I hurt it’s hard to watch the news to see the suffering I want to help but I have nothing to give? I think of my whining and complaining about insurance and injustice and negligence. How many will be left with so much less then us? How many will not even have a chance to see someone the love again? The devastation is numbing…..
I recognize nature is a powerful force and perhaps Gods design is to allow these things to clean the earth’s surface for new beginnings, none the less it is harsh as a human being to sit by and watch the suffering. Most of us can only pray or send a measly check and hope it actually reaches those in need and not the greedy.
I whine about insurance and contractors and gas and food prices as I sit dry and comfortable in a house provided to us in mercy. I have so much to be thankful for I wish I had more to give…..
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Access Rant!
This town so sux if you have a disability helped mom get to church this morning can’t count the number or cars sitting across driveways that she had to maneuver around and cars parked diagonally sticking 2-4 foot out in the street ~ if students don’t know how to drive or park send their cars home!
Most of the grated curbs in town are a mess I had to get her unstuck from an “ADA” ramp and she has 4in clearance with her new ride. I expect problems with trash usually beer cans when student are back, I expect a few buckling sidewalks around overgrown trees.
I suppose I thought Miami’s curbs would be better due to all their endowments for every cause in the universe but no it was almost as bad. The shame is mom could have driven herself and felt more independent and been safer if our society cared to think of something other then their selves.
I have a proposal every person in government including all university big dog’s around the world. Should be requires to spend a week (big gov. need a month!) in a wheelchair using public transportation and sidewalks ~ I give them all less then a day and they would be crying for change.
I wish I could do something, I know its expensive but I also know if a town is not too lazy they can get CDBG grants for ADA needs. So I complain and pray and maybe I will scream a little might make me feel better!
Most of the grated curbs in town are a mess I had to get her unstuck from an “ADA” ramp and she has 4in clearance with her new ride. I expect problems with trash usually beer cans when student are back, I expect a few buckling sidewalks around overgrown trees.
I suppose I thought Miami’s curbs would be better due to all their endowments for every cause in the universe but no it was almost as bad. The shame is mom could have driven herself and felt more independent and been safer if our society cared to think of something other then their selves.
I have a proposal every person in government including all university big dog’s around the world. Should be requires to spend a week (big gov. need a month!) in a wheelchair using public transportation and sidewalks ~ I give them all less then a day and they would be crying for change.
I wish I could do something, I know its expensive but I also know if a town is not too lazy they can get CDBG grants for ADA needs. So I complain and pray and maybe I will scream a little might make me feel better!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Waiting, Waiting, Waiting, Waiting....
Thought I better blog before the “blogger Nazi’s” show up at my door ready for torture :)
Over a week ago we were given an extension and two lawyers are investigating the case. Thanks to Elaine who saved the day by dropping off our file box we hope to hear something soon, um… like we think you have a great case and would LOVE to represent you and your mother!
I’m trying not to be anxious, praying like crazy for peace justice etc. I thought I would be happy about the continuance the fear I battle is that it is just drawing out things and “what if?” - trying not to think of it.
The last couple days have been good; I have started playing internet detective looking for old collage friends for a potential reunion next year. I have talked to almost half the class; don’t be impressed it is a very small school in the mountains and half the class is like 25 people! hehehe
The sucky thing is I have never been good at idle chit chat, I like reality so… although I would love to be all superficial about my life due to its pathetic nature, I find myself spilling….oh well.
The funniest thing about calling everyone has been there reaction to my singleness, apparently (and this will come as a shock to those who know me Now ferrsure! hehehe) People are in shock. I overheard someone whisper on the phone that I was her age and still single in a shocked southern accent. I on the other hand, was trying to be quiet as I lol so hard I had tears in my eyes trying desperately not to let this person know I had overheard her!
Another old friend from my dorm let out what sounded like a whimper of pain when I told her the news! I have also had the following other responses "your time will come" "I’m so sorry, that must be hard for you?" "So are you dating anyone?" yadda, yadda, yadda!
Last but not least the first response I received was one of my favovites ~ cause the guy who said it is too cool.
"CANT BELIVE YOU HAVNT SNAGGED A MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO FALL OFF THE SINGLE BAND WAGON....AFTER SCHOOL. OH WELL, REMEMBER WHAT PAUL SAID, "DONT SEEK A DUDE" ~~~~~~ "THEY JUST MUCK UP YOUR PLANS" ...:)
Gosh ya gotta luvim!
