Friday, July 30, 2004
Running out of Time...
Lets see what is going on, hung out with Kimmy on wed had a great time, she highlighted my hair turned out pretty good and made me feel a little better. Too bad you can’t spend an hour and take off 20 pounds! I am pretty sure the hair experience was more traumatic for Kim then me, the whole oh my gosh what if I ruin your hair thing but hey she didn't mess it up it looks good and even if she did I would only torture her for a few measly years! :) That girl is SO talented I think she can pretty much do anything she sets her mind too - oozes gifts and talents, I will write more about that later.
Misplaced my cell phone sometime yesterday, it is most likely set on vibrate doesn't help when I need people to call me back but I do leave my home number in messages too and always ask people to call that number first so..?
Things are still overwhelming talked to our landlord the other day he has been gracious to us in this situation but we need to give him an answer about if we are going to by the house etc. Everything is tied up in red tape I just don't know what can or will happen. We don’t have time to fool around and wait for people to call us back, but if we press too hard we end up with the crap from VLP don’t call us we will call you and its been over a month and they have not called us back. We only have a short time to find a GREAT lawyer willing to take the case on contingency because we don’t have a dime!
I am still in a depressive funk, I play the game pretty well out in public or hanging with friends but it is hard. Pretty much, at this moment I just don’t want to be around people, I am tired negative, depressed, etc. The thing we need is a solid support system an advocate because we just don’t have it in us emotionally or physically and we just don’t know enough about the legal system.
We are scheduled to meet with our friend the realtor and another guy we have known for many years about the house situation on Wednesday not sure what will happen I jut pray we can find answers this is horrible. We have talked on the phone about many options, but nothing is certain. There have been times in my life I have judged homeless people especially ones with children and have said why did they allow that to happen to them, end up living in a car or shelter etc… I had no idea how easy it is to be lost in bureaucracy, too easy to judge when you haven't walked their path.....
Misplaced my cell phone sometime yesterday, it is most likely set on vibrate doesn't help when I need people to call me back but I do leave my home number in messages too and always ask people to call that number first so..?
Things are still overwhelming talked to our landlord the other day he has been gracious to us in this situation but we need to give him an answer about if we are going to by the house etc. Everything is tied up in red tape I just don't know what can or will happen. We don’t have time to fool around and wait for people to call us back, but if we press too hard we end up with the crap from VLP don’t call us we will call you and its been over a month and they have not called us back. We only have a short time to find a GREAT lawyer willing to take the case on contingency because we don’t have a dime!
I am still in a depressive funk, I play the game pretty well out in public or hanging with friends but it is hard. Pretty much, at this moment I just don’t want to be around people, I am tired negative, depressed, etc. The thing we need is a solid support system an advocate because we just don’t have it in us emotionally or physically and we just don’t know enough about the legal system.
We are scheduled to meet with our friend the realtor and another guy we have known for many years about the house situation on Wednesday not sure what will happen I jut pray we can find answers this is horrible. We have talked on the phone about many options, but nothing is certain. There have been times in my life I have judged homeless people especially ones with children and have said why did they allow that to happen to them, end up living in a car or shelter etc… I had no idea how easy it is to be lost in bureaucracy, too easy to judge when you haven't walked their path.....
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Dark Night of the Soul
This night has been the longest so far, moving at an unnaturally slow pace my heart cannot find the peace that it longs for, it is there quiet unassuming so close it brushes against me but for some reason I cannot touch it.
Only Seventeen days left, we still have no answers caught up in red tape and one of society's greatest sins - not returning phone calls. The thing is if someone called and said sorry can’t help or we don't know or can we get back to you at our convenience that would be cool, that would be respectful, that would ooze integrity instead we are stuck, not knowing which way to turn what to do what not to do.
If something does not happen in the next day or two, we have no choice but to start packing, we probably should have done this already, I have just been trying to spare my mom but now that seems in vein. The thought of calling the media comes to mind, but then I think of sensationalism and find myself uncomfortable with that but it may be our only course of action?
As I think about were we can go its overwhelming, who could or would take us in, what would we do about accessibility for my mom, who would take in or care for our 21 year old dog and the kitties. My mom cannot even stay temporarily at a nursing home because of insurance issues or we would at least have 21 days of grace after Aug 14.
The only things I do know for sure to do is pray and praise God for life and a wonderful mom and good friends. I think a lot about Job, who lost everything and mourned, covered in ashes. It dawns on me that although this was most likely a cultural as well as spiritual act that is really all there was for him to mourn and grieve in the ashes of everything earthly that was lost and to cry out to God to bring comfort.
I was talking to a friend about a really faithful guy I met a couple of years ago, a short time after that meeting his wife was diagnosed with cancer, she died last summer. His blog is filled with faith trust and peace, its not that they did not struggle or that they did not have there moments of utter despair but they had and he still has a supernatural understanding of the eternal that is hard to grasp when going through difficult seasons of life. The archives are worth reading. http://www.livejournal.com/~palmerlp/ ok, guess I will try to go sleep again.......
Sunday, July 25, 2004
I called my ol' friend Pope to catch up this week he moved back home to Ohio after being in Atlanta for a couple of years. Good to catch up and LOL looking forward to a visit soon – hey babe you reading this, that means SOON or I will get out my can of Whoop Ass! :)
This trial and trib thing is moving like molasses its frighteningly scary we just try to remind ourselves we have a God who likes to build our faith and blow us out of the water with His creativity at the last min. Two things that Pope said really stuck in my head the first was that it was like I was a leaf on a tree being shaken and that Job was so much better off after the chaos. That is the hope that whether it be practical or spiritual the journey will have been worth it and in the deepest places of my heart I believe that is true, it’s the selfish whinny part that struggles!
