I Remember

This is part of my history, the dark part I did not grow up in a large city as one would assume upon reading these memories. The events of the past have shaped my life some have made me stronger some have not. In my sleeplessness I have tried to discover the roots of my brokenness the purpose is NOT to wallow in self pity I have too much to be thankful for. Maybe this list will grow as time goes on maybe it will not this is only a small part of the first 12-14 years of my life. The other side the sweeter side will follow soon as the waters continue to stir.

I remember growing up on the wrong side of the tracks
I remember the squalor of poverty
I remember the shame and embarrassment
I remember never fitting in no matter how hard I tried
I remember that I hated being different
I remember the loneliness

I remember Tammy shoving me in front of the car her hands crashing hard into the small of my back catapulting me forward, the feel of the black top as it scuffed and burned my hands my face a foot away from the front of the green car as it screeched to a stop
I remember Ruthie locking me in her yard and later in the basement and torturing me
With her words and the tools on hand I remember her mother coming home and sending me on my way without much thought to what was really going on
I remember Melissa swinging my arm hard and my body crushing into the brick wall with the jagged pieces
I remember the 3 or was is 5 who held me down and beat me the boys heavy foot that held down my head as the others kicked as the crossing guard turned away - I chipped my tooth that day
I remember the boy who ran over me with his bike and the spoke that went straight through the side of my knee - I can still see the scar
I remember playing through the fence with Kim because I was rarely allowed in her yard
I remember hurting with pain far deeper then bruises

I remember hell fire and brimstone
I remember hating church but loving Jesus
I remember overhearing children and adults plot to keep us from youth group outings the looks on their faces and fumbled excuses when they were caught
I remember being taunted by "good" Christian kids as parents looked on - my parents clueless and forgiving
I remember not fitting in and never being good enough

I remember the boy who fathered three children by his fourteenth birthday being cornered by the police and our dog in the back yard
I remember the same boy threw a chair through our front window
I remember coming home to learn my father was attached at gun point
I remember the stalker and how scared my father was
I remember being frightened and shaken hard by the two guys in the red car on drugs getting away and running to school and having to file a police report
I remember the guy with long blond hair shooting up across the street I watched him through the front window
I remember the smell of pot wafting through our windows on warm summer nights
I remember JR and the huge garbage bag of marijuana and the girl who screamed and cried for help that night as a policeman walked down the street ignoring her
I remember living in fear

I remember being ashamed of having a handicapped parent and afraid of loosing her
I remember my dad driving himself to the hospital when he had his first heart attach and the constant worry that followed
I remember my grandmother's cancer and being by her side when she died
I remember too many funerals
I remember learning to expect the worst