No small victory

I wanted to post the following, a portion of a letter sent out to a few friends and house church.

It’s been a while life has taken on a busyness that keeps us well… busy! I know it’s been a while and I had planned on sending out an update letter after the first of the year but a letter arrived form the court a few days ago and I just couldn't’t wait to share our Christmas blessing with you!

We received a letter from the court, the letter states that the court has denied our insurance companies motion for summary judgment In other words our case is not being dismissed! So what does this mean? First off it means the court sees evidence that makes them believe a trial could bring about another outcome then the defendants (insurance company) claim. So this means the court agrees with us that there is evidence to proceed with litigation.

When the letter arrived I was elated and truthfully amazed at the outcome I saw glimpses of the old me the one before Fibro not just the crisis we have been fighting. I felt free for the first time in a long time to an extent I still do but I am coming back down from the blissful mountain to a place of thanksgiving and reality. We still need legal counsel and although we have won this battle more will follow until we have justice and deliverance after the long season we have endured.

Maybe that freedom feeling came because I felt as though I had accomplished something ~ I succeeded for the first time in eons at something that mattered? I had help, friends who walked me through gave me advice looked up info on the net held my hand until fear of meltdown subsided. But still, I felt and hopefully still feel, that I did something, used my mind and was useful to my mom in a tangible way. Hopefully my stubbornness will pay off and we will have the justice we so desperately crave.

I am thankful for friends and the knowledge that when the going gets tough as well as the victories you learn just who your friends are and I am thankful for you, you have stood with us threw thick and thin.Hopefully it will just be a little longer and this will be over.

Today is my mom’s 77th birthday and she is in hospital for the first time in 13 months. We are so grateful she has had a break from what seemed to be the never ending hospital stays but frustrated to see her back and praying she is released soon. So far they have kept her busy with continuous tests full body contrast CAT scan, Doppler ultra sound of her veins, and a chemical stress test with a follow up next Tuesday. They also want to do an echo cardiogram and plan on Cath of her arteries in her legs to see what is up. She is on IV sodium and glucose IV prednezone (sp?)and two IV antibiotics and a pill that is antibiotic as well. The cough is not as bad as it was and she had a ravenous appetite today for the first time in weeks.

I am trying to find peace and not allow fear to overwhelm me I feel alone and uncertain of things and continue to pray for mercy for mom as she has endured far more than anyone should have to in ten lifetimes.

Its hard to have our win dampened by our concerns for mom’s health but we are so thankful to have good and thorough doctors for once. I hope she can come straight home and not have to rehab so far she seems to be holding her own walking a bit. It would be nice to have her home and bring in OT and PT if we need to.

This post is a jumble I suppose, my mind is spinning with ideas and possibilities. thinking about the lawyer hunt it should be easier but we have had our first no a friend who is working on a couple of big cases wanted to help but just doesn't have the time. I hope to talk with an attorney on Tuesday when he gets back from vacation praying we find someone before the next hearing it would make things easier….

I am tiered not sleeping as I should mom knows this too which makes it hard she is worried about me think I am trying to fight off a bug had a hard day today. tomorrow will be better.

looking forward to three of my fav peeps coming to see mom from Cinti and hang out and have "brunch" tomorrow night they are a huge blessing in our lives.

So I am off to bed and hopefully peaceful sleep!

Thinking Outloud

Thought I would catch up on the progress here at the rental house. The bleaching is finished but the garage remains a huge concern in addition to bacteria that may be under the linoleum as a result of the sewer water it dried out but I still have concerns.

I had the CAT scan on my lungs yesterday they injected iodine to look at my lungs. The tech explained I would have a major hot clash and feel as though I was peeing my pants and not to worry. About two minutes later I was amazed at how wrong I thought this woman had to be it was like fire from head to toe even the bottom of my feet were hot and I TOTALLY felt as though I had wet myself. Not a fun feeling! Admittedly it was nice to feel warm they keep the rooms so cold due to the machines.

I had a huge coughing fit at the end of the test and they kinda freaked out a bit but I assured them it was just the way I always cough which surprised them. The taste in my mouth was really yucky like I had been sucking on pennies or nickels for a while I still taste it a bit today but it is not nearly as bad. This test and the one next week a small discomfort to find out what is going on with me I just want to get to the root and find a solution. I did not receive a late night call from my doctor so hopefully no news is good news although they did say the doctor who reads the test would not be able to do so for 2-3 days. But I figure if they had seen a red flag I would have been rushed to the top of the list.

Next week Kimmy has generously agreed to be my baby sitter for the broncoscopy hopefully I will be low maintenance in the past I have not done well coming off the drugs I don’t have much tolerance for them and the side effects can be a bit overwhelming. I hope with this test that is not the case. I can’t wait for next Tuesday to be over and done with!

I have been on the phone for months trying to find a dentist/orthodontist who specializes in TMJ and takes my insurance I have not had any luck. There is one orthodontist in this county who deals with TMJ and they told me it would be about 3000.00 a year to treat in addition to restorative dental work and cleaning NOT done by them but a dentist who treats people with TMJ which could cost another 3-5K!

We are in such a difficult spot I think of how just five years ago we were less the 5 k in debt and how things would be now if we had not heard of CDBG and how we feel as though it ruined our lives. Probably the TMJ wouldn’t be so bad we wouldn’t have hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses and the huge debt hanging over our heads that we just can’t seem to get out from under.

God has been teaching me over the last five years about true forgiveness and I thought I had a pretty good handle on it but over the last couple of weeks I have realized I do not. its like I forgave half way not entirely. Even though I released the contractor attorney adjuster etc from the hatred I felt for them I now realize I have not forgiven them with my whole heart.

In the teaching of a more excellent way one of the pastors I really like is fond of saying “Forgiveness is a gift that you give to someone who doesn’t deserve it” it is a gift that I give for me not that other person my lack of forgiveness cannot harm them but it can harm me.

In one of my favorite dog eared books I find these reminders.

Forgiveness is not tolerance.
Forgiveness is not pretending
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is not generosity of spirit.
Forgiveness is not turning the other cheek.
Forgiveness is not making a joke of a wrong.
Forgiveness is not politeness or tactfulness.
Forgiveness is not diplomacy.
Forgiveness is not passive non-response.

Forgiveness is something much deeper!

Forgiveness is a deliberate act of will.
Forgiveness is a full pardon.
Forgiveness is a substitutional act.
Forgiveness is obedience to God’s word.
Forgiveness is an act of love.
Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

Shattering your strongholds
Freedom from your struggles
Liberty Savard
http://www.amazon.com/Shattering-Your-Strongholds-Freedom-Struggles/dp/0882707132


A woman I met last year at a prayer group blessed my at MEW last week with two books

Battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/B000JGWE2C/sr=1-1/qid=1161802695/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


and

Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Forgiveness-R-T-Kendall/dp/0884198898/sr=1-1/qid=1161802763/ref=sr_1_1/104-4280399-8828722?ie=UTF8&s=books


I am a huge fan of Joyce Meyer she is so down to earth real and vulnerable her story puts my whining to shame and makes me reconsider my attitudes a lot. I thought I would read her book first but I just couldn’t get into it for some reason and I must admit that even though I wanted to read the other book it was not top on my list especially when I am just sick and tired of working this stuff out, I just want to learn the lesson and get on with it already.

I first heard RT Kendall several years ago on the radio I remember getting ready to flip the station and hesitating because he said something that cut to the core of my spirit that I knew I needed to deal with.