Found out my friend who has been ill was moved from the Cardiac ICU to a step down, she is really having a hard time recovering lots of pain and lung issues, not surprised due to the smoking. They are not sure if the surgery worked I pray it did, I can’t imagine spending the rest of your life dealing with what she has had deal with…
Went to celebrate a friends birthday and wigged out with the introvert thing I almost left a few times but I kept praying, seemed to settle down after it got dark easier to hide I suppose. I have been at social functions with these people for 2-3 years not sure exactly what happened, sometimes the hardest places to fit in are like this one good people but they are so close new peeps have a hard time connecting.
Didn't sleep well again last night filed with thoughts of anything and everything, time is running out and I am feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. My mom is really hurting and scared feeling like a burden to me her church etc it will be five weeks if the "forget" her again today she is crushed….
Looked up the OTR link for a friend and came across there new MP3 on line you have to check it out it is very impressive let me know what you think IMHO high class quality entertainment BTW the back up vocalists ROCK! ;) http://www.overtherhine.com//////music/mp3rarity/index.html
This trial and trib thing is moving like molasses its frighteningly scary we just try to remind ourselves we have a God who likes to build our faith and blow us out of the water with His creativity at the last min. Two things that Pope said really stuck in my head the first was that it was like I was a leaf on a tree being shaken and that Job was so much better off after the chaos. That is the hope that whether it be practical or spiritual the journey will have been worth it and in the deepest places of my heart I believe that is true, it’s the selfish whinny part that struggles!
Found out my friend who has been ill was moved from the Cardiac ICU to a step down, she is really having a hard time recovering lots of pain and lung issues, not surprised due to the smoking. They are not sure if the surgery worked I pray it did, I can’t imagine spending the rest of your life dealing with what she has had deal with…
Went to celebrate a friends birthday and wigged out with the introvert thing I almost left a few times but I kept praying, seemed to settle down after it got dark easier to hide I suppose. I have been at social functions with these people for 2-3 years not sure exactly what happened, sometimes the hardest places to fit in are like this one good people but they are so close new peeps have a hard time connecting.
Didn't sleep well again last night filed with thoughts of anything and everything, time is running out and I am feeling pretty helpless and hopeless. My mom is really hurting and scared feeling like a burden to me her church etc it will be five weeks if the "forget" her again today she is crushed….
Looked up the OTR link for a friend and came across there new MP3 on line you have to check it out it is very impressive let me know what you think IMHO high class quality entertainment BTW the back up vocalists ROCK! ;) http://www.overtherhine.com//////music/mp3rarity/index.html
Friday, July 23, 2004
Embarrassing but funny :)
Trying this again
OK - I can finally see this silly picture hope I have made you all have a good LOL! I am new to this picture thing not really sure how I got this to work! Oh well C'mon LOL at my hair my cloths my gosh those earrings! :)
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Reflective
It was a long and unproductive day not feeling well temp is 100 very fatigued and have a headache did not sleep well last night yadda, yadda, yadda. Oh well hopefully I will feel better soon I really need to beat this fatigue thing.
I have been reflective today about conversations over the past few days, a close friend really challenged me by saying my mind is too busy and ya know what its true for the past year my mind is busy with worry, something I was freed from many years ago. I will never forget being at Morning star with Erika & the Mags, Beck and I went for prayer and this cool Messianic Jew prayed for me (us) at the time my head was filed with negativity and worry about Fibro, Endo etc.
He was from California and his name was David he was definitely gifted, one of the first things he prayed for me was that my mind be silenced from worry and be at peace. He then proceeded to pray for me for probably a half hour or so it was very powerful the manifest presence of God was burning hot on my hands as they trembled. That next morning when I woke up my mind was silent it was so quiet I was not bombarded by constant negative thoughts and it stayed away until mold hell I don’t ever remember it coming back until a year or so ago….
So, at this point I find myself looking for that freedom once again I know it can happen I think maybe that is the currant thing to pray for that the worry to silence it takes too much energy and I suspect it to be causing most if not all the fatigue.
Another reflection on life a close friend of mine is having fertility problems, I grieve for her she and her husband will be great parents it’s hard to see them long for a child so much and struggle to get pregnant. Her last words to me yesterday were about how thankful she was for her husband and how she never imagined she could ever feel the way she does be loved the way she is etc it choked me up because I hear so many people say it can NEVER happen to them, not that this applies to me :)
Later while chatting with a friend at 3 trees the truth bubbled close to the surface as I fought back tears. The rejection I fear as a result of Fibro and Endo the longing in my heart for unfulfilled dreams and desires wanting to sing more then anything and never being good enough. Wanting to be in theater or dance like years ago and never having the opportunities, longing to minister, to have a successful career. wondering if I am loveable or even worthy of love or for that matter can I really truly love others? Looking at the sacrifices I have made for my mom and wondering if that is the right path then quickly think what other choice have I had?
I don’t like who I have become in some ways, I opened a box that contained many photos and several letters I had not seen in years. They are mostly of my life in the 80’s and 90’s before Prednisone of course it seems that is how I look at the timelines of my life before and after steroids. I was so thin and kinda cute although I didn’t have a clue at the time, I don’t really think I gave much thought to those things I was a different person. I have always battled my self image and esteem but I was more confident and accepting of myself then which is scary. I definitely know the problem existed twenty years ago but I also know it has grown worse and I have become somewhat of a reflection of the lies. I don’t want to live in the past but I would like to learn from it when I wrote I remember it was easy to see where some of my issues came from, but it is not an excuse to continue to live there! I have never been so obsessed with these issues ever in my life every waking moment my mind seems to have the potential to drift to my physical emotional and spiritual inadequacies.
