Still Dealing

Today was another day like all others of late, dealing with hospital bureaucracy - I watched them spin on a dime and refuse to honor my friends request to give me info, which I believe is illegal but we don't have legal counsel so... All the doctors say she will go to a skilled facility time will tell I cannot do any more and continue to do less daily, setting stricter boundaries for sanity sake.

After the chaos at the hosp, went to hang out with a few old friends and met a couple new ones had a wonderfully relaxing afternoon with one of the sweetest couples I have ever met. I am looking forward to spending more time with them I felt a cool connection with them - it was pretty neat. Hard to leave I wanted to stay and hang out a while longer but Pan needed a little XOXO poor thing really is lonely I may have to stay overnight in the house with the stale smoke soon ...yuck!

I have become way too attached to my cell, ran out of min today actually went over which is totally scary considering the ridiculous cost per min after the plan ends. So no phone calls on the cell for 9 days accept for night and weekend, Not sure I can survive - what did we do before cell phones! LOL

I think I may have screwed up and said something out of character to a friend recently. Feeling pretty convicted about it trying to figure out if I need to go to this person and apologies? Hopefully I will make the right choice, no matter what Wish I had just kept me big mouth shut I need to think before I speak!

my work load is getting harder and my energy level low pain level high add the situation with my friend and I have little time for very major issues that need to be addressed I keep praying for wisdom and direction to know what to do next hopefully tomorrow will be a productive day filled with successes not failures...

I Need To Sleep

Spent most of last night trying to sleep without success finally fell to sleep after 9 am only to be awakened with another crisis at the hospital at 1 pm, so off to pray with a friend then on to HIPAA hell at the hospital. The very rights that are supposed to help guard our privacy and protect patient rights are in some cases endangering patient lives. It is so very frustrating in the end I hope we made headway time will tell.

Had a great night hangin with JD helping out with a youth meeting for a couple of hours. I was a human guinea pig placed on an alter for dissection inquisitive minds with few boundaries made it an interesting night. Not only did I survive but I had a blast and loved the experience and the teens, I miss the old life sometimes....

Trying to get to sleep without success, Pan tucked in at her mom's I am concerned about her because we have a storm brewing outside which she hates wish I could bring her home with me it is frustrating to not have a fenced in yard - she is hard to control on a chain.

A video review of fri night Bubba Ho Tep - what a waist of rental money, not that I was expecting a masterpiece considering the source. It was hysterically funny but highly vulgar and inappropriate. I know some may think I am being a prude and I did LOL until I had tears in my eyes. I don't think it even really had a plot but the Elvis story line was a hoot the best "what really happen to Elvis" to date in IMHO :) and who can resist JFK being dyed black and placed in a nursing home rather then assassinated. The opening line a crude forshadowing of a B movie All in all a good night chillin with a friend and escaping a little reality but we should have looked harder for a movie both of us had not seen ;)

Almost Famous

Cant sleep tonight, this morning(?) need to ramble, spent part of the day with my brother and his wife doing the family thang today two days free of hospital visits still wiped out but nice to have a little brake. My brother and I were having a conversation about the new gun laws how far does the government go and or individuals. Not being a fan of guns but trying to tolerate and respect the rights of individuals to choose to own them - however crazy that seems.... Talked about how my rights fit in as a person who would not feel comfortable around someone carrying a gun.

The smoking issue came up so I read him my pissed off at smokers blog entry, At that point he got the strangest look on his face and said that it sounded very familiar. He went on to tell me a local news station had been covering anti smoking issues and had read excerpts from internet blogs. We argued back and forth about the possibility that my blog was read when he exclaimed "did you use Vir?" he recalled the newsman saying "Thanks a lot Vir" in the closing statements and reporting that they could not reach me by e mail and directed listeners to the web address - I totally freaked out! My brother thought it sounded strangely familiar but who would expect to hear their sisters nick name on the news and connect the dots. Guess I just wasn't expecting internet fame so soon LOL!

My sister in law confirmed the story - my bro was not messing with my head. So now my blog and my narrow minded smoking opinions are famous, at least locally :) in just one month of blogging I have hit the big time! God help the tourists it may be getting crowded BTW -welcome to my aquarium...

Eye Of The Storm

Melt down on Wednesday, ER all day Thursday luckily I did not join in grace the sustaining force has brought us through for now, hopefully the tide will turn and lives will be saved. Details overwhelm me the compounding nature of the apparent curse and just plain old life too much to take in. I have never seen or been through anything like the past few months and I have seen more then my fair share.

