin on my
behalf that I might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21)?

17 Why should I have a persecution complex knowing that nobody can be against me when God is for me (Romans 8:31)?

18 Why should I be confused when God is the author of peace and He gives me knowledge through his indwelling Spirit (1 Corinthians 14:33; 2:12)?

19 Why should I feel like a failure when I am a conqueror in all things through Christ (Romans 8:37)?

20 Why should I let the pressures of life bother me when I can take courage knowing that Jesus has overcome the world and its tribulations (John 16:33)?



Who i am in Christ


I am accepted...

John 1:12 I am God's child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Rom. 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Cor. 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Cor. 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Cor. 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.
Eph. 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Col. 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Col. 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Heb. 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.

I am secure...

Rom. 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Rom. 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Rom. 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Cor. 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Col. 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Phil. 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Phil. 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Tim. 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God, and the evil one cannot harm me [beyond what God may allow].

I am significant...

John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Cor. 3:16 I am God's temple.
2 Cor. 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Eph. 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Eph. 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
Eph. 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Phil. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Dr. Neil T Anderson, Freedom in Christ and Harvest House Publishers

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Ramblings of a Procrastinator

Spent today NOT calling the hospital wanted too so bad she was supposed to have a biopsy today hope it went well, hope she doesn't feel abandoned also wish she had a phone in her room. The nurses don't like it when people call cause of the ICU and bureaucracy thing. Just prayed a lot and trusted God all we can ever do, but it helps to hear her voice and to see her.

Made a very small dent today in business chaos, hopefully I will do better tomorrow I have really let things get behind, all I can do is keep plugging away.. went up town to the music festival for about an hour it was pretty good but I was too tiered to really enjoy it. Talked to Jen on the phone and was silly with Hannah taught her a fav song written by the talented pre teen band the Millroses it's a nose picking song, the Milroses (SP?) would be proud, Jen regrets handing HB the phone LOL ! ;)

Received an E mail tonight from one of my dad's brothers, he seems like a good man but I really don't know him - he likes to send forwards sense we connected at my aunt's funeral. The E mail was a forward from a cousin not sure which one - there are tons of them and I have only seen a couple of them out side my fathers oldest brothers children (that's a mouthful:) in the last 19 years.

The forward contained a picture of my great aunt, and another young woman - haven't a clue who she is probably one of the cousins, second cousin? There is definitely a family resemblance. My great aunt is the last real family link we have, my grandmother's sister, my dad's brothers have not ever really been a part of our lives which has tryed to tare me up inside for years, but it is out of my control and too much to worry about at this point in my life.

One of the uncles called my mom a couple of years ago then sent a Christmas card - we were in shock he called again a few months later to hit us up to buy my dad's mandolin the only thing out side of God and his family my father treasured. Needless to say my uncle is not its new owner, we could never bare to part with it it means too much to us. We have not heard from him since, I am not saying the uncles are bad people, I just don't know them and think its strange that families become disconnected, maybe they feel we rejected or disconnected from them, who knows...?

Anyway, the picture is like gold to me, more meaningful then they probably realize since I am so family and historically oriented. I cried when I opened it, actually thankful I could open it most of the e mail my uncle sends is illegible due to computer conflicts of some sort. My great aunt looked beautiful and so much like the picture of my grandmother I have (only have one) they could have been twins,she must be close to 90 years old by now.

My aunt who died recently was so sweet she would call my mom all the time, they would reminisce about old times and she would tell story's of my great aunt and how tough she is. I really admire her spunk, and never thought I would hear about her again, I have not seen her since I was about 7 years old. My mom has called her a few times throughout the years but her number was lost in mold hell, I don't even know her last name or her maiden name either.

Maybe one day I will see her again and annoy her with tons of my silly questions about my grandparents, my father, and about growing up in the mountains of coal mining country. Every time I have traveled through Jellico it has been late night, they used to have pictures of the coal minors in the Arby's restaurant/gas station I was convinced my grandfather was in one of the group shots. They are gone now, the attendant said they may have been donated to the library, would be fun to track down info and see if I was right and connect with my roots a little...