Ephesians 4:30-32 (New King James Version)
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Its hard for me to admit but my forgiveness of those who have wronged us in the last five years has been totally conditional, I am not saying there are not legal consequences to someone’s illegal or negligent actions but that I in my brokenness failed to realize that I expect retribution in this world and the next.

With the contractor I came to a place where I almost totally forgave him I prayed blessings upon him but I also prayed God would convict him and discipline him and have him held accountable here on earth for his actions. But maybe total forgiveness is not caring if he pays the price for his actions but trusting God. Hasn’t God forgiven me when the bible says when I repent God chooses not even to remember my sin it is as though it never happened! This is why I have issues with the toxic church that leads people down a road of guilt God doesn’t do this why should we? So if God forgives in this manor I need to as well, and I must admit that even though I am thankful to be forgiven for my mistakes my attitude is less then generous to those who have hurt us, especially those who hurt my mom.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

There is a consequence a law of the land to malicious behavior and mistakes there is usually not a get out of jail free card and in some cases the innocent are punished and the guilty go free. We may not have earthly justice I pray we do receive compensation for our losses and suffering and that the entities that have wronged us and others will be stopped so they do not continue to harm others. But that just might not happen and I have had to tell myself this for years to keep myself grounded and trust God for His justice and mercy above all others.

The toughest part of this book to read so far was the encouragement to pray for God to forgive the person who has wronged you. I have spent all my time asking God to help me forgive them I really didn’t want to hear that part of the process is me interceding on their behalf. So, this is my goal to willfully work toward total forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13 (New King James Version)
13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

Romans 14:10 (New International Version)
10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

Ahhhhh The smell of SEWER GAS in the morning

Well I am venting have been meaning to blog about stuff but too busy now insomnia urges me forward. The house flooded yesterday what fun I thank God Kara was with me or I am pretty sure the men with the exciting long armed white jackets would have come for a visit.

The first time this house flooded was the night I moved in. The sewer baked up and the hot water heater broke. I didn’t even have a mop and only had the cloths on my back and a towel and pj’s from Mega-Mart. Actually it was putting the cloths on my back in the washing machine that started the flood. Someone from mom’s church had left me sheets and a blanket on the rented bed so I used the blanket to clean up the best I could. I remember crying hard trying to figure out how to deal with the water how to prevent mold growth and air out the house at midnight (and no one to call and help due to the late hour) in February and in the aftermath of a huge blizzard with nothing but a broom and rental furniture in the house.

This neighborhood is notorious for cheaply made houses and we are a plumbers dream come true ~ old farm land near a creak and on a rock and sand bed depending on which side of the street you live on. Yesterdays flood by far the worse then the other three times at this house. The other two were cleaned up with minimal effort and a handy dandy electric snake borrowed from an old friend.

Although there was less water this time then at mom’s house when it flooded ~ the sewer gas was new. The smell was unbelievable the water backed up through a drain pipe in the laundry room and into the back shower. The seepage went behind all the appliances through the walls and into the garage. We moped and bleached the best we could but the next couple of days will be fun. Everything (all our losses) must be removed from the garage and the water damage must be cleaned up.

Ginger borrowed the eclectic snake again (and a manual one) but after hours of working on it with the snakes and chemicals we couldn’t get the clog loose. We just didn’t have the upper body strength even with the electric on and kept hitting a Y pipe. The landlord said he would try to get someone out if he could but they never called me back.

~ humm how much clearer can you be to the enormity of the situation when you tell them toxic sewer gas and water is flooding your house and we cant get it under control and we need help! Now I battle thoughts that our rent will go up if the clean up is extensive and he does send someone out. He needs to see it anyway the damages are pretty bad I think the linoleum and drywall needs to be replaced lord knows it has needed it since we moved in now it is just worse pealing up and with water underneath it.

I coughed a lot Kara and I had to keep going outside to breath I still feel tightness in my chest this morning and have a light burning sensation in my lungs. The pulmonologist is gonna LOVE this! My lips tong and nose still tingle but its better then the burning sensation yesterday! I am betting we should not be here but the budget does not include a hotel stay and we don’t have renters insurance.

Unfortunately that means all the documentation must continue on the losses I gave up with the soaring heat this summer. Thankfully the water in the garage is under our refrigerator and freezer and a utility shelf. The water traveled away from our losses and out the path through the front of the garage.

We had mom stay at the Sr citizens until it closed and my Dr said we should not be in the house when I went for tests results on a cat scan of my sinuses etc. So we tried to talk mom into going to the library after a little picnic outside but she bailed. The sewer gas smell had subsided by that time but the smell still lingered a little bit mixed with an overwhelming chemical smell that made my face burn.

I was going to give in to the hotel especially since we can’t use the plumbing I thought I would use all the money had had saved up for our gas bill so far but I realized even with Kara’s help we could not lift the oxygen machine for mom. So we put a sheet over mom’s door (the door was removed for her wheelchair) made her put on her oxygen and stay out of the main part of the house we cant flush the toilets or use water so this really sux!

If we can’t get this cleaned up in the next 72 hours we have to move out due to the mold which could be life threatening for both of us. Even if we do get it cleaned I am sure extensive reconstruction will need to be done. I am at my wits end tired angry and emotionally exhausted.

Although I realize it could be worse I am tired of being displaced for our home and property for the last 5 years and wish we had never heard of CDBG for rehabbing houses for the handicapped! It’s hard not to think if we were home at least…… it may not have been much by today’s standards but it was ours. I suppose I should say it still IS ours its just not usable for now I pray we are not doomed to the same fate here!

The courts are slow no ruling yet I pray we here good news soon I just want to move on out of the season of never ending losses and frustration. we will just have to learn a few more life lessons…..

Venting

Ok, I need to vent - I need this to be a public declaration.

Respect, I am gonna start demanding it, it is not an option! I will with God’s grace NOT allow myself to be sabotaged by well meaning people! In regard to weight loss, our home situation, our dreams of a better life and home for mom.

With God’s help I will NOT listen to negativity I will not tolerate the judgment and accusations of others. I will not become angry when I am ignored and disrespected With God’s help I will be forgiving and give everyone the grace we all so desperately desire.

I will not negate my spiritual gifting and supernatural insight no matter what the skeptic may think. I will with God’s grace live my life humbly before God walking in His truth and seeking His purposes and do my best to do what he has called me to no matter what other people think.

I will with God’s grace not be fearful of man by caring what others think of me and the desires of my heart. I will within my circumstances do my best to creatively find ways to provide a better life for my mother and myself within my physical limitations and not listen to negativity.

I will remember who I am not who I am preserved to be because of our trials and circumstances and I will strive to be a better person and be used to help others in spite of my failings and the unbelief of myself and others.

Matthew 21:18

The Fig Tree Withered

18 Now in the morning, as He returned to the city, He was hungry. 19 And seeing a fig tree by the road, He came to it and found nothing on it but leaves, and said to it, “Let no fruit grow on you ever again.” Immediately the fig tree withered away.

The Lesson of the Withered Fig Tree

20 And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, “How did the fig tree wither away so soon?” 21 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ it will be done. 22 And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”

Mark 9 23b
23b. Jesus (said). "Everything is possible for him who believes" 24.Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Thy will (not mine) be done on earth as it is in heaven…

I feel much better now! :)

Nice to know we are NOT all puppets!