Maybe I was a different person then less jaded by the world I haven't dated as much since moving home compared to my early twenties. I think it is hard for some people to realize single is not a dirty word; I actually enjoy it most of the time and find myself blessed with freedoms my married friends do not have. Although I have many married friends with boat loads of kids that do everything you can think of so maybe it's your philosophy or maybe more realistically it’s how comfortable you and your mate are with your relationship, who knows?
So I am planning a reunion I may not even get to go too, but it is keeping my mind off gutted house stuff so... I do have to start documenting losses again and spread sheets of bills etc for our claim. Then there are the other three lawyers I need to call just in case. I am so not motivated and really don’t want to, it effects me in a not so nice way; its like I'm standing on a grenade and waiting for it to go off.
So I will try to call one lead or go threw one file or maybe take another hour today and play internet detective?
Over a week ago we were given an extension and two lawyers are investigating the case. Thanks to Elaine who saved the day by dropping off our file box we hope to hear something soon, um… like we think you have a great case and would LOVE to represent you and your mother!
I’m trying not to be anxious, praying like crazy for peace justice etc. I thought I would be happy about the continuance the fear I battle is that it is just drawing out things and “what if?” - trying not to think of it.
The last couple days have been good; I have started playing internet detective looking for old collage friends for a potential reunion next year. I have talked to almost half the class; don’t be impressed it is a very small school in the mountains and half the class is like 25 people! hehehe
The sucky thing is I have never been good at idle chit chat, I like reality so… although I would love to be all superficial about my life due to its pathetic nature, I find myself spilling….oh well.
The funniest thing about calling everyone has been there reaction to my singleness, apparently (and this will come as a shock to those who know me Now ferrsure! hehehe) People are in shock. I overheard someone whisper on the phone that I was her age and still single in a shocked southern accent. I on the other hand, was trying to be quiet as I lol so hard I had tears in my eyes trying desperately not to let this person know I had overheard her!
Another old friend from my dorm let out what sounded like a whimper of pain when I told her the news! I have also had the following other responses "your time will come" "I’m so sorry, that must be hard for you?" "So are you dating anyone?" yadda, yadda, yadda!
Last but not least the first response I received was one of my favovites ~ cause the guy who said it is too cool.
"CANT BELIVE YOU HAVNT SNAGGED A MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE FIRST TO FALL OFF THE SINGLE BAND WAGON....AFTER SCHOOL. OH WELL, REMEMBER WHAT PAUL SAID, "DONT SEEK A DUDE" ~~~~~~ "THEY JUST MUCK UP YOUR PLANS" ...:)
Gosh ya gotta luvim!
Maybe I was a different person then less jaded by the world I haven't dated as much since moving home compared to my early twenties. I think it is hard for some people to realize single is not a dirty word; I actually enjoy it most of the time and find myself blessed with freedoms my married friends do not have. Although I have many married friends with boat loads of kids that do everything you can think of so maybe it's your philosophy or maybe more realistically it’s how comfortable you and your mate are with your relationship, who knows?
So I am planning a reunion I may not even get to go too, but it is keeping my mind off gutted house stuff so... I do have to start documenting losses again and spread sheets of bills etc for our claim. Then there are the other three lawyers I need to call just in case. I am so not motivated and really don’t want to, it effects me in a not so nice way; its like I'm standing on a grenade and waiting for it to go off.
So I will try to call one lead or go threw one file or maybe take another hour today and play internet detective?
Monday, August 15, 2005
BLOG SPAM!
I am pissed my blogs have been spammed 6 times nothing is sacred anymore I thought SPAM on my fax was annoying enough!
Reprieve?
As I lay in bed praying in the spirit and asking God for mercy I also prayed that if He has no lawyer for us that this thing would just end. During this time the phone rang and the secretary of one of the lawyers I spoke to was relaying that the judge has given us a thirty day continuance on our case, so the two new guys can investigate our case.
We have a reprieve for a while, is it an answer to prayer ~ I hope it’s the answer we want, I don’t believe my prayers are wasted and I don’t believe our God would allow this to happen without purpose.
My prayer
God please have mercy and allow us to rind a lawyer and a resolution to our situation. Thy will be done cause we know your plan is best.
We have a reprieve for a while, is it an answer to prayer ~ I hope it’s the answer we want, I don’t believe my prayers are wasted and I don’t believe our God would allow this to happen without purpose.
My prayer
God please have mercy and allow us to rind a lawyer and a resolution to our situation. Thy will be done cause we know your plan is best.
