Spent most of the day on the phone again today searching for solutions not one person returned a call, it was frustrating. Don't get to see the potential rental, after talking it over with my friend I realize the likelihood of it being handicapped accessible is extremely small.
Plans to go see my fav band Over the Rhine were dashed Fri night had a little pity party then decided to shrug it off and have fun with Kimmy. Spent a wonderful night with her fam at the movies and dinner. We went to see The Notebook it is probably considered a chick flick, not my fav type of movie at least not the commercial ones. This however was different, it is one of the most beautiful movies I have seen in a long time the cinematography was exceptional, the story beautiful.
It really made me think about life and love and the depths that two people can love, something I avoid thinking about too much. It was about a powerful passionate love Something I have a hard time believing in although I know it can exist from a time long ago in a land far far away lost and forgotten...
When you see a movie like this it is so easy to just chalk it us as fantasy like the happily ever after it seems serial like it could never really happen in real life. But then you see a look pass between a young couple or an older one married for 50 years and it's not so hard to believe More could be said this is just not the day to say it....
Monday, June 28, 2004
Friday, June 25, 2004
Chaotic Phone calls and Blessings
So much happened yesterday, I awoke and began to pray and had a sense it would be a difficult God spoke to my heart about trust and pressing in it was all I could do the calls began early and the chaos continued. I spent more then 6 hrs on the phone almost non stop our situation seems to have become my full time job. It started with a business crisis then on to the real-estate agent calling to say they have potential renters in town to view the house and can they come to see it in an hr - thank goodness the 24 hr law saved us we will see if they come today?
Sent out an urgent prayer request and a friend was standing at our door with a proposition from a local businessman and a potential place to move. I will most likely see it today with my tape measure in hand unfortunately it sounds like it is not handicapped accessible and would require the selling or storage of most of our belongings and of course no room for business. Gosh, I sound ungrateful I hate that it has to be so complicated every road we seem to walk down seems to be a road block so…. We need to find the right road!
A cool call came from a business associate with a contact to investigate - that was encouraging we scheduled a meeting in a couple weeks and will see where we go from there. Hopefully things will just flow and begin to move in a new direction, time will tell...
Went to hang out with a friend to escape for an hr up town at the water fountains then on to Three Tree's it was nice but there was an undercurrent of stress we are both going through and exhaustion to match. A friend used to say to me jokingly Life is a bitch and then it makes puppies :) I think we have a large litter LOL!
The water fountains were nice tonight, but because of the music festival there must have been 20-30 high school students milling about it was still nice in spite of the crowd. Little kids ran and played with no cares screaming and giggling in delight the colors of the lights making there faces glow red white and blue (except for the mutant purple one which of course is my fav! :)
I was never a fan of tearing down The Tower because of its historical elements and fond memories but I have to admit the park has become a nice place to be. I have loved the peacefulness of hanging out uptown especially by the fountains at night.
I am finally getting sleepy again up and down writing in the blog and poking on the commputer all night daylight is breaking maybe I will catch an hr or two sleep before....?
Sent out an urgent prayer request and a friend was standing at our door with a proposition from a local businessman and a potential place to move. I will most likely see it today with my tape measure in hand unfortunately it sounds like it is not handicapped accessible and would require the selling or storage of most of our belongings and of course no room for business. Gosh, I sound ungrateful I hate that it has to be so complicated every road we seem to walk down seems to be a road block so…. We need to find the right road!
A cool call came from a business associate with a contact to investigate - that was encouraging we scheduled a meeting in a couple weeks and will see where we go from there. Hopefully things will just flow and begin to move in a new direction, time will tell...
Went to hang out with a friend to escape for an hr up town at the water fountains then on to Three Tree's it was nice but there was an undercurrent of stress we are both going through and exhaustion to match. A friend used to say to me jokingly Life is a bitch and then it makes puppies :) I think we have a large litter LOL!
The water fountains were nice tonight, but because of the music festival there must have been 20-30 high school students milling about it was still nice in spite of the crowd. Little kids ran and played with no cares screaming and giggling in delight the colors of the lights making there faces glow red white and blue (except for the mutant purple one which of course is my fav! :)
I was never a fan of tearing down The Tower because of its historical elements and fond memories but I have to admit the park has become a nice place to be. I have loved the peacefulness of hanging out uptown especially by the fountains at night.
I am finally getting sleepy again up and down writing in the blog and poking on the commputer all night daylight is breaking maybe I will catch an hr or two sleep before....?
Thursday, June 24, 2004
The Never ending Blog entry :)
Last week
Started writing this several days ago thought I would bring things up to date.
Guess I need to catch up on my weekly events, not that they are so exiting but a couple cool things happened. A neat God thing happened last week, my friends dog Pan disappeared from her yard, I went into a panic calling people praying someone had taken her to the nursing home for a visit. There was nothing that could be done but wait and pray so I went uptown and hung out with two fab chicks I really like and admire had a wonderful time hanging out and laughing and sharing stories.
Ran into an old friend from trek that I had been praying for a lot and hoping to connect with it was greeted to see her and exchange numbers. She learned of the dog saga and promised to keep her eyes open, Not 5 min passed and she called asking if the dog was gold and explained she was at Pizza Hut and saw a stray I new it was her due to the proximity to my house (figured she was looking for me :) we rushed over and all I had to do was call her name and she came running!
What a relief The coolest thing was the divine connection at least that is what I call it, I suppose the cynic would say it wasn't significant just a mere coincidence, but since I don't believe in coincidence ;) makes me think about the chain of events in our lives, Jamie saw us uptown and followed us in her car so we could connect I mentioned my stress about the dog because I was on the phone with a family member trying to find out if someone had taken her.