Disowning Conservative Politics Is Costly for Pastor
By LAURIE GOODSTEIN, The New York Times

MAPLEWOOD, Minn. (July 30) -- Like most pastors who lead thriving evangelical megachurches, the Rev. Gregory A. Boyd was asked frequently to give his blessing -- and the church's -- to conservative political candidates and causes.

The requests came from church members and visitors alike: Would he please announce a rally against gay marriage during services? Would he introduce a politician from the pulpit? Could members set up a table in the lobby promoting their anti-abortion work? Would the church distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates? And with the country at war, please couldn’t the church hang an American flag in the sanctuary?

After refusing each time, Mr. Boyd finally became fed up, he said. Before the last presidential election, he preached six sermons called “The Cross and the Sword” in which he said the church should steer clear of politics, give up moralizing on sexual issues, stop claiming the United States as a “Christian nation” and stop glorifying American military campaigns.
“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

Mr. Boyd says he is no liberal. He is opposed to abortion and thinks homosexuality is not God’s ideal. The response from his congregation at Woodland Hills Church here in suburban St. Paul -- packed mostly with politically and theologically conservative, middle-class evangelicals -- was passionate. Some members walked out of a sermon and never returned. By the time the dust had settled, Woodland Hills, which Mr. Boyd founded in 1992, had lost about 1,000 of its 5,000 members.

But there were also congregants who thanked Mr. Boyd, telling him they were moved to tears to hear him voice concerns they had been too afraid to share.
“Most of my friends are believers,” said Shannon Staiger, a psychotherapist and church member, “and they think if you’re a believer, you’ll vote for Bush. And it’s scary to go against that.”

Sermons like Mr. Boyd’s are hardly typical in today’s evangelical churches. But the upheaval at Woodland Hills is an example of the internal debates now going on in some evangelical colleges, magazines and churches. A common concern is that the Christian message is being compromised by the tendency to tie evangelical Christianity to the Republican Party and American nationalism, especially through the war in Iraq.

At least six books on this theme have been published recently, some by Christian publishing houses. Randall Balmer, a religion professor at Barnard College and an evangelical, has written “Thy Kingdom Come: How the Religious Right Distorts the Faith and Threatens America -- an Evangelical’s Lament.”
And Mr. Boyd has a new book out, “The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church,” which is based on his sermons.

“There is a lot of discontent brewing,” said Brian D. McLaren, the founding pastor at Cedar Ridge Community Church in Gaithersburg, Md., and a leader in the evangelical movement known as the “emerging church,” which is at the forefront of challenging the more politicized evangelical establishment.
“More and more people are saying this has gone too far -- the dominance of the evangelical identity by the religious right,” Mr. McLaren said. “You cannot say the word ‘Jesus’ in 2006 without having an awful lot of baggage going along with it. You can’t say the word ‘Christian,’ and you certainly can’t say the word ‘evangelical’ without it now raising connotations and a certain cringe factor in people.

“Because people think, ‘Oh no, what is going to come next is homosexual bashing, or pro-war rhetoric, or complaining about ‘activist judges.’ ”
Mr. Boyd said he had cleared his sermons with the church’s board, but his words left some in his congregation stunned. Some said that he was disrespecting President Bush and the military, that he was soft on abortion or telling them not to vote.

“When we joined years ago, Greg was a conservative speaker,” said William Berggren, a lawyer who joined the church with his wife six years ago. “But we totally disagreed with him on this. You can’t be a Christian and ignore actions that you feel are wrong. A case in point is the abortion issue. If the church were awake when abortion was passed in the 70’s, it wouldn’t have happened. But the church was asleep.”

Mr. Boyd, 49, who preaches in blue jeans and rumpled plaid shirts, leads a church that occupies a squat block-long building that was once a home improvement chain store.

He is known among evangelicals for a bestselling book, “Letters From a Skeptic,” based on correspondence with his father, a leftist union organizer and a lifelong agnostic -- an exchange that eventually persuaded his father to embrace Christianity.

Mr. Boyd said he never intended his sermons to be taken as merely a critique of the Republican Party or the religious right. He refuses to share his party affiliation, or whether he has one, for that reason. He said there were Christians on both the left and the right who had turned politics and patriotism into “idolatry.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

Patriotic displays are still a mainstay in some evangelical churches. Across town from Mr. Boyd’s church, the sanctuary of North Heights Lutheran Church was draped in bunting on the Sunday before the Fourth of July this year for a “freedom celebration.” Military veterans and flag twirlers paraded into the sanctuary, an enormous American flag rose slowly behind the stage, and a Marine major who had served in Afghanistan preached that the military was spending “your hard-earned money” on good causes.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others -- by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars.

Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

Mr. Boyd lambasted the “hypocrisy and pettiness” of Christians who focus on “sexual issues” like homosexuality, abortion or Janet Jackson’s breast-revealing performance at the Super Bowl halftime show. He said Christians these days were constantly outraged about sex and perceived violations of their rights to display their faith in public.

“Those are the two buttons to push if you want to get Christians to act,” he said. “And those are the two buttons Jesus never pushed.”

Some Woodland Hills members said they applauded the sermons because they had resolved their conflicted feelings. David Churchill, a truck driver for U.P.S. and a Teamster for 26 years, said he had been “raised in a religious-right home” but was torn between the Republican expectations of faith and family and the Democratic expectations of his union.

When Mr. Boyd preached his sermons, “it was liberating to me,” Mr. Churchill said.

Mr. Boyd gave his sermons while his church was in the midst of a $7 million fund-raising campaign. But only $4 million came in, and 7 of the more than 50 staff members were laid off, he said.

Mary Van Sickle, the family pastor at Woodland Hills, said she lost 20 volunteers who had been the backbone of the church’s Sunday school.

“They said, ‘You’re not doing what the church is supposed to be doing, which is supporting the Republican way,’ ” she said. “It was some of my best volunteers.”

The Rev. Paul Eddy, a theology professor at Bethel College and the teaching pastor at Woodland Hills, said: “Greg is an anomaly in the megachurch world. He didn’t give a whit about church leadership, never read a book about church growth. His biggest fear is that people will think that all church is is a weekend carnival, with people liking the worship, the music, his speaking, and that’s it.”

In the end, those who left tended to be white, middle-class suburbanites, church staff members said. In their place, the church has added more members who live in the surrounding community — African-Americans, Hispanics and Hmong immigrants from Laos.

This suits Mr. Boyd. His vision for his church is an ethnically and economically diverse congregation that exemplifies Jesus’ teachings by its members’ actions. He, his wife and three other families from the church moved from the suburbs three years ago to a predominantly black neighborhood in St. Paul.

Mr. Boyd now says of the upheaval: “I don’t regret any aspect of it at all. It was a defining moment for us. We let go of something we were never called to be. We just didn’t know the price we were going to pay for doing it.”

His congregation of about 4,000 is still digesting his message. Mr. Boyd arranged a forum on a recent Wednesday night to allow members to sound off on his new book. The reception was warm, but many of the 56 questions submitted in writing were pointed: Isn’t abortion an evil that Christians should prevent? Are you saying Christians should not join the military? How can Christians possibly have “power under” Osama bin Laden? Didn’t the church play an enormously positive role in the civil rights movement?

One woman asked: “So why NOT us? If we contain the wisdom and grace and love and creativity of Jesus, why shouldn’t we be the ones involved in politics and setting laws?”

Mr. Boyd responded: “I don’t think there’s a particular angle we have on society that others lack. All good, decent people want good and order and justice. Just don’t slap the label ‘Christian’ on it.”