Like a deer caught in the headlights
It’s almost 1 pm and I have done nothing but stare at the numbers and look up a few things on the net about or situation. I should be making calls but I’m so frightened I’m almost paralyzed.
Friday’s conference call went well, I suppose, the two lawyers said they need time to evaluate everything and will look at the case at the court house today and talk to the judge. They told me not to get my hopes up and to keep making phone calls to other lawyers.
I feel sick inside and pray they take the case, we so desperately need a break in all this, God gave us a roof over our heads one week before our eviction would have had us out on our bums. Trying desperately to believe there is a miracle just around the corner and we have started to turn…..
Friday’s conference call went well, I suppose, the two lawyers said they need time to evaluate everything and will look at the case at the court house today and talk to the judge. They told me not to get my hopes up and to keep making phone calls to other lawyers.
I feel sick inside and pray they take the case, we so desperately need a break in all this, God gave us a roof over our heads one week before our eviction would have had us out on our bums. Trying desperately to believe there is a miracle just around the corner and we have started to turn…..
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Angels Hiding in the Midst
Paula saved the day by clearing the jungle, nice to walk in the yard barefoot and not trip! We had such a nice time praying lunch and tons of needed encouragement. We were joined by Kara who continued to pray with us throughout the day and “held my hand” while I made calls. Breaking into tears so easily it was hard to do anything, if it were not for Paula and Kara I would have laid in bed and not bothered with anything anymore.
The law firm that has been putting off talking with me, the one that and I quote said “I promise you this if we cant take your case I will find someone who will”. Finely said “no” “our firm to small would not have time for any case but you’re if we took it” bla bla bla ok, not my best attitude, after six week of reviewing the case he did give me two names and Kara gave me a name so I have calls into everyone and a conference call set for tomorrow at 3:30. I pray we find someone quickly. I really wish people would not make promises they can’t keep especially lawyers. Only four biz days left…..
During this time I received a three way call from two wonderful ladies who lifted my spirit and placed truth in my heart. Admonishing me to play and rest and give it over to God because if he wants us to find legal counsel it will happen. Their prayers went deep, I find myself in awe of the people in my life and the love and support they poor out to my mother and I…..
About the time I was getting ready to lie down to rest Ginger (my moms home care worker) said we have company and to go out side. I should point out that Ginger had a huge smile on her face and her eyes are bugging out! :) I proceed outside in my scruffy cloths not showered and with my hair up in a pony tail to find Kimmy leaning over my car with a camera, with a huge grin on her face – a conspiracy a foot!
Kara and Christy come from hiding behind my car with huge smiles pushing a brand new top of the line Troy Built, Self Propelled, Candy Apple Red, Mulching Lawnmower covered with ribbons!
Well hey, I did what I do best lately and burst into tears mixed with much laughter while screaming Kim don’t you dare take a picture of me looking like hell! Christy stood oh so shyly and cute while giggling as only she can, to know my sweet friend Christy is to fall in love with adorable almost instantly!
Bearing hugs and a card signed by some of my fav Veritasian peeps they explained the conspiracy that was withheld from me to my amazement for a couple of weeks - I can figure most conspiracies out quicker then a snap. We were in shock to say the least; mom joined us as we were walked through the finer features of the new mower by Kara whose uncle works for the manufacturer and was in on the plot.
Kara’s uncle and a friend from work used their employee discounts that they receive only one day of the year to buy the mower at a huge savings. Two men we have never met reached out to us and blessed us – words, they just don’t cut it most of the time!
Over the summer our friends and our neighbors have offered to help cut the grass knowing our situation but we didn’t have a mower so a jungle was born, we never imagined such a sweet and generous gift.
When things are going so horribly wrong God sends angles baring gifts and encouragement, it’s His way of showering us with kisses and giving us hope. Our Bridegroom wants nothing more then to lavish us with His love especially when we get caught up in lies and forget His promises.
I know I’m sappy get over it hehehe.
After practically being dragged to the shower and yelled at, I decided to pull myself together and go to Ladies night out at Kona, which until last night was my all time fav restaurant but the took all my favorite things off their menu! So, so sad am I….;( Anyway was good to catch up with everyone and it did help me to lighten up a bit.
One more sappy thing k – no matter what anyone says I know with all my heart I have been blessed with better friends then thousands could have in ten lifetimes…. I love you guys so much - just when I wanted to crawl in a hole and thought I was all alone you reminded me (us!) that we are not!
