Thought I would dive into Blogdom this morning - tiered of trying to sleep my mind is busy with worry. I keep saying I will update our situation but the stress and my health are getting in the way. Sometimes it feels like I will explode if I have to talk or think about mold hell one more second. There is a part of me that just feels like this blog has become a whinny bitch fest instead of its real purpose it was created for, to be reflective or perhaps even creative as I seek purpose and hopefully draw closer to God in the process but it has been hijacked by my response to our circumstances.
Our situation seems so hopeless at times, we are not alone too many people have lost there lives, health, financial security etc you would think the powers that be would have done something by now to help insure health and safety it has to be wiser and less costly then the current system which is barbaric! We were reminded recently of how lucky we are to have coverage for water damage through our insurance company - there are those who do not. Its scary, we have coverage and we are in a fight that could take years and have lost almost everything what about the people who do not have coverage? Too many people sick dying and in despair if the government does not take a stand as they did with lead and asbestos it can only get worse. But then there will always be the corporate lawyers weighing the cost - if 1% of all manufactured cars by "hot car" roll into the world with faulty breaks that may potentially pose a hazard is it more cost effective to have a recall or pay out a few insurance premiums even if a few lives are lost? We live in a sad world were money is god and lives are cheap....
Friday, October 22, 2004
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Ranting again...
I am suffocated exhausted frustrated and then some - I have given up my whole life - it never has been or will be enough!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Sleeping Better :)
Hey swimmers just wanted to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers, the new meds I am taking at night for Endo are allowing me to sleep about three hours straight at night and it is making a HUGE difference. My usual sleep pattern is sleep one hr, wake up, toss and turn, then repeat all night so I am feeling better and more rational THANK GOD! Don't think I can put up with living with me if that were to continue anyway, just wanted to say thank you.
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)
We are not out of the mold hell and don’t have great answers but at least I am not a psycho bitch from hell anymore… Gosh I pray it lasts! ;)
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Digging out of despair?
I am overwhelmed- so what else is new right? Everything seems in vein I can’t function I am tiered weary bla, bla, bla, same old story. Cant cope, cant function all my energy goes into trying to be normal in front of friends or on the phone being professional and I am failing horribly at that-- no one calls me back anyway so why bother?
Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?
My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.
I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?
So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?
I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!
Moms fall was devastating I hurt for her -- so thankful she is ok it could have been much worse then what it was and it sure isn't a picnic! The medication issues are horrifying I don't know how to help her or what to do. I feel like the insomnia is destroying me, mold is destroying me like a cancer it is rotting away my life, our lives, and our very existence seems threatened?
My cry's for help seem in vein as well, falling on deaf ears, I don’t even know what to do what to ask for I have no understanding of what can be done what I can do? My tears are useless just sobs of self pity and despair that mean nothing! I am not strong enough to do this, most the time I can't even talk about it exhausts me. I am sick of nausea and headaches and insomnia I am sick of hurting I am so tiered sick of my self absorbed nature poor me poor mom, I say I refuse to be a victim yet I act like one most likely.
I am so tiered I just cant do this, we need help we need a real support system we need an advocate I suppose that makes me lazy and maybe that's true because right now all I want to do is run away -- like that's an original thought in this stupid fish bowl! There is a part of me that wants to just crawl in a quiet place and let life pass me by it is just too hard-- if things are not filed by Friday we will definitely suffer for it, but I am tiered of fighting tiered of struggling every day in vein and it's not like I am accomplishing anything anyway?
So then what? If I crawl into my hole, where is justice served do we file bankruptcy-- Cynergy will not wait for that, my car could soon disappear from the driveway. I am broken beaten and too tiered for words, it seems a fantasy to ever think our trials could make a difference in the world. If we cannot grow and find our purpose in the midst of them if we cannot learn from them and grow and help others what is it for?
I rant and rave I want to crawl in my hole of despair but even that is futile I cannot I have to press on have to think of mom so in a few hours I will start the charade all over again pretend to be normal in hope I can find help. Never thought I could possibly sink so low into despair - I am so tiered.... All I can do is try to pick myself up and pray I don't fall flat on my face!
Monday, September 27, 2004
Fellow tourists - pick yourselves off the floor! sorry I made you faint from shock - the crazy chick finally has something new to say …..
I Just needed to say something to keep my sanity and let everyone still brave enough to read my rantings know that I have not fallen off the side of a cliff, or hurled myself into a volcano, nor am I hitch hiking out west and I have not hopped a plane to back pack across Europe - alas my life is not as exiting as all that.