Shocked

Ok, I started this 3 hour eating thing I though ok Dr say this is my problem I am in starvation mode and need to eat more and although I have said it is my problem I must be honest I only half believed it. I mean, come on, I eat as much as some anorexics (btw- not my plan to BE anorexic!) daily and I am still getting fat. The Prednisone totally messed me up then the Endo hormones added to the chaos but still most people eat more then me and the only time I do splurge is at a party or at HC.

Ok, this morning I was battling the whole “oh my gosh, this food thing will just make me fatter I am eating so stinking much”. Although I admit my stomach now growls almost every three hours like clockwork in under a week and a half.

Before I started the “plan” I did a few test days to see if I could stick with the schedule and I did but whined a lot about the massive amounts of food, 400 cal three times a day , 100 calorie snacks, one 50 cal treat. That is eat 6X a day a total of 1450 calories NOT the 800-1000 Cal. I usually eat.

So in my cynicism I ran to the scale to prove this is a waist of my time weighed myself in my cloths my initial weigh in I was not clothed. Guess what? I am 6 pounds lighter SIX did you hear me I said SIX stinkin fat pounds lighter ( not the two pounds they guarantee will “melt” away SIX! Is it a fluke is it real will it continue ~ God I really hope so I just can’t believe it!

Camping might be harder tonight I cannot see myself not having a little s’more which might put my eating too close to bedtime. Part of the plan is to not eat 3 hours before bed time and since I have been having my treat with dinner that means it is 5-6 hours for me if I eat dinner at 7 pm.

I just want this to work I NEED this to work………

Fell off the wagon…

Ok, I fell off the food wagon. For over a week I have forced myself to eat every three hours following the Jorge cruise thing forcing myself to consume massive amounts of food in an attempt to restore my body to a healthy metabolism function. i dont even know if it is really working but nothing else does so it is worth a try.

This morning I saw the soap was ready way ahead of schedule so I took it out of the mold and it crumbled totally falling apart. I am avoiding the other 7 batches fearful my scale was off or that the air conditioner that is totally wacky caused the soap to fail the air conditioner was set on 80 and it was only 68 deg in the house and still running!

so what do I do, well I start making laundry soap as I am the worlds worst rebatcher and I cry and cry and crawl back into bed exhausted and 5.5 hours go by and I forget to eat my snack and lunch on time. ugggggggggggggggggg it is so frustrating most people would eat under stress not me I have to forget!

I was so proud of everyone who helped make it, the soap looks beautiful so thankful for the help hopeful at redeeming a glimpse of vision for my life and thankful of the support of it. Now I am to darn scared to go look at it afraid it will all be ruined.. I have to face the music so when I stop bitching to this blog its off to the kitchen I pray it can be redeemed….

It is hard to be the solitary to always be told you are wrong and no amount of evidence will change anything ~ evidence is subjective. It’s hard to have a vision those you are closest to do not share. it is hard to swallow pride in order to do anything and everything to protect and care for those you love. It is hard to reach out in humility. It’s hard to pretend to be someone you are not just to keep the peace. I am tiered and wish I could cry I have started to many times in the past 24 only to do what I do best play the roll conform to the crowd give them what they want ~ the truth is not cool.

This is powerful....

Please pray for an end to the war........

Twenty ~ The Robert Cray Band

Just for Ann :)

this was taken 1981

Puppy lust, life and an overactive imagination

Finely made it to a movie it's been months ~ I went to see X Men3 which I loved except for a few events if you haven't seen it wait through the credits for a surprise scene at the end it will make you like the film better it was not as good as X2 but the special effects were fun. Monday I splurged and took mom to see Over the Hedge it was WAY cute the animal lover in me was totally cracking up I think people who aren't into animals will like it but maybe not as much. This week we will hopefully go see Cars if it doesn't rain wish I hadn't promised mom I could wiggle out of it and get it on DVD from the library next year although I hear it is a full screen kind of cartoon. Three movies in less then a week not a good thing I the budget department!

We were blessed again this week by lawn mowing two Birchfields for the price of one they are such a blessing we would be waist deep in grass by end of summer without their generosity. The garden is looking good, I need to weed ~ waiting for rain so it won't be so difficult. In addition to all the plants and seeds I put in we have a ton of volunteers I counted 16 tomatoes plants and 6 zucchini's so we may be feeding the neighborhood this summer and then some. I have been saving back a couple bucks a week to buy a new rose bush for mom I realized we do not have yellow white or red so I think I will work on those colors hoping to find a few discounts like last year.

My cell phone is barely holding on to life, panting its little heart out forgetting to catch calls and delivering my messages late. I really hate cell phone shopping I drool over the one I want but I know it's just not practical right now. I don't even want to think about car problems computer issues and the huge list of things to do, have fixed, and replace! So if you are trying to reach me and don't hear back call again my cell is so not working right....

We totaly surprised mom with the puppies (I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore:), On Tuesday we made her LOL and giggle better than any movie could we went down to Donna's to see the kittens mom drove her wheelchair I brought her walker and she was able to step up the two inch stoop in the garage~ yeah! We played with the little balls of fir for a while then to mom's horror Donna took the kitty box away only after a few minutes ok fifteen or twenty.:)

I wish I had a camera with me. Donna brought the puppies to mom she squealed with delight and shock as they were handed to her. Mom's face was a little light bulb she had a huge open mouth grin and I thought she was going to shed a little tear at one point. I cannot remember a time I saw her so happy so surprised she held the pup's for about 45 minutes it was hard to let them go. Purdy who is a very protective first time mom did not growl at mom like she does her own family and me when we look at the pups. She was totally content with mom wagging her tail and rubbing up against her totally content to have mom hold her wee ones ~ it was so sweet.

I was so sad to learn that the runt died the other two little monsters are doing well still cant believe sweet tiny little Purdy gave birth to such huge puppy's. I am faced with a conundrum I have not seen mom this happy about anything in so long I really want to give her a puppy. It would give her something to focus on and take care of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The expense, the hassle, gerrrrrrrr.

Mom was watching a travel program yesterday so I am drooling again can I just say (since it is a secret) I NEED A VACATION! The destination Hawaii. Ok, to be honest I would be happy goin to Po- dunk Ohio 10 min west of dodge just to git the heck outta here but, Hawaii...Let me dream a little please.

They highlighted several places my three personal favorites

1. Eco tree top tour in Kauai with zip lines once you leave the ground you spend the next three hours 70 foot off the ground the views were beautiful the challenge looked so cool my desire to do this in spite of fibro overwhelmingly strong. http://www.justlive.org/eco-tour.html

2. Paradise air motor powered hand glider tour and flight lessons (you get to fly the glider!) over white sandy beaches and turquoise water sigh In O'ahu sigh.... http://www.paradiseairhawaii.com/photos.htm

3. Last an most certainly not least a four wheeling adventure over Hawaiian farm land beneath the Haupu Maintain Range, beautiful waterfalls, bamboo forest hideaway, cool tunnel, old sugar cane fields, and a rain forest.
http://www.kauaiatv.com/html/tours.html

Add to my fantasy trip a spa retreat, horse back riding, hiking around volcanoes snorkeling, and sunlight sail boat rides and I am almost in heaven sigh...… sigh....sigh.....

Hey I can dream can't I BTW I'm SO not picky Jamaica, Costa Rica, Europe, the British Isles, Asia I'm flexible with my fantasy life! hehehe

Shamefully Funny Past

Hey trying to see if I can figure out how to post pix cleaning out the garage and found an old funny one ya gotta love high school boys in tights! Oh yeah, to my shame I am in there too! This picture was taken Dec 1980 at a Christmas show we performed at the YWCA were I worked ~ I was 16 years old.