Contemplation of what the body mind and spirit can endure continue to spin in my head just when you think you cannot stand another rain drop a storm explodes and drenches you with reality. But then there is the Eye, peaceful safe calm chaos exploding on every side the raging wind whipping around you only a gentle mist against your face as you sit within a little tranquility.

Exhaustion sux

I am too tiered for words the past two weeks feel like a year so much has happened I barely know how to connect my thoughts. What started off as a high stress week gently melted into a more serine existence sleeping every chance I could to recuperate from the chaos. Surprise a friend last Friday night at The Grill over good food with a hot Texan who flew in for the event. It was fun, he freaked out, over all a wickedly successful caper to be proud of, He will never forget 25 :)

Sat morning brought promise of more independence for my friend only to end with an all-nighter due to a high fever, spent all day Sunday at the ER on my last leg - heart breaking to see her struggle. A friend rescued me with a late dinner and a long walk through campus, the dark path of Bishop Woods were filled with sounds of cicadas - good medicine for the soul, burned up a little frustration that helped keep my body from total atrophy. Ended with a relaxing wade through the fountains and pleasant conversation, the only "rule" playful topics only NO STRESS TALK ALLOWED! :) I know it has been said, but it doesn't hurt to continue to remind myself, I am blessed with the best friends anyone could possibly have:)

Recuperated all day Monday little productivity, fatigue and pain still taking their toll, went to the hospital yesterday only to be surprised at my friends release, surgery will fallow in a week or so. My concern over this release weighed heavy on my heart in the end the truth was revealed, she had asked to go home, a premature decision which she admitted only after returning home suffering from an excruciatingly painful car ride.

Rescued again last night for a couple hours of play ran into a few friends celebrating yet another birthday good conversation and silliness lightened my load but it wasn't my wisest decision based on my current physical battles. Up early this morning running errands now thankful to be home. I will be climbing into a hot bath with lavender soon, looking forward to spiritual reflection and relaxation before a friend brings over lunch and good conversation, another blessing to be thankful for. Praying for motivation and energy to get in a few hrs of work today and hopefully an hr nap, God please help me recuperate soon...

Dreaming of Hercules

When the phone woke me up this morning I was in the middle of a dream it was probably 2000 years ago I was a maiden fleeing from the enemy, all my earthly possessions were in a huge basket that I struggled to carry I was with a couple other "maidens" and we were searching for refuge stopping along the path hiding etc we stumbled upon a flat bed type cart and all of a sudden Hercules, Kevin Sorbos Hercules was towering before us lifting our baskets into the cart and hitching up a horse rescuing us from our oppressors.

Now for some reason Kevin wasn’t really Hercules in my dream but Robin Hood! Although he was still the way cute Kevin Sorbo for which I am grateful :) anyway all of a sudden the enemy was all around us Robin (Kevin Sorbo) picked me up and carried me to the cart and hides me behind the baskets and shelters me from our attackers. who turn out to be The Lost boys um.. Peter Pans Lost Boy’s yes I know I need serious therapy – the funniest thing is I cant remember the last time I saw TV or a movie this was totally out of the blue!

Anyway the lost boys were attacking with vigor when I look up fearing the worst, expecting swords and or bows to pierce me at any moment in spite of Robin's (Kevin's) strong arms covering me. The Lost Boys weapons were plastic knives, yes plastic cutlery the new weapon of choice Robin, Hercules or who ever the heck he was flung the lost boys away from me like feathers but for some reason one of the Lost Boys was able to wield his sword (plastic cutlery) at me with great vigor jabbing me twice with his weapon before Kevin saved the day. Just then the phone rang…. bummer ;)

Wanted ENERGY

Very tiered today can't seem to get anything accomplished although I keep plugging away. Deadlines will approach before you know it and I still have a million things to do! Maybe it's the grief thing still raring its ugly head or perhaps just plain old exhaustion. Looking forward to a little playing with a friend tonight to celebrate his b-day now all I need is energy!

The date approaches the memories stir the water clouds….

It will soon be 19 years I can see his beautiful crystal blue eyes and the wonderful smile lines around them, I remember dancing on his shoes upside down tickles and Bugs Bunny on Saturday mornings, a ritual even in high school. I remember finding him, but I prefer thinking of his eyes, I remember the look on my mothers face but I prefer thinking of him coxing her to dance in her clunky braces to their favorite song Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Love Me - I miss him….

Sweet Innocents

Escaped uptown this afternoon to write and focus on what needs to be done, I found myself distracted by children playing in the water fountains. Squealing in delight their faces beamed with beautiful smiles, giggles exploding from their mouths as they tested the waters, sweet innocents all around them. Absent was shame rejection and insecurities a sweet reminder of simpler times and simple truths that brought me peace.

