Exposed

Tonight I press myself close to the glass - little is hidden….

Still exhausted, looking forward to resting and gaining a little more energy when I can. My mind is processing the past weekend a spiritual journey of truth and revelation. i am still trying to wrap my mind around it all. I spent most of my time with three incredible women their beauty shining from the inside out; I found myself confounded by their perceptions of who they are - their mirrors veiled, and hiding truth. Our shallow world has sunk deep into our souls and we fight desperately to purge its poison from our hearts - I am not alone in the battle.

Of course the topic of men came up on our journey, unrealistic expectations on both sides and the male search for the 20 year old trophy bride I know we were being cynical not everyone is like this but the judgments flew bringing to light deep wounds hidden and rising close to the surface. How many of us know or have dated men who are trapped deep within the lie we find ourselves?

Our journey lead me to many memories forgotten, when I was about 19 years old a friend and I were having dinner uptown at Bruno’s as I picked up my second slice of very yummy pizza my “close friend” informed me that If I continued to “eat like that” I would get fat. The irony is I am 5’6” and I weighed 108 – 112 pounds at that time. I don’t ever remember thinking about my weight until that moment - at that time the obsession began.

When I returned home to Oxford fifteen years ago, I weighed about 125 pounds and was mortified to be returning home fat, I would surely see people who new me and I was convinced they would judge me and tell my old friend (who I now avoided in shame) how fat and ugly I had become. Its funny how our minds operate, fat and ugly seem to go together especially when we are looking at ourselves. The irony is we usually don’t see those close to us the same way unless, God forbid, we are incredibly shallow individuals.

I never considered myself to have an eating disorder I am not nor have I ever been anorexic or bulimic and I refuse to label myself, but 20 years ago I internalized a lie that has taken root in my soul and distorted my life. Even post Prednisone with added pounds I long to shed it is still a lie….We obsess over our appearance we count our calories, carbs and fat grams- we are never satisfied and in this obsession we waist time and energy that could be spent living. I bought into the lie and the prophecy was fulfilled now I must ask God to help me to reach deep into my soul and purge the poison that has infected my life. - Vir