I read a few of the letters today while resting did not really fully recognize the girl they were written too I laughed as I read my secret admirer mail from college my three closest guy friends were relentless with there flirtations and quest to help me see I was beautiful inside and out and all truly liked me for me I think love letters from my college boyfriend that although sweet and revealing should probably be thrown away. looked closely at the photos too and raised I did not recognize the girl who was not afraid of cameras who looked happy with sparkling eyes, of course this was before my diagnosis with fibro.
The truth is I feel sorry for myself it is not a pretty thing I whine about my circumstances and grieve for the life I have “lost” without giving much thought to the life I have, broken as it is it is still a priceless gift. My desire to have children is not strong yet the infertility issues I have make me whine and say well if I ever got married I would at least like the choice or who the hell wants to marry a fat ugly potentially infernal chick with fibro. Self pity is a lie from the pit of hell and I have allowed the negative busy thoughts in my head to consume me. Then I think of my beautiful friend who is married and how desperately they want children and I am ashamed of my attitudes. All I can do is continue to call out to God to change my heart to help me not to drown in the lies to deliver me from the negative thoughts that have seeped into my mind.
I have been reflective today about conversations over the past few days, a close friend really challenged me by saying my mind is too busy and ya know what its true for the past year my mind is busy with worry, something I was freed from many years ago. I will never forget being at Morning star with Erika & the Mags, Beck and I went for prayer and this cool Messianic Jew prayed for me (us) at the time my head was filed with negativity and worry about Fibro, Endo etc.
He was from California and his name was David he was definitely gifted, one of the first things he prayed for me was that my mind be silenced from worry and be at peace. He then proceeded to pray for me for probably a half hour or so it was very powerful the manifest presence of God was burning hot on my hands as they trembled. That next morning when I woke up my mind was silent it was so quiet I was not bombarded by constant negative thoughts and it stayed away until mold hell I don’t ever remember it coming back until a year or so ago….
So, at this point I find myself looking for that freedom once again I know it can happen I think maybe that is the currant thing to pray for that the worry to silence it takes too much energy and I suspect it to be causing most if not all the fatigue.
Another reflection on life a close friend of mine is having fertility problems, I grieve for her she and her husband will be great parents it’s hard to see them long for a child so much and struggle to get pregnant. Her last words to me yesterday were about how thankful she was for her husband and how she never imagined she could ever feel the way she does be loved the way she is etc it choked me up because I hear so many people say it can NEVER happen to them, not that this applies to me :)
Later while chatting with a friend at 3 trees the truth bubbled close to the surface as I fought back tears. The rejection I fear as a result of Fibro and Endo the longing in my heart for unfulfilled dreams and desires wanting to sing more then anything and never being good enough. Wanting to be in theater or dance like years ago and never having the opportunities, longing to minister, to have a successful career. wondering if I am loveable or even worthy of love or for that matter can I really truly love others? Looking at the sacrifices I have made for my mom and wondering if that is the right path then quickly think what other choice have I had?
I don’t like who I have become in some ways, I opened a box that contained many photos and several letters I had not seen in years. They are mostly of my life in the 80’s and 90’s before Prednisone of course it seems that is how I look at the timelines of my life before and after steroids. I was so thin and kinda cute although I didn’t have a clue at the time, I don’t really think I gave much thought to those things I was a different person. I have always battled my self image and esteem but I was more confident and accepting of myself then which is scary. I definitely know the problem existed twenty years ago but I also know it has grown worse and I have become somewhat of a reflection of the lies. I don’t want to live in the past but I would like to learn from it when I wrote I remember it was easy to see where some of my issues came from, but it is not an excuse to continue to live there! I have never been so obsessed with these issues ever in my life every waking moment my mind seems to have the potential to drift to my physical emotional and spiritual inadequacies.
I read a few of the letters today while resting did not really fully recognize the girl they were written too I laughed as I read my secret admirer mail from college my three closest guy friends were relentless with there flirtations and quest to help me see I was beautiful inside and out and all truly liked me for me I think love letters from my college boyfriend that although sweet and revealing should probably be thrown away. looked closely at the photos too and raised I did not recognize the girl who was not afraid of cameras who looked happy with sparkling eyes, of course this was before my diagnosis with fibro.
The truth is I feel sorry for myself it is not a pretty thing I whine about my circumstances and grieve for the life I have “lost” without giving much thought to the life I have, broken as it is it is still a priceless gift. My desire to have children is not strong yet the infertility issues I have make me whine and say well if I ever got married I would at least like the choice or who the hell wants to marry a fat ugly potentially infernal chick with fibro. Self pity is a lie from the pit of hell and I have allowed the negative busy thoughts in my head to consume me. Then I think of my beautiful friend who is married and how desperately they want children and I am ashamed of my attitudes. All I can do is continue to call out to God to change my heart to help me not to drown in the lies to deliver me from the negative thoughts that have seeped into my mind.
Monday, July 19, 2004
I want my own space!