The last couple of weeks

Let’s see what has been going on around here, Paula and Elaine blessed us by coming to town to spend Memorial Day with us Gina came over and we all went hiking at Huston woods, it was beautiful out. Grilled out had great conversation as always and a bit of prayer time. It felt like it had been forever since I had seen them so it was really cool.

Spent most of last week trying to deal with life I still have a million things to do and only one set of hands. I am having camera problems again so it is hard to document losses so I am trying to go through a small container in the garage every few days.

I still haven’t been able to make myself read the legal brief from the opposing counsel which freaks me out a bit because I like knowing what’s going on but I still feel too emotional vulnerable to subject myself to it., we just keep praying for a trial and freedom from all of it. I know I keep saying it and God always pulls us though but I really don’t know how much more we can take at times.

The garden is beautiful I bring fresh roses in the house every few days the perennials are starting to bloom wishing I had a flower budget! although last week I walked with Mom uptown in her wheelchair to the farmers market and the library and we stopped at the little garden store on the way home and burned the rest of our market money on a few annuals for the two pots on the front stoop – they look beautiful and cheer things up a bit more.

We lost almost three quarters of our food in the freezer again everything but the bottom shelf was totally thawed and ruined. I had to bake a twenty pound turkey on Saturday my brother and his wife came for dinner it was good to see them but I get very frustrated I asked for help with the turkey and they blew me off it was so heavy and then I almost cut myself trying to carve the damn thing. As, much as I love them they just tick me off asked for help with the dishes they ignored me again they just don’t seem to have a clue as to how much work it is to wait on them. I feel like the maid every time they come but I am so glad they are visiting (especially for mom) they only live thirty minutes away and they hardly ever visit her. Anyway, we gave Ginger most of the bird for her family I saved some to freeze and we will stop using the freezer it ticks me off cause it did this the first year after we bought it after the warranty was up and the worked fine it still seems to work something is definitely wrong and we cant afford the loss.

My friend’s puppies were born yesterday ~ good thing they weren’t born today or they would be dubbed little demons and no one would want them well maybe Satanists would lol! There are three spotted pups; they look just like their trailer trash daddy poor little things. Actually they are too cute and their dad would be cute too if anyone took the time to clean him up a little. So, now the real dilemma begins. At conception, when Otis violated his restraining order and broke into our sweet little innocent (never impregnated at 8 years old) Purdy’s yard, we were offered pick of the litter.

So, I swore the neighbors and everyone else to secrecy and so far mom is clueless she says she never wants another dog but then oggels every dog on the block and is almost gleeful when I pet sit and she can take them for walks with her wheelchair, I just don’t know what to do. I SO want a dog but I’m not sure if it is practical (fence vet bills etc) but I am already in love with them especially the runt I have always been a sucker for the underdog and his big brothers are already pushing him around. They probably bullied him from the womb! Actually I think he is a little fighter and helped push puppy number one the huge mammoth of a creature out of the way as he was the tiniest and the second born . First born was medium size oh no what if the huge mammoth is the underdog is stupid and adorable that’s all I need.

The kittens are getting big when I was over looking at the pups I saw them too they are growing eyes are opened but one looks like it is gonna be cross eyed so now my friend has three pups and five kittens born a little over a week apart to find homes for! So far I am resisting but one of them looks like my sweet kitty friend Je taime who I miss terribly ~ it will be a year in a few day’s I still live with the horrible memories of last year and it is difficult.


If we do take a pup I will need to get permission to build a fence then there are the expenses but my argument is what price for mom a little friend to take care of she is so lonely without Peanut. The pups mom is pure bread Shih Tzu dad is part Shih Tzu and mutt they are gonna be so, so cute, as if they aren’t now!

Responding to Em..

My Dear Em,

Well this wont fit in the comment box so...…

Please forgive me for not responding to your comment sooner I wanted to give you the time you deserve and only respond after much prayer, and no, I do not mind a good devils advocate. Dialog is healthy espescially when we respect one another our boundaries and our differences. I was saddened to hear of your grandmother's death yet relieved that she is no longer in pain and that the burden your mother (and your whole family) has endured for so long has been lifted.

I too believe God's desire is for "Thy (His) will to be done on earth as it is in heaven" therefore, when people limit God by saying He only heals one certain way, or only in heaven, or that the miracles and gifts of biblical times no longer exist I remind them of that verse and a few others. I believe God's will in heaven according to His word is for total healing lack of stress and strife and the fulfillment of our lives with Him.

Therefore we should be able to experience a mirror of this in our world today shouldn't we? If Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever (as scripture states) I believe this would be true. It seams that our civilized culture has anesthetizes us from a truly Holy and Sacred experience with God. That experience began in the garden and continued throughout biblical history with the prophets and became full with the birth of the living Messiah.

I have become terribly frustrated at the lack of belief in our culture ~ I believe underdeveloped countries like Africa have something we in the west cannot seem to hold onto. The faith of believers in some villages is so strong that miracles occur daily allowing the lame walk, blind to see, deaf to hear and the dead are occasionally even raised! Since my mother and I have both experienced supernatural healings and I know many others that have as well, I suppose, it sounds lame for me to say this? Unfortunately, I know more people who have been consumed by disease then healed of it.

I personally believe our modern culture to be a huge inhibitor, we are so rational, so scientific, and heck God is the father of science and rational thinking so I am not saying its wrong just out of balance. I could bring up the other side of the coin my other big frustration, Christians throwing out their God given intellect by letting emotional experience rule them with absolutely no rational thought or ideas in sight!

Ok sorry for the rabbit trail (I do have a purpose- really;) getting back to the subject at hand I believe grief to be a healthy emotion I am not sure if it does or doesn't fit into the "On earth as it is in heaven" scripture because grief is a natural God given emotion we need to experience to be healthy. Have your read The Final Quest by Rick joiner ~ I highly recommend it! (Link above) I have never heard an eternal perspective of feelings emotions realities etc, so eloquently stated as in The Final Quest.

I want to clarify what I meant by grief in my journal entry about my Dad. I think of my father (and Jane ~ Jim's mom) almost daily (ok, daily :) I feel a significant place they filled in my life is missing. It does not mean God cannot fill this place here on earth, I believe He has. It means that I remember them, I notice there absence, I do not wallow in tears. Although, occasionally I am touched by a memory or reminded of them I think that its a healthy thing to do. So many people wont even talk about a loved one after their passing it's like they never existed. I want to honor the lives of those I have loved and now miss and there are many. I would like to point out again this does not mean despair just a noticeable absence.

I was reminded of the following passage in John.

John 11: 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34"Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.35 Jesus wept.36 Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Did Jesus weep because of their unbelief, or did he weep because Mary and all the others were grieving and it hurt Him to see their pain? If Grief is a natural emotion just as love and anger are. We need to express these emotions, to cleanse ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physicaly by dealing with them rather then suppressing them. The empty space left by a loved one's passing is always noticeable, but grief does change over time. The grief I felt upon my father's death and Jane's death is not the same today as it was initially. I hope I am making some sort of since to you.

I read someplace that scientist had discovered that when tears are released toxic chemicals are purged from the body. They also found that people who don't deal well with their emotions-those who suppress them have more chronic diseases. This is one of the key things dealt with in MEW the physiological (scientifically verified) responses in the body as a result of issues that have not been properly dealt with. This does in NO WAY mean I belive all illnesses are a result of lack of dealing with emotions and so on, genetic predisposition, enviornment and other factors can all come into play.