I do have one concern my mother being a bit adventurous and hum how I should put this discreetly HELL ON WHEELS hehehe. May get crazy thoughts in her head that since the mower in self propelled and she can hot rod the chair behind it…… God help us!
Now I’m off to steal the film or memory card from Kim and if I can’t find the evidence I will be forced to inflict mortal harm….. ;)
The law firm that has been putting off talking with me, the one that and I quote said “I promise you this if we cant take your case I will find someone who will”. Finely said “no” “our firm to small would not have time for any case but you’re if we took it” bla bla bla ok, not my best attitude, after six week of reviewing the case he did give me two names and Kara gave me a name so I have calls into everyone and a conference call set for tomorrow at 3:30. I pray we find someone quickly. I really wish people would not make promises they can’t keep especially lawyers. Only four biz days left…..
During this time I received a three way call from two wonderful ladies who lifted my spirit and placed truth in my heart. Admonishing me to play and rest and give it over to God because if he wants us to find legal counsel it will happen. Their prayers went deep, I find myself in awe of the people in my life and the love and support they poor out to my mother and I…..
About the time I was getting ready to lie down to rest Ginger (my moms home care worker) said we have company and to go out side. I should point out that Ginger had a huge smile on her face and her eyes are bugging out! :) I proceed outside in my scruffy cloths not showered and with my hair up in a pony tail to find Kimmy leaning over my car with a camera, with a huge grin on her face – a conspiracy a foot!
Kara and Christy come from hiding behind my car with huge smiles pushing a brand new top of the line Troy Built, Self Propelled, Candy Apple Red, Mulching Lawnmower covered with ribbons!
Well hey, I did what I do best lately and burst into tears mixed with much laughter while screaming Kim don’t you dare take a picture of me looking like hell! Christy stood oh so shyly and cute while giggling as only she can, to know my sweet friend Christy is to fall in love with adorable almost instantly!
Bearing hugs and a card signed by some of my fav Veritasian peeps they explained the conspiracy that was withheld from me to my amazement for a couple of weeks - I can figure most conspiracies out quicker then a snap. We were in shock to say the least; mom joined us as we were walked through the finer features of the new mower by Kara whose uncle works for the manufacturer and was in on the plot.
Kara’s uncle and a friend from work used their employee discounts that they receive only one day of the year to buy the mower at a huge savings. Two men we have never met reached out to us and blessed us – words, they just don’t cut it most of the time!
Over the summer our friends and our neighbors have offered to help cut the grass knowing our situation but we didn’t have a mower so a jungle was born, we never imagined such a sweet and generous gift.
When things are going so horribly wrong God sends angles baring gifts and encouragement, it’s His way of showering us with kisses and giving us hope. Our Bridegroom wants nothing more then to lavish us with His love especially when we get caught up in lies and forget His promises.
I know I’m sappy get over it hehehe.
After practically being dragged to the shower and yelled at, I decided to pull myself together and go to Ladies night out at Kona, which until last night was my all time fav restaurant but the took all my favorite things off their menu! So, so sad am I….;( Anyway was good to catch up with everyone and it did help me to lighten up a bit.
One more sappy thing k – no matter what anyone says I know with all my heart I have been blessed with better friends then thousands could have in ten lifetimes…. I love you guys so much - just when I wanted to crawl in a hole and thought I was all alone you reminded me (us!) that we are not!
I do have one concern my mother being a bit adventurous and hum how I should put this discreetly HELL ON WHEELS hehehe. May get crazy thoughts in her head that since the mower in self propelled and she can hot rod the chair behind it…… God help us!
Now I’m off to steal the film or memory card from Kim and if I can’t find the evidence I will be forced to inflict mortal harm….. ;)
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
truth
This is what I really need to focus on!
Lord, I will not fear the situation that is before me, knowing that if I fear, I may be the one who is putting into motion that very thing I fear.
Based on Numbers 14:28
Lord, I will not fear the situation that is before me, knowing that if I fear, I may be the one who is putting into motion that very thing I fear.
Based on Numbers 14:28
Five days and counting......
Five business days left to see a miracle?
Not very productive in the mist of the count down to ????
Mom is not well every day we have fought going to the hospital - she needs meds I just want her off the evil drug that turns her inside out every time we run out and cant get it for her.
I just remembered all the spread sheets I was supposed to have in to the powers that be before next week. Not only are they about 40 hrs not finished I feel trapped and unable to make rational decisions right now. Actually my memory and concentration are so bad it hard to get anything done.