Although, I am convinced one day in the near future the last four years of my life (at least) will be turned into a horribly written melodrama for the Lifetime Movie Network, and those of you who know me well know what I think about the quality of television oozing it way into the pours of trailer trash America (no offence -- some of my family and friends live in trailers ;) and my mothers room until 2 am every stinken night of the week via Lifetime!
My only concern about our story being submitted to Lifetime is although there is a heck of a lot of drama there just isn't any violence abuse or abduction so our story may be turned down. Unless I loose it and take a machete to the house since it is once again filled with mold or maybe go out get drunk and find someone to beat up which so fits with my violent nature LOL! Don't mess with me I'm a mean ol' chick!
Ok enough of the sarcasm I find myself coping day by day as life becomes increasingly more complicated and overwhelming. Clinging to my faith and praying the nightmare will soon be over or that at least I can learn to live better within the nightmare.
Tonight my mind is stirred with concerns for everyone I know and love in Florida (and those I do not) I continue to cry out for their protection and wait on pins and needles for an e mail confirming their safety. Selfishly wanting Jim to come next weekend even if things did get sticky with the hurricane, sad his wife and the girls will not be coming with him either way- sigh....
Tonight at House church we continued our discussion about Saul and David in 1 Sam 24 the topic of Job came up as we talked about various passages and of course the comments made struck a sharp cord with me personally. At one point I just wanted to scream at everyone I love so dearly "you just don't get it!" their lives filled with struggles but so unjaded as of yet I envy them a bit...
Ok this is just my opinion I mean no offence to anyone with differing opinions I would also like to point out I have avoided reading Job lately for obvious reasons - I may need to refresh my memory a bit and read the story again.
In my opinion we seem to put Job up on a pedestal, the idea that Job was super human just doesn't gel with me and maybe in all truthfulness that was not exactly what was being expressed tonight. BTW it was a very small discussion about Job it was big to me because of what I am dealing with.
Job was rightcheaous and did not curse God does that mean he wasn't pissed off frustrated discouraged? Especially when his wife shows up at his ash pit as he mourned encouraging him to curse God and die? I would be pissed, I would have probably told her to get the heck away from me and leave me alone so I could morn and cry and scream in anguish over the hurt I had just gone through - just me and my God!
Sometimes I feel like the Judeo (sp?) Christian community expects people of faith to be superhuman I think sometimes even if we don't really believe it we compare Job to that super human mentality. I am going through hell yet my grief and losses don't even compare to Jobs and although I have no desire to curse God and die I don't feel very rightcheous. I also know that feelings and reality are not always the same.
My question is what am I called to what is "expected" of me ( gosh I hate to use that word!)How am I to respond to the crap I am going through, all pie and the sky everything is sweet and couldn't be better, it's not sweet and it could be a whole hell of a lot better couldn't it? Ok, I admit it, there are sweet things the roof over my head, my friends, my family, my critter friends, beautiful music, sunsets, and children laughing Just to name a few!
But, (don't- cha just hate the but!!!) it sucks to be me right now, could you do it non stop deaths of people you love, non stop trials, non stop health crisis for you and your family, non stop financial struggles, non stop stresses, non stop cut off notices on your door, non stop legal issues you don't understand fully, non stop negligence?
I would like to point out that I also have a non stop God who will never leave me or forsake me! And that everyone I know is going through something especially those in the path of the hurricanes - it is definitely non stop for them. And thank God I don't have cancer I can walk have a roof over my head and loving friends and family!
What I am getting at is I jut don't think life is fair sometimes it just sucks and we were never promised fair or that life that would not have challenges and although it pisses me off to hear people (myself included) whine about the trivial we just should not expect people to be all joy joy happy happy when things are rough.
I want reality I want people to know I give a shit about there lives, the blessings, the mundane, the bitter sweet, the crap that is tearing them apart. I sure as hell don't want to feel like I have to be perfect or make them feel that way either. Just as I believe Job was far from perfect yet he was still a rightchious man! I also know it is better to wake up thankful blessing your life and the day verses waking up miserable and filled with self pity. I also recognize attitudes are contagious and I would like to exude a joyful spirit even in times of adversity. I know I sound like a bundle of contradictions, but in my crazy warped world it actually makes since ;)
Clarifier
Know one at my house church expects my perfection, a cord was struck with me over one innocent sentence. This is about me and the propaganda I believe we all find ourselves inundated with from time to time it is NOT about my friends or my church placing expectations on me. I just needed to vent about the mainstream ideas of the "church" I continue to find myself in opposition to. The church of the Bible unfortunately is not reflected in many of today's churches...