Rich Girl

Last night Cathy brought us a Yummy home made Spaghetti dinner, this morning Kimmy blessed me by helping out in the office, Shana surprised me with a spontaneous trip to Kona for a smoothie – I had mango, it was SO good! An agreement made to enter the nursing home for rehab to help lighten the load, a call from a missed friend, Wonderful dinner tonight with great woman, an end to a season, lessons learned, and friendships sealed. It has been said you can measure a person's wealth by his friends - guess who is loaded!! ;)

Jane

Unfortunately I am still in the funk melancholy reflective and grieving over things I cannot change. Can't believe it been almost a year I still think of her every day my second mom, my friend. I grieve for Jimmy too I can't imagine life after your mother dies. It will be 19 for my dad on the 22 I still miss him every day. I am tired of being sad I know without a shadow of doubt I will see them again one day but my selfish nature wants them here.

Strugling With Reality

It has been a long day, wonderful friends from cinti in town to help lift me up and lighten my day. Support and counsel from Veritas, played pool while listening to local tunes. Reaching out desperately trying to help only to find myself sinking deeper. Don't know how much more I can do too tiered to think - beyond any limit ever imagined. I don't want to let her down but I am sinking fast, only Gods grace to set boundaries can save me. I need a healthy way to help so that I don't loose myself and peace to know the decision is right...

Please don't burn the house down

I was so sick this morning - she asked I told her why, so she promised not smoke in the house while I did her TPN, now all I have to worry about is her burning down the house burn holes are everywhere!

Bitching about Smokers

My hair and skin have been permeated by smoke, I taste it, my head aches, my breathing is labored, and I am coughing. I hate cigarettes; I hate the selfish attitudes that can in some follow the right. I hate the lives lost from it, I hate the undercurrent of knowing and doing it anyway. So those of you reading this that are pissed at me for journaling such a thing- get over it! Don't write me don't tell me we all have to die sometime Don't send me your arguments of rights and challenge me to tolerance because I could care less, this is an issue I have little tolerance for I can love you and hate your choice. Sometimes I want to move to a state with half a brain that is not tolerant of public smoking. A world that outlaws smoking in any closed area sounds good to me. A child born today that doesn't know what a cigarette is in 5 years is even better! I love my friends but don't even try to make me like anyone's decision to smoke! Current Mood - Pissed Off and sick of watching those I love destroy themselves!

Communication

Hello again everyone, so sorry for the confusion I appreciate all of your prayers. My mom is great and doing well, but I have a close friend who has been ill and I have become a major player in her medical care for the time being, I have used blog to vent my concerns about her situation and the frustration I for those who are suffering and our current health and home situation due to mold remediation I am so sorry for causing any of you unnecessary concern. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers we need them anyway:) guess I need to be more specific in my posts I can be a little vague at times in my writings. MY MOM IS WELL :) -vir

Also for those who have asked where your comments have gone, when I upgraded Blog I lost them....Sorry :(

Pick Lines

Never thought I would have to learn how to set up a feeding tub “TPN” I don’t even know what that stands for yet... The nurses have been great but two tutorials seem barley enough. We are now on our own, trying to hold on to faith, faith that she will survive and faith that we can do the job. I pray I wont crumble under the pressure life has brought forth. So much pain so much suffering faith sustains me and fills me with my Fathers love, breaking forth light in the deep.

Confronting Truth

“Love those who persecute you” the topic of the Veritasian’s week the challenge strikes deep – it is not that feelings of hate flood my life, ambivalence bears down cold and dark. Righteous indignation fuels the fire against incompetent insurance adjustors- lies go deep the truth barely grazing the surface.

Our home and possessions all lost in mold hell, black and deadly it came its mission, rob us from the call, bring distractions into our lives steel our health build bitterness anger and self righteous attitudes. The house its possessions and the 14 were never really ours to loose the mold makes us feel robed of time love laughter and peace. Our fond memories buried deep beneath stress and fear feeds itself in our despair.

I want to forgive which is the essence of truth, I want to hate and so the lie continues, I want to love but that emotion eludes me as well. The mind and heart are incomprehensible not doing what you want them to do. Try to wrap yourself around truth and immediately begin to question the very thing you can feel and touch that stands before you.
-Vir

Great Men

Today brought with it Blessings

A friend home from the hospital and hopefully on the mend.
a visit from Sara with tales of Atlanta, my sweet friend also surprised me with treasure for my birthday and stories of a hero only recently recognized by those who usually wear blinders the person I admire most our 39 Pres. The Blessing(not excluding Sara of course) Living Faith autographed to me by the Man himself the public library awaits - my new treasure locked and guarded :)

Somewhat to my surprise, this has become a book whose core is love – the love that is possible among those who are closely related, among strangers allied by a common dream or faith, and even between people who begin by despising each other but find a way to see the image of God in each other’s humanity.