Let’s see what I have been up to… Spent Sunday morning recuperating from Sat night had lunch at Kona (YUM!) and spent the afternoon with a good friend. Picked up Joe to hang out and go to Veritas and was sweetly surprise that two of my fav peeps came to check out the Veritasian house church experience, hope they were blessed. Got an emergency call and rescued a friend with a flat tier - had to take a road trip to Hoosier Ville. Went back to Veritas too late to hang out etc on home and back up town for a crazy car ride to nowhere with a preoccupied friend - sounds terribly exciting huh?
Received great news about my friend who has been ill, I talked to her daughter in this morning. The surgery was Friday her mom is well but having a lot of post opp pain and discomfort, not sure if she will be going back to the nursing home to rehab or directly home. The best news is her son recommitted his life to Christ and has moved back home to live with her and hopefully help take care of her when she gets home until she is on her feet. I pray he can get the support and counsel he needs to change his life it could be a hard road. He told his sister he realized the only time he was happy and had peace in his life was when he was walking with Christ! J Even with all the trials we are going through I still can relate to that same experience.
On to my exiting day today business meetings this morning with potential but I just don’t have peace not sure if the offer is a wise one at this time. We will continue to explore the possibilities and see what happens, I really need discernment. My bro hooked me up with a potential biz contact so I am praying the doors open it could be a great place to wholesale with. Made tons of phone calls when I returned home haven’t had one returned and it is now after 5 pm the questing is why am I surprised by this, you would think I would be used to it by now we really have to find a lawyer and secure housing ASAP!
Had a bit of a melt down about my life today I love my mom and believe I am called to live with her for this season, but there are times when I just want to live on my own. I really need my own space to be alone to hang with friends to crank up the tunes and not worry about disturbing her. Gosh sometimes I just feel like a teenager who has no real independence of her own. Maybe I need to try to house/pet sit a little bit more I do miss my little critter friends and I definitely miss the money, but I just don’t feel very reliable considering our current situation.
On a lighter note Pan one of my fav puppy friends who is currently living with us, has started steeling my bras yes BRAS! She likes to lick them which is totally gross Cathy said Vega does this too and that is it a deodorant thing so all you dog lovers has your dog ever licked your Bra! I await your stories with much anticipation LOL!
Received great news about my friend who has been ill, I talked to her daughter in this morning. The surgery was Friday her mom is well but having a lot of post opp pain and discomfort, not sure if she will be going back to the nursing home to rehab or directly home. The best news is her son recommitted his life to Christ and has moved back home to live with her and hopefully help take care of her when she gets home until she is on her feet. I pray he can get the support and counsel he needs to change his life it could be a hard road. He told his sister he realized the only time he was happy and had peace in his life was when he was walking with Christ! J Even with all the trials we are going through I still can relate to that same experience.
On to my exiting day today business meetings this morning with potential but I just don’t have peace not sure if the offer is a wise one at this time. We will continue to explore the possibilities and see what happens, I really need discernment. My bro hooked me up with a potential biz contact so I am praying the doors open it could be a great place to wholesale with. Made tons of phone calls when I returned home haven’t had one returned and it is now after 5 pm the questing is why am I surprised by this, you would think I would be used to it by now we really have to find a lawyer and secure housing ASAP!
Had a bit of a melt down about my life today I love my mom and believe I am called to live with her for this season, but there are times when I just want to live on my own. I really need my own space to be alone to hang with friends to crank up the tunes and not worry about disturbing her. Gosh sometimes I just feel like a teenager who has no real independence of her own. Maybe I need to try to house/pet sit a little bit more I do miss my little critter friends and I definitely miss the money, but I just don’t feel very reliable considering our current situation.
On a lighter note Pan one of my fav puppy friends who is currently living with us, has started steeling my bras yes BRAS! She likes to lick them which is totally gross Cathy said Vega does this too and that is it a deodorant thing so all you dog lovers has your dog ever licked your Bra! I await your stories with much anticipation LOL!
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Wedding Cont...
The wedding was beautiful, Christi was breathtaking and so were the bridesmaids Eric was handsome, I loved seeing the look on his face when he caught his first glimpse of Christi as her father walked her down the isle. His eyes were as big as saucers his mouth dropped - not sure if he remembered to breathe for a minute :) It was like he was thinking WOW I get to marry her, it was nice to see there love for one another and for God. I see couples like them and think hey maybe love is real and not an illusion? Ok, I believe in love but the boy girl I love you enough to die for you or follow you to the ends of the earth thing is just too much for me to believe in sometimes. I know it exists for some just not me well at least not for a long time anyway and I doubt it ever will. The music was incredibly beautiful too many talented people all in all a great evening it went perfectly, I am so thankful God brought them together.
Stopped at Borders on the way home a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket so I bought myself a CD (Reel Big Fish) and a book (By Terry Goodkind) I have been waiting to come out in paperback for what seems like forever, it was NEVER at the library, RATS!
Tried to keep the focus on the wedding but my mind and conversations drifted a few times to mold hell, when I finally arrived back home I walked through the door and my mom said hi, we have mail from " the court", Not a how are you, Not how was the wedding, Not did you have a nice night? – But, read this letter Now, see what we have to deal with Now, what are we going to do Now etc! I just started crying, hell I'm still crying I just don't know how I am supposed to deal I feel so damn alone in all this! I am so jealous of people who struggle with petty little problems what to do on a Sat night or I wonder if he/she likes me….Gosh I am so far from where I want to be with Jesus right now, I rally hate it I hate the loneliness the frustration not knowing what to do or not to do I pray we have a breakthrough soon, less then four weeks everything seems to be coming hard all at once and I fall crumbled beneath it with my hands lifted up saying please hold on to me tighter.