Ok, my rant is over for now maybe I will sleep?
Although, I am convinced one day in the near future the last four years of my life (at least) will be turned into a horribly written melodrama for the Lifetime Movie Network, and those of you who know me well know what I think about the quality of television oozing it way into the pours of trailer trash America (no offence -- some of my family and friends live in trailers ;) and my mothers room until 2 am every stinken night of the week via Lifetime!
My only concern about our story being submitted to Lifetime is although there is a heck of a lot of drama there just isn't any violence abuse or abduction so our story may be turned down. Unless I loose it and take a machete to the house since it is once again filled with mold or maybe go out get drunk and find someone to beat up which so fits with my violent nature LOL! Don't mess with me I'm a mean ol' chick!
Ok enough of the sarcasm I find myself coping day by day as life becomes increasingly more complicated and overwhelming. Clinging to my faith and praying the nightmare will soon be over or that at least I can learn to live better within the nightmare.
Tonight my mind is stirred with concerns for everyone I know and love in Florida (and those I do not) I continue to cry out for their protection and wait on pins and needles for an e mail confirming their safety. Selfishly wanting Jim to come next weekend even if things did get sticky with the hurricane, sad his wife and the girls will not be coming with him either way- sigh....
Tonight at House church we continued our discussion about Saul and David in 1 Sam 24 the topic of Job came up as we talked about various passages and of course the comments made struck a sharp cord with me personally. At one point I just wanted to scream at everyone I love so dearly "you just don't get it!" their lives filled with struggles but so unjaded as of yet I envy them a bit...
Ok this is just my opinion I mean no offence to anyone with differing opinions I would also like to point out I have avoided reading Job lately for obvious reasons - I may need to refresh my memory a bit and read the story again.
In my opinion we seem to put Job up on a pedestal, the idea that Job was super human just doesn't gel with me and maybe in all truthfulness that was not exactly what was being expressed tonight. BTW it was a very small discussion about Job it was big to me because of what I am dealing with.
Job was rightcheaous and did not curse God does that mean he wasn't pissed off frustrated discouraged? Especially when his wife shows up at his ash pit as he mourned encouraging him to curse God and die? I would be pissed, I would have probably told her to get the heck away from me and leave me alone so I could morn and cry and scream in anguish over the hurt I had just gone through - just me and my God!
Sometimes I feel like the Judeo (sp?) Christian community expects people of faith to be superhuman I think sometimes even if we don't really believe it we compare Job to that super human mentality. I am going through hell yet my grief and losses don't even compare to Jobs and although I have no desire to curse God and die I don't feel very rightcheous. I also know that feelings and reality are not always the same.
My question is what am I called to what is "expected" of me ( gosh I hate to use that word!)How am I to respond to the crap I am going through, all pie and the sky everything is sweet and couldn't be better, it's not sweet and it could be a whole hell of a lot better couldn't it? Ok, I admit it, there are sweet things the roof over my head, my friends, my family, my critter friends, beautiful music, sunsets, and children laughing Just to name a few!
But, (don't- cha just hate the but!!!) it sucks to be me right now, could you do it non stop deaths of people you love, non stop trials, non stop health crisis for you and your family, non stop financial struggles, non stop stresses, non stop cut off notices on your door, non stop legal issues you don't understand fully, non stop negligence?
I would like to point out that I also have a non stop God who will never leave me or forsake me! And that everyone I know is going through something especially those in the path of the hurricanes - it is definitely non stop for them. And thank God I don't have cancer I can walk have a roof over my head and loving friends and family!
What I am getting at is I jut don't think life is fair sometimes it just sucks and we were never promised fair or that life that would not have challenges and although it pisses me off to hear people (myself included) whine about the trivial we just should not expect people to be all joy joy happy happy when things are rough.