What would have happened if we had never connected would Pan have found her way just a few houses down the street, would she have been hurt or worse. The possibility of either scenario is great the cynic in me (yes unfortunately there is one ;) could say she would have found her way to me eventually. But the person of faith in me is reminded that the lilies of the fields and birds of the air have no need of worry, so then how much more will the loving Father care for His children? A thought that needs to be permeated on my heart as I toss and turn in my bed living on little sleep and too much stress...
Went on a spontaneous trip Friendship Fri night with JD to connect with old friends and deal with a little business. As always it was a hoot and a blessing to find myself in the midst of muzzle loaders rebel flags and Native American and African traders. I am amazed by the extremes there one booth will have glass blown beads carvings or hand made native wares that blow your mind the next plastic crap and odds and ends of things with no obvious purpose. Can I hook anyone up with a velvet pic of Elvis the latter year's, or maybe a 30 foot rebel flag to announce where the party is? hehehe:)
Like the booths the people are all different and eclectic as well most have lead interesting lives with great stories to tell more then a few faced with tragedy and unhappiness and there are those who I find myself friends with who bless my life and make me laugh, more treasure hidden within the strange tapestry of a tacky little flea market in the middle of know where.
The heartbreak of friendship for me this year was a friend's confession of only drinking water coffee and B vitamins for three months she explained her process of purging toxins from the body and that I should not worry, she is not anorexic but just did not really like food anymore and was eating enough to survive! To say the least I was concerned so I told her so, she is a beautiful woman it hurt to see what she has done to herself all I can do is pray whatever is going on in her life is addressed so that she can find healing.
Back to the farmers market on sat, it was slow hopefully it will pick up as the summer continues and I will be able to continue without interruption. Slept most of the day on Saturday thank goodness it was about time not sure how much more of this insomnia thing I can handle. Had a drink with a friend at Three Trees Sat night good conversation had much fun and even ended up being challenged on multiple levels about life.
Reflective and prayerful Sunday morning soaking in the sun and listening to the birds sing then out to Huston woods for a walk on the beach and a short hike before the craziness of the day even started my responsibilities stared me in the face. Great night at Veritas also with challenging conversation I missed an event I was really looking forward too which really sux but all in all a good but tiring day.
Pissed off VLP on Monday by calling them at my moms insistence, she is just so stressed she wont let up and I worry it will hurt us is she doesn't take stock in what is at stake with the legal issues we are facing. I don't want to blame her but when she constantly nags me with her worries and have you called when will you call what is going on it not only drives me nut it puts me off guard and I make mistakes.
So to my ultimate embarrassment the pressure cooker exploded and the tears flowed while on the phone as the lawyer explained that my two other messages were annoying - so don't call me I will call you. She pretty much threw in my face that calling our lawyer like 4-6 times and leaving messages on his machine over the past 6-7 mo had most likely damaged our relationship with him.
Mind you she drilled me with questions about this and that legal issues and other info expecting me to know all the answers and understand the foreign language that the courts speak. I can't even get an update from the lawyer who wants to withdraw or a legitimate reason for him to want to do this after spending 75 hrs on the case. It make no since to me why he would choose this, I don't know what we will do if he does withdraw and tries to collect money we don't have, hopefully the volunteer part of our agreement will click in and spare us?
If I had spent 75 hrs on a case I would do everything to win that case so I could be paid, I am so nervous about this thing, something just isn't right It's the same gnawing in my spirit I had while the contractor was doing the negligent work at the house and know one would listen to us. There is more here that meets the eye hopefully that will be reviled soon all we can do is trust and believe it will all work out.
Ok, the never ending journal entry has brought me up to date my excuse is I can't sleep and working on business projects are too noisy and my mom is finely back to sleep. So if someone out there did more then skim this page, if you read every single word of this Blog we SO need to talk I'll help find you a hobby, my garage needs cleaning ;) hehehe...
well it is late or should i saw early, maybe I can catch a couple hrs of sleep before I have to be a responsible adult again?
Started writing this several days ago thought I would bring things up to date.
Guess I need to catch up on my weekly events, not that they are so exiting but a couple cool things happened. A neat God thing happened last week, my friends dog Pan disappeared from her yard, I went into a panic calling people praying someone had taken her to the nursing home for a visit. There was nothing that could be done but wait and pray so I went uptown and hung out with two fab chicks I really like and admire had a wonderful time hanging out and laughing and sharing stories.
Ran into an old friend from trek that I had been praying for a lot and hoping to connect with it was greeted to see her and exchange numbers. She learned of the dog saga and promised to keep her eyes open, Not 5 min passed and she called asking if the dog was gold and explained she was at Pizza Hut and saw a stray I new it was her due to the proximity to my house (figured she was looking for me :) we rushed over and all I had to do was call her name and she came running!
What a relief The coolest thing was the divine connection at least that is what I call it, I suppose the cynic would say it wasn't significant just a mere coincidence, but since I don't believe in coincidence ;) makes me think about the chain of events in our lives, Jamie saw us uptown and followed us in her car so we could connect I mentioned my stress about the dog because I was on the phone with a family member trying to find out if someone had taken her.
What would have happened if we had never connected would Pan have found her way just a few houses down the street, would she have been hurt or worse. The possibility of either scenario is great the cynic in me (yes unfortunately there is one ;) could say she would have found her way to me eventually. But the person of faith in me is reminded that the lilies of the fields and birds of the air have no need of worry, so then how much more will the loving Father care for His children? A thought that needs to be permeated on my heart as I toss and turn in my bed living on little sleep and too much stress...