Stopped at Borders on the way home a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket so I bought myself a CD (Reel Big Fish) and a book (By Terry Goodkind) I have been waiting to come out in paperback for what seems like forever, it was NEVER at the library, RATS!
Tried to keep the focus on the wedding but my mind and conversations drifted a few times to mold hell, when I finally arrived back home I walked through the door and my mom said hi, we have mail from " the court", Not a how are you, Not how was the wedding, Not did you have a nice night? – But, read this letter Now, see what we have to deal with Now, what are we going to do Now etc! I just started crying, hell I'm still crying I just don't know how I am supposed to deal I feel so damn alone in all this! I am so jealous of people who struggle with petty little problems what to do on a Sat night or I wonder if he/she likes me….Gosh I am so far from where I want to be with Jesus right now, I rally hate it I hate the loneliness the frustration not knowing what to do or not to do I pray we have a breakthrough soon, less then four weeks everything seems to be coming hard all at once and I fall crumbled beneath it with my hands lifted up saying please hold on to me tighter.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Veritasian Wedding
Getting ready for the fist ever Veritasian wedding, looking forward to it, it will be fun hopefully I can hold it together and be an encouragement and not have a pity party about my life or in some opinions lack of one. Thought I would just write a little bit cause this new blogger upgrade sux I have not been able to do much with it so here goes…?
Friday, July 16, 2004
Driving me crazy!
Ok, for some reason my post did not work it the first time it disapeared into blogger hell - from the new upgrade maybe? Well to recap - I am stressed and want to scream whish I could just get in the car and drive - go hang on a beach or go out west and climb in the mountains and soak it all in. It seems to be the thing that constantly ocupies my mind when I have had enough financial and legal stuff so I day dream about Hawii or Jamaca or going out west to Montana then on to the black hills and down to Colorado. Of course, I would have to vistit about a dozen of my fav peeps along the way. :) Mom is having a hard day med complications again if she isn't better soon she may have to go to the hospital, I am worried for her it just never seems to end its hard to whatch her hurt! then i am also pretty selfish and dream of my escape, she need a break to a visit to her fav peeps out west would do her a world of good as well.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Catching Up..
Still no lawyer still no answers can we sell can we buy where will we go what can we do time is running out the current runs fast and the time warp keeps me trapped nothing resolved.
Since walking at the Woods with Gina on Monday I cannot get Montana out of my mind (fantasizing a road trip :) this should not be a surprise considering our history. I do miss it the smell the peace the beauty of it all it is easy to take for granted the beauty around us when we have climbed a mountain and felt as though our next step would bring us into the presence of God, cause I am sure Montana is His fav place to visit and take a stroll :) I find myself nostalgic and thinking of my three fav guys from back in the day all living out west, maybe a few phone calls are in order one night it has been too long...
Sat on the stoop Tuesday night soaking in the most beautiful sunset created by a storm far off, the wind whipping through the trees the smell of rain wafting through the air it was amazing it was powerful wish we had had a real storm. The power of a thunderstorm is so energizing there is just nothing like it next storm I'm gonna dance in it :)
That same night I was hit hard by the reality of how far the broken will go to manipulate and try to salvage what they have lost, at first I was angered then just sad. The depths a person is willing to go to redeem what they have lost frightening. More then anything I guess it was a lesson learned not sure if any real harm was done at least for me but the misunderstandings of the broken heart will take time to heal, I pray it will come quickly and wise choices will be made.
Mom's surgery went well, they found veins that worked so she did not have to under go full anesthesia which could have brought with it time on a ventilator, so thankful she did not have to deal with that! Her mobility is much challenged I was feeding her but she managed a little lunch without much assistance and is maneuvering a little better in the wheelchair this afternoon. I had hoped to go see one of my fav bands tonight at the music fest but I am not sure if it is wise to leave her alone. Sometimes it sux to be me this is the only group I have really looked forward to seeing all summer especially since they ousted Kogge which was so not cool in my opinion!
Certified mail just delivered new info from our former lawyer the spiel familiar from other malpractice cases we read on the net filed against him I am concerned all we can do is pray. Can't even begin to express how tired I am of it all. Think I will grab the phones and head to the tub to soak in the essence of choice for today, not exactly sure what that is yet but I am thinking frivolous so maybe rose or jasmine. Wish I could ditch the phones and just escape for a little while but I can't chance missing a phone call. Well mom needs me again and my bath awaits hopefully good news will come quickly...
Since walking at the Woods with Gina on Monday I cannot get Montana out of my mind (fantasizing a road trip :) this should not be a surprise considering our history. I do miss it the smell the peace the beauty of it all it is easy to take for granted the beauty around us when we have climbed a mountain and felt as though our next step would bring us into the presence of God, cause I am sure Montana is His fav place to visit and take a stroll :) I find myself nostalgic and thinking of my three fav guys from back in the day all living out west, maybe a few phone calls are in order one night it has been too long...
Sat on the stoop Tuesday night soaking in the most beautiful sunset created by a storm far off, the wind whipping through the trees the smell of rain wafting through the air it was amazing it was powerful wish we had had a real storm. The power of a thunderstorm is so energizing there is just nothing like it next storm I'm gonna dance in it :)
That same night I was hit hard by the reality of how far the broken will go to manipulate and try to salvage what they have lost, at first I was angered then just sad. The depths a person is willing to go to redeem what they have lost frightening. More then anything I guess it was a lesson learned not sure if any real harm was done at least for me but the misunderstandings of the broken heart will take time to heal, I pray it will come quickly and wise choices will be made.
