Tossed and turned all night woke up every hour for 15-20 min before falling back to sleep mini dreams of the lawyer yelling at me which he has done before in real life hearing him say over and over you have really screwed things up calling in my dream repeatedly and getting nowhere. I keep asking myself what did we do, did I call him too much not enough is there a conflict of interest? To be honest I really can't stand the guy he is arrogant and cocky but he is good at what he does and loosing him this far in is just too much to deal with for me right now...
Maybe its Gods grace, maybe there is a conflict of interest, maybe I should have kept calling back to talk to psycho secretary and not just be satisfied with voice mail. I should not call her psycho secretary she seems nice but I just cant handle her at times and I feel bad like I should be more compassionate to her especially after her confession of contemplating suicide. I think her Catholicism is too important to her to really go through with it, but I am concerned. Should I do more then pray is it just another distraction with no substance or a distraction with substance I can do nothing about anyway?
We only have a few weeks, will God allow us to become homeless to tech us will we find a way out of this mess? There is a part of me that wants to start packing just in case I know our God will never leave us or forsake us but that does not guarantee our understanding of the process it does not mean we get everything our way.
The losses are becoming a burden I don't know how to deal with I tell myself over and over they were never mine to loose the people or the things but so far that reality barely scratches the surface of my heart. I have not heard from my closest friend in a while I tell myself I must have hurt their feelings - negativity seems to have wormed its way into my mind and I am fearful.
I feel another friendship close by slipping away and there is probably nothing I can do to change the circumstances behind that either, you cannot undo what has been said and done. I am still grieving and perhaps in my process allowing untruths to fill my mind and distract me further. I hurt, I feel alone and abandoned yet I recognize feelings and reality are often at odds - the truth should comfort me but instead eludes my heart.
An in-depth exploration into the chasm of the mind and spirit of a slightly broken creature known as vir. An event destined to take place on the eve of 40 when life supposedly begins? let the experiment commence...
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About Me
- vir
- Oxford, Ohio, United States
- Seeker of Truth, Aroma Engineer, Occasionally Bare Blog Aquarium Swimmer.
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The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry. It can only persuade itself of this by lying. - Simone Weil
8 comments:
Hi, Vir, sorry I haven't been in touch for a while. I know you have a lot of close friends but you are really MY closest friend (to be quite honest you have more friends than I do, and I'm fine with that!)...so know that you're very important to me, and I'm thinking of you. Been extremely busy with work but negligent in what's really important- our friendship. I'll try to call you later-
Ann
PS who knows why your lawyer dropped you, it could have absolutely NOTHING to do with you whatsoever, a personal thing of his own. I've been through this myself with a couple of judges and police that didn't help me when I was raped and for years I wondered what did I do? Where did I go wrong? They could have helped me but they didn't- why? And so the guy escaped from justice- so- then I realized that my obsessing over it was definitely a symptom of depression, because AFTER I came out of depression and did not obsess over it any longer, I realized that obsessing over it TOO long is a symptom of depression. For a while this will be normal but if it goes on too long, that's what it is. You have to realize that objectively this guy has a ton of other things going on in his life, excuse my languages but shit you don't even know about, in his personal life, he thinks he can't do it. I mean it's not normal for a lawyer to walk away from a good opportunity to make money unless he's got a really good reason, and even if he can't stand you the prospect of making money will override that, so it MUST be something else, it isn't you. OK?
Ann, no our friendship is fine I hope.... I have missed you and tried to call a couple of times to talk about things that I know you would understand, BTW you are one of my closest and oldest friends too!
Unfortunately I learned today that most likely I am to blame for the lawyers withdraw, not an easy thing too live with. Give me a call to chat maybe we coukd go to Starbucks or out for a glass of wine, or in your case coffee and booze :)?
Virgi,
I dont know all the goings on or what I can do to comfort you. But know that I am praying for you all the time and wish and pray that thing work out and will be shown to you soon so that you dont have to worry so much.
hope to see you soon
-amanda
Heyas Vir,
About the lawyer, I once totally screwed up and alienated a lawyer I really needed (best in his field for what we were trying to do) because after giving us some preliminary advice he seemed to fall off the face of the planet when our world was falling apart. After a month of no contact I wrote him this pissy email where I accused him of breaking the legal code of his state (Virginia) and that I could sue if I wanted but I just wanted his help. (I still think I was right about that based on the circumstances BUT...end result is he dumped our case and it didn't help me any!).
My point is the situation I was in, it worked out. I think you need a lawyer more than I did in reality so I don't want it to work out that you don't HAVE one, but if you did somehow cause this last one to dump you, so be it. You don't have a situation like I was in (getting Ken out of the Navy) where only a few lawyers are able. You have a negligence issue with your house. Lots of lawyers out there can help you deal!!
Find one that fits you better, this lawyer you had was giving you nightmares all along. Things will go more smoothly and I hope they go more smoothly for you soon.
Don't forget to tell me about Friendship in September, bad girl ;). Talk to you soon! (oh yeah and I'll get the craft fair info to you this week...I've been really busy away from the computer for a few days).