Went on a spontaneous trip Friendship Fri night with JD to connect with old friends and deal with a little business. As always it was a hoot and a blessing to find myself in the midst of muzzle loaders rebel flags and Native American and African traders. I am amazed by the extremes there one booth will have glass blown beads carvings or hand made native wares that blow your mind the next plastic crap and odds and ends of things with no obvious purpose. Can I hook anyone up with a velvet pic of Elvis the latter year's, or maybe a 30 foot rebel flag to announce where the party is? hehehe:)
Like the booths the people are all different and eclectic as well most have lead interesting lives with great stories to tell more then a few faced with tragedy and unhappiness and there are those who I find myself friends with who bless my life and make me laugh, more treasure hidden within the strange tapestry of a tacky little flea market in the middle of know where.
The heartbreak of friendship for me this year was a friend's confession of only drinking water coffee and B vitamins for three months she explained her process of purging toxins from the body and that I should not worry, she is not anorexic but just did not really like food anymore and was eating enough to survive! To say the least I was concerned so I told her so, she is a beautiful woman it hurt to see what she has done to herself all I can do is pray whatever is going on in her life is addressed so that she can find healing.
Back to the farmers market on sat, it was slow hopefully it will pick up as the summer continues and I will be able to continue without interruption. Slept most of the day on Saturday thank goodness it was about time not sure how much more of this insomnia thing I can handle. Had a drink with a friend at Three Trees Sat night good conversation had much fun and even ended up being challenged on multiple levels about life.
Reflective and prayerful Sunday morning soaking in the sun and listening to the birds sing then out to Huston woods for a walk on the beach and a short hike before the craziness of the day even started my responsibilities stared me in the face. Great night at Veritas also with challenging conversation I missed an event I was really looking forward too which really sux but all in all a good but tiring day.
Pissed off VLP on Monday by calling them at my moms insistence, she is just so stressed she wont let up and I worry it will hurt us is she doesn't take stock in what is at stake with the legal issues we are facing. I don't want to blame her but when she constantly nags me with her worries and have you called when will you call what is going on it not only drives me nut it puts me off guard and I make mistakes.
So to my ultimate embarrassment the pressure cooker exploded and the tears flowed while on the phone as the lawyer explained that my two other messages were annoying - so don't call me I will call you. She pretty much threw in my face that calling our lawyer like 4-6 times and leaving messages on his machine over the past 6-7 mo had most likely damaged our relationship with him.
Mind you she drilled me with questions about this and that legal issues and other info expecting me to know all the answers and understand the foreign language that the courts speak. I can't even get an update from the lawyer who wants to withdraw or a legitimate reason for him to want to do this after spending 75 hrs on the case. It make no since to me why he would choose this, I don't know what we will do if he does withdraw and tries to collect money we don't have, hopefully the volunteer part of our agreement will click in and spare us?
If I had spent 75 hrs on a case I would do everything to win that case so I could be paid, I am so nervous about this thing, something just isn't right It's the same gnawing in my spirit I had while the contractor was doing the negligent work at the house and know one would listen to us. There is more here that meets the eye hopefully that will be reviled soon all we can do is trust and believe it will all work out.
Ok, the never ending journal entry has brought me up to date my excuse is I can't sleep and working on business projects are too noisy and my mom is finely back to sleep. So if someone out there did more then skim this page, if you read every single word of this Blog we SO need to talk I'll help find you a hobby, my garage needs cleaning ;) hehehe...
well it is late or should i saw early, maybe I can catch a couple hrs of sleep before I have to be a responsible adult again?
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Reality check
My last post was not my finest hour I look at were I have allowed this whole thing to take me and I shudder. Sometimes I am too reflective other times not reflective enough, to say what I did about the secretary far from appropriate and not my place. Even if some of the feelings associated with those comments were valid - others were not.
Fear and confusion are not cool things and they certainly do not come from God but they are the two things that best describe my current state. I have always been affirmed for my faith and strength which is both humbling and scary. The truth is I am weak any strength or faith I have at times come from God alone and are not mine but borrowed gifts from my Lord. Unfortunately, I find myself trying to do things in my own strength and it just does not work I am called to an active faith but this does not mean I should rely on my own strength to get things done.
I am realizing I must become weaker not stronger which to some will sound absolutely crazy I need to fall upon my face before my God in wholehearted surrender and allow Him to pick me up and help me to stand. I have allowed the constant pressure of this situation to weigh me down in more ways then I care to admit and it flows over into every area of my life as I battle the dreaded self pity and righteous indignation we as humans feel we deserve to boost ourselves up, I do not want these things to continue to poisoning my life!
Even though I am a person of deep thought I have always loved to laugh and play with my friends and have many silly stories that never find there way to this blog I have been asking myself why that is? I do look at this as a form of therapy for myself it's not just about being vulnerable but walking through the emotions and thoughts that find there way into my life. I would like to see a transformation over time that includes more humor more faith more belief that things will be ok. I would like to see the beliefs I have in my head saturate every corner of my heart and spill over into every area of my life including this blog.
There are things I know without a shadow of a doubt that have become too clouded by fear confusion and other negative emotions that I have given permission to. I haven't a clue how to go about doing this but I will start by placing my trust in God moment by moment hour by hour and day by day, filling my mind with His promises. I will continue to write and to pray and to seek out other believers to pray with me and try to remain humble and allow God to provide my strength...
Fear and confusion are not cool things and they certainly do not come from God but they are the two things that best describe my current state. I have always been affirmed for my faith and strength which is both humbling and scary. The truth is I am weak any strength or faith I have at times come from God alone and are not mine but borrowed gifts from my Lord. Unfortunately, I find myself trying to do things in my own strength and it just does not work I am called to an active faith but this does not mean I should rely on my own strength to get things done.
I am realizing I must become weaker not stronger which to some will sound absolutely crazy I need to fall upon my face before my God in wholehearted surrender and allow Him to pick me up and help me to stand. I have allowed the constant pressure of this situation to weigh me down in more ways then I care to admit and it flows over into every area of my life as I battle the dreaded self pity and righteous indignation we as humans feel we deserve to boost ourselves up, I do not want these things to continue to poisoning my life!
