This is powerful....

Please pray for an end to the war........

Twenty ~ The Robert Cray Band

Just for Ann :)

this was taken 1981

Puppy lust, life and an overactive imagination

Finely made it to a movie it's been months ~ I went to see X Men3 which I loved except for a few events if you haven't seen it wait through the credits for a surprise scene at the end it will make you like the film better it was not as good as X2 but the special effects were fun. Monday I splurged and took mom to see Over the Hedge it was WAY cute the animal lover in me was totally cracking up I think people who aren't into animals will like it but maybe not as much. This week we will hopefully go see Cars if it doesn't rain wish I hadn't promised mom I could wiggle out of it and get it on DVD from the library next year although I hear it is a full screen kind of cartoon. Three movies in less then a week not a good thing I the budget department!

We were blessed again this week by lawn mowing two Birchfields for the price of one they are such a blessing we would be waist deep in grass by end of summer without their generosity. The garden is looking good, I need to weed ~ waiting for rain so it won't be so difficult. In addition to all the plants and seeds I put in we have a ton of volunteers I counted 16 tomatoes plants and 6 zucchini's so we may be feeding the neighborhood this summer and then some. I have been saving back a couple bucks a week to buy a new rose bush for mom I realized we do not have yellow white or red so I think I will work on those colors hoping to find a few discounts like last year.

My cell phone is barely holding on to life, panting its little heart out forgetting to catch calls and delivering my messages late. I really hate cell phone shopping I drool over the one I want but I know it's just not practical right now. I don't even want to think about car problems computer issues and the huge list of things to do, have fixed, and replace! So if you are trying to reach me and don't hear back call again my cell is so not working right....

We totaly surprised mom with the puppies (I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore:), On Tuesday we made her LOL and giggle better than any movie could we went down to Donna's to see the kittens mom drove her wheelchair I brought her walker and she was able to step up the two inch stoop in the garage~ yeah! We played with the little balls of fir for a while then to mom's horror Donna took the kitty box away only after a few minutes ok fifteen or twenty.:)

I wish I had a camera with me. Donna brought the puppies to mom she squealed with delight and shock as they were handed to her. Mom's face was a little light bulb she had a huge open mouth grin and I thought she was going to shed a little tear at one point. I cannot remember a time I saw her so happy so surprised she held the pup's for about 45 minutes it was hard to let them go. Purdy who is a very protective first time mom did not growl at mom like she does her own family and me when we look at the pups. She was totally content with mom wagging her tail and rubbing up against her totally content to have mom hold her wee ones ~ it was so sweet.

I was so sad to learn that the runt died the other two little monsters are doing well still cant believe sweet tiny little Purdy gave birth to such huge puppy's. I am faced with a conundrum I have not seen mom this happy about anything in so long I really want to give her a puppy. It would give her something to focus on and take care of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The expense, the hassle, gerrrrrrrr.

Mom was watching a travel program yesterday so I am drooling again can I just say (since it is a secret) I NEED A VACATION! The destination Hawaii. Ok, to be honest I would be happy goin to Po- dunk Ohio 10 min west of dodge just to git the heck outta here but, Hawaii...Let me dream a little please.

They highlighted several places my three personal favorites

1. Eco tree top tour in Kauai with zip lines once you leave the ground you spend the next three hours 70 foot off the ground the views were beautiful the challenge looked so cool my desire to do this in spite of fibro overwhelmingly strong. http://www.justlive.org/eco-tour.html

2. Paradise air motor powered hand glider tour and flight lessons (you get to fly the glider!) over white sandy beaches and turquoise water sigh In O'ahu sigh.... http://www.paradiseairhawaii.com/photos.htm

3. Last an most certainly not least a four wheeling adventure over Hawaiian farm land beneath the Haupu Maintain Range, beautiful waterfalls, bamboo forest hideaway, cool tunnel, old sugar cane fields, and a rain forest.
http://www.kauaiatv.com/html/tours.html

Add to my fantasy trip a spa retreat, horse back riding, hiking around volcanoes snorkeling, and sunlight sail boat rides and I am almost in heaven sigh...… sigh....sigh.....

Hey I can dream can't I BTW I'm SO not picky Jamaica, Costa Rica, Europe, the British Isles, Asia I'm flexible with my fantasy life! hehehe

Shamefully Funny Past

Hey trying to see if I can figure out how to post pix cleaning out the garage and found an old funny one ya gotta love high school boys in tights! Oh yeah, to my shame I am in there too! This picture was taken Dec 1980 at a Christmas show we performed at the YWCA were I worked ~ I was 16 years old.

The last couple of weeks

Let’s see what has been going on around here, Paula and Elaine blessed us by coming to town to spend Memorial Day with us Gina came over and we all went hiking at Huston woods, it was beautiful out. Grilled out had great conversation as always and a bit of prayer time. It felt like it had been forever since I had seen them so it was really cool.

Spent most of last week trying to deal with life I still have a million things to do and only one set of hands. I am having camera problems again so it is hard to document losses so I am trying to go through a small container in the garage every few days.