Still having nightmares – something about being at the hearing I was crying hysterically fell down sobbing and passed out. Oh what fun! Emotions are a crazy thing actually not far from thinking I have finely stepped off the path of all rationality. How do people in war torn countries with REAL problems survive?
Don"t get me wrong our problems are real and more serious then most people know or care to know. I just can’t imagine... We are so spoiled by our American culture!
Trying not to feel abandoned trying not to be pissed at the well meaning people who think loosing everything is a great way to "start over" and are orgasmic that my mom is living in town even though the bills are pilling up and this is killing us.
What a joy I am today huh?
Dear friends coming to help out for which we are so incredibly grateful. We are finely going to get the jungle mowed after about 5 + weeks, then another friend is coming to call lawyers with me -- hopefully we will find help this is horrible!
A friend yesterday asked for the best and worst case scenario to try to help me rationally think things out - it didn’t work I cried for hrs then woke up crying today. Bring on the little men with white jacket and don’t forget a nose wiper - my hands will be tied behind my back! ha ha
Ok, overly sarcastic and procrastinating the inevitable... have to stop writing and start making phone calls. I really hate this!
Not very productive in the mist of the count down to ????
Mom is not well every day we have fought going to the hospital - she needs meds I just want her off the evil drug that turns her inside out every time we run out and cant get it for her.
I just remembered all the spread sheets I was supposed to have in to the powers that be before next week. Not only are they about 40 hrs not finished I feel trapped and unable to make rational decisions right now. Actually my memory and concentration are so bad it hard to get anything done.
Still having nightmares – something about being at the hearing I was crying hysterically fell down sobbing and passed out. Oh what fun! Emotions are a crazy thing actually not far from thinking I have finely stepped off the path of all rationality. How do people in war torn countries with REAL problems survive?
Don"t get me wrong our problems are real and more serious then most people know or care to know. I just can’t imagine... We are so spoiled by our American culture!
Trying not to feel abandoned trying not to be pissed at the well meaning people who think loosing everything is a great way to "start over" and are orgasmic that my mom is living in town even though the bills are pilling up and this is killing us.
What a joy I am today huh?
Dear friends coming to help out for which we are so incredibly grateful. We are finely going to get the jungle mowed after about 5 + weeks, then another friend is coming to call lawyers with me -- hopefully we will find help this is horrible!
A friend yesterday asked for the best and worst case scenario to try to help me rationally think things out - it didn’t work I cried for hrs then woke up crying today. Bring on the little men with white jacket and don’t forget a nose wiper - my hands will be tied behind my back! ha ha
Ok, overly sarcastic and procrastinating the inevitable... have to stop writing and start making phone calls. I really hate this!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Crumbling Fast
Only six more days until… we are falling apart physically and emotionally we pray Thy will be done but really we want our way. A quick and easy get out of jail free card to rescue us from impending ruin.
Fear is a nasty thing – doing a horrible job trusting we just don’t know what to do or where to turn. Guess we are supposed to be all noble and say positive things? I’m petrified the “what ifs” screaming in my head… God have mercy if this thing is thrown out what will I do with my mom and no place to go?
This is so frustrating!
Please God help us to trust that everything will work out, please pick up the pieces of our lives and help us to remember your promises.
Fear is a nasty thing – doing a horrible job trusting we just don’t know what to do or where to turn. Guess we are supposed to be all noble and say positive things? I’m petrified the “what ifs” screaming in my head… God have mercy if this thing is thrown out what will I do with my mom and no place to go?
This is so frustrating!
Please God help us to trust that everything will work out, please pick up the pieces of our lives and help us to remember your promises.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Self Hatred
I wrote the following to a friend struggling with some of the same issues I do. Actually, they are some of the same issues that most of us struggle with, if we are brave enough to admit it. I edited it a bit but hope the heart of what God is doing will be evident. I feel as though something evil has finally been pried free, now comes the challenge of not ever allowing myself to be romanced again by deception.
Warning conservative blog peeps:
I know that some of you who read this blog are extremely conservative and find certain ideas and language to be offensive. I do not personally believe I have written anything all that extreme or offensive but you may? Please understand I seek nothing more then truth and sometimes it is delivered bluntly.
The lies that find their way into our minds and try to take root are so incredibly believable at times, it hard to know which way you are coming or going. Lies rob our joy beat us down and rob us from our destiny and they must be silence!
