Reflective

It was a long and unproductive day not feeling well temp is 100 very fatigued and have a headache did not sleep well last night yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh well hopefully I will feel better soon I really need to beat this fatigue thing.
 
I have been reflective today about  conversations over the past few days, a close friend really challenged me by saying my mind is too busy and ya know what its true for the past year my mind is busy with worry, something I was freed from many years ago.  I will never forget being at Morning star with  Erika & the Mags, Beck and I went for prayer and this cool Messianic Jew prayed for me (us) at the time my head was filed with negativity and worry about Fibro, Endo etc.
 
He was from California and his name was David he was definitely gifted, one of the first things he prayed for me was that my mind be silenced from worry and be at peace. He then proceeded to pray for me for probably a half hour or so it was very powerful the manifest presence of God was burning hot on my hands as they trembled. That next morning when I woke up my mind was silent it was so quiet I was not bombarded by constant negative thoughts and it stayed away until mold hell I don’t ever remember it coming back until a  year or so ago….
 
So, at this point I find myself looking for that freedom once again I know it can happen I think maybe that is the currant thing to pray for that the worry to silence it takes too much energy and I suspect it to be causing most if not all the fatigue.
 
Another reflection on life a close friend of mine is having fertility problems, I grieve for her she and her husband will be great parents it’s hard to see them long for a child so much and struggle to get pregnant. Her last words to me yesterday were about how thankful she was for her husband and how she never imagined she could ever feel the way she does be loved the way she is etc it choked me up because I hear so many people say it can NEVER happen to them, not that this applies to me :) 
 
Later while chatting with a friend at 3 trees the truth bubbled close to the surface as I fought back tears. The rejection I fear as a result of Fibro and Endo the longing in my heart for unfulfilled dreams and desires wanting to sing more then anything and never being good enough. Wanting to be in theater or dance like years ago and never having the opportunities, longing to minister, to have a successful career. wondering if I am loveable or even worthy of love or for that matter can I really truly love others? Looking at the sacrifices I have made for my mom and wondering if that is the right path then quickly think what other choice have I had?
 
I don’t like who I have become in some ways, I opened a box that contained many photos and several letters I had not seen in years. They are mostly of my life in the 80’s and 90’s before Prednisone of course it seems that is how I look at the timelines of my life before and after steroids. I was so thin and kinda cute although I didn’t have a clue at the time, I don’t really think I gave much thought to those things I was a different person. I have always battled my self image and esteem but I was more confident and accepting of myself then which is scary.  I definitely know the problem existed twenty years ago but I also know it has grown worse and I have become somewhat of a reflection of the lies. I don’t want to live in the past but I would like to learn from it when I wrote I remember it was easy to see where some of my issues came from, but it is not an excuse to continue to live there! I have never been so obsessed with these issues ever in my life every waking moment my mind seems to have the potential to drift to my physical emotional and spiritual inadequacies.
 
I read a few of the letters today while resting did not really fully recognize the girl they were written too I laughed as I read my secret admirer mail from college my three closest guy friends were relentless with there flirtations and quest to help me see I was beautiful inside and out and all truly liked me for me I think love letters from my college boyfriend that although sweet and revealing should probably be thrown away. looked closely at the photos too and raised I did not recognize the girl who was not afraid of cameras who looked happy with sparkling eyes, of course this was before my diagnosis with fibro.
 
The truth is I feel sorry for myself it is  not a pretty thing I whine about my circumstances and grieve for the life I have “lost” without giving much thought to the life I have, broken as it is it is still a priceless gift. My desire to have children is not strong yet the infertility issues I have make me whine and say well if I ever got married I would at least like the choice or who the hell wants to marry a fat ugly potentially infernal chick with fibro. Self pity is a lie from the pit of hell and I have allowed the negative busy thoughts in my head to consume me. Then I think of my beautiful friend who is married and how desperately they want children and I am ashamed of my attitudes. All I can do is continue to call out to God to change my heart to help me not to drown in the lies to deliver me from the negative thoughts that have seeped into my mind.