I still haven’t been able to make myself read the legal brief from the opposing counsel which freaks me out a bit because I like knowing what’s going on but I still feel too emotional vulnerable to subject myself to it., we just keep praying for a trial and freedom from all of it. I know I keep saying it and God always pulls us though but I really don’t know how much more we can take at times.

The garden is beautiful I bring fresh roses in the house every few days the perennials are starting to bloom wishing I had a flower budget! although last week I walked with Mom uptown in her wheelchair to the farmers market and the library and we stopped at the little garden store on the way home and burned the rest of our market money on a few annuals for the two pots on the front stoop – they look beautiful and cheer things up a bit more.

We lost almost three quarters of our food in the freezer again everything but the bottom shelf was totally thawed and ruined. I had to bake a twenty pound turkey on Saturday my brother and his wife came for dinner it was good to see them but I get very frustrated I asked for help with the turkey and they blew me off it was so heavy and then I almost cut myself trying to carve the damn thing. As, much as I love them they just tick me off asked for help with the dishes they ignored me again they just don’t seem to have a clue as to how much work it is to wait on them. I feel like the maid every time they come but I am so glad they are visiting (especially for mom) they only live thirty minutes away and they hardly ever visit her. Anyway, we gave Ginger most of the bird for her family I saved some to freeze and we will stop using the freezer it ticks me off cause it did this the first year after we bought it after the warranty was up and the worked fine it still seems to work something is definitely wrong and we cant afford the loss.

My friend’s puppies were born yesterday ~ good thing they weren’t born today or they would be dubbed little demons and no one would want them well maybe Satanists would lol! There are three spotted pups; they look just like their trailer trash daddy poor little things. Actually they are too cute and their dad would be cute too if anyone took the time to clean him up a little. So, now the real dilemma begins. At conception, when Otis violated his restraining order and broke into our sweet little innocent (never impregnated at 8 years old) Purdy’s yard, we were offered pick of the litter.

So, I swore the neighbors and everyone else to secrecy and so far mom is clueless she says she never wants another dog but then oggels every dog on the block and is almost gleeful when I pet sit and she can take them for walks with her wheelchair, I just don’t know what to do. I SO want a dog but I’m not sure if it is practical (fence vet bills etc) but I am already in love with them especially the runt I have always been a sucker for the underdog and his big brothers are already pushing him around. They probably bullied him from the womb! Actually I think he is a little fighter and helped push puppy number one the huge mammoth of a creature out of the way as he was the tiniest and the second born . First born was medium size oh no what if the huge mammoth is the underdog is stupid and adorable that’s all I need.

The kittens are getting big when I was over looking at the pups I saw them too they are growing eyes are opened but one looks like it is gonna be cross eyed so now my friend has three pups and five kittens born a little over a week apart to find homes for! So far I am resisting but one of them looks like my sweet kitty friend Je taime who I miss terribly ~ it will be a year in a few day’s I still live with the horrible memories of last year and it is difficult.


If we do take a pup I will need to get permission to build a fence then there are the expenses but my argument is what price for mom a little friend to take care of she is so lonely without Peanut. The pups mom is pure bread Shih Tzu dad is part Shih Tzu and mutt they are gonna be so, so cute, as if they aren’t now!

Responding to Em..

My Dear Em,

Well this wont fit in the comment box so...…

Please forgive me for not responding to your comment sooner I wanted to give you the time you deserve and only respond after much prayer, and no, I do not mind a good devils advocate. Dialog is healthy espescially when we respect one another our boundaries and our differences. I was saddened to hear of your grandmother's death yet relieved that she is no longer in pain and that the burden your mother (and your whole family) has endured for so long has been lifted.

I too believe God's desire is for "Thy (His) will to be done on earth as it is in heaven" therefore, when people limit God by saying He only heals one certain way, or only in heaven, or that the miracles and gifts of biblical times no longer exist I remind them of that verse and a few others. I believe God's will in heaven according to His word is for total healing lack of stress and strife and the fulfillment of our lives with Him.

Therefore we should be able to experience a mirror of this in our world today shouldn't we? If Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever (as scripture states) I believe this would be true. It seams that our civilized culture has anesthetizes us from a truly Holy and Sacred experience with God. That experience began in the garden and continued throughout biblical history with the prophets and became full with the birth of the living Messiah.

I have become terribly frustrated at the lack of belief in our culture ~ I believe underdeveloped countries like Africa have something we in the west cannot seem to hold onto. The faith of believers in some villages is so strong that miracles occur daily allowing the lame walk, blind to see, deaf to hear and the dead are occasionally even raised! Since my mother and I have both experienced supernatural healings and I know many others that have as well, I suppose, it sounds lame for me to say this? Unfortunately, I know more people who have been consumed by disease then healed of it.

I personally believe our modern culture to be a huge inhibitor, we are so rational, so scientific, and heck God is the father of science and rational thinking so I am not saying its wrong just out of balance. I could bring up the other side of the coin my other big frustration, Christians throwing out their God given intellect by letting emotional experience rule them with absolutely no rational thought or ideas in sight!