I could start making a list of lies next to the real truth about myself and others but I know from past experience it doesn't work. The lies manipulate our thoughts and make us think that people are just saying things to make us feel better. I do know that I’m getting angrier by the day and I‘m convinced it’s not an unrighteous kind of anger although I have been known to have a change of heart in these matters. ;)
I am PISSED OFF at the lies and at the human condition that allow those lies to cuddle up to us sensually and wrap themselves tightly around us like they are our lover.
Our true Lover does not inflame us to hatred against ourselves or others, He seeks to lavish His blessings and His tender words of endearment upon us because we are His finest creation, His life's work, His masterpiece. We are the love of His life and for Him, there is no other He would rather be with. He wants us to be aligned heart mind and soul with His truth, yet we create our own perverted realities that sicken His heart and crush Him.
On our wedding day when our husband or wife stands (or stood) gazing into our eyes and speaks to us before God, will we (did we?) stop them and say oh everything you just said is not true I am a worthless peace of SHIT? How then, can we daily stand before our God who gave up everything to embrace us in perfect beauty and grace not only say those vial words but fling the nasty stuff at Him?
He stands before us ignoring the excrement, tears pouring from His eyes saying I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful and I find no flaw in you.... I am not ashamed to admit I am sobbing now because I am guilty we all are to some degree. It needs to stop, the truth has to win or we will be lost and take with it every good and perfect gift that comes from God.
Sorry I’m preaching, well maybe not that sorry:) I am screaming to myself as well. The other night I spent 2 hrs on the phone with an old friend who challenged me and I was numb, anaesthetize to all but the lies. The lies make me feel, the lies are my friends, the lies are my lover. After that conversation I spent the next two hrs IM'ing with Kara, the lies seduced me again wrapping their perversion around me and I found comfort in them.
My sweet Beloved cried and grieved as He stood by me saying do not listen, don't be deceived, don't be ashamed, I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful, and I find no flaw in you....
Earlier when I read the words of my dear friend’s blog something snapped in me I was so enraged that she had been seduced by lies. I was outraged and I hurt for her and wanted so desperately for her to see that she was being deceived!
Then it hit me like never before, I realized we share the same lover and find similar comfort in the perverse deception he lavishes on us with a gleam in his eye as if to say I win, I am the master, the world is my brothel and I am its god.
To say the least this is a radical thought and for those of you who practice other religions or no religion. You will most likely roll your eyes and state “whatever” or sweetly tolerate our differences without much understanding laced maybe with a little fear that this chick has finely soared off the edge :)
~ just want you to know that’s ok I’m a big girl and can take it! :)
Before you have me committed think about this, every day we have things that float through our heads, ideas our culture or so called friends throw at us, or the thoughts that come at us out of a screwed up childhood, marriage etc.
When we embrace those negative thoughts they take root in us and we mold ourselves into their image as opposed to molding ourselves in the image of truth (which for me is God) and since we are buying into the narrow minded lie we never feel peace or fulfillment. We allow the lies to trap us in negative patterns of thinking and our lives are not as full, we become so entangled at times in the lies it is hard to love to be loved or even feel!
I would love to say that I will never again be in the same mess I have been, but I know that’s a dangerous thing to believe. I do know that every day I will have to take my thoughts captive and replace the negative with the truth.
I need friends who are not afraid to kick my Ass when I screw up and love me in spite of – LOL; but i'm pretty sure I have that covered already ;)
So I will press in and press on in hope that in replacing the lies with truth that my true self will finely emerge into freedom. I pray that for all of us........
Warning conservative blog peeps:
I know that some of you who read this blog are extremely conservative and find certain ideas and language to be offensive. I do not personally believe I have written anything all that extreme or offensive but you may? Please understand I seek nothing more then truth and sometimes it is delivered bluntly.
The lies that find their way into our minds and try to take root are so incredibly believable at times, it hard to know which way you are coming or going. Lies rob our joy beat us down and rob us from our destiny and they must be silence!
I could start making a list of lies next to the real truth about myself and others but I know from past experience it doesn't work. The lies manipulate our thoughts and make us think that people are just saying things to make us feel better. I do know that I’m getting angrier by the day and I‘m convinced it’s not an unrighteous kind of anger although I have been known to have a change of heart in these matters. ;)
I am PISSED OFF at the lies and at the human condition that allow those lies to cuddle up to us sensually and wrap themselves tightly around us like they are our lover.
Our true Lover does not inflame us to hatred against ourselves or others, He seeks to lavish His blessings and His tender words of endearment upon us because we are His finest creation, His life's work, His masterpiece. We are the love of His life and for Him, there is no other He would rather be with. He wants us to be aligned heart mind and soul with His truth, yet we create our own perverted realities that sicken His heart and crush Him.
