Snowed in

The snow is still falling 2 foot drifts block the doors and I have no shovel! Now this makes life interesting. The ancient one (aka for the 21.5 year old dog) and I will have a dilemma when he wakes. I fear I will have to let him get back to nature in the shower yuck!!!!!!

Still not sleeping, what else is new, ok I get 2 -3 hrs a night of inconsistent sleep but it isn’t enough. I frightened a few friends with my last entry – sorry I guess it does come off a bit disturbing, but then, I’m a little disturbed by mold hell and our futile attempts to find solution to what seems a doomed effort at times.

I do not have the emotional of physical energy at this point to catch things totally up to date in Blogdom so here is the nut shell, trust me this is the short version!

Mom is in rehab for two falls which caused her to break her tail bone and violent illness over the Thanksgiving holiday. She is at a nice nursing home, but I can’t wait to have her home – she is driving me a bit nuts. She over did her therapy about two weeks ago (because the therapist have no clue about Post Polio and mom pushed herself too hard!) and now cannot lift her legs into bed on her own. They still have a goal of release for Jan 5 but I fear it will take longer; I want her strong and home ASAP!

We have not found a lawyer due to conflict of interests at many large firms and most small firm cannot handle a case such as ours due to its complicated nature and the potential expense. We need a miracle I fear we may face bankruptcy I am a deer caught in bright headlights. Friday the large firm I thought might help us said yes but on an hourly basis. Even though they had previously told me they take “contingency” our case is so complicated and may be costly. Um this and another health insurance crisis, the loneliness of the aging and Americans lack of time and compassion for them, and being turned down for a consolidation loan because of the house spurred my last blog rant..

I have taken a needed break from house church until the after the first of the year, it is the place I need to be most, but I haven’t the energy to give and I have been too broken and distracted to receive, so…..

There is the LARGE nutshell – it is scary to think of what is missing, it is way too overwhelming to write more. Everyday I have a new crisis which keeps me from being able to deal with mold hell; I fear it will hurt us in the long run. Sometimes I am too tiered to pray and feel I have no faith left but I continue to pray and a small part of me still clings to hope that justice will be served God please let it be soon.

LIFELESS

Sinking lifeless to the bottom of the tank watching life crumble before me with no motivation to move or be moved, existing. Self pity my only friend as water pours from my eyes and my body aches from its violence.

So lurkers beware, vague, obscure, and hidden in despair unable to find the road to freedom, the secret language of my heart poured out in cyber hell. Naked and Blind I come clothed only in shame for now, so my mutterings may confuse you at best?

The Pharisaical rule disgusts hypocrisy at its finest, to love my Beloved in all His purity I find myself in a flock of vultures their mission of glamorous intent. Mere words fall meaningless to the pit, only to be devoured by the bottom feeders as they feast on their favorite meal.

I have never been glamorous; life of the pretty involves a status never held, to associate yourself with such without parade so empty a pursuit. Had I been born with more would the vultures stop circling and picking at my flesh and embrace me into the fold?

Admittedly Blue Like Jazz in natural elements of reality holds my heart tighter then Pharisaical lusts but the pain is still their... I hope to join Daniel for a time in a quest if I am strong enough. So far only weakness consumes me, supernatural strength will be my saving grace as I press in and press on in hope of freedom redemption or maybe just life?

Pursuits in the aquarium may continue if I can will myself, less vague and more detail of the latest may find way into my cyber cell, but as I said before it is not glamorous as previous entries will confirm. The darkest places of the soul are never pretty, but then I suppose I am grateful to have one....