I want reality I want people to know I give a shit about there lives, the blessings, the mundane, the bitter sweet, the crap that is tearing them apart. I sure as hell don't want to feel like I have to be perfect or make them feel that way either. Just as I believe Job was far from perfect yet he was still a rightchious man! I also know it is better to wake up thankful blessing your life and the day verses waking up miserable and filled with self pity. I also recognize attitudes are contagious and I would like to exude a joyful spirit even in times of adversity. I know I sound like a bundle of contradictions, but in my crazy warped world it actually makes since ;)
Clarifier
Know one at my house church expects my perfection, a cord was struck with me over one innocent sentence. This is about me and the propaganda I believe we all find ourselves inundated with from time to time it is NOT about my friends or my church placing expectations on me. I just needed to vent about the mainstream ideas of the "church" I continue to find myself in opposition to. The church of the Bible unfortunately is not reflected in many of today's churches...
Ok, my rant is over for now maybe I will sleep?
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
It is getting harder by the day, sometimes it feels harder by the moment I am emotionally physically and spiritually exhausted. Came home from an orientation for teaching and crashed into bed. Other then a couple of phone calls and stress of the elec company on our door to shut off electricity I have been in bed. Thankfully my mother’s need of oxygen held them off… I have never been so unproductive, never been so broke I am thankful for the roof over our heads but I know baring another miracle we will drown. I hate feeling like this, I am so tiered, I don’t mean to whine and complain or be all poor pitiful me I just don’t know how to deal with everything I am so incredibly tiered. All we can do is continue to pray and most the time I am too tiered to even so that… God please help us to cling to you and not give up hope….
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Chester A Garfield Sharp Aug 24 1925 - May 22 1985
The following pictures are of my dad who would have turned 79 today, it is hard for me to imagine my father being this age he was very youthful like my mom who is turning 75 and seems like she is 50 something. The photos are a priceless gift given to me many years ago by my aunt who has since passed away. I treasure the few I have of my father as a young man and pray one day I will have more.
My dad was goofy, told corny jokes, and gave great bear hugs, loved kids was sacrificial, played Hymns and Blue Grass on the mandolin and mumbled when he sang even though he had a nice voice. He embarrassed me on a regular basis loved Jesus and would spend many late nights reading the Bible. He liked to push my buttons about the KJB - he being a die hard Baptist did not like his daughter reading the other not nearly as accurate versions - I am sure he had a serious talk with God when I gave my first sermon the year after he died! LOL
he died several hours after talking to me on the phone, our ritual- I would close by saying "bye daddy I love you" and he would say "I do you too" classic response :) the day he died he never gave me a chance to say it, he told me he loved me and as I handed the phone to my mom I LOL and she teased him about it, those were the last words my dad said to me I am thankful for that.
The grief has changed over the years it is bitter sweet now filled with thanksgiving that he is not in pain or miserable because he had to retire so young. He is also free from the travesties of this world like 911 and the current war. He would have a few choice words to say about how women dress today and would probably whoop my butt for even watching extreme makeover even though I am 40! :)
We were making the transition from father daughter to father daughter and friends the year he died; I still think of him every day and miss him terribly....
My dad was goofy, told corny jokes, and gave great bear hugs, loved kids was sacrificial, played Hymns and Blue Grass on the mandolin and mumbled when he sang even though he had a nice voice. He embarrassed me on a regular basis loved Jesus and would spend many late nights reading the Bible. He liked to push my buttons about the KJB - he being a die hard Baptist did not like his daughter reading the other not nearly as accurate versions - I am sure he had a serious talk with God when I gave my first sermon the year after he died! LOL
he died several hours after talking to me on the phone, our ritual- I would close by saying "bye daddy I love you" and he would say "I do you too" classic response :) the day he died he never gave me a chance to say it, he told me he loved me and as I handed the phone to my mom I LOL and she teased him about it, those were the last words my dad said to me I am thankful for that.
The grief has changed over the years it is bitter sweet now filled with thanksgiving that he is not in pain or miserable because he had to retire so young. He is also free from the travesties of this world like 911 and the current war. He would have a few choice words to say about how women dress today and would probably whoop my butt for even watching extreme makeover even though I am 40! :)
We were making the transition from father daughter to father daughter and friends the year he died; I still think of him every day and miss him terribly....
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
INSOMNIA!
Ok, this is getting so old I need to sleep, my mind isn't so busy lately cause we have secured housing and the stress has been reduced considerably. I still worry too much but comparatively my mind is pretty quiet so why cant I stinkin sleep!
Monday, August 16, 2004
Catching up…
I talked with a real lawyer type person Friday, no voice mail no run around no telephone interview. We arranged a real face to face for Tuesday I am elated and pray this is the right person, so far it's the only one so...