Mom's surgery went well, they found veins that worked so she did not have to under go full anesthesia which could have brought with it time on a ventilator, so thankful she did not have to deal with that! Her mobility is much challenged I was feeding her but she managed a little lunch without much assistance and is maneuvering a little better in the wheelchair this afternoon. I had hoped to go see one of my fav bands tonight at the music fest but I am not sure if it is wise to leave her alone. Sometimes it sux to be me this is the only group I have really looked forward to seeing all summer especially since they ousted Kogge which was so not cool in my opinion!
Certified mail just delivered new info from our former lawyer the spiel familiar from other malpractice cases we read on the net filed against him I am concerned all we can do is pray. Can't even begin to express how tired I am of it all. Think I will grab the phones and head to the tub to soak in the essence of choice for today, not exactly sure what that is yet but I am thinking frivolous so maybe rose or jasmine. Wish I could ditch the phones and just escape for a little while but I can't chance missing a phone call. Well mom needs me again and my bath awaits hopefully good news will come quickly...
Monday, July 12, 2004
Busy weekend
Fabulous Bachelorette (sp?) party on Fri night Kim amazes me she is so incredibly talented the whole apartment was decorated in great detail and abfab! Great food great friends a total hit, hard to believe there will be two Veritasion weddings in the next three weeks definitely a milestone for us. Also found out Shaina was expecting she will be a great mom but wow to be 19- 20 in pregnant, I am just not old enough to have kids so I don't understand ;)!!
Went to celebrate my two fav girls from Seattle's birthdays Sat night it was great, fun friends, fireworks and great food. They are good kids I hope they bypass teenage rebellion they are really exceptional the fam has done a good job - it has been fun to watch them grow up, time is passing fast.
Went back and taught the girls how to make a simple water and oil emulsion aka lotion had fun, I think the girls did too. Unfortunately I was crying a lot Sunday I had to wait for them so I hung out and prayed under a beautiful tree. My heart still tender and tiered from the current…Pulled myself together for them but found myself more vulnerable again at Veritas I wanted to stay and pretend everything was ok but I just couldn't to be fair they don’t expect me to always have it together and they have definitely seen me at my worst! I couldn't stay my heart was too tender it would have been all about me and not the other important things going on like the upcoming weddings and house purchase for Veritas. I had to step out twice in the first half hour because I started to cry, cried on the way out and all the way home too - I was not alone another friend was having a hard night too.
I went up town to the fountains to meet a friend to distract me from the heaviness It started raining hard it would have been nice to just stay there and soak it all in. being an adult type person sux sometimes I should have I just lain down and watched the storm explode overhead and worry about wet cloths later. Ended up getting a video don't remember the name, but I laughed through the whole thing which I really needed. Escape is good but not always wise responsibilities continue to press hard against me the time to escape too short. I dread the phone calls the business meetings of the week mom's surgery is a concern that something so simple could be so..
Had a productive day for the most part lots of phone calls this morning and biz apt this afternoon that may bring potential working relationships. Mom really saved the day I guess my melt down on sat got through to her She made tons of phone calls while I was in Middletown, I was so thankful it was a blessing to have a little help. Gina and I went walking for a couple miles tonight at the woods it was great I have been slacking on the walking schedule I need to get back to six days a week. If I don't loose this stupid wait soon I feel like I will explode, it sux that the self image thing is such a battle of late not good timing with all the other stuff going on not that there is a good time to deal with it..
Great pix and a letter arrived from my fav friend and his two beautiful girls I miss them so much, don't think they could get any prettier but I know they will. That is a concern too.. thankful they have such wonderful parents. So now I procrastinate, writing in the blog trying not to think about what I must do tomorrow trying hard not to think about the self image issues trying hard not to think about how horribly written this blog is and its need for editing - not that I am very good at that either but oh well at least I am getting things out of my system..
Went to celebrate my two fav girls from Seattle's birthdays Sat night it was great, fun friends, fireworks and great food. They are good kids I hope they bypass teenage rebellion they are really exceptional the fam has done a good job - it has been fun to watch them grow up, time is passing fast.
Went back and taught the girls how to make a simple water and oil emulsion aka lotion had fun, I think the girls did too. Unfortunately I was crying a lot Sunday I had to wait for them so I hung out and prayed under a beautiful tree. My heart still tender and tiered from the current…Pulled myself together for them but found myself more vulnerable again at Veritas I wanted to stay and pretend everything was ok but I just couldn't to be fair they don’t expect me to always have it together and they have definitely seen me at my worst! I couldn't stay my heart was too tender it would have been all about me and not the other important things going on like the upcoming weddings and house purchase for Veritas. I had to step out twice in the first half hour because I started to cry, cried on the way out and all the way home too - I was not alone another friend was having a hard night too.
I went up town to the fountains to meet a friend to distract me from the heaviness It started raining hard it would have been nice to just stay there and soak it all in. being an adult type person sux sometimes I should have I just lain down and watched the storm explode overhead and worry about wet cloths later. Ended up getting a video don't remember the name, but I laughed through the whole thing which I really needed. Escape is good but not always wise responsibilities continue to press hard against me the time to escape too short. I dread the phone calls the business meetings of the week mom's surgery is a concern that something so simple could be so..