Even though I am a person of deep thought I have always loved to laugh and play with my friends and have many silly stories that never find there way to this blog I have been asking myself why that is? I do look at this as a form of therapy for myself it's not just about being vulnerable but walking through the emotions and thoughts that find there way into my life. I would like to see a transformation over time that includes more humor more faith more belief that things will be ok. I would like to see the beliefs I have in my head saturate every corner of my heart and spill over into every area of my life including this blog.
There are things I know without a shadow of a doubt that have become too clouded by fear confusion and other negative emotions that I have given permission to. I haven't a clue how to go about doing this but I will start by placing my trust in God moment by moment hour by hour and day by day, filling my mind with His promises. I will continue to write and to pray and to seek out other believers to pray with me and try to remain humble and allow God to provide my strength...
Monday, June 21, 2004
Truth eludes me
Tossed and turned all night woke up every hour for 15-20 min before falling back to sleep mini dreams of the lawyer yelling at me which he has done before in real life hearing him say over and over you have really screwed things up calling in my dream repeatedly and getting nowhere. I keep asking myself what did we do, did I call him too much not enough is there a conflict of interest? To be honest I really can't stand the guy he is arrogant and cocky but he is good at what he does and loosing him this far in is just too much to deal with for me right now...
Maybe its Gods grace, maybe there is a conflict of interest, maybe I should have kept calling back to talk to psycho secretary and not just be satisfied with voice mail. I should not call her psycho secretary she seems nice but I just cant handle her at times and I feel bad like I should be more compassionate to her especially after her confession of contemplating suicide. I think her Catholicism is too important to her to really go through with it, but I am concerned. Should I do more then pray is it just another distraction with no substance or a distraction with substance I can do nothing about anyway?
We only have a few weeks, will God allow us to become homeless to tech us will we find a way out of this mess? There is a part of me that wants to start packing just in case I know our God will never leave us or forsake us but that does not guarantee our understanding of the process it does not mean we get everything our way.
The losses are becoming a burden I don't know how to deal with I tell myself over and over they were never mine to loose the people or the things but so far that reality barely scratches the surface of my heart. I have not heard from my closest friend in a while I tell myself I must have hurt their feelings - negativity seems to have wormed its way into my mind and I am fearful.
I feel another friendship close by slipping away and there is probably nothing I can do to change the circumstances behind that either, you cannot undo what has been said and done. I am still grieving and perhaps in my process allowing untruths to fill my mind and distract me further. I hurt, I feel alone and abandoned yet I recognize feelings and reality are often at odds - the truth should comfort me but instead eludes my heart.
Maybe its Gods grace, maybe there is a conflict of interest, maybe I should have kept calling back to talk to psycho secretary and not just be satisfied with voice mail. I should not call her psycho secretary she seems nice but I just cant handle her at times and I feel bad like I should be more compassionate to her especially after her confession of contemplating suicide. I think her Catholicism is too important to her to really go through with it, but I am concerned. Should I do more then pray is it just another distraction with no substance or a distraction with substance I can do nothing about anyway?
We only have a few weeks, will God allow us to become homeless to tech us will we find a way out of this mess? There is a part of me that wants to start packing just in case I know our God will never leave us or forsake us but that does not guarantee our understanding of the process it does not mean we get everything our way.
The losses are becoming a burden I don't know how to deal with I tell myself over and over they were never mine to loose the people or the things but so far that reality barely scratches the surface of my heart. I have not heard from my closest friend in a while I tell myself I must have hurt their feelings - negativity seems to have wormed its way into my mind and I am fearful.
I feel another friendship close by slipping away and there is probably nothing I can do to change the circumstances behind that either, you cannot undo what has been said and done. I am still grieving and perhaps in my process allowing untruths to fill my mind and distract me further. I hurt, I feel alone and abandoned yet I recognize feelings and reality are often at odds - the truth should comfort me but instead eludes my heart.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Restless
Made a futile attempt at writing my weekly events for the blog and failed miserably. My mind is just not focusing I am restless, feel like I am swimming in circles. To much loss to comprehend I am fearful of more losses, not trusting with my whole heart not resting in His peace. I will get around to journaling the events of the past week soon if I can walk out of this. Tired of feeling alone through this whole thing and even though I recognize this in my head as a lie my heart has not caught up as yet....
The human condition
The past week was off the charts I am struggling and exhausted my mom is much better she went back to church today hopefully she will go back to water therapy soon. Worked on the funding thing non stop thankfully grace was given for do diligence this does not however mean I am out of the woods... New doors are opening we will see in time if I am allowed to enter not sure I am up for the wait patients seems to eludes my life currently.
Foremost on my mind of late is the human condition and how what we say and do can greatly affect those around us whether that being for good or ill; There are some things that can never be taken back. I am not sure were this leaves us, humbled hopefully and more aware of our humanness, maybe the hope is to give grace where it is needed and to find humor in this condition if it can be found. Maybe I will write more on this later....?
Foremost on my mind of late is the human condition and how what we say and do can greatly affect those around us whether that being for good or ill; There are some things that can never be taken back. I am not sure were this leaves us, humbled hopefully and more aware of our humanness, maybe the hope is to give grace where it is needed and to find humor in this condition if it can be found. Maybe I will write more on this later....?
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Life
Mom sick all day today, I spent the day on the phone playing phone tag with doctor’s legal aid and fed funding reps. Worried about mom, questioning her release from the hospital. Questioning the layers withdraw from mold hell, what did we do what didn’t we do what WILL we do? Anxious about the hearing confused depressed, not productive, not sleeping - I hate this!
