My last post was not my finest hour I look at were I have allowed this whole thing to take me and I shudder. Sometimes I am too reflective other times not reflective enough, to say what I did about the secretary far from appropriate and not my place. Even if some of the feelings associated with those comments were valid - others were not.
Fear and confusion are not cool things and they certainly do not come from God but they are the two things that best describe my current state. I have always been affirmed for my faith and strength which is both humbling and scary. The truth is I am weak any strength or faith I have at times come from God alone and are not mine but borrowed gifts from my Lord. Unfortunately, I find myself trying to do things in my own strength and it just does not work I am called to an active faith but this does not mean I should rely on my own strength to get things done.
I am realizing I must become weaker not stronger which to some will sound absolutely crazy I need to fall upon my face before my God in wholehearted surrender and allow Him to pick me up and help me to stand. I have allowed the constant pressure of this situation to weigh me down in more ways then I care to admit and it flows over into every area of my life as I battle the dreaded self pity and righteous indignation we as humans feel we deserve to boost ourselves up, I do not want these things to continue to poisoning my life!
Even though I am a person of deep thought I have always loved to laugh and play with my friends and have many silly stories that never find there way to this blog I have been asking myself why that is? I do look at this as a form of therapy for myself it's not just about being vulnerable but walking through the emotions and thoughts that find there way into my life. I would like to see a transformation over time that includes more humor more faith more belief that things will be ok. I would like to see the beliefs I have in my head saturate every corner of my heart and spill over into every area of my life including this blog.
There are things I know without a shadow of a doubt that have become too clouded by fear confusion and other negative emotions that I have given permission to. I haven't a clue how to go about doing this but I will start by placing my trust in God moment by moment hour by hour and day by day, filling my mind with His promises. I will continue to write and to pray and to seek out other believers to pray with me and try to remain humble and allow God to provide my strength...
An in-depth exploration into the chasm of the mind and spirit of a slightly broken creature known as vir. An event destined to take place on the eve of 40 when life supposedly begins? let the experiment commence...
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- vir
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- Seeker of Truth, Aroma Engineer, Occasionally Bare Blog Aquarium Swimmer.
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9 comments:
Virgi,
Please see my post for your last entry on Monday... if you have not read that yet, please do not read any more of this post and go directly to the comment for Monday's post... I will give you time...............
still giving you time...............................
even more time...................................... =D
Ok, Ihope you read the other post cuz' now I will post on today's thoughts...
first of all, if you need to get things off your mind onto this blog then so be it. I know you want to me more silly and all, and that is great, but you have to go with how you are feeling. And you needen't apologize for keeping your blogs as such. I like the fact that you can be open and not so "keeping things to yourself, more of a crytpic blogger..." that is not a bad thing to share your heart. I believe that God loves that when you are real with Him as well. He already knows everything, so there is no need to sugar coat prayers.... but then I am sure you are doing your share of lifting cries up to Him!
I heard someone say once that sometimes the most benefical prayers in times of need is just "HELP!" Notice that there was no fancy words or prayers there, just one word, one single, teeny, tiny word, yet jam packed with a ton of stuff! HELP! That can surely get God's attention!
You are right about needing to be weak and allowing Him to be strong! That is the key that we all need to realize. I love what 2 Corin. 12:8-10 says ..... My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made PERFECT in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly abotu my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am WEAK, then I am STRONG." (Emphasis mine) And of course, you are facing some of those very things that Paul mentions. But what is so cool is that God's promise to us is that in our weaknesses, HE makes us strong! You are right in saying we CANNOT do it in our own human strength... but so many of us try to, myself included. We hand things over to God, saying, "Here, you have this" and then sometime later, we reach back up and grab it again saying, "I think I better hold onto this". We then start trying to run the race in our own strength, soon to find out that we are tiring... and way to quickly I might add. We are out of breath, huffing and puffing, "I can't go on, this is impossible. I need you God" We then fall over in exhaustion and the Father, overhearing us says, "Of course you cannot go on my Dear Child, you were trying to run that race all on your own. And you are right it is me you need. You had not the strength of your Daddy going with you..." and then the Father picks you up, and carries you in His arms for the rest of the journey.