Returning to my beginnings, I see a number of times when what I believed I wanted most was challenged by a more difficult path. Whenever I had courage to choose that path, even in the midst of despair and uncertainty, I was given a glimpse of deeper truths that continue to sustain me.
Jimmy Carter
Wow - he is SO cool!

Mothersday

My mother is my closest family and friend, she is filled with faith and a prayerful spirit that touches the soul - I truly admire her and I am not alone in this. Life has been hard, even so, my parents must have been chosen by angels. Happy Mothers Day Mom!

God Please Save Us From The 80's

Micro Mini’s, Crimped hair, BIG hair, Cowboy hats, and Bright Colors everywhere – GOD HELP US the 80’s are back! :)

Resilient Woman of Faith

Um, to quell the confusion, my mom IS not in hospital or refusing treatment, I am worried about a close friend. Sorry for the misunderstanding. My mother still holds the title Resilient Woman of Faith :)

I Don't Get It

She refused treatment we pressed in, we fought, we prayed we got royally pissed off! she finely got to smoke the damn cigarettes - treatment begins. Her Loving Heavenly Father sighed and wept, I think I will join Him. How can we help, what can we do, where will it end.

Vulnerable

It’s hard to watch a parent age every now and then I catch her dozing (which she strongly denies) a glimpse of vulnerability catches me off guard and I crumble. She’s probably the strongest person I know, her resilience and vibrancy amazes me and I can’t imagine life without her…

Finely

yippee! Went to the ER today - never so exited to see someone admitted to a hospital I pray my dear friend will get the care she so badly needs even if it means surgery - but hope it does not come to that. Doing the Happy Dance Someone is finely listening!

Exposed

Tonight I press myself close to the glass - little is hidden….

Still exhausted, looking forward to resting and gaining a little more energy when I can. My mind is processing the past weekend a spiritual journey of truth and revelation. i am still trying to wrap my mind around it all. I spent most of my time with three incredible women their beauty shining from the inside out; I found myself confounded by their perceptions of who they are - their mirrors veiled, and hiding truth. Our shallow world has sunk deep into our souls and we fight desperately to purge its poison from our hearts - I am not alone in the battle.

Of course the topic of men came up on our journey, unrealistic expectations on both sides and the male search for the 20 year old trophy bride I know we were being cynical not everyone is like this but the judgments flew bringing to light deep wounds hidden and rising close to the surface. How many of us know or have dated men who are trapped deep within the lie we find ourselves?

Our journey lead me to many memories forgotten, when I was about 19 years old a friend and I were having dinner uptown at Bruno’s as I picked up my second slice of very yummy pizza my “close friend” informed me that If I continued to “eat like that” I would get fat. The irony is I am 5’6” and I weighed 108 – 112 pounds at that time. I don’t ever remember thinking about my weight until that moment - at that time the obsession began.

When I returned home to Oxford fifteen years ago, I weighed about 125 pounds and was mortified to be returning home fat, I would surely see people who new me and I was convinced they would judge me and tell my old friend (who I now avoided in shame) how fat and ugly I had become. Its funny how our minds operate, fat and ugly seem to go together especially when we are looking at ourselves. The irony is we usually don’t see those close to us the same way unless, God forbid, we are incredibly shallow individuals.

I never considered myself to have an eating disorder I am not nor have I ever been anorexic or bulimic and I refuse to label myself, but 20 years ago I internalized a lie that has taken root in my soul and distorted my life. Even post Prednisone with added pounds I long to shed it is still a lie….We obsess over our appearance we count our calories, carbs and fat grams- we are never satisfied and in this obsession we waist time and energy that could be spent living. I bought into the lie and the prophecy was fulfilled now I must ask God to help me to reach deep into my soul and purge the poison that has infected my life. - Vir

Whirlwinds

The last week has been incredibly busy filled with wonder chaos and adventure but it is now mostly a blur. I returned today from Pittsburgh, a short two day trip, a whirlwind of insight and challenge. I have not digested everything from the journey but its relevance to my existence and its significance in my life beats strongly in my heart. Not trying to be cryptic, it was just strange and wonderful and frightening all at once. Hung out with great women, their spiritual journeys touch my soul. I will write more later - sleep beckons, another week begins…