When we find the root (many emotional & spiritual) and address them, we are cleansed emotionally, spiritualy and physicaly as a response we give God authority in our life to bring healing, the symptoms and the disease is reversed and we are healed. I don't have answers, I dont have it all figured out in my life but I have been Endo and IBS symptom free for over a year and thank God daily. I know I have a long way to go more healing is coming as I allow God to pull off the layers and go deeper into my life.

MEW is great and my understandings of the theory behind the teachings do not do it justice besides it's not a formula it's not fool proof (Gods not into formulas from my point of view) there are many ways He chooses to heal and there is the obvious "a time to live and a time to die" that must be factored in. I don't believe that God has limits or expect Him to mold Himself to my beliefs (which is so noticeably a trend throughout history) most want a God but on our own terms. Few want to let Him be who He is, we want to make Him into something we are comfortable with, mold Him into our image our ways of thinking ~ not the reverse.

Ok, I know your asking what on earth does this rabbit trail have to do with Grief well if I suppress my feelings (which I have done most my life) and don't deal with my emotions and grief I may allow toxins to build up in my body that could cause disease. I am not saying we need to lose control of our emotions just that we need to find a safe and healthy way to express them. My failure to do this has literally caused me great pain and suffering. After much reflection over the last several years I see how I inadvertently caused my body and spirit more harm. I stuffed everything down about my dad's death for years along with other things then when I returned home I relived all the pain and then some and was faced with the realities of the effects of suppressing thise emotions.

Btw I am exited you may be going to the MEW conference it could change your life and bring you new freedom and understanding. I also want to point out that MEW focuses on many aspects blocks to healing the least of which is unresolved emotions.

Finely, I wanted to respond to your concerns about your grandmother's final destination. I was grieved for you when you expressed your hurt in not knowing if she had committed her heart to Christ. I too believe in hell I believe it is biblically the separation from Christ a choosing we make not God. As I see it from my weak understanding of scripture (and contrary to folk lore) nowhere in God's word does it indicate His desire for anyone to be separated from Him. The bible states repeatedly a message of love and unity that God through Christ desires with us.

I do not know if hell is a literal fiery eternity or not? it may NOT be a metaphor as so many belive but a real place where fire is eternal. For me the thought of being separate from The One who loves me, accepts me, and died for me grieves me far more then the thought of burning eternally. No matter what Hell truly is I do not think The Lover of our soul would want us to focus on that realm but on Him and the Love He has for ALL His children and the Grace He extends to everyone.

One thing I have learned is to not over analyze the salvation (relationship with God) of others. We are responsible for our own salvation and cannot judge another's soul. I believe this is especially important to remember when it involves a loved one. It will do us absolutely no good whatsoever to judge the heart of a loved one, we cannot truly know their hearts only God does. Who can know what another's relationship with God is truly like, who knows the last minutes of your grandmother's life or perhaps the quiet faith she had during her lifetime?

Well I think I am finished rambling, I just want to point out that even with all the above mentioned opinions I know nothing! I am on a quest same as you for truth, for understanding, for a life of completion with Christ. Hope this has made since and that I have not confused you further.

I pray all things said in this post that are absolute nonsense will drift away like sand and that anything valid will engrave itself on our hearts.

I am praying ~ miss you!

Memoirs

In an attempt to redefine the way I look at my life and writing while at the same time pay heed to the chanting “writing your memoir will be good therapy, you have so much to say” blah blah blah (sorry love you guys – really :) I have been reading a lot of memoirs.

Most have been horrible involving painful determination to make it through to the end so I can hopefully get an idea of how this sort of thing is done and to clarify if I have a life story worthy of anyone’s time. So one minute I think sure why not write my own story it would be good even if I am never published then again I think most of the crap I have been reading is so boring I would not want someone saying “wow did you read her story, it was just awful why on earth would anyone want to read about her life yadda, yadda, yadda!” so since I find it hard to believe my life experiences would be desired knowledge the thought of following through with the suggestion remains daunting for now…..

I have read more then twenty memoirs over the last year (I so wish this was an exaggeration) finally I have found one that was really enjoyable and worth my time. Funny in Farsi has been added to my short list or worthy memoirs. I picked the book up at the library because I recognized Farsi as a Persian language and thought it might be interesting to read. Admittedly I would probably not have recognized the word Farsi had it not been for an old boy friend who is Iranian American (father Persian mother American) my curiosity fully peaked I dumped it into my book bag with about five others, three of which I read (now with regret) before cracking a page of this cute and quirky little book ~ it was a fun read I laughed a lot sometimes belly laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Interestingly enough the day after I picked up the book at the library my Iranian American friend called to catch up on life. We have a strange vibe kinda friendship if you ask me~ if I pray for him he calls, find a book about Iranians in America he calls ~ freaky huh. So anyway I told him of the book and now that I have read it I have visions of spamming him constantly with web links until he reads it ~ it is well worth the read, sadly I doubt he will be running to the local library or bookstore to pick it up.

I think the reason I enjoyed the book so much is that I understood some of the cultural stereotypes exaggerated in the humor of the book. Then there was the descriptions of food that made me want to hop in the car to my new favorite place to eat at the food court in the mall ~ the closest thing to authentic Persian food (run by Iranian’s) I am likely to find around here. Even though it is “fast food” it is really yummy they even added French fries to their menu to appeal to kids…. so sad, I prefer basmati rice with my kabob!

The book was fun because it was cute and sentimental but also because it evoked sweet memories for me, if I think back twenty years I can smell basmati rice steaming on the stove and remember the kitchen table covered in phyllo dough and the smell of baklava wafting through the house. Persian rugs layered everywhere with funky lamps, the decorations in the house comfy with an eclectic Middle Eastern flare. I wont even attempt to describe the sink stopper in the upstairs bathroom. Ok Ann, I can hear you laughing :)

I have seen my friends beautiful mother a couple times over the years she is sweet and thoughtful but I have not seen his father who rarely spoke to me and probably never looked me in the eyes. My memories of him are of him yelling for his son with his thick accent down the stars where we had sequestered ourselves away from adult supervision. When I walked upstairs to make my escape the TV would be blaring and he would peer up over the newspaper briefly watching me leave the house the only thing visible to me was a balding head with curly dark hair on the sides and two hairy arms holding up the newspaper. That’s the most I saw of him unless of course he was looking for his son all too happy to get him away from the Christian girlfriend. To this day I think he sighed with great relief each time I exited his home and moaned upon my return lol ~ which was quite often.

From what I do remember of my friend’s family they are very different then the family in the book, they are much more Americanized most likely because only one parent is from Iran I’m not sure if they would consider this a compliment I do hope it would not be insult. The likelihood of them discovering this blog is slim although I am pretty sure the old BF has a link which he probably never uses (sigh of relief) my memories of them are fond and I would not want to offend them. Anyway the book was fun and brought back many memories forgotten twenty years past and more recently the Persian cooking lessens (can I just say YUM) from my friends cousin when she was going to school here at Miami several years ago. The food the cultural personality quirks and thick accent long forgotten now fresh in my mind.

Firoozeh’s (the author) story was worth writing (and reading) and since we are the same age and have similar memories it was fun but I am still not sure if I have a story. Ok well I do have a story but it so damn pathetic and depressing I find it hard to imagine anyone even believes it is true ~ as I have stated before, it sounds like a horrible Lifetime movie.

