It's never enough I am never good enough and it's always something just when you think things cant possibly get worse they do. I am tiered I am tiered of being strong... we foolishly think of suffering as though it were a right of passage of a gift for the strong or faithful. I don't want to be strong and I don't want God to be strong for me, in this moment right now I need to feel this and although I know this feeling will pass soon as truth engulfs me I need to be angry I need to cry and scream I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, I just want to run away with no cares. My heart cries out for the truth that I long to drench myself in and I know will soon it's the race against time to write the anger before the truth comes.
I know it sounds crazy and it is.. maybe the past 4.5 years have made me a little crazy but I need to be mad I need to be pissed off. Pissed at our disgusting lawyer and the corporate insurance company that doesn't give a damn that any day our electric could be turned off in less then five weeks we are out on our asses with little hope of saving our house selling our house buying or renting baring a miracle that I know in my heart can happen. I want to be mad I want to be pissed off I want to hate them if only for a little while. Then the peace will come and truth will flood my soul bringing with it forgiveness. A little of the hurt will remain and too much of the despair and I will go about my life and people will say, you are so strong you are so faithful it cant get any worse then it is. And my heart will be faithful and I will agree because in my own strength I can do nothing and I know every good thing in me comes from God.
But it can get worse and it may and I will want to scream at my mother again as she constantly nags me because of her own hurt and fear and I will face life like always. But for now I want to be angry I want to scream I want to pound my fist against the wall and cry out WHY I am so tiered of phone calls so tired of reaching out in humility it all feels in vain. I need to be mad I need to let it out without restraint, if only for a little while.
Kimmy just stopped she is a blessing listening patiently as I vented, it felt good!
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2 comments:
Vir,
Hang in there, and yes, get those feelings out.... it is ok to vent those things.... You are still in my prayers!!
Em
Hi, I'm back. Please vent and don't hold back. You need to scream and cry, don't try to suck it up anymore, no one can take so much. I'll try to see you soon.
Ann
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