Something’s got to give, we need a miracle we need direction we need to learn the lesson and move on. Time seems to speed forward we are caught in a vortex nothing is really happening or getting done. At times I envy those who seem to have everything together there lives touched by simplicity everything at there fingertips the only stress what to wear or where to send the kids to school next year, not that I personally know any of these charmed souls LOL! Maybe they are fiction too maybe they don’t really exist, another elusion to distract us from reality and turn us from truth?
My friend entered a nursing home while my mom was in the hospital, the biopsy negative her first order of business, take off the damn patch and start smoking again! Gods grace was poured upon her once again and she spit at it, I hate her a little for that but in the same breath I recant and realize I cannot hate her but I desperately want to... Maybe that would make it easier, hate her for her destructive tendencies I don’t want to watch her do this, do we blame it on addiction or the choice - should we blame at all?
Her family thinks I am over reacting maybe I am but it just doesn’t seem right to continue and know the benign tumor could become cancer in her throat at any moment! What brings a person to self destruction to self hatred what does it take to value the life we have with all its cruelty and beauty? A friend told me once I had too many friends and loved too deeply the numbers have dwindled considerably in the end who will be left?
Something’s got to give, we need a miracle we need direction we need to learn the lesson and move on. Time seems to speed forward we are caught in a vortex nothing is really happening or getting done. At times I envy those who seem to have everything together there lives touched by simplicity everything at there fingertips the only stress what to wear or where to send the kids to school next year, not that I personally know any of these charmed souls LOL! Maybe they are fiction too maybe they don’t really exist, another elusion to distract us from reality and turn us from truth?
My friend entered a nursing home while my mom was in the hospital, the biopsy negative her first order of business, take off the damn patch and start smoking again! Gods grace was poured upon her once again and she spit at it, I hate her a little for that but in the same breath I recant and realize I cannot hate her but I desperately want to... Maybe that would make it easier, hate her for her destructive tendencies I don’t want to watch her do this, do we blame it on addiction or the choice - should we blame at all?
Her family thinks I am over reacting maybe I am but it just doesn’t seem right to continue and know the benign tumor could become cancer in her throat at any moment! What brings a person to self destruction to self hatred what does it take to value the life we have with all its cruelty and beauty? A friend told me once I had too many friends and loved too deeply the numbers have dwindled considerably in the end who will be left?
Explanations
Thankfully after a 9 day hospital stay my mother returned home yesterday, clutter rambling in my mind has been fidgeting, now it has the freedom to escape.
About misconceptions, sorry I gave the wrong impression, thankful three loving friends called, thankful I could say no my mom is alive and well! Pink was about Jane, I rented Calendar Girls to take my mind off the struggles of late. Somewhere in the middle I broke down and sobbed, crying harder then what seemed forever raw emotions crashing hard against the surface like a title wave. The grief that needed to escape after being trapped in the post trauma of rapid fire events of the last few years finally freed from its cage.
If I were to think too much about what I write in this Aquarium nothing would be said, although a detail person I find that cryptic becomes the flow as I process in blogdom. I try not to edit other then the occasional typo or spell check if I were to think too much edit too much my heart would not be bare and this skinny dipping experiment would be over.
There are days I just get down right wiggy and think oh my gosh friends and strangers are reading this BLOG the temptation follows delete the whole thing and hide in a cave for a few years? Even so, my commitment to the nakedness remains strong not all post are connected, not all thoughts make sense, not all emotions are pure, and not all bloggers like being naked and pressed against the glass...
About misconceptions, sorry I gave the wrong impression, thankful three loving friends called, thankful I could say no my mom is alive and well! Pink was about Jane, I rented Calendar Girls to take my mind off the struggles of late. Somewhere in the middle I broke down and sobbed, crying harder then what seemed forever raw emotions crashing hard against the surface like a title wave. The grief that needed to escape after being trapped in the post trauma of rapid fire events of the last few years finally freed from its cage.
If I were to think too much about what I write in this Aquarium nothing would be said, although a detail person I find that cryptic becomes the flow as I process in blogdom. I try not to edit other then the occasional typo or spell check if I were to think too much edit too much my heart would not be bare and this skinny dipping experiment would be over.
There are days I just get down right wiggy and think oh my gosh friends and strangers are reading this BLOG the temptation follows delete the whole thing and hide in a cave for a few years? Even so, my commitment to the nakedness remains strong not all post are connected, not all thoughts make sense, not all emotions are pure, and not all bloggers like being naked and pressed against the glass...
Monday, June 07, 2004
Misconceptions....
Doris is ALIVE and Well, her daughter on the other hand needs to place strange thoughts in context.... I will explain later :)
Saturday, June 05, 2004
PINK
I will wear pink, actually fuchsia and praise God for life and love and humor I will watch British comedy like Calendar Girls and exalt the almighty for the life that was yours and I will morn your passing and be thankful for your life. I will choose not to dwell on the past and the lives yet to loose or new lives that were never mine to loose anyway. I will choose solitude and love over the alternative :)
Hospitals
It’s my mom this time, I hate hospitals I am tiered I am scared, just when you think the tears have come they cease. I love her so much and hate to see her hurt I hate my self absorbed attitudes of who will take care of me etc. she is my family she is my friend she is the best mom I could have asked for. Like dad she is too good for this world but I want her here longer. I don’t know what to do I am so overwhelmed and feel so alone at least I know that is a lie…..
Friday, June 04, 2004
The Fantasy Cont....
Writing too much crap in this blog of late, but I wanted to continue the vacation fantasy - maybe I need too in order to keep my sanity. Ok I have already decided the vacation will include a beach a book and good music but it should also be in or near a spa. I am thinking full body massage daily, a sea weed wrap to flush out the toxins, um and a little too much water weight :) heck a whole makeover would be nice to... The idea, come back totally refreshed, relaxed and more confident, Hey maybe a fat farm to loose 20 pounds, LOL! It sounds like a nice fantasy but rally any trip away from the madness would help. Still fantasizing about that European trip occasionally or any other exciting place off this continent and away from stress, hey I can justify frivolity in the midst of financial ruin - just try me :)
Twenty Cans of Success & Who I Am in Christ
In an attempt to end the melancholy crap I keep struggling with I thought I would copy a couple of positives that keep me a float, need to read them more often!