Another old BF recently told me (yes I know I am strange they just keep calling and yes were all just friends and no I wont tell you how many call ~ it’s way too scary!) anyway he was explaining the mathematical and statistical improbability of the chaos in my families lives. Well, I had thought of this before but in a so not mathematical way. since I would rather be doing anything but thinking of math including ditch digging and toilet cleaning. being such a literary historian as the old BF is it surprised me that he came up with this highly mathematical thought as well.

So I will continue to ponder the possibility not like it would really hurt to write it all down most of it is in journals hidden from prying eyes and in prayer letters I will continue contemplation and maybe I will do it published of not it would be healthy I suppose hummmm sounds as though I am trying to talk myself into this, time will tell.

blogging life

I have promised myself I would try to blog more often about life so this is my feeble attempt we will see how long it lasts. Ok I am in selfish mode today I am frustrated that I cannot join a gym like the Rec or curves (curves is having a special and caters to fibro) I had hope to go to the Tri but it will not work due to the independent nature of the thing. Dr nixed that said I needed a trainer or supervision I suppose I could just do it anyway but with my luck I would hurt myself further.

The veggie garden is in thanks to a little extra help and barrowed tools. We have planted heirloom, grape, roma tomatoes I um.. went a little tomato crazy this year. We also planted red and gold sweet peppers, red and green cabbage, cucumbers, green and yellow zucchini, butternut squash, basil, fennel, edible flowers and green beans I should try to post a picture for fun.

I finally gave in and posted a request on free cycle for a bunch of needs garden tools regular tools there is only so much that can be done with a hammer and screwdriver also trying to find a collapsible wheelchair for mom hope I get a few hits it would make life easier.

I went to see the neighbors kitten’s today they were way cute I am in love but must resist must resist must reeeeesist; actually we will not be adopting any kittens until nature takes its course in our rapidly aging kitties. The dog thing is another issue we really miss having a dog not sure if we should go there or not. I think of the expense the need for two fence sides to finish the yard and I say no way! But then, I look at how mom is when friends bring their dog for a visit or I pet sit she is in absolute bliss so the emotional benefits for her may out way the financial and physical inconveniences.

Shana surprised us the other day while Spenny was mowing (yeah Spen) she gifted us with irises so I was totally exited she has blessed us so much and is responsible for most the perennials in our flower beds. It’s so much fun to play in the garden something about getting dirt under your nails and smelling the soil and flowers it’s the walking after that’s the literal pain in the boot~ay.

This morning about 5 am as I was being pawed by the four legged male in my bed (hehe) the fragrance of fresh roses and lavender wafted through my bedroom window it was absolutely wonderful even though I had no desire to be awake after only a couple hours sleep. Anyway, I realized that I subconsciously planted almost all the herbs in the flower bed behind my room along with two fragrant rose bushes. So we have under my window sill two rose bushes two varieties of lavender, two varieties of thyme, three sages and beautiful but not so fragrant Coriopsis and a Japanese iris.

in order to relieve myself of further suffering from the nagging of four legged critters who think the world revolves around them I went to open the back door for the little varmints. When i did I rubbed up against the jasmine plant in the kitchen wow… if only the gardenias would cooperate and bloom again I would be in sure ecstasy lol. Plants and kitty’s in spite my protests are very good medicine.

We took mom to the Dr today trying new meds to help with anxiety she has been having problems sleeping since the Rec closed for cleaning hopefully she will go back next week and that should help a lot also trying to talk her into going to the therapist to help with the PTSD she so needs to deal with this so do I but she has better insurance lol.

We are still waiting to hear from the court I pray we get a trial I still have not read the final papers from the opposing counsel there is really no need it is all in the hands of God and the Judge so nothing I read can change anything other then frustrate me so why bother.

We have a huge to do list which includes finishing the documentation of losses in the garage, picking up my things in storage and dumping what we no longer need. We need to finish the spread sheets and organize them if we go to trial, we need a task force to help with our property which is currently a jungle, have to wash windows here look into equity loans again re-due a video update for the not so top secret project, see the credit counselor again and oh all this should be done asap and this is just the beginning of the list.

Such a boring uneventful life I lead what will I do with ALL my spare time? lol

Dad

21 years ago today my dad died. I still think of him every day I miss his corny humor the silly way he danced around the house his laugh and the smile lines around his blue eyes. Although I rarely see my uncles when I do its hard to look them in the eyes they look so much like him, in the eyes....

Everyone says you eventually get over losing those you love ~ they are either people who have little understanding of love or have never felt loss from the death of someone close to them I admit the grief changes with time but the spot they filled in your life is noticeably gone.

Jane died in May too I still think of her every day she and dad have a good gig I need to remember that. Grief is a strange thing I am confident that I will see them again but I hate missing them. I want to call Jane when I see cute cuddly critters or e mail her belly laughing stories or just call and chat about everything and nothing. I want to ask dad tons of historical family questions about his life in the mountains in a two room cabin I want to hear his voice I want him to argue theology with me get mad when I refuse to use KJV and tell me to act like a lady when I do something he thinks is not lady like LOL.

I want dad to tell me what to do with everything in the chaos but most of all I just want to see him hug him tell him I love him ~ I know he knows but i wish i could tell him. I wish he were here but I'm glad he is there.....

Error

Sometimes I feel as though I have spent the last five years screaming for help and no one listens, I know it’s not true but its how I feel. I came home Monday feeling so relived so free…. it lasted only a short time until I realized I had omitted a key peace of evidence in the brief and because I was so rushed and to make things worse the dear friend who helped me with typos and editing edited out key legal phrases that sound utterly ridiculous to anyone with half a brain who is not familiar with the legal terms.

It’s not like I have been slacking I have been working myself silly I am trying to correct my error and hoping for the courts favor since I am not a lawyer and truth be told did a hell of a job in spite of but….

I sit in pain from fibro that is catching up with me for overdoing it, a migraine headache and nausea praying to not be fearful and to get this done before 4:30 and suck it up when I get slammed by the other side for my incompetence because I will. Wishing I had a family of support to walk through this with me mad at my bro for not helping out more with mom etc. wishing I were stronger and praying I am there for everyone I love who is in need at least half as much as everyone has been there for me.

I thought this was my week of freedom that after Monday it would be in the hands of God and court and it is except for the fact that now I must wait again I know I m not learning the lessons I just don’t know how. Life happens and we are blessed more then most but bad things occur everyday all my life it seems for every good thing there are double or triple yucky things.

“Things” really don’t matter but don’t mess with my mom she has endured enough loss in her lifetime if I tallied right our losses are over 300K but it could be more or less I’m not sure if I am adding right it really stinks, then there are business losses of close to 100k in funds not to mention the other stuff. I keep telling myself it just money just things but apparently I don’t believe it especially when I look at how my mom has struggled.

I am not a very gracious person I am not strong I have no dignity all I have is confusion and hurt. I wish I could be a noble person who graciously deals with life and loss better but I am where I am and I don’t like it.

VENTING!

Ok just a couple days to go and I am jumping out of my skin although I should say I am stuck in cement with this whole thing. Then today I discover the master cylinder is toast on my car and we have a leak outside the house and need a plumber just when I was getting on a roll on the case with sorting out the facts I get the word the stupid pipes in the laundry room have spring a leak. I AM SO STINKIN TIERED OF ALL THIS CRAP> oh and I am leaving about a TON of stuff!

