Self Hatred

I wrote the following to a friend struggling with some of the same issues I do. Actually, they are some of the same issues that most of us struggle with, if we are brave enough to admit it. I edited it a bit but hope the heart of what God is doing will be evident. I feel as though something evil has finally been pried free, now comes the challenge of not ever allowing myself to be romanced again by deception.

Warning conservative blog peeps:

I know that some of you who read this blog are extremely conservative and find certain ideas and language to be offensive. I do not personally believe I have written anything all that extreme or offensive but you may? Please understand I seek nothing more then truth and sometimes it is delivered bluntly.

The lies that find their way into our minds and try to take root are so incredibly believable at times, it hard to know which way you are coming or going. Lies rob our joy beat us down and rob us from our destiny and they must be silence!

I could start making a list of lies next to the real truth about myself and others but I know from past experience it doesn't work. The lies manipulate our thoughts and make us think that people are just saying things to make us feel better. I do know that I’m getting angrier by the day and I‘m convinced it’s not an unrighteous kind of anger although I have been known to have a change of heart in these matters. ;)

I am PISSED OFF at the lies and at the human condition that allow those lies to cuddle up to us sensually and wrap themselves tightly around us like they are our lover.

Our true Lover does not inflame us to hatred against ourselves or others, He seeks to lavish His blessings and His tender words of endearment upon us because we are His finest creation, His life's work, His masterpiece. We are the love of His life and for Him, there is no other He would rather be with. He wants us to be aligned heart mind and soul with His truth, yet we create our own perverted realities that sicken His heart and crush Him.

On our wedding day when our husband or wife stands (or stood) gazing into our eyes and speaks to us before God, will we (did we?) stop them and say oh everything you just said is not true I am a worthless peace of SHIT? How then, can we daily stand before our God who gave up everything to embrace us in perfect beauty and grace not only say those vial words but fling the nasty stuff at Him?

He stands before us ignoring the excrement, tears pouring from His eyes saying I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful and I find no flaw in you.... I am not ashamed to admit I am sobbing now because I am guilty we all are to some degree. It needs to stop, the truth has to win or we will be lost and take with it every good and perfect gift that comes from God.

Sorry I’m preaching, well maybe not that sorry:) I am screaming to myself as well. The other night I spent 2 hrs on the phone with an old friend who challenged me and I was numb, anaesthetize to all but the lies. The lies make me feel, the lies are my friends, the lies are my lover. After that conversation I spent the next two hrs IM'ing with Kara, the lies seduced me again wrapping their perversion around me and I found comfort in them.

My sweet Beloved cried and grieved as He stood by me saying do not listen, don't be deceived, don't be ashamed, I love you; you are wonderful, you are beautiful, and I find no flaw in you....

Earlier when I read the words of my dear friend’s blog something snapped in me I was so enraged that she had been seduced by lies. I was outraged and I hurt for her and wanted so desperately for her to see that she was being deceived!

Then it hit me like never before, I realized we share the same lover and find similar comfort in the perverse deception he lavishes on us with a gleam in his eye as if to say I win, I am the master, the world is my brothel and I am its god.

To say the least this is a radical thought and for those of you who practice other religions or no religion. You will most likely roll your eyes and state “whatever” or sweetly tolerate our differences without much understanding laced maybe with a little fear that this chick has finely soared off the edge :)

~ just want you to know that’s ok I’m a big girl and can take it! :)

Before you have me committed think about this, every day we have things that float through our heads, ideas our culture or so called friends throw at us, or the thoughts that come at us out of a screwed up childhood, marriage etc.

When we embrace those negative thoughts they take root in us and we mold ourselves into their image as opposed to molding ourselves in the image of truth (which for me is God) and since we are buying into the narrow minded lie we never feel peace or fulfillment. We allow the lies to trap us in negative patterns of thinking and our lives are not as full, we become so entangled at times in the lies it is hard to love to be loved or even feel!

I would love to say that I will never again be in the same mess I have been, but I know that’s a dangerous thing to believe. I do know that every day I will have to take my thoughts captive and replace the negative with the truth.

I need friends who are not afraid to kick my Ass when I screw up and love me in spite of – LOL; but i'm pretty sure I have that covered already ;)

So I will press in and press on in hope that in replacing the lies with truth that my true self will finely emerge into freedom. I pray that for all of us........