On our wedding day when our husband or wife stands (or stood) gazing into our eyes and speaks to us before God, will we (did we?) stop them and say oh everything you just said is not true I am a worthless peace of SHIT? How then, can we daily stand before our God who gave up everything to embrace us in perfect beauty and grace not only say those vial words but fling the nasty stuff at Him?
He stands before us ignoring the excrement, tears pouring from His eyes saying I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful and I find no flaw in you.... I am not ashamed to admit I am sobbing now because I am guilty we all are to some degree. It needs to stop, the truth has to win or we will be lost and take with it every good and perfect gift that comes from God.
Sorry I’m preaching, well maybe not that sorry:) I am screaming to myself as well. The other night I spent 2 hrs on the phone with an old friend who challenged me and I was numb, anaesthetize to all but the lies. The lies make me feel, the lies are my friends, the lies are my lover. After that conversation I spent the next two hrs IM'ing with Kara, the lies seduced me again wrapping their perversion around me and I found comfort in them.
My sweet Beloved cried and grieved as He stood by me saying do not listen, don't be deceived, don't be ashamed, I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful, and I find no flaw in you....
Earlier when I read the words of my dear friend’s blog something snapped in me I was so enraged that she had been seduced by lies. I was outraged and I hurt for her and wanted so desperately for her to see that she was being deceived!
Then it hit me like never before, I realized we share the same lover and find similar comfort in the perverse deception he lavishes on us with a gleam in his eye as if to say I win, I am the master, the world is my brothel and I am its god.
To say the least this is a radical thought and for those of you who practice other religions or no religion. You will most likely roll your eyes and state “whatever” or sweetly tolerate our differences without much understanding laced maybe with a little fear that this chick has finely soared off the edge :)
~ just want you to know that’s ok I’m a big girl and can take it! :)
Before you have me committed think about this, every day we have things that float through our heads, ideas our culture or so called friends throw at us, or the thoughts that come at us out of a screwed up childhood, marriage etc.
When we embrace those negative thoughts they take root in us and we mold ourselves into their image as opposed to molding ourselves in the image of truth (which for me is God) and since we are buying into the narrow minded lie we never feel peace or fulfillment. We allow the lies to trap us in negative patterns of thinking and our lives are not as full, we become so entangled at times in the lies it is hard to love to be loved or even feel!
I would love to say that I will never again be in the same mess I have been, but I know that’s a dangerous thing to believe. I do know that every day I will have to take my thoughts captive and replace the negative with the truth.
I need friends who are not afraid to kick my Ass when I screw up and love me in spite of – LOL; but i'm pretty sure I have that covered already ;)
So I will press in and press on in hope that in replacing the lies with truth that my true self will finely emerge into freedom. I pray that for all of us........
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
How NOT to find a good Lawyer for a legitimate case in 400 days or less
Be honest
Make sure you have no money and are on the verge of bankruptcy
Have a nervous breakdown every two weeks that snows you under for days or weeks
Utilize pro bono programs that hook you up with Shysters
Tell other potential litigators about former shyster
Be sure to cover all details about shyster, no insurance assets hidden in family names, filing bankruptcy etc.
Tell small firms upfront you know the case is complicated
Tell large firms the same
Tell huge mega firms with 100 employee's the same
Hints for Lawyers: what to say to a client (with no money) to let them down easy.
Your case is Very complicated
We are a Very small firm and your case is Very complicated
We are a large firm and we have a business to run and your case is Very complicated
We are a mega firm with over 100 lawyers on staff and we do pro bono ,but not for you, its too complicated for such an understaffed firm as ourselves, sorry
I feel for you, but I have to feed my kids and keep a roof over our head It's a shame corporationsons get by with what they do today isn't it?
You can't make any money off insurance negligence in your state anymore - I really feel for you.
Your case could take 5K to 50K to prosecute and your don't have any money So sorry this dreaful thing has happened to you.
You have one of the best cases we have ever seen, we just are too understaffed to handle it right now - so keep looking for a lawyer
The number one The best excuse you can say to a potential client who has lost everything
Your case appears to be in the medium - low range we only take "large" multi million doller cases!
You to can be a victom!
be honest, pay your bills, buy appropriat insurance coverage, and let shyster contractors, remedeation teams, insurance adjustors, and attorneys walk all over you until you have nothing.
simple as breathing, let me know how it works out for you k :)
Make sure you have no money and are on the verge of bankruptcy
Have a nervous breakdown every two weeks that snows you under for days or weeks
Utilize pro bono programs that hook you up with Shysters
Tell other potential litigators about former shyster
Be sure to cover all details about shyster, no insurance assets hidden in family names, filing bankruptcy etc.