Had a productive day for the most part lots of phone calls this morning and biz apt this afternoon that may bring potential working relationships. Mom really saved the day I guess my melt down on sat got through to her She made tons of phone calls while I was in Middletown, I was so thankful it was a blessing to have a little help. Gina and I went walking for a couple miles tonight at the woods it was great I have been slacking on the walking schedule I need to get back to six days a week. If I don't loose this stupid wait soon I feel like I will explode, it sux that the self image thing is such a battle of late not good timing with all the other stuff going on not that there is a good time to deal with it..
Great pix and a letter arrived from my fav friend and his two beautiful girls I miss them so much, don't think they could get any prettier but I know they will. That is a concern too.. thankful they have such wonderful parents. So now I procrastinate, writing in the blog trying not to think about what I must do tomorrow trying hard not to think about the self image issues trying hard not to think about how horribly written this blog is and its need for editing - not that I am very good at that either but oh well at least I am getting things out of my system..
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Let me be angary a little while
It's never enough I am never good enough and it's always something just when you think things cant possibly get worse they do. I am tiered I am tiered of being strong... we foolishly think of suffering as though it were a right of passage of a gift for the strong or faithful. I don't want to be strong and I don't want God to be strong for me, in this moment right now I need to feel this and although I know this feeling will pass soon as truth engulfs me I need to be angry I need to cry and scream I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, I just want to run away with no cares. My heart cries out for the truth that I long to drench myself in and I know will soon it's the race against time to write the anger before the truth comes.
I know it sounds crazy and it is.. maybe the past 4.5 years have made me a little crazy but I need to be mad I need to be pissed off. Pissed at our disgusting lawyer and the corporate insurance company that doesn't give a damn that any day our electric could be turned off in less then five weeks we are out on our asses with little hope of saving our house selling our house buying or renting baring a miracle that I know in my heart can happen. I want to be mad I want to be pissed off I want to hate them if only for a little while. Then the peace will come and truth will flood my soul bringing with it forgiveness. A little of the hurt will remain and too much of the despair and I will go about my life and people will say, you are so strong you are so faithful it cant get any worse then it is. And my heart will be faithful and I will agree because in my own strength I can do nothing and I know every good thing in me comes from God.
But it can get worse and it may and I will want to scream at my mother again as she constantly nags me because of her own hurt and fear and I will face life like always. But for now I want to be angry I want to scream I want to pound my fist against the wall and cry out WHY I am so tiered of phone calls so tired of reaching out in humility it all feels in vain. I need to be mad I need to let it out without restraint, if only for a little while.
Kimmy just stopped she is a blessing listening patiently as I vented, it felt good!
I know it sounds crazy and it is.. maybe the past 4.5 years have made me a little crazy but I need to be mad I need to be pissed off. Pissed at our disgusting lawyer and the corporate insurance company that doesn't give a damn that any day our electric could be turned off in less then five weeks we are out on our asses with little hope of saving our house selling our house buying or renting baring a miracle that I know in my heart can happen. I want to be mad I want to be pissed off I want to hate them if only for a little while. Then the peace will come and truth will flood my soul bringing with it forgiveness. A little of the hurt will remain and too much of the despair and I will go about my life and people will say, you are so strong you are so faithful it cant get any worse then it is. And my heart will be faithful and I will agree because in my own strength I can do nothing and I know every good thing in me comes from God.
But it can get worse and it may and I will want to scream at my mother again as she constantly nags me because of her own hurt and fear and I will face life like always. But for now I want to be angry I want to scream I want to pound my fist against the wall and cry out WHY I am so tiered of phone calls so tired of reaching out in humility it all feels in vain. I need to be mad I need to let it out without restraint, if only for a little while.
Kimmy just stopped she is a blessing listening patiently as I vented, it felt good!
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
I Remember
This is part of my history, the dark part I did not grow up in a large city as one would assume upon reading these memories. The events of the past have shaped my life some have made me stronger some have not. In my sleeplessness I have tried to discover the roots of my brokenness the purpose is NOT to wallow in self pity I have too much to be thankful for. Maybe this list will grow as time goes on maybe it will not this is only a small part of the first 12-14 years of my life. The other side the sweeter side will follow soon as the waters continue to stir.
