Tonight I feel awful - not sure if I am sick having a panic attach or just exhausted. Physically it's hard to describe I really hate going to doctors and dealing with hospitals but if this doesn't stop soon I will have to do something.

I am tiered worn angry... Tiered of being responsible, tiered of swimming in circles wish I could just run away sometimes - well at least go on a vacation! I think of a friend too far away to help who plans her own death because she is angry that life has not gone her way and It sickens. The selfishness the emotional black mail the manipulation the guilt the lies and the despair she allows rob her of the beauty of life and it grieves me. As I contemplate life what it has and has not given I see even through the muck that it is a sweet gift. I look at the losses throughout my life especially those of the last four years, the dreams and desires of the heart unfulfilled as of yet and can honestly say it is worth it if only to step on inch closer to my God and I am thankful for that.

The PODS have been repossessed along with almost all our belongings our future dimmed by our earthly eyes. The muck at the bottom of this little experiment is murky at best. Remembering days gone by at the pet store, cleaning out the tanks with the hydro - clean all the nasty mucky stuff being sucked up off the bottom of the tank in a simple but magical plastic tube muddy yellowed putrid rocks left clean, glass sparkling like crystals. Maybe that is the process the churning of the water filtering out everything that clouds so we can see clear?

For all of you who have called, e mailed and posted asking for an update thank you I will try to do that soon your love and friendship are beyond measure - I may be broken and tiered but a pretty rich chick :)