Tell small firms upfront you know the case is complicated
Tell large firms the same
Tell huge mega firms with 100 employee's the same
Hints for Lawyers: what to say to a client (with no money) to let them down easy.
Your case is Very complicated
We are a Very small firm and your case is Very complicated
We are a large firm and we have a business to run and your case is Very complicated
We are a mega firm with over 100 lawyers on staff and we do pro bono ,but not for you, its too complicated for such an understaffed firm as ourselves, sorry
I feel for you, but I have to feed my kids and keep a roof over our head It's a shame corporationsons get by with what they do today isn't it?
You can't make any money off insurance negligence in your state anymore - I really feel for you.
Your case could take 5K to 50K to prosecute and your don't have any money So sorry this dreaful thing has happened to you.
You have one of the best cases we have ever seen, we just are too understaffed to handle it right now - so keep looking for a lawyer
The number one The best excuse you can say to a potential client who has lost everything
Your case appears to be in the medium - low range we only take "large" multi million doller cases!
You to can be a victom!
be honest, pay your bills, buy appropriat insurance coverage, and let shyster contractors, remedeation teams, insurance adjustors, and attorneys walk all over you until you have nothing.
simple as breathing, let me know how it works out for you k :)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Drunkard's Prayer
After many conversations ending with “you need to blog” I am, well sorta? I find myself unmotivated by physical and emotional pain that traps me in a season of winter unending, so we will see how long this lasts.
Once again I am in awe of the love in my life the “little” blessings so huge (to me) and to numerous to count flowing into my life…..
Looking at who I am, or maybe who I have become I find no deserving nature in me, yet love pours over me like a flood. Not just the gifts and sacrifice given when life has sucked me up and spit me out and I have nothing left and feel know one could possibly care (a blatant lie btw) but the sweet friendships and love I come so far from deserving that embraces me daily overwhelms me.
The tunes of OTR sooth my soul and speak to my heart the and although I casually know the authors they will probably never know that our hearts are entangled with the same questions and sentiments about life love and the ultimate relationship that binds closer then brothers.
My sweet Kara and Kimmy bless me endlessly Drunkard’s Prayer sits close by along with countless others it should be easier to remember the blessings, but even with the reminders I fail horribly in my despair and grief.
This forum doesn’t contain enough room for gratitude my wonderful cartoonist, the stone gunman, my personal gardeners, the not so top secret project team. My soapmaker/bakers who touch me with their servant hood and sweetness. The surprise answers to prayer that come in the mail with love flowing out so rich I cannot even grasp it all
Yet I sit angry beyond comprehension at the injustice the world throws toward us all, favoring the almighty dollar and power to decency. There is nothing good in my but my beloved because I know my secret desire... I want to rip the heart out of evil and banish it forever.
Thus my ridiculous obsession with fantasy adventure I suppose…..;)
Once again I am in awe of the love in my life the “little” blessings so huge (to me) and to numerous to count flowing into my life…..
Looking at who I am, or maybe who I have become I find no deserving nature in me, yet love pours over me like a flood. Not just the gifts and sacrifice given when life has sucked me up and spit me out and I have nothing left and feel know one could possibly care (a blatant lie btw) but the sweet friendships and love I come so far from deserving that embraces me daily overwhelms me.
The tunes of OTR sooth my soul and speak to my heart the and although I casually know the authors they will probably never know that our hearts are entangled with the same questions and sentiments about life love and the ultimate relationship that binds closer then brothers.
My sweet Kara and Kimmy bless me endlessly Drunkard’s Prayer sits close by along with countless others it should be easier to remember the blessings, but even with the reminders I fail horribly in my despair and grief.
This forum doesn’t contain enough room for gratitude my wonderful cartoonist, the stone gunman, my personal gardeners, the not so top secret project team. My soapmaker/bakers who touch me with their servant hood and sweetness. The surprise answers to prayer that come in the mail with love flowing out so rich I cannot even grasp it all
Yet I sit angry beyond comprehension at the injustice the world throws toward us all, favoring the almighty dollar and power to decency. There is nothing good in my but my beloved because I know my secret desire... I want to rip the heart out of evil and banish it forever.
Thus my ridiculous obsession with fantasy adventure I suppose…..;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