--Shana
Amanda,
Thank you tons for your prayers and encouragement, I so don't want to worry either but I think God will maybe not let this thing totally work out until I learn how to not worry while the hellish crap is going on -- that totally sux! You continue to be on my mind as well -- will you get to come back to visit before school starts, we miss you! let me know ? :)
Shana,
Thank you so much for your insight, I spent a large part of last night not sleeping and praying through some of the things you have mentioned :)
I am not going to rush into any decision about what to do yet but take a few days to really meditate and pray hard about the next step hopefully I can make a wise decision...Thanks again,
Love you both:)
Virgi,
Hang in there girl! I wish I could say that I knew even remotely how you felt, but I have never been in the exact situation you have been in, so it is hard for me to say that and truly mean it... But that doesn't mean that I cannot be there for you... so please do not hesitate to call me and pray with me over the phone. I mean, we were in CS together and prayed together throught the spring. I am always here for you to pray with or just listen as you share. Don't ever hesitate to give me a call!
I'm not sure what is up with this lawyer as well, but maybe there is something God is doing through this. That is where divine discernment comes in... when we are unaware of why something is happening, and we get the Godly wisdom as to why. Could it be that God has someone else in mind to take over? Or could it be that He is wanting to see if you will totally rely on Him when all the chips are down? Could He want to see your wholehearted devotion to Him? The worries dissapate? Although, not that I am saying this is so easy to just stop worrying, b/c I have done my fair share of that myself...Right now, it seems only God knows what is going on.... but I will pray for insight and pray He gives you insight... one thing John Bevere mentions is praying in tonuges and then asking God for interpretation of that, and so maybe as you are praying in tonuges, well I wonder if you might not be interceeding for you and your mom? It is just a thought, but then God may not choose to operate that way for you. Regardless, I do think that this whole experience is doing something for you... I mean at the end, I can see growth through it all. You are uncertain what is going on, but nonetheless, you pray and plow forward. And it seems you are even ready to take all necessary steps in case you are forced on the street... as I type this, the story of Abraham and Isaac comes to my mind. God told him to sacrafice Isaac and it says I believe that "EARLY the next morning he went out..." (meaning he was obedient and did NOT delay in carrying out God's instructions) He was tying Isaac up and just about ready to sacrafice him, (I mean he went through ALL the necessary actions, and did not tie him up but then say, "well, let me just rethink all this... am I crazy? Did I really hear right?!" No, he does everything, fully ready to sacrafice... he does not waver, does not change his mind. He would let nothing stop him. God sees if he will go through with it, and as you know, just as he is about go, an angel of the Lord appears and tells him not to hurt the lad.... and then he finds an animal in the thicket (sp?) But it was like God was testing him to see, would he truly go through with it. And when He saw that he was going to go through with it, then He provided a way out. And listen to what the angel of the Lord says to him: "Do not lay a hand on the boy, he said. Now I know that you fear God, b/c you have NOT withheld from me your son, your only son." (Genesis 22:12) Then Abraham finds a ram in the thickets and he calls the place "The Lord Will Provide" or Jehovah Jirah.
I love that story! I mean first it shows Abraham's true obedience to God and fear of Him. And second, at first it seems, where is God in all this, why would He have me do this? Sacrafice my everything, for him? Give up my greatest pride and joy...? But nonetheless, he goes thru with the act, figuring, there must be a reason even if I don't understand it or see what that reason is. He obeys, he fears God... and lo and behold, at just the right time, (I mean what seems the very last second... notice it is not while on the journey to the mt. to sacrafice Isaac, it is right as Abraham is about to do the act) God intervenes... Now Abraham could have thought all the way up, what is the deal, come on now, and who knows what he thought, but the point is, he NEVER gave up, NEVER gave in to any of those possible thoughts such as "this is crazy, I have no clue why God would do this, I'm turning around, Isaac's too impt to me! He keeps on the journey.... that is very significant. And he is ready and willing to do whatever it takes b/c God is MORE impt. to him than anything else... yes, even more impt. than his son...even if he has no clue why he is doing this, he must know there is some greater good in it all....
Anyway, those thoughts just came to me, and maybe you can apply them in some way to your situation?! I will keep praying for ya girl, and hopefully you and I can talk soon. Thanks for keeping me posted and please continue to do so! I love you bunches sweetie!!! Remember, God is YOUR Jehovah Jirah and no matter what happens, He will NEVER ever, ever, ever leave you or forsake you!!
Love,
EM =D <><
Em,
you are amazing your insight as always refreshing I have read your post several times and I agree with you I know God has a plan and I need to press into Him as I pray and rest in the knowledge He has wrapped His arms around me and wants to comfort me and give me His peace.
I am reminded of the psalms that says our tears are so valuable (precious) to God he stores them in veils - the literalist would say dag-on He must have thousands of little bottles with your name on it! :) hehehe
I would like to comment on your first sentence, you say you would like to know what I am going through I am SO SO glad you don't, and I hope and pray you never go through anything close to this in your lifetime if I considered myself a person with enemies I would sill not want this for them!
Thank you for your prayers and your friendship you are a diamond in His treasure chest :)
love you,
vir
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