Think I will rename this blog Bitchings, Mutterings sure doesn't fit it huh... mom in hosp at my request so she can go to rehab after falling yesterday, insurance may not cover rehab so she could be back home before she is ready which is dangerous. I want her stronger so she does not hurt herself. Given up on the Pharisees, like I should have expected them to give a damn anyway. Court trials mounting have to go back to re-file stuff cause the Insurance company name was not written out properly - I don't know how to do this stuff. Finally have our case file, pretty sure our former lawyer screwed things up exponentially, the good ol' boys club prevails. No one seems to want to help due to the complications of case our best shot of help may have a conflict of interest. Our house will most likely be condemned because of the new mold - PODS only paid through end of week then back to auction threats. I am tiered dozens of distractions from cut off notices to SSA review, house is a shambles from switching furniture mountains of paper work I don’t know where to begin. If I have to ask one more time for more help I will explode! I need a break but I don’t expect to get one. Couldn't sleep last night so I watched a movie cried all through it ashamed of myself for not handling our situation better, we have so much to be thankful for. The movie was about the quadriplegic who went to Harvard Brook Ellison (SP?) - Very convicting wish I was a stronger person, but I am not.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Friday, October 22, 2004
UP TOO EARLY !
Thought I would dive into Blogdom this morning - tiered of trying to sleep my mind is busy with worry. I keep saying I will update our situation but the stress and my health are getting in the way. Sometimes it feels like I will explode if I have to talk or think about mold hell one more second. There is a part of me that just feels like this blog has become a whinny bitch fest instead of its real purpose it was created for, to be reflective or perhaps even creative as I seek purpose and hopefully draw closer to God in the process but it has been hijacked by my response to our circumstances.
Our situation seems so hopeless at times, we are not alone too many people have lost there lives, health, financial security etc you would think the powers that be would have done something by now to help insure health and safety it has to be wiser and less costly then the current system which is barbaric! We were reminded recently of how lucky we are to have coverage for water damage through our insurance company - there are those who do not. Its scary, we have coverage and we are in a fight that could take years and have lost almost everything what about the people who do not have coverage? Too many people sick dying and in despair if the government does not take a stand as they did with lead and asbestos it can only get worse. But then there will always be the corporate lawyers weighing the cost - if 1% of all manufactured cars by "hot car" roll into the world with faulty breaks that may potentially pose a hazard is it more cost effective to have a recall or pay out a few insurance premiums even if a few lives are lost? We live in a sad world were money is god and lives are cheap....
Our situation seems so hopeless at times, we are not alone too many people have lost there lives, health, financial security etc you would think the powers that be would have done something by now to help insure health and safety it has to be wiser and less costly then the current system which is barbaric! We were reminded recently of how lucky we are to have coverage for water damage through our insurance company - there are those who do not. Its scary, we have coverage and we are in a fight that could take years and have lost almost everything what about the people who do not have coverage? Too many people sick dying and in despair if the government does not take a stand as they did with lead and asbestos it can only get worse. But then there will always be the corporate lawyers weighing the cost - if 1% of all manufactured cars by "hot car" roll into the world with faulty breaks that may potentially pose a hazard is it more cost effective to have a recall or pay out a few insurance premiums even if a few lives are lost? We live in a sad world were money is god and lives are cheap....
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Ranting again...
I am suffocated exhausted frustrated and then some - I have given up my whole life - it never has been or will be enough!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Sleeping Better :)
Hey swimmers just wanted to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers, the new meds I am taking at night for Endo are allowing me to sleep about three hours straight at night and it is making a HUGE difference. My usual sleep pattern is sleep one hr, wake up, toss and turn, then repeat all night so I am feeling better and more rational THANK GOD! Don't think I can put up with living with me if that were to continue anyway, just wanted to say thank you.
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Digging out of despair?
I am overwhelmed- so what else is new right? Everything seems in vein I can’t function I am tiered weary bla, bla, bla, same old story. Cant cope, cant function all my energy goes into trying to be normal in front of friends or on the phone being professional and I am failing horribly at that-- no one calls me back anyway so why bother?
Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?
My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.
I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?
So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?
I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!
Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?
My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.
I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?
So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?
I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!
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