Thinking Outloud

Thought I would catch up on the progress here at the rental house. The bleaching is finished but the garage remains a huge concern in addition to bacteria that may be under the linoleum as a result of the sewer water it dried out but I still have concerns.

I had the CAT scan on my lungs yesterday they injected iodine to look at my lungs. The tech explained I would have a major hot clash and feel as though I was peeing my pants and not to worry. About two minutes later I was amazed at how wrong I thought this woman had to be it was like fire from head to toe even the bottom of my feet were hot and I TOTALLY felt as though I had wet myself. Not a fun feeling! Admittedly it was nice to feel warm they keep the rooms so cold due to the machines.

I had a huge coughing fit at the end of the test and they kinda freaked out a bit but I assured them it was just the way I always cough which surprised them. The taste in my mouth was really yucky like I had been sucking on pennies or nickels for a while I still taste it a bit today but it is not nearly as bad. This test and the one next week a small discomfort to find out what is going on with me I just want to get to the root and find a solution. I did not receive a late night call from my doctor so hopefully no news is good news although they did say the doctor who reads the test would not be able to do so for 2-3 days. But I figure if they had seen a red flag I would have been rushed to the top of the list.

Next week Kimmy has generously agreed to be my baby sitter for the broncoscopy hopefully I will be low maintenance in the past I have not done well coming off the drugs I don’t have much tolerance for them and the side effects can be a bit overwhelming. I hope with this test that is not the case. I can’t wait for next Tuesday to be over and done with!

I have been on the phone for months trying to find a dentist/orthodontist who specializes in TMJ and takes my insurance I have not had any luck. There is one orthodontist in this county who deals with TMJ and they told me it would be about 3000.00 a year to treat in addition to restorative dental work and cleaning NOT done by them but a dentist who treats people with TMJ which could cost another 3-5K!

We are in such a difficult spot I think of how just five years ago we were less the 5 k in debt and how things would be now if we had not heard of CDBG and how we feel as though it ruined our lives. Probably the TMJ wouldn’t be so bad we wouldn’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses and the huge debt hanging over our heads that we just can’t seem to get out from under.

God has been teaching me over the last five years about true forgiveness and I thought I had a pretty good handle on it but over the last couple of weeks I have realized I do not. its like I forgave half way not entirely. Even though I released the contractor attorney adjuster etc from the hatred I felt for them I now realize I have not forgiven them with my whole heart.

In the teaching of a more excellent way one of the pastors I really like is fond of saying “Forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it” it is a gift that I give for me not that other person my lack of forgiveness cannot harm them but it can harm me.

In one of my favorite dog eared books I find these reminders.

Forgiveness is not tolerance.
Forgiveness is not pretending
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is not generosity of spirit.
Forgiveness is not turning the other cheek.
Forgiveness is not making a joke of a wrong.
Forgiveness is not politeness or tactfulness.
Forgiveness is not diplomacy.
Forgiveness is not passive non-response.

Forgiveness is something much deeper!

Forgiveness is a deliberate act of will.
Forgiveness is a full pardon.
Forgiveness is a substitutional act.
Forgiveness is obedience to God’s word.
Forgiveness is an act of love.
Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

Shattering your strongholds
Freedom from your struggles
Liberty Savard
http://www.amazon.com/Shattering-Your-Strongholds-Freedom-Struggles/dp/0882707132


A woman I met last year at a prayer group blessed my at MEW last week with two books

Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/B000JGWE2C/sr=1-1/qid=1161802695/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


and

Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Forgiveness-R-T-Kendall/dp/0884198898/sr=1-1/qid=1161802763/ref=sr_1_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


I am a huge fan of Joyce Meyer she is so down to earth real and vulnerable her story puts my whining to shame and makes me reconsider my attitudes a lot. I thought I would read her book first but I just couldn’t get into it for some reason and I must admit that even though I wanted to read the other book it was not top on my list especially when I am just sick and tired of working this stuff out, I just want to learn the lesson and get on with it already.

I first heard RT Kendall several years ago on the radio I remember getting ready to flip the station and hesitating because he said something that cut to the core of my spirit that I knew I needed to deal with.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New King James Version)
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Its hard for me to admit but my forgiveness of those who have wronged us in the last five years has been totally conditional, I am not saying there are not legal consequences to someone’s illegal or negligent actions but that I in my brokenness failed to realize that I expect retribution in this world and the next.

With the contractor I came to a place where I almost totally forgave him I prayed blessings upon him but I also prayed God would convict him and discipline him and have him held accountable here on earth for his actions. But maybe total forgiveness is not caring if he pays the price for his actions but trusting God. Hasn’t God forgiven me when the bible says when I repent God chooses not even to remember my sin it is as though it never happened! This is why I have issues with the toxic church that leads people down a road of guilt God doesn’t do this why should we? So if God forgives in this manor I need to as well, and I must admit that even though I am thankful to be forgiven for my mistakes my attitude is less then generous to those who have hurt us, especially those who hurt my mom.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

There is a consequence a law of the land to malicious behavior and mistakes there is usually not a get out of jail free card and in some cases the innocent are punished and the guilty go free. We may not have earthly justice I pray we do receive compensation for our losses and suffering and that the entities that have wronged us and others will be stopped so they do not continue to harm others. But that just might not happen and I have had to tell myself this for years to keep myself grounded and trust God for His justice and mercy above all others.

The toughest part of this book to read so far was the encouragement to pray for God to forgive the person who has wronged you. I have spent all my time asking God to help me forgive them I really didn’t want to hear that part of the process is me interceding on their behalf. So, this is my goal to willfully work toward total forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Romans 14:10 (New International Version)
10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.