Ok sorry for the rabbit trail (I do have a purpose- really;) getting back to the subject at hand I believe grief to be a healthy emotion I am not sure if it does or doesn't fit into the "On earth as it is in heaven" scripture because grief is a natural God given emotion we need to experience to be healthy. Have your read The Final Quest by Rick joiner ~ I highly recommend it! (Link above) I have never heard an eternal perspective of feelings emotions realities etc, so eloquently stated as in The Final Quest.

I want to clarify what I meant by grief in my journal entry about my Dad. I think of my father (and Jane ~ Jim's mom) almost daily (ok, daily :) I feel a significant place they filled in my life is missing. It does not mean God cannot fill this place here on earth, I believe He has. It means that I remember them, I notice there absence, I do not wallow in tears. Although, occasionally I am touched by a memory or reminded of them I think that its a healthy thing to do. So many people wont even talk about a loved one after their passing it's like they never existed. I want to honor the lives of those I have loved and now miss and there are many. I would like to point out again this does not mean despair just a noticeable absence.

I was reminded of the following passage in John.

John 11: 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.35 Jesus wept.36 Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Did Jesus weep because of their unbelief, or did he weep because Mary and all the others were grieving and it hurt Him to see their pain? If Grief is a natural emotion just as love and anger are. We need to express these emotions, to cleanse ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physicaly by dealing with them rather then suppressing them. The empty space left by a loved one's passing is always noticeable, but grief does change over time. The grief I felt upon my father's death and Jane's death is not the same today as it was initially. I hope I am making some sort of since to you.

I read someplace that scientist had discovered that when tears are released toxic chemicals are purged from the body. They also found that people who don't deal well with their emotions-those who suppress them have more chronic diseases. This is one of the key things dealt with in MEW the physiological (scientifically verified) responses in the body as a result of issues that have not been properly dealt with. This does in NO WAY mean I belive all illnesses are a result of lack of dealing with emotions and so on, genetic predisposition, enviornment and other factors can all come into play.

When we find the root (many emotional & spiritual) and address them, we are cleansed emotionally, spiritualy and physicaly as a response we give God authority in our life to bring healing, the symptoms and the disease is reversed and we are healed. I don't have answers, I dont have it all figured out in my life but I have been Endo and IBS symptom free for over a year and thank God daily. I know I have a long way to go more healing is coming as I allow God to pull off the layers and go deeper into my life.

MEW is great and my understandings of the theory behind the teachings do not do it justice besides it's not a formula it's not fool proof (Gods not into formulas from my point of view) there are many ways He chooses to heal and there is the obvious "a time to live and a time to die" that must be factored in. I don't believe that God has limits or expect Him to mold Himself to my beliefs (which is so noticeably a trend throughout history) most want a God but on our own terms. Few want to let Him be who He is, we want to make Him into something we are comfortable with, mold Him into our image our ways of thinking ~ not the reverse.

Ok, I know your asking what on earth does this rabbit trail have to do with Grief well if I suppress my feelings (which I have done most my life) and don't deal with my emotions and grief I may allow toxins to build up in my body that could cause disease. I am not saying we need to lose control of our emotions just that we need to find a safe and healthy way to express them. My failure to do this has literally caused me great pain and suffering. After much reflection over the last several years I see how I inadvertently caused my body and spirit more harm. I stuffed everything down about my dad's death for years along with other things then when I returned home I relived all the pain and then some and was faced with the realities of the effects of suppressing thise emotions.

Btw I am exited you may be going to the MEW conference it could change your life and bring you new freedom and understanding. I also want to point out that MEW focuses on many aspects blocks to healing the least of which is unresolved emotions.

Finely, I wanted to respond to your concerns about your grandmother's final destination. I was grieved for you when you expressed your hurt in not knowing if she had committed her heart to Christ. I too believe in hell I believe it is biblically the separation from Christ a choosing we make not God. As I see it from my weak understanding of scripture (and contrary to folk lore) nowhere in God's word does it indicate His desire for anyone to be separated from Him. The bible states repeatedly a message of love and unity that God through Christ desires with us.

I do not know if hell is a literal fiery eternity or not? it may NOT be a metaphor as so many belive but a real place where fire is eternal. For me the thought of being separate from The One who loves me, accepts me, and died for me grieves me far more then the thought of burning eternally. No matter what Hell truly is I do not think The Lover of our soul would want us to focus on that realm but on Him and the Love He has for ALL His children and the Grace He extends to everyone.

One thing I have learned is to not over analyze the salvation (relationship with God) of others. We are responsible for our own salvation and cannot judge another's soul. I believe this is especially important to remember when it involves a loved one. It will do us absolutely no good whatsoever to judge the heart of a loved one, we cannot truly know their hearts only God does. Who can know what another's relationship with God is truly like, who knows the last minutes of your grandmother's life or perhaps the quiet faith she had during her lifetime?

Well I think I am finished rambling, I just want to point out that even with all the above mentioned opinions I know nothing! I am on a quest same as you for truth, for understanding, for a life of completion with Christ. Hope this has made since and that I have not confused you further.

I pray all things said in this post that are absolute nonsense will drift away like sand and that anything valid will engrave itself on our hearts.

I am praying ~ miss you!