Enjoyed my day of freedom Thursday, resisted the urge to run & dance naked through the house ;) - just worked, slept, did laundry and dealt with a broken water heater.
Went to one of the local tech schools Friday and finished my application for Continue ed classes, we will be teaching two aromatherapy workshops, hope it goes well and grows into more classes. The program looks promising and they have a larger Cont ed department then Miami. Found out I have to be finger printed etc, my anonymous existence on planet earth will soon cease!
Received really bad news about my last bit of funding late Fri afternoon, I was devastated had a hard time dealing. Worked myself into a frenzy for the market etc then had insomnia again and didn't fall to sleep until after 5 am - I then overslept and woke up at 10 am totally missed it, will probably burn more bridges although I pray I haven't!
Had a really good night Sat hanging with friends at Temberwolf for great concert it was SO worshipful David Crowder Band, Mercy Me, Michael W Smith it was probably one of the most relaxing worshipful times I have had in a while. I miss singing so much; I really need to try to do something no matter how bad I sound....
Went to hang with a friend for his first sermon today, he did a great job and it was fun cool to see him reaching out and touching lives. Crashed most of today too tiered from the weekend, up in time for house church which was great as always. Happy that students are coming back - sad our in depth discussions will change as time goes on.
Had a great time hanging with a friend tonight up town, lots of LOL and getting to know each other better looking forward to more relaxing nights Lord knows I need them. Now time to hopefully fall asleep - need to deal with funding issues in the morning and have a conference call for a biz venture I have been working on that baring another miracle is now lost. Time will tell, hope I can remain faithful..
Enjoyed my day of freedom Thursday, resisted the urge to run & dance naked through the house ;) - just worked, slept, did laundry and dealt with a broken water heater.
Went to one of the local tech schools Friday and finished my application for Continue ed classes, we will be teaching two aromatherapy workshops, hope it goes well and grows into more classes. The program looks promising and they have a larger Cont ed department then Miami. Found out I have to be finger printed etc, my anonymous existence on planet earth will soon cease!
Received really bad news about my last bit of funding late Fri afternoon, I was devastated had a hard time dealing. Worked myself into a frenzy for the market etc then had insomnia again and didn't fall to sleep until after 5 am - I then overslept and woke up at 10 am totally missed it, will probably burn more bridges although I pray I haven't!
Had a really good night Sat hanging with friends at Temberwolf for great concert it was SO worshipful David Crowder Band, Mercy Me, Michael W Smith it was probably one of the most relaxing worshipful times I have had in a while. I miss singing so much; I really need to try to do something no matter how bad I sound....
Went to hang with a friend for his first sermon today, he did a great job and it was fun cool to see him reaching out and touching lives. Crashed most of today too tiered from the weekend, up in time for house church which was great as always. Happy that students are coming back - sad our in depth discussions will change as time goes on.
Had a great time hanging with a friend tonight up town, lots of LOL and getting to know each other better looking forward to more relaxing nights Lord knows I need them. Now time to hopefully fall asleep - need to deal with funding issues in the morning and have a conference call for a biz venture I have been working on that baring another miracle is now lost. Time will tell, hope I can remain faithful..
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Sweet Sleep!
Things continue to move with the speed of a snail on the legal/mold hell front although I did have a productive day thanks to much needed sleep last night. Yesterday was a nightmare I hadn't slept more the 8-10 hrs in about 6 days, ended up extremely tiered vulnerable i.e. cried at the drop of a hat. Today after getting about 5 hrs sleep I am feeling so much better! It's amazing how much good sleep can make you feel - pray I can sleep again tonight. Looking forward to tomorrow - this sounds bad but my mom will be gone most of the day to a dinner theater so from morning till 3 or 4 I am a free woman I can crank up tunes etc! I love her tons but I rarely get a day just to be so I am looking forward to it.
Still amazed and grateful to have a roof over our heads, it is AMAZING that someone would do this for us; I still can't believe it at times. I fantasize about being able to help people one day in a significant way....
Tomorrow I plan to call an attorney a friend told me about today we also have a phone interview with a lawyer at 4 pm hopefully we will find someone soon who will do a great job, take the case on contingency etc.
Trying to decide if I have enough energy to go to a meteor shower party tonight, looks like it will be cold and a little cloudy but we might actually get to see a few little heavenly fireworks now all I have to do is get motivated and find some warm cloths to wear or crawl into bed and be lazy.