I remember growing up on the wrong side of the tracks
I remember the squalor of poverty
I remember the shame and embarrassment
I remember never fitting in no matter how hard I tried
I remember that I hated being different
I remember the loneliness
I remember Tammy shoving me in front of the car her hands crashing hard into the small of my back catapulting me forward, the feel of the black top as it scuffed and burned my hands my face a foot away from the front of the green car as it screeched to a stop
I remember Ruthie locking me in her yard and later in the basement and torturing me
With her words and the tools on hand I remember her mother coming home and sending me on my way without much thought to what was really going on
I remember Melissa swinging my arm hard and my body crushing into the brick wall with the jagged pieces
I remember the 3 or was is 5 who held me down and beat me the boys heavy foot that held down my head as the others kicked as the crossing guard turned away - I chipped my tooth that day
I remember the boy who ran over me with his bike and the spoke that went straight through the side of my knee - I can still see the scar
I remember playing through the fence with Kim because I was rarely allowed in her yard
I remember hurting with pain far deeper then bruises
I remember hell fire and brimstone
I remember hating church but loving Jesus
I remember overhearing children and adults plot to keep us from youth group outings the looks on their faces and fumbled excuses when they were caught
I remember being taunted by "good" Christian kids as parents looked on - my parents clueless and forgiving
I remember not fitting in and never being good enough
I remember the boy who fathered three children by his fourteenth birthday being cornered by the police and our dog in the back yard
I remember the same boy threw a chair through our front window
I remember coming home to learn my father was attached at gun point
I remember the stalker and how scared my father was
I remember being frightened and shaken hard by the two guys in the red car on drugs getting away and running to school and having to file a police report
I remember the guy with long blond hair shooting up across the street I watched him through the front window
I remember the smell of pot wafting through our windows on warm summer nights
I remember JR and the huge garbage bag of marijuana and the girl who screamed and cried for help that night as a policeman walked down the street ignoring her
I remember living in fear
I remember being ashamed of having a handicapped parent and afraid of loosing her
I remember my dad driving himself to the hospital when he had his first heart attach and the constant worry that followed
I remember my grandmother's cancer and being by her side when she died
I remember too many funerals
I remember learning to expect the worst
I remember growing up on the wrong side of the tracks
I remember the squalor of poverty
I remember the shame and embarrassment
I remember never fitting in no matter how hard I tried
I remember that I hated being different
I remember the loneliness
I remember Tammy shoving me in front of the car her hands crashing hard into the small of my back catapulting me forward, the feel of the black top as it scuffed and burned my hands my face a foot away from the front of the green car as it screeched to a stop
I remember Ruthie locking me in her yard and later in the basement and torturing me
With her words and the tools on hand I remember her mother coming home and sending me on my way without much thought to what was really going on
I remember Melissa swinging my arm hard and my body crushing into the brick wall with the jagged pieces
I remember the 3 or was is 5 who held me down and beat me the boys heavy foot that held down my head as the others kicked as the crossing guard turned away - I chipped my tooth that day
I remember the boy who ran over me with his bike and the spoke that went straight through the side of my knee - I can still see the scar
I remember playing through the fence with Kim because I was rarely allowed in her yard
I remember hurting with pain far deeper then bruises
I remember hell fire and brimstone
I remember hating church but loving Jesus
I remember overhearing children and adults plot to keep us from youth group outings the looks on their faces and fumbled excuses when they were caught
I remember being taunted by "good" Christian kids as parents looked on - my parents clueless and forgiving
I remember not fitting in and never being good enough
I remember the boy who fathered three children by his fourteenth birthday being cornered by the police and our dog in the back yard
I remember the same boy threw a chair through our front window
I remember coming home to learn my father was attached at gun point
I remember the stalker and how scared my father was
I remember being frightened and shaken hard by the two guys in the red car on drugs getting away and running to school and having to file a police report
I remember the guy with long blond hair shooting up across the street I watched him through the front window
I remember the smell of pot wafting through our windows on warm summer nights
I remember JR and the huge garbage bag of marijuana and the girl who screamed and cried for help that night as a policeman walked down the street ignoring her
I remember living in fear
I remember being ashamed of having a handicapped parent and afraid of loosing her
I remember my dad driving himself to the hospital when he had his first heart attach and the constant worry that followed
I remember my grandmother's cancer and being by her side when she died
I remember too many funerals
I remember learning to expect the worst
Tonight I feel awful - not sure if I am sick having a panic attach or just exhausted. Physically it's hard to describe I really hate going to doctors and dealing with hospitals but if this doesn't stop soon I will have to do something.
I am tiered worn angry... Tiered of being responsible, tiered of swimming in circles wish I could just run away sometimes - well at least go on a vacation! I think of a friend too far away to help who plans her own death because she is angry that life has not gone her way and It sickens. The selfishness the emotional black mail the manipulation the guilt the lies and the despair she allows rob her of the beauty of life and it grieves me. As I contemplate life what it has and has not given I see even through the muck that it is a sweet gift. I look at the losses throughout my life especially those of the last four years, the dreams and desires of the heart unfulfilled as of yet and can honestly say it is worth it if only to step on inch closer to my God and I am thankful for that.
The PODS have been repossessed along with almost all our belongings our future dimmed by our earthly eyes. The muck at the bottom of this little experiment is murky at best. Remembering days gone by at the pet store, cleaning out the tanks with the hydro - clean all the nasty mucky stuff being sucked up off the bottom of the tank in a simple but magical plastic tube muddy yellowed putrid rocks left clean, glass sparkling like crystals. Maybe that is the process the churning of the water filtering out everything that clouds so we can see clear?
For all of you who have called, e mailed and posted asking for an update thank you I will try to do that soon your love and friendship are beyond measure - I may be broken and tiered but a pretty rich chick :)
I am tiered worn angry... Tiered of being responsible, tiered of swimming in circles wish I could just run away sometimes - well at least go on a vacation! I think of a friend too far away to help who plans her own death because she is angry that life has not gone her way and It sickens. The selfishness the emotional black mail the manipulation the guilt the lies and the despair she allows rob her of the beauty of life and it grieves me. As I contemplate life what it has and has not given I see even through the muck that it is a sweet gift. I look at the losses throughout my life especially those of the last four years, the dreams and desires of the heart unfulfilled as of yet and can honestly say it is worth it if only to step on inch closer to my God and I am thankful for that.
The PODS have been repossessed along with almost all our belongings our future dimmed by our earthly eyes. The muck at the bottom of this little experiment is murky at best. Remembering days gone by at the pet store, cleaning out the tanks with the hydro - clean all the nasty mucky stuff being sucked up off the bottom of the tank in a simple but magical plastic tube muddy yellowed putrid rocks left clean, glass sparkling like crystals. Maybe that is the process the churning of the water filtering out everything that clouds so we can see clear?
For all of you who have called, e mailed and posted asking for an update thank you I will try to do that soon your love and friendship are beyond measure - I may be broken and tiered but a pretty rich chick :)
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