Those who go before us.

I wrote this yesterday

Mark Palmer died this morning, it seems surreal we hoped we prayed we fasted we hoped and prayed more It was not to be, I have questions that may never be answered in this earthly dwelling. I have come to terms with the fact that that is ok.

I only met Mark once I liked him right away from his intense passion for God and those he cared for at The Landing Place to his Celtic cross tattoo and the spiritual quest and revelation that went with it. I have followed his journey on his blog his wife Jennifer’s diagnosis with cancer his eternal perspectives and unending hope and faith for this world and the next.

When Jennifer died I asked why? I think she was only 26 her son Micah just a toddler we never met but I felt her passing as though I had experienced the death of a friend. I could not understand why someone so young with clearly so much to give would pass so quickly to leaving behind the two earthly loves of her life.

When I read that Amy and Mark were getting married I cried and thought this is how it should be a friend to both Jennifer and Mark who adored Micah. When the news came shortly there after of his diagnosis with cancer I cried out to God tiered of the sickness in a fallen world filled with disease chemicals and destruction. Tiered of watching the suffering and asked why again why Palmer, hasn’t this one so young endured enough?

Today I sit staring at this screen tears stuck in my throat that refuse to be forced out and free me from the binding. Like so many others including Palmer I held out hope for restoration through miracles of God and science.

I am grieving for sweet little Micah and Amy and the whole community I cannot imagine their pain of having to let go I see the strength and resilience of Amy and know that God gave her to Palmer and Micah as a gift ~ few are brave enough to endure so much with such faith grace and dignity.

I read this on a comment to Amy on Palmers blog a quote from a talk Palmer gave that impacted the life of one briefly yet eternally brushed by the presence of a humble traveler after Jenifer's passing

"I have questions. I want to know why. But, I know where to find the answers. I know who has the answers. So, if I know that why would I run away from Him? I want to be as close to Him as I can."

Palmer was so focused on good and hope and eternal perspectives his story of faith has touched my life like no other.

http://palmerlp.livejournal.com/

Inkling of Hope

I hardly ever take the time to blog anymore due to constant computer issues with the blogger server but I thought I would give it a shot as I am bursting with thoughts that need to be written so I will start with an update I sent to our church families, more will follow as my mind and heart is filled with truths things I ignore and or refuse to accept.

Dear Friends,

I want to give you an update to let you know how God is answering our prayers, this is a little long a bit like a “testimony” I suppose, but I hope you will be patient with me and take the time to read it, I pray it will excite you and encourage you in your faith! :)

Several weeks ago at my More Excellent Way accountability group, we prayed for our situation we prayed for some tough stuff, like releasing the property to the Lord we prayed over the file of legal papers etc. We prayed God would give me (us) wisdom and help me to know what to do etc.

That night I woke up many times and prayed I felt the Lord said I should embrace the responsibility before me of representing myself and to trust Him. I came to terms with this spiritually and asked him to give me the physical and emotional strength necessary. I also asked Him to raise up help for me and a lawyer if it be His will down the road.

The very next day a friend of mine (Shana) called to say she couldn’t stop thinking of us and our situation and asked me to hang out with her and bring with me the legal file box on Sunday so she could help me with a strategy. After three or four hours we had a plan I still didn’t feel I had a real grip on things but faithfully plodded along trying to sort things out and continue to do so.
 
Two weeks ago a friend invited me to a prayer group that has been meeting in Hamilton for 40 years. It was so wonderful these ladies take prayer very seriously ~ they are tough cookies I'm pretty sure the enemy hides on Wednesday in downtown Hamilton from 10 am till 4 pm! :) This group graciously anointed me with oil and spent much of their time praying over me for our situation, God imparted to them wisdom and discernment as they fervently walked me through prayer and deliverance.

At that meeting I met a man named Tim he rarely gets a chance to come to the prayer group but just "happened" to be there after many months. This is fun because when I was asked to go to this meeting I said I wasn’t sure until Holy Spirit urged me to go and I felt strongly I needed to be there.

Tim is a director of construction for a firm in Cincinnati; he asked me if he could visit with mom and me so he could look over our situation more closely in the next couple of days. He thought he might be able to help sort out our insurance policy and or use his connections to get us answers so we would know what to do next.
 
This man believes part of the call on his life is to get things done through prayer support and providing practical helps as he fires the body of Christ up and into action according to the scripture in order to help widows, orphans, those who have been wronged, have needs etc. Tim is a busy business man so I did not hear back from him and just figured God had closed another door. 

Over the past month Bill has been organizing my wonderful cinti friends to come and have work days to help document our losses another daunting task, the work days have been a huge answer to prayer. During this time Jeff and Bill felt lead by the Holy Spirit to go and pray over our property and ask God to remove hindrances and or curses that may be standing in our way of our freedom over our current situation.

So along with me and our dear friend Elaine we prayed and walked the property seeking wisdom from the Lord and taking back the land with the biblical authority given to us. We prayed Gods abundant blessings be poured out over our family and property and that the Lord would use the land and our situation for His will and purposes.

A few days later my brother went to pick up something on the property and discovered we had been robbed of fuel oil and vandalized so I had to fill out a police report etc. I found myself falling back into frustration, feeling helpless to protect our property and walk out of the mess we are in.
 
Over the next two weeks I was stonewalled by the insurance company, opposing counsel, and everyone in between we were getting pretty dragged down again. My mother’s battle with insomnia has been increasing with the stress and her faith has been challenged. In addition to her struggles I have just been losing it as I am continually overwhelmed and exhausted all the responsibilities are left to me since we do not have a lawyer, advisors etc. the responsibilities are daunting.
 
On Thursday I prayed God would continue to bring provision and help us pay our bills that day my mother showed me a beautiful and encouraging card with an anonymous check with just enough money to keep our utilities on again this month! God knows exactly what we need and when we need it we are humbled, blessed, and overwhelmed by Gods blessings and mercy through the body of Christ. So, anonymous friend (or friends) thank you for the bottom of our hearts ~ we are blessed beyond measure.
 
On Friday I cried out to the Lord for Him to deliver and save us from our situation over and over throughout the day I cried to the Lord and he placed in my heart that everything would be okay that I needed to rest and be at peace.

Before the end of the day I received a call from Tim who asked if he could visit with mom and me the next morning and take a look at our property in the country. At first Tim thought the Lord had sent him to us to help with the paper work as the morning wore on the Lord spoke to his heart and asked him to help us protect our home and property as it is a viable asset for us and it was not being stewarded well since our focus has been on daily survival.

Tim asked me to get as many strong bodies I could to make a commitment to a days work and promised to have a dumpster delivered this week. Two hours later he called to ask my permission to go onto the property to begin clean up the next day.

I called him late Sunday morning and learned he had been working by himself since 7:30 am when I arrived to help at noon I was flabbergasted at all he had accomplished. Tim believes Saturday we could finish the job with a few volunteers by early afternoon if not sooner!

We are so grateful for Gods provision and leadership it has pained us the last three years to watch the property fall further and further into disrepair and feel helpless to care for it. This is the first step; we will take things as the Lord leads. We do not know what this means for us if we will sell it, rent it, move back etc, so it’s best not to ask ;). God holds our future and the future of the property He has entrusted us with in His hands. We are incredibly thankful for His provision and after three years you can imagine our excitement.

We appreciate your continued prayer for God’s Will to be done, we are trying very hard not to pray our will but instead ask the Lord to lead us and direct us as He desires.

Love & Blessings to you all