Twenty Cans of Success
1 Why should I say I can't when the Bible says I can do all
things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians
4:13)?
2 Why should I lack when I know that God shall supply all my
needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:19)?
3 Why should I fear when the Bible says God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Timothy 1:7)?
4 Why should I lack faith to fulfill my calling, knowing that God has allotted to me a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)?
5 Why should I be weak when the Bible says that the Lord is the strength of my life and that I will display strength and take action because I know God (Psalm 27:1; Daniel 11:32)?
6 Why should I allow Satan supremacy over my life when He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4)?
7 Why should I accept defeat when the Bible says that God
always leads me in triumph (2 Corinthians 2:14)?
8 Why should I lack wisdom when Christ became wisdom to me from God and God gives wisdom to me generously when I ask Him for it (1 Corinthians 1:30; James 1:5)?
9 Why should I be depressed when I can recall to mind God's
lovingkindness, compassion and faithfulness, and have hope
(Lamentations 3:21-23)?
10 Why should I worry and fret when I can cast all my anxiety on Christ who cares for me (1 Peter 5:7)?
11 Why should I ever be in bondage knowing that there is liberty where the Spirit of the Lord is (2 Corinthians 3:17)?
12 Why should I feel condemned when the Bible says I am not
condemned because I am in Christ (Romans 8:1)?
13 Why should I feel alone when Jesus said He is with me always and He will never leave me nor forsake me (Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5)?
14 Why should I feel accursed or that I am the victim of bad
luck when the Bible says that Christ redeemed me from the
curse of the law that I might receive His Spirit(Galatians
3:13, 14)?
15 Why should I be discontented when I, like Paul, can learn to be content in all my circumstances (Philippians 4:11)?
16 Why should I feel worthless when Christ became sin on my
behalf that I might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21)?
17 Why should I have a persecution complex knowing that nobody can be against me when God is for me (Romans 8:31)?
18 Why should I be confused when God is the author of peace and He gives me knowledge through his indwelling Spirit (1 Corinthians 14:33; 2:12)?
19 Why should I feel like a failure when I am a conqueror in all things through Christ (Romans 8:37)?
20 Why should I let the pressures of life bother me when I can take courage knowing that Jesus has overcome the world and its tribulations (John 16:33)?
Who i am in Christ
I am accepted...
John 1:12 I am God's child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Rom. 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Cor. 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Cor. 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Cor. 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.
Eph. 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Col. 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Col. 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Heb. 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.
I am secure...
Rom. 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Rom. 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Rom. 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Cor. 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Col. 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Phil. 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Phil. 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Tim. 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God, and the evil one cannot harm me [beyond what God may allow].
I am significant...
John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Cor. 3:16 I am God's temple.
2 Cor. 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Eph. 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Eph. 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
Eph. 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Phil. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Dr. Neil T Anderson, Freedom in Christ and Harvest House Publishers
Twenty Cans of Success
1 Why should I say I can't when the Bible says I can do all
things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians
4:13)?
2 Why should I lack when I know that God shall supply all my
needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:19)?
3 Why should I fear when the Bible says God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Timothy 1:7)?
4 Why should I lack faith to fulfill my calling, knowing that God has allotted to me a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)?
5 Why should I be weak when the Bible says that the Lord is the strength of my life and that I will display strength and take action because I know God (Psalm 27:1; Daniel 11:32)?
6 Why should I allow Satan supremacy over my life when He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4)?
7 Why should I accept defeat when the Bible says that God
always leads me in triumph (2 Corinthians 2:14)?
8 Why should I lack wisdom when Christ became wisdom to me from God and God gives wisdom to me generously when I ask Him for it (1 Corinthians 1:30; James 1:5)?
9 Why should I be depressed when I can recall to mind God's
lovingkindness, compassion and faithfulness, and have hope
(Lamentations 3:21-23)?
10 Why should I worry and fret when I can cast all my anxiety on Christ who cares for me (1 Peter 5:7)?
11 Why should I ever be in bondage knowing that there is liberty where the Spirit of the Lord is (2 Corinthians 3:17)?
12 Why should I feel condemned when the Bible says I am not
condemned because I am in Christ (Romans 8:1)?
13 Why should I feel alone when Jesus said He is with me always and He will never leave me nor forsake me (Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5)?
14 Why should I feel accursed or that I am the victim of bad
luck when the Bible says that Christ redeemed me from the
curse of the law that I might receive His Spirit(Galatians
3:13, 14)?
15 Why should I be discontented when I, like Paul, can learn to be content in all my circumstances (Philippians 4:11)?
16 Why should I feel worthless when Christ became sin on my
behalf that I might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21)?
17 Why should I have a persecution complex knowing that nobody can be against me when God is for me (Romans 8:31)?
18 Why should I be confused when God is the author of peace and He gives me knowledge through his indwelling Spirit (1 Corinthians 14:33; 2:12)?
19 Why should I feel like a failure when I am a conqueror in all things through Christ (Romans 8:37)?
20 Why should I let the pressures of life bother me when I can take courage knowing that Jesus has overcome the world and its tribulations (John 16:33)?
Who i am in Christ
I am accepted...
John 1:12 I am God's child.
John 15:15 As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.
Rom. 5:1 I have been justified.
1 Cor. 6:17 I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.
1 Cor. 6:19-20 I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.
1 Cor. 12:27 I am a member of Christ's body.
Eph. 1:3-8 I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.
Col. 1:13-14 I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Col. 2:9-10 I am complete in Christ.
Heb. 4:14-16 I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.
I am secure...
Rom. 8:1-2 I am free from condemnation.
Rom. 8:28 I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.
Rom. 8:31-39 I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Cor. 1:21-22 I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.
Col. 3:1-4 I am hidden with Christ in God.
Phil. 1:6 I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.
Phil. 3:20 I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Tim. 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
1 John 5:18 I am born of God, and the evil one cannot harm me [beyond what God may allow].
I am significant...
John 15:5 I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.
John 15:16 I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
1 Cor. 3:16 I am God's temple.
2 Cor. 5:17-21 I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
Eph. 2:6 I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.
Eph. 2:10 I am God's workmanship.
Eph. 3:12 I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Phil. 4:13 I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Dr. Neil T Anderson, Freedom in Christ and Harvest House Publishers
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Ramblings of a Procrastinator
Spent today NOT calling the hospital wanted too so bad she was supposed to have a biopsy today hope it went well, hope she doesn't feel abandoned also wish she had a phone in her room. The nurses don't like it when people call cause of the ICU and bureaucracy thing. Just prayed a lot and trusted God all we can ever do, but it helps to hear her voice and to see her.
Made a very small dent today in business chaos, hopefully I will do better tomorrow I have really let things get behind, all I can do is keep plugging away.. went up town to the music festival for about an hour it was pretty good but I was too tiered to really enjoy it. Talked to Jen on the phone and was silly with Hannah taught her a fav song written by the talented pre teen band the Millroses it's a nose picking song, the Milroses (SP?) would be proud, Jen regrets handing HB the phone LOL ! ;)
Received an E mail tonight from one of my dad's brothers, he seems like a good man but I really don't know him - he likes to send forwards sense we connected at my aunt's funeral. The E mail was a forward from a cousin not sure which one - there are tons of them and I have only seen a couple of them out side my fathers oldest brothers children (that's a mouthful:) in the last 19 years.
The forward contained a picture of my great aunt, and another young woman - haven't a clue who she is probably one of the cousins, second cousin? There is definitely a family resemblance. My great aunt is the last real family link we have, my grandmother's sister, my dad's brothers have not ever really been a part of our lives which has tryed to tare me up inside for years, but it is out of my control and too much to worry about at this point in my life.
One of the uncles called my mom a couple of years ago then sent a Christmas card - we were in shock he called again a few months later to hit us up to buy my dad's mandolin the only thing out side of God and his family my father treasured. Needless to say my uncle is not its new owner, we could never bare to part with it it means too much to us. We have not heard from him since, I am not saying the uncles are bad people, I just don't know them and think its strange that families become disconnected, maybe they feel we rejected or disconnected from them, who knows...?
Anyway, the picture is like gold to me, more meaningful then they probably realize since I am so family and historically oriented. I cried when I opened it, actually thankful I could open it most of the e mail my uncle sends is illegible due to computer conflicts of some sort. My great aunt looked beautiful and so much like the picture of my grandmother I have (only have one) they could have been twins,she must be close to 90 years old by now.
My aunt who died recently was so sweet she would call my mom all the time, they would reminisce about old times and she would tell story's of my great aunt and how tough she is. I really admire her spunk, and never thought I would hear about her again, I have not seen her since I was about 7 years old. My mom has called her a few times throughout the years but her number was lost in mold hell, I don't even know her last name or her maiden name either.
Maybe one day I will see her again and annoy her with tons of my silly questions about my grandparents, my father, and about growing up in the mountains of coal mining country. Every time I have traveled through Jellico it has been late night, they used to have pictures of the coal minors in the Arby's restaurant/gas station I was convinced my grandfather was in one of the group shots. They are gone now, the attendant said they may have been donated to the library, would be fun to track down info and see if I was right and connect with my roots a little...
Made a very small dent today in business chaos, hopefully I will do better tomorrow I have really let things get behind, all I can do is keep plugging away.. went up town to the music festival for about an hour it was pretty good but I was too tiered to really enjoy it. Talked to Jen on the phone and was silly with Hannah taught her a fav song written by the talented pre teen band the Millroses it's a nose picking song, the Milroses (SP?) would be proud, Jen regrets handing HB the phone LOL ! ;)
Received an E mail tonight from one of my dad's brothers, he seems like a good man but I really don't know him - he likes to send forwards sense we connected at my aunt's funeral. The E mail was a forward from a cousin not sure which one - there are tons of them and I have only seen a couple of them out side my fathers oldest brothers children (that's a mouthful:) in the last 19 years.
The forward contained a picture of my great aunt, and another young woman - haven't a clue who she is probably one of the cousins, second cousin? There is definitely a family resemblance. My great aunt is the last real family link we have, my grandmother's sister, my dad's brothers have not ever really been a part of our lives which has tryed to tare me up inside for years, but it is out of my control and too much to worry about at this point in my life.
One of the uncles called my mom a couple of years ago then sent a Christmas card - we were in shock he called again a few months later to hit us up to buy my dad's mandolin the only thing out side of God and his family my father treasured. Needless to say my uncle is not its new owner, we could never bare to part with it it means too much to us. We have not heard from him since, I am not saying the uncles are bad people, I just don't know them and think its strange that families become disconnected, maybe they feel we rejected or disconnected from them, who knows...?
Anyway, the picture is like gold to me, more meaningful then they probably realize since I am so family and historically oriented. I cried when I opened it, actually thankful I could open it most of the e mail my uncle sends is illegible due to computer conflicts of some sort. My great aunt looked beautiful and so much like the picture of my grandmother I have (only have one) they could have been twins,she must be close to 90 years old by now.
My aunt who died recently was so sweet she would call my mom all the time, they would reminisce about old times and she would tell story's of my great aunt and how tough she is. I really admire her spunk, and never thought I would hear about her again, I have not seen her since I was about 7 years old. My mom has called her a few times throughout the years but her number was lost in mold hell, I don't even know her last name or her maiden name either.
Maybe one day I will see her again and annoy her with tons of my silly questions about my grandparents, my father, and about growing up in the mountains of coal mining country. Every time I have traveled through Jellico it has been late night, they used to have pictures of the coal minors in the Arby's restaurant/gas station I was convinced my grandfather was in one of the group shots. They are gone now, the attendant said they may have been donated to the library, would be fun to track down info and see if I was right and connect with my roots a little...
Artichoke & Mushroom Soup
Had a nice dinner at Kona last night with much needed humor and relaxation, ran into one of my fav people – I had just been thinking of (and praying) for her earlier in the day, love it when that happens! :) After at least a year and a half Kona had my fav soup, Artichoke & Mushroom YUM… The waiter recognized me (as the girl who always asks for that particular soup) he informed me with a wicked grin that IT was yesterdays soup YIPPEE, also told me they made a huge pot and to come back today so I went for take out yummy again :)
Started working through mountains of paperwork bright and early this morning wiped out by noon. Still not seeing much headway and the deadline approaches, I am convinced it takes me much longer to do the math computer and organization thing then the average person the accounting thing totally intimidates me!
Spent time Monday on a mini trampoline and didn't kill myself with pain or klutziness so I splurged today and bought one - assembly required….it was a hoot felt like I was in the middle of an episode of Home Improvement - surprised 911 was not involved! LOL Exercised for a bit still have to watch it but I think I can use it for a few min at a time with min pain impact yeah! Need to start walking now that the weather is nice too I have just been to busy to think about it before now. Think I will have to give into a nap soon; hopefully my productivity will increase if I can keep the stress at a min eventually learn to surrender it all but it feels like the hardest task on the planet.
Started working through mountains of paperwork bright and early this morning wiped out by noon. Still not seeing much headway and the deadline approaches, I am convinced it takes me much longer to do the math computer and organization thing then the average person the accounting thing totally intimidates me!
Spent time Monday on a mini trampoline and didn't kill myself with pain or klutziness so I splurged today and bought one - assembly required….it was a hoot felt like I was in the middle of an episode of Home Improvement - surprised 911 was not involved! LOL Exercised for a bit still have to watch it but I think I can use it for a few min at a time with min pain impact yeah! Need to start walking now that the weather is nice too I have just been to busy to think about it before now. Think I will have to give into a nap soon; hopefully my productivity will increase if I can keep the stress at a min eventually learn to surrender it all but it feels like the hardest task on the planet.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Farmers Market
Very busy day back to the farmers market yesterday nice to see a few old friends, overall an ok turnout hopefully it will continue to grow in vendors and sales. Not looking forward to the new stricter guidelines for being at market when it opens at 7:30 AM on Sat I have always slept in and made it to market by 8-9 in the past. I wanna midnight market; 8pm to mid sounds good why everything has to start so early is beyond me! :)
Still battling with my mind and will what should I do what shouldn’t I do, this Is rare for me, not that I always know what the right thing to do is but I am usually more at peace about things then of late. It's probably due to the stress in my life I am confident I will be directed down the right path but I may have to wait a while longer for direction.
The mold thing is taking me to new levels of stress another dream about it last night lawyer still not returning calls, I really don't want to call him today but I have to, It's really taking its toll on my mom and I we really can't hold out much longer. God has never failed us He never will, I continue to hold on to "He will never leave you or forsake you" trouble is I get caught up in my time and forget He is sitting beside me and drying the tears hurting for a world who thinks freedom is doing everything there way as they worship the almighty dollar. I really don’t know how insurance adjusters and insurance law makers sleep at night.
I need a serious vacation it needs to include a beach, book, and good music. I have always been wired to go on vacation and do and see everything I physically can with little relaxation, or hang with friends and do the fam thing. Not sure if I could pull off hanging out at the beach I usually walk it wade in it sit down only for short breaks. I would love to give it a try I am beginning to envy "Type B" personalities a bit. whenever I see a commercial for vacations that show a couple at a cabana sipping drinks with little parasols, walking on moon lit beaches and ending with a hammock with another drink with a parasol of course - I think gosh don't they get bored! :) But maybe they don't since it is usually a couple, cute cabana boy anyone...LOL
Still battling with my mind and will what should I do what shouldn’t I do, this Is rare for me, not that I always know what the right thing to do is but I am usually more at peace about things then of late. It's probably due to the stress in my life I am confident I will be directed down the right path but I may have to wait a while longer for direction.
The mold thing is taking me to new levels of stress another dream about it last night lawyer still not returning calls, I really don't want to call him today but I have to, It's really taking its toll on my mom and I we really can't hold out much longer. God has never failed us He never will, I continue to hold on to "He will never leave you or forsake you" trouble is I get caught up in my time and forget He is sitting beside me and drying the tears hurting for a world who thinks freedom is doing everything there way as they worship the almighty dollar. I really don’t know how insurance adjusters and insurance law makers sleep at night.
I need a serious vacation it needs to include a beach, book, and good music. I have always been wired to go on vacation and do and see everything I physically can with little relaxation, or hang with friends and do the fam thing. Not sure if I could pull off hanging out at the beach I usually walk it wade in it sit down only for short breaks. I would love to give it a try I am beginning to envy "Type B" personalities a bit. whenever I see a commercial for vacations that show a couple at a cabana sipping drinks with little parasols, walking on moon lit beaches and ending with a hammock with another drink with a parasol of course - I think gosh don't they get bored! :) But maybe they don't since it is usually a couple, cute cabana boy anyone...LOL
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