Girl, I see you tiring out, and way too quickly I might add. But, falling on your face in utter desperation for Him is the right thing to do! He will pick you up and carry you as only our Daddy can do! So, rejoice in your weaknesses, and lean on Jesus for this journey you are on.
As for the thoughts on the secertary etc. I know this is hard. I find myself struggling with thoughts at times... I mean this is not the same thing, but yesterday someone cut me off on the road, and then turned RIGHT at a red light when he was not in the curb lane! I got so hot for a second and wanted to lay on my horn. What right does that buddy think he has cutting me off and turning on a red light in the wrong lane? And then I was reminded how I was pitying someone who said they held a grudge for 4 years on someone! I thought, my getting hot at that driver is no better than that other person holding a grudge for 4 years! And what right do I have getting hopping mad at the guy? What good will that do? I thought how I had been praying to be more Christ-like and worshipful all day, but wondered, was that truly showing Christ? If I had blarred my horn and then by some chance saw the guy elsewhere in a store or something, and what if he found out I was Christian? I mean this is probably not likely, but I am taking it a stretch just to make a point. What would he think? Not that he should judge me and be all like, "you really aren't a christian b/c you blarred your horn at me all mad and all..." but at the same time, I would want him to see me as Godly, and set-apart and wow, she could have done this to me, but didn't...God calls us to love EVERYONE, not just the nice ones, or the ones we call our friends and family or whatever. That is def. not always easy to do, but we are instructed to do it. It is not, "well, if you feel like it, do this, but no, do this!" I then think of how EVERYTIME I mess up, I confess, repent etc. and GOd is there to pick me right back up, dust me off, and so ready to pour out His unconditional love to me... I want to carry God's love to others, want others to see me as one who shares the love of God, who embodies the love of God... but as I said, I still struggle with this, and sometimes it is daily for me that I am praying that prayer in the Shattering Strongholds book about "Lord we both know I am offended right now..." I mean I had to do that at work yesterday. It's not easy, but we are called to do it, and in the end, it will be so worth it. That is where God's strength comes in though and we pray to God daily, HELP! I cannot do it alone! I need You! So, maybe in those times, pull out the prayer from the book, and pray that and just lift the situations up to God. They may not be the nicest people, or most Godly or even conduct business properly, but we must remember that ONLY God can put them in the position they are in, and God knows why He has done it, and there are reasons, and He is WELL AWARE that they may not be conducting business properly, but He will handle that, and that is not our job... (not that you feel it is your job... just stuff I have learned thru John Bevere's books on Undercover and Bait of Satan which I recc!!) I am more or less preachin' to myself here as well, as things that have gone on recently for me....
So anyway, hang in there, and do not despair when these things come to your mind, but I think as soon as that happens, it is good to take those thoughts captive... listen to what 2 Corin. 10: 3- says... "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."
Anyway, again, might I reinforce what I said earlier, hang in there, and know that God is there, He is SO FOR you and loves you more than you could ever know! I am here as well and love you oodles and oodles too!! Call me and we can talk! Lot's of love to you!!
EM =D <><
I'm not saying anything about how you're strong without this god idea because I'm in a super minority here *grin*
Take no offense, you must admit this post and the comment following might get an atheist dizzy. :)
--Shana
Shana,
I will comment to your post first ;)
Yep I was thinking of you and a few other people who read my blog while reading Em's post wondering what your responses would be.
I love the fact that we are friends and that you and my other friends of varying religious beliefs accept me, Em is an awesome insightful woman that I respect who really blesses my life, and so are you even though your beliefs are different :)
Ya know what your right, I am a strong person but I have learned in weakness my God is my strength and I rise above all other expectations when I rest in Him. I know it is hard for an atheist to get but that is what I believe and have found true in my life and in my faith. Glad you weren't too scared off LOL!