I keep forgetting to journal the latest happenings other then mold hell cause of the hectic nature of the past couple weeks. My friend is HOME from the hospital her surgery was a success and she is recovering. Her little friend (ok NOT so little:) Pan is now home with her and we miss her terribly, accept for the chunks of hair all over the house and yard! Two months ago we though she might die now there is hope although I continue to pray she can find the willpower to quit smoking before that takes its toll!
Still amazed and grateful to have a roof over our heads, it is AMAZING that someone would do this for us; I still can't believe it at times. I fantasize about being able to help people one day in a significant way....
Tomorrow I plan to call an attorney a friend told me about today we also have a phone interview with a lawyer at 4 pm hopefully we will find someone soon who will do a great job, take the case on contingency etc.
Trying to decide if I have enough energy to go to a meteor shower party tonight, looks like it will be cold and a little cloudy but we might actually get to see a few little heavenly fireworks now all I have to do is get motivated and find some warm cloths to wear or crawl into bed and be lazy.
I keep forgetting to journal the latest happenings other then mold hell cause of the hectic nature of the past couple weeks. My friend is HOME from the hospital her surgery was a success and she is recovering. Her little friend (ok NOT so little:) Pan is now home with her and we miss her terribly, accept for the chunks of hair all over the house and yard! Two months ago we though she might die now there is hope although I continue to pray she can find the willpower to quit smoking before that takes its toll!
Monday, August 09, 2004
God is always good
It's been awhile since I have written, stress taking its toll this past week as I battled multiple migraine headaches sleeplessness and fatigue. Our blessing came in a phone call early Saturday morning I was dazed and sleepy after being up all night ill. It still seems surreal, a gift too big to fathom to large to find the words to express the full extent of what dwells in the heart.
Ok, what is this huge blessing I must try to find the words to express? A local Christian businessman bought the house we are currently living in, and paid the back rent so we would have a place to live! How do you come to terms with the magnitude of his generosity the magnitude of our God and how our prayers are always answered on time even when we think they are not being answered at all. My faith has been shaken, and I admit it still is as the events of today unfolded and now crush hard against my spirit - my human nature revealed once again.
Even so, we are not homeless, when all was lost and seemed hopeless, when we were crying out to our Lord in despair a man we have barely seen in a multitude of years stepped forward and did the unimaginable. How do we come to terms with his generosity how do we come to terms with the doubt that has been in our heart as we have cried out to our God have you forsaken us?
At first we were in shock and as the day went on joy permeated our souls and filled us with light hearts our relief indescribable. A friend’s mom took one look at me at an Open House and said you look so light, the blessing lifted our spirits lighted our load and humbled us in new ways with gratitude immeasurable.
This morning we were almost robbed of that joy, at 8:30 am a fax arrived from our former attorney notifying us our case has been dismissed. On Friday shortly after the judges clerk assured me we could share our concerns with the judge on Tuesday and ask for a continuance the judge dismissed our case. No one called there was no significant notice given, maybe it was a blessing we had two days of unbelievable hope.
Ok, its not like we don’t have hope now but we are feeling the weight of the significance of this event. We are uncertain what the judge will do, I have tried writing him a letter several times but I am at a loss as to what needs to be said. My heart too close and too devastated by the circumstances and what this means if they refuse to reopen our case.
I cannot imagine not reopening the case it is a strong one, I find it hard to believe the actions of our insurance company could be justified. I ask myself where is justice and what kind of world do we live in? I remain hopeful but the hope I felt yesterday makes today’s feelings seem insignificant. I find myself crying out again where are you God have you forsaken us? Yet yesterday all I could do is say our God is a great God! Like the children of God wandering in the desert I have too quickly forgotten who my deliver is.
We will press on, we will not give up even though we feel as David as he hid in the mountains with his enemies surrounding him, betrayed by those he loved - we will continue to believe and reach for eternal joy. But I will not lie to myself or anyone else, I am broken, hurt, lonely and desperately want to walk in freedom and see justice served. All we can ever really do is pray continue to trust and ask God to increase our faith....
Ok, what is this huge blessing I must try to find the words to express? A local Christian businessman bought the house we are currently living in, and paid the back rent so we would have a place to live! How do you come to terms with the magnitude of his generosity the magnitude of our God and how our prayers are always answered on time even when we think they are not being answered at all. My faith has been shaken, and I admit it still is as the events of today unfolded and now crush hard against my spirit - my human nature revealed once again.
