Life

Mom sick all day today, I spent the day on the phone playing phone tag with doctor’s legal aid and fed funding reps. Worried about mom, questioning her release from the hospital. Questioning the layers withdraw from mold hell, what did we do what didn’t we do what WILL we do? Anxious about the hearing confused depressed, not productive, not sleeping - I hate this!

Something’s got to give, we need a miracle we need direction we need to learn the lesson and move on. Time seems to speed forward we are caught in a vortex nothing is really happening or getting done. At times I envy those who seem to have everything together there lives touched by simplicity everything at there fingertips the only stress what to wear or where to send the kids to school next year, not that I personally know any of these charmed souls LOL! Maybe they are fiction too maybe they don’t really exist, another elusion to distract us from reality and turn us from truth?

My friend entered a nursing home while my mom was in the hospital, the biopsy negative her first order of business, take off the damn patch and start smoking again! Gods grace was poured upon her once again and she spit at it, I hate her a little for that but in the same breath I recant and realize I cannot hate her but I desperately want to... Maybe that would make it easier, hate her for her destructive tendencies I don’t want to watch her do this, do we blame it on addiction or the choice - should we blame at all?

Her family thinks I am over reacting maybe I am but it just doesn’t seem right to continue and know the benign tumor could become cancer in her throat at any moment! What brings a person to self destruction to self hatred what does it take to value the life we have with all its cruelty and beauty? A friend told me once I had too many friends and loved too deeply the numbers have dwindled considerably in the end who will be left?