BTW if you spin around while reading this post over and over you will see bigger stars hehehe
Love you,
vir
Shana,
No offense is taken by your comments.... if I didn't believe in God then I'd probably think the same... you know, it would seem kinda weird to me... I respect you for being so open...not everyone is. Have a blessed day!
Emily :-) <><
Vir I was thinking about you today and you remind me of Jesus talking about the woman who was in a bad legal situation and the judge kept ignoring her pleas for justice until he finally just got tired of hearing her and granted her request, and that Jesus said if even a bad judge finally listens, then how much more God, who is just, will listen to your cries. He's not a corrupt judge but a loving God. PS you want a kitten? Hm?
PS Em though I haven't met you I did read your comments, and I just want to say, if you were mad at the guy who cut you off, irritated, don't say you shouldn't feel irritated and mad- we feel what we feel- irritation included- I think you're right that we need to control our REACTIONS, but our feelings...we feel anger, irritation, etc. because they are human feelings. We're not (and I don't think God expects us to be) super wonderful and nice and great to everyone all the time. My opinion (and that's ALL it is) is you could have in good conscience honked at the guy. You may have gotten him to notice and correct it the next time- and if he'd have said "Why did you honk at me, you big old hypocritical Christian? You're supposed to forgive and be nice", I would have still simply said, "I honked at you because you drove in front of me and cut me off and really irritated me, and I forgive you."
Ann,
Cool story, seems vaguely familiar I will have to look it up I will take justice anyway I can get it and in this case negligence is clearly a factor on every level hopefully the court will do what is right and we can move on with our lives, the toll it is taken on us especially my Mom is overwhelming... NO kitten! I already have 3 too many, but gosh I love the little buggers! :)
I agree it is legitimate to honk at someone who is a threat or a danger even Jesus became angary but did not sin because He did not dwell there He dealt with it and moved on. trouble is most of us (me i'm talking about here :) just cant move on we seem to stay in that place of anger and never gain control of our emotions so our emotions control us and we (I) swim in circles....My goal surrender the anger I have other spots to swim in :)
Ann,
I see your point regarding the driving and honking, but still somehow see that honking might have turned the guy off... yes I could say I forgive him, but isn't honking a double standard then? Not that we aren't going to feel those feelings of anger etc. but I do believe God wants us to love as He loves. Somehow I think showing kindess would do worlds more than honking and shaking my fists at someone like that. (not that I haven't done it before or have been tempted) I just wonder, if Jesus were driving and that happened, would he have honked and maybe said "hey buddy you just cut me off... what gives you the right?" To me, it would seem He would instead not honk at the guy, but then if He were to meet him, would He somehow expose his sin or let him know what He did was wrong? Now I am wondering... I am sitting here asking God now, give me enlightenment on this issue... and as I sat here, I recalled a time a friend of mine told me that when I noticed someone doing something inappropriate or wrong or whatever, to lift them up in prayer, ask God to bless them, reveal Himself to them, show them the error of their ways, whatever... that to me seems like it would make the bigger impact even if they never knew that I was praying for them. I could be praying for their mind to be bound to the mind of Christ etc. and I was feeling somewhat bitter about the whole car thingy, but I totally believe that anger and bitterness are NOT of God. We learned some about this at Cleansing Streams. So, ok, of course, the first reaction is to be mad, but then I know that I can pray for that person, and first for myself for the way I am feeling, and tell God that I am pretty offended or bitter but I need Him to change my feelings, thoughts etc. b/c what good is staying in anger/mad/bitter mode going to do me? Then pray for them and release them back to God....
Anyhoo, those were me thoughts! Thanks Ann for your thoughts as well.... I am not trying to shoot down anything you have said, just merely processing things and thinking more about how I feel about it all...
EM :-) <><
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