Even so, we are not homeless, when all was lost and seemed hopeless, when we were crying out to our Lord in despair a man we have barely seen in a multitude of years stepped forward and did the unimaginable. How do we come to terms with his generosity how do we come to terms with the doubt that has been in our heart as we have cried out to our God have you forsaken us?
At first we were in shock and as the day went on joy permeated our souls and filled us with light hearts our relief indescribable. A friend’s mom took one look at me at an Open House and said you look so light, the blessing lifted our spirits lighted our load and humbled us in new ways with gratitude immeasurable.
This morning we were almost robbed of that joy, at 8:30 am a fax arrived from our former attorney notifying us our case has been dismissed. On Friday shortly after the judges clerk assured me we could share our concerns with the judge on Tuesday and ask for a continuance the judge dismissed our case. No one called there was no significant notice given, maybe it was a blessing we had two days of unbelievable hope.
Ok, its not like we don’t have hope now but we are feeling the weight of the significance of this event. We are uncertain what the judge will do, I have tried writing him a letter several times but I am at a loss as to what needs to be said. My heart too close and too devastated by the circumstances and what this means if they refuse to reopen our case.
I cannot imagine not reopening the case it is a strong one, I find it hard to believe the actions of our insurance company could be justified. I ask myself where is justice and what kind of world do we live in? I remain hopeful but the hope I felt yesterday makes today’s feelings seem insignificant. I find myself crying out again where are you God have you forsaken us? Yet yesterday all I could do is say our God is a great God! Like the children of God wandering in the desert I have too quickly forgotten who my deliver is.
We will press on, we will not give up even though we feel as David as he hid in the mountains with his enemies surrounding him, betrayed by those he loved - we will continue to believe and reach for eternal joy. But I will not lie to myself or anyone else, I am broken, hurt, lonely and desperately want to walk in freedom and see justice served. All we can ever really do is pray continue to trust and ask God to increase our faith....
Monday, August 02, 2004
Veritasian wedding II
All I can say is WOW ok, I can say more then that :) in two weeks I have seen two beautiful couples marry both totally in love with each other and Jesus. Each wedding unique and a sweet reflection of the relationship Christ longs to have with us. Erik and Christi had a simple traditional wedding and I found myself fighting back tears before Christi made it three steps into the room. The ceremony the vows beautiful and reveling the truth of there hearts.
Jason and Andrea chose to have there wedding on Saturday at the home we meet in for house church. Quiet intimate and very family oriented we all pitched in some way and it reminded me of stories I have heard about weddings hundreds if not thousands of years ago. It was touching I am sure the whole place was in tears at some point I know I was. It was sweet words seem inappropriate I think if you were there you would understand what I mean. The presence of God lay thick all around us there were times I felt I could look up and see Christ.
Two couples you cannot help but love, I look forward to watching them grow closer to each other there community and God :)
Jason and Andrea chose to have there wedding on Saturday at the home we meet in for house church. Quiet intimate and very family oriented we all pitched in some way and it reminded me of stories I have heard about weddings hundreds if not thousands of years ago. It was touching I am sure the whole place was in tears at some point I know I was. It was sweet words seem inappropriate I think if you were there you would understand what I mean. The presence of God lay thick all around us there were times I felt I could look up and see Christ.
Two couples you cannot help but love, I look forward to watching them grow closer to each other there community and God :)
Typical Friday
Friday was a totally strange day; I have given up on anyone returning phone calls it was another day of strategizing and researching with no results to speak of. I have to believe there is a reason for this or I will go crazy maybe it is just life just the circumstances of the culture we live in. but my heart longs for a reason a delay with a greater purpose for a greater good?
I had planed to go to cinti to hang with friends but my bro and his wife ended up coming over to do laundry and have dinner with us so I changed my plans - then they showed up two hrs late! I was so pissed off it was frustrating didn’t bother to heat up there dinner either tell me your coming at 6 pm you sure as hell should be there within reason and not at 8pm, and not with some lame ass excuse about playing a stupid video game, he is not 10 years old but 42!
I had planed to go to cinti to hang with friends but my bro and his wife ended up coming over to do laundry and have dinner with us so I changed my plans - then they showed up two hrs late! I was so pissed off it was frustrating didn’t bother to heat up there dinner either tell me your coming at 6 pm you sure as hell should be there within reason and not at 8pm, and not with some lame ass excuse about playing a stupid video game